Seams of steel wire
by LadyAppleBeinagrind
Summary: Two groups from different worlds are living under the same roof in a large hostel. In this boarding house the walls are thin and the rooms are many, and this is the story of what happens when a private school of young females becomes neighbors with a military force. [Pip Bernadotte x OC]
1. The bench in the field

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

 _Must you have battle in your heart forever?_

 _The bloody toil of combat?_

 _Old contender, will you not yield to the immortal Gods?_

 _That nightmare cannot die, being eternal evil itself._

 _Horror, and pain, and chaos._

 _There is no fighting her, no power can fight her, all that avails is flight._

 ** _\- Odysseus_**

* * *

Our uniforms were different. One represented the clothes of a hero, or the clothes of a killer, it depends on how you see it. Whilst the other uniform was made for sitting still and sipping tea. The garment that clothed my body took its form in the last mentioned uniform, with a piece of light blue ribbon to put in my hair to match the school uniform emblem.

The other uniform clothed Pip Bernadotte's body, and the only thing he had to match his uniform with was a gun and a hat. The red scarf around his neck stood out by itself, and was perhaps the only thing that made him appear like a normal person.

Our principal was met with a large degree of skepticism from parents regarding his proposal for distance requirements when he was aware of grouping students and soldiers into the same housing. Yet, we lived under the same roof for two long years. Folks in hair ribbons and gun holder belst shared their existence inside a boarding house outside of London. The dorm in our private school for young females needed to be renewed, and The Wild Geese mercenaries had their own reason for staying. And whilst they did, some of them assumed they could treat us however they liked, and some of my friends were living proofs of that fact.

I have my very own story to tell, and it started one morning during breakfast.

Behind the boarding house there was a large grass field that the soldiers sometimes used for their training. It looked just like any other grass field and it was large enough for a circus tent, but there was one curious thing with it. In the middle of the field, someone had put a garden furniture. A black iron garden bench with infinity cirkles on the sides and traditional wooden planks in the middle. It stood abondoned with its back facing the boarding house so that the person sitting on it was forced to look on the forest straight ahead, and at the treetops and the sky.

The lonely bench never really attracted anyone. One was not encouraged to go sit on it because it was so far away. It was located in such an odd place, in fact, that you almost became a little suspicious. But for some reason, I couldn't stay away. I saw the bench for the first time the very same day we came here, about fourteen days ago, and already then I knew that I couldn't leave our temporary home without having taken a look at it. This was just the right morning for such a thing.

My friend Dorothy was not to be reckoned with, since she wasn't a morning person like myself, so I simply went alone with my porcelain cup and assette in hand. It was a late summer morning, and I saw no man anywhere on my way out.

Sitting on the bench with my troubles behind my back after having goubled up my breakfast felt like one of the greatest ideas I've come up with ever since we had arrived two weeks ago. It was chilly, but silent and peaceful and that was enough for me to forget all of my troubles. Sometimes, I heard a bird sing or something rattle in the forest, but it wasn't until I saw someone coming out of the forest that I realized that I was sharing the world with other people, and it wasn't until I discover that this man was coming towards me that I began minding my own existence again. Reality hit me like a train, and I realized just how freezing the outside air was and that the hot water in my cup had already turned lukewarm, and I felt like an idiot sitting out here all by myself.

He was aiming for me, this man. He had his target on the garden furniture as well, as he walked in a steady and determined way towards it, towards me. When he was close enough, I could see what he was. He was wearing the uniform that was the antithesis to my very own. To make matters worse, he appeared to be younger than the other mercenaries, and as far as I knew, he looked handsome, despite missing an eye. The same unseeing eye, which was his left eye, was covered with a patch of some kind, that oddly enough didn't make him look abnormal. He would blend in perfectly well in any crowd. But to me, that face would become unforgetable.

After a moment of nervous waiting, he slummed down next to me with a loud groan that striked fear in my heart. I clutched my teacup for dear life, surprised that the liquid hadn't spilled over. What came later was another kind of surprise.

"Good morning mademoiselle."

His gentle voice didn't match that previous monstrous sound that had left him at all. I was too nervous to say anything so I only nodded my head once, daring to glance at him for only a few seconds before my gaze returned to the trees before us. All that went through my mind was why he had been in the forest all by himself.

When he laughed, my gaze had to return to him. It was a young and carefree laugh. His teeth were straight and appeared healthy. He smelled like iron tools. I spotted his eye glancing down my school uniform, to where my knee long skirt was gathered in a pile around my thighs. At first, I assumed that he was laughing at my clothes, later on my teacup, but it wasn't any of those things.

"You're straight as a pine, love." he said to me just as gently as before, his large hand floated in-between the invisible space behind my back and the backrest.

It was my posture he was laughing at, but I couldn't tell if it was a mean or kind laugh. His arm later on decided to stretch over the backrest, and in that moment, I could see how daring it must've looked from the behind view and it wasn't good.

The students weren't supposed to interact with the men from the force and that was flat. And here I sat being courted by a young, one-eyed soldier with an accent.

I didn't know what to answer. What does one say about such a thing?

The very reason my posture appeared great must've surely been because I was a tiny bit scared stiff by his sudden presence. He appeared so mysterious and anonymous somehow, with all his gemics, including a large hat, and a long red scarf wrapped nonchalantly around him.

But the most remarkable thing about him was his hair. I've never seen such hair before in my life. Not on a man. Not on a woman. It was like a thick rope hanging from the nape of his neck, and I couldn't see the end of it. He might be sitting on his own hair that was done in a flawless, thick braid. And the only thing remarkable with me was my posture.

"Like some say in the army: 'It all starts off with a good poise.'" he quoted, and I wondered if he was this talkative with everyone, or if he actually was interested in having a proper conversation with me. But nothing of that mattered there.

"I'm not allowed to speak with you, sir." I told him as kindly as I could with my gaze straight forward.

The man wouldn't answer me until I looked at him, which I did after a brief moment.

"Yet, you did." he said, and I felt his arm drop from the armrest.

He searched his pockets until he found a lighter and a package of cigarettes.

"I didn't want to be unkind." I said in defence, daring to look at him much longer than I've previously had.

I felt offended somehow, but I didn't know why. His focus was all on his cigarettes then, as he picked out one and put it on fire with his refill lighter that looked very old fashioned. I watched him that whole time, waiting for him to say something.

Putting back all the equipment in his pockets, he breathed out a portion of smoke whilst still biting onto the cigarette with his fine teeth.

"It's pathetic." he said, giving me a lump in my stomach.

"You can call them rules, but there is no larger risk to break them. People make rules just to keep their existence from chaos, but it doesn't undo the chaos born inside minds."

Surprisingly, I laughed at his words, earning a glance from him.

"Oh, but my mind is not chaotic." I told him, no longer interested in looking at him.

"Isn't it?" he asked me seriously and my head snapped back at his gleaming blue eye.

He removed the cigarette from his mouth and smirked.

"You called me 'sir' just now. But you do realize what I am, don't you?" he asked.

I didn't dare to answer his question. I looked at the trees instead. I feel the cold porcelain in my fingers.

"You don't know me either." I said.

Oh, how I hated those words.

I hated them so much that I wanted to leave them there with him.

In fact, I hated them so much that I actually stood up, replaced my seat with the tea cup and walked back to the boarding house.


	2. His name

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

It really is amazing how one human being can take so much of your energy. Ever since that morning, the scene on the bench kept replaying in my head over and over again. I thought about words that had been said and things that had been done. Some of it felt brilliant, but I regretted most of it.

I had been lucky. Despite having shared both lunch and dinner with the mercenaries, I hadn't caught a glimpse of the man I had spoken with, and I didn't dare to tell anybody about him. Not even my closest friend Dorothy, who later the same day happened to stand outside of my room with a few other people, which was slightly odd since we prefered to be by ourselves.

"What's going on?" I asked when I noticed the odd grins on their faces. They all looked better kept than usual and some of them had even put on some mascara and rouge and let their hair down.

"Lydia. We're going." Dorothy whispered in an excited voice.

I looked at all of them, not believing my ears.

"You're going to the afternoon tea?" I asked in sursprise.

Minnie, a blonde Oxford girl, put a finger against her lips to hush me and gestured to the rest of the corridor. Miss Hepburn, our teacher and main responsible, was probably having her beauty sleep in her room, and knowing that some of the girls are eavesdroppers was also a reason to not make too much noise.

"Yes, and you're coming with us!" Dorothy said, already pulling my arm.

Before I had a moment to realize what we were doing, we all make our way through the corridors of the boarding house like we were little children on our way to the kitchen to steal biscuits from the top shelf in the middle of the night. Only that it wasn't biscuits in our case. In our case, it was about full grown men from a mercenary army.

The entire place felt different so late in the evening when we usually talked gossip in our rooms. When we entered the lounge, it was lit up with candles instead of lamps and the men played billiard and card games, but most of them were smoking and slacking in leather chairs. The air was spiced with different types of tobacco, and it was obvious that the surroundings were not suitable for us. Yet, our little group walked in slowly into the large room.

We all looked at each other in confusion, waiting for someone to take the lead. I don't think any of us knew where to go from there. We didn't have to wait long however, because Dorothy spots a man by the bar. This particular man had caught Dorothy's interest ever since she had laid eyes on him. The man's name was Jerry. She had overheard it when the men were talking around him a few days ago. I still didn't know the name of the soldier I met on the bench in the field.

"Are you really going to talk to him this time?" someone asked her.

Dorothy grinned at us but she had blush on her face, like she had done something really bad.

"I surely will. School hours are over anyway." she said, and I looked at her uniform, biting my lower lip. Dorothy had always been the bravest of us all.

"Lydia, can you come with me?" she asked and looked at me.

"Just to be safe." she filled in.

"Of course." I said, mostly because I had no idea what to do with myself without her by my side.

When she headed towards the bar I wasn't far behind her. I watched her thick brown hair swing behind her back through small talk, clinking of glasses and puffs of smoke, until we appeared beside Jerry. We took our seats by the bar. Dorothy sat down next to Jerry and I sit down next to her.

"Good evening." she said to him in a voice so alluring that it frightened me.

Jerry looked at her with a grin so wide it went to his bare ears. The top of his head was glossy, like someone had been polishing his head for him.

"Would you girls want something to drink?" he asked us, and I shake my head in instant refusal, but Dorothy nodded and looked down at his empty glass.

"I take whatever you had." she said, and I could not believe that was the same Dorothy I knew, she who loathed alcohol and tobacco.

I looked behind the desk at all the different bottles on the shelves and glasses that were hung up in the ceiling and I suddenlt felt dizzy. After a few minutes, Dorothy had forgotten all about me being by her side. Not wanting to disturb their conversation, I excused myself and got off the chair. Since I couldn't spot any of the girls I arrived with, I decide to walk out to the balcony to get some fresh air before heading back to my room.

It was cold and dark outside, but I could see the field of grass from the view and it was lit up with outdoor led lights that hang in the nearest trees and somehow, that me feel much warmer. I hear a sniff, and when I looked at my left I saw a person sitting there smoking by himself.

"Finally someone who have manners enough to do it outdoors" I thought.

When the man tapped his cigarette and a piece of the glow purposely falled down into the glass before him, I realized that it was the same man I had met the same morning on the bench in the field below us. My heart was beating hard, and I got a sudden urge to go back inside, yet I thought about Dorothy and her bravery, and I approached him.

"Why are you sitting out here by yourself?" I asked without stammering.

The man looked up at me in mild surprise.

"Oh, it's you." he said, sounding a bit relieved that it was me and not anybody else who had joined him on the balcony.

"I'm not a big fan of the cognac they sell here. In France, they wouldn't even dare to call that cognac." he complained and tapped his cigarette in the glass another time.

I then realized that it was a cognac glass he dumped his cigarette compost in.

"And the smoke tastes better outdoors." he added.

"Are you from France?" I asked carefully and sat down next to him on the only chair available around the tiny round table.

He only looked at me for a long time before answering:

"What's it to you?"

His reply was unkind, but he was smiling at me. The silence was overwhelming and he just kept staring at me, maintaining his slug expression. The worst part was that he looked to be expecting an answer from me.

 _They can't scare you, if you scare them first._ I once read somewhere.

"May I know your name?" I asked, throwing another question at him.

"Why?" he asked, and I started to get a small bit annoyed with him. "I believe that would barely change the secrecy between us at all." he said and blowed out a breath of smoke in the air, no longer looking at me.

"Or would it, love?"

He talked in such a lighthearted way that it was impossible to get offended by him.

I thought about what he said. He was right. Getting to know him wouldn't remove the boundaries between us or allow us to be social during school hours. It would only tighten the shackles, if anything.

"Perhaps not" I said. "but I could gossip about you to the others before bedtime."

I was joking, but the man looked at me with genuine interest.

"So that's what you girls are doing instead of having tea, huh..." he said with a low chuckle. "What would you say about me?" he asked curiously, tossing what was left of his cigarette in the cognac glass.

It surprised me, because it had so much life left, that cigarette he was smoking. But it was strangely satisfying to behold. It was like he had decided; from then, he would stop with that disgusting habit and just focus on me and nothing else. His action gave me courage to answer his question with my entire heart.

"I would say that - whoever you are - is a gentleman, from not only France, but from all other romanized countries there is, and that I've seen you sitting on the garden bench in the middle of the grass field, and maybe, just maybe, I would tell them that you've called me 'love'... And that I might have given you the power to make me survive on your smile for days." I said to him, simply coming up with those things during that same moment.

I grinned, satisfied with my reply.

The man was staring at me without saying a word and I felt my cheeks heat up like I was leaning over a simmering stew. I found it hard to look at him, but when I did, I noticed that I had managed to make him look slightly surprised. His one eye examined my face with the best of its ability; my smile, my nose and my eyes and even the ribbon-ends that rested on my shoulders.

His gaze moved down to my waistline, and the fabric of my skirt that had been gathered around me where I was sitting. When he looked back up at my face again, he showed me his teeth in a mile-wide smile. He began laughing so much that the chilly air seemed to dance around us in puffs of exhausts.

All I could do was to hope that he wasn't making fun of me. Beginning to wonder if I had said something absolutely bold and embarrassing, I looked elsewhere and cursed my lips. I didn't know where my courage came from.

 _They can't scare you, if you scare them first._

"Pip." he said after he managed to calm down his laughter.

"It would be cruel of me to not let you know that my name is Pip." he filled in rather seriously.

"Pip?" I asked him, wanting to know if I could pronounce it right.

"Pip Bernadotte." he said delightedly and looked at me with a proud smile that made me believe that he had always been smiling, and suddenly I couldn't imagine him not to smile. I smiled back at him as best as I could.

"My name is Lydia Romanoff." I told him.

"Lydia." he repeated quickly.

"You must be the first Lydia I've ever met." he said.

I didn't know how to feel, knowing that I was the first Lydia he had ever met. But I didn't want to consider it a bad thing. At least I hoped that it wasn't a bad thing.

I felt myself smiling so much. I just smiled at him like an idiot, and when I did that, I noticed that he really was a very handsome man, even though he must've been much older than me.

School, home, everything, felt so far, far away and worthless and a part of me had forgotten who I was, and especially who I was before I met him. It was like that man, who I barely knew anything about, was the beginning of my life.

It didn't feel wrong or forbidden. It felt real, and almost a bit scary. But it was still better than being connected to the school in any way, belonging to it and all its expectations.

Then the door in to the lounge and out to the balcony opened and Dorothy called after me. We've been busted by Miss Hepburn.

I felt it when I stood up from the chair. I was quite certain that he would remember my name, and quite certain that he would forget all the other things that I've said to him... Then he would light another cigarette, and conceal parts of his identity to the rest of the world.

Because his name was that important.

Pip. Pip Bernadotte.


	3. Endearing

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

When we returned to the girls' floor we found Minnie comforting Felicia, another blonde girl from Oxford. She was in her nightgown and her cheeks were all red and her eyes watery.

"What's the matter?" Dorothy asked them, with a quite forced tone of common sense instead of actual concern. She never really liked neither Felicia or Minnie all that much. Perhaps she just didn't prefer blonde people.

"The matter!?" Minnie asked whilst holding Felicia's head to her chest like a protective mother. To my own surprise she glared at _me_ like I just had said something utterly offensive to her. "Well, **_she's_** the matter!" she accused and nodded severely at me with a mean frown.

Dorothy looked just as shocked as me. "Lydia?" she asked with a little snort, sounding resentful and disrespected on my behalf. She wrinkled her nose, like the corridor smelled. She reminded me of an angry rabbit.

"Yes, Lydia." Minnie said, obviously annoyed by us once again. She pronounced my name like I was a bad person. "Who gave her permission to socialize with that man? Everyone knows Felicia is fond of him since day one. She has priority."

"She has priority." Dorothy deadpanned and looked at me. I found those words just as silly as she did.

Like a lighting on clear skies, Miss Hepburn came to my rescue.

"Oh, nonsense girls! Haven't you caused enough trouble already? It doesn't matter who's fond of whom - It's not allowed! No go back to your rooms!"

Dorothy grabbed me by my arm and walked past Felicia and Minnie before Miss Hepburn reached us.

"Lydia!" Minnie yelled my name before we're out of sight. When I turned around, I saw both of their identical pair of blue eyes stare at us. Felicia sniffed and looked away, looking a bit embarrassed about all this.

"You're not saying a word to captain Bernadotte ever again." Minnie decided in some form of threat. Luckily enough, Dorothy wasn't as petrified as I was. She showed them her tongue swiftly, without Miss Hepburn seeing it of course.

"This means war." she whispered to me before she bid me goodnight outside my room. Maybe she was right? This meant war.

Another thing that kept nagging at me was her pronoun on Pip. I was sure I've heard her right. Yes, in fact, Pip Bernadotte appeared to be the captain of the wild geese, and I had no idea what to do with that information.

I couldn't sleep after that unexpected first afternoon tea experience, and breakfast the morning after did not interest me one bit. Just the thought of sitting in the same room with a girl that I accidently got heartbroken, and her guardian angel made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, even though poor Dororty made everything in her power to convince me otherwise, and later on decided to follow my idea with these inspiring words: "You'll lie low for a while, in retreat, and then when you're ready again we'll reunite and aim for our victory. Right Lydia?"

I replied to her ambitious ideas with a boring nod a weak smile and I didn't like myself at all for leaving her in this nonchalant way, but sometimes you need to be selfish and a bit heartless. And cowardly. I felt even more prisoned than I ever done before in this dumb house, now with all these accuses and rumours going around.

I felt like the entire day was filled traps and unwritten rules. I wasn't safe anywhere. So I decided to sneak out, and I ended up on the bench in the middle of the field of grass again. It was a quite unsafe and risky spot but it was the only place that I felt could offer me a sense of freedom and spare me some dignity by not locking myself in my room like a little child.

I felt like crying. I didn't want to be here anymore.

Just when I noticed that the teacup I had left behind had moved to the edge of the bench and had become a small bath for cigarette butts, I heard chuckles and my heart looped in my chest when I turned around and saw Pip coming towards me from the house.

"Oh my, you didn't summon me here last night before bedtime, did you?" he said when he was close enough to be heard.

The most absurd thought hit me then and for a moment, I thought I could disappear from sight if I just sank down low enough on the bench behind the backrest so that he wouldn't see me.

"Why are you here?" I asked rudely when my head couldn't be seen from behind the bench. But just as I assumed, Pip was much smarter than that and walked around the outdoor furniture and took a seat next to me. He chuckled again.

"No, the question here is: Why are you here, hiding away from the world?" I look up at him, feeling my neck ache. "I'm can't talk to you." I said, and he raised his eyebrow at me. "I see... You're up to this nonsense again." he said in an exhausted tune. "If you believe I find it charming with hard-to-get women, you are absolutely mistaken." he said in a more serious voice that I didn't believe I've heard him use before.

"It's not that." I defended and tried to get a look at the boarding house from in-between the gaps in the bench. "You really _are_ hiding from someone." he said, more to himself and looked back at the house as well. "Yes, from you, but it didn't work that well as you can see." I said to him. "Well if I were you, I would think that any place except our meeting spot would be a better alternative." he joked, glancing down at me.

 _Meeting spot._

"You didn't have a problem talking to me yesterday." he said, once again in that serious tone. "Well that was before I found Felicia crying in the hallway." I said back to him, not caring if my words didn't make any sense to him. I just needed to get this off my chest before I would have a breakdown. "Who is Felicia?" he asked with a spoonful of curiosity and a ton of confusion. I glared at him, wanting him to understand everything without saying too much. "Your secret admirer." I answered carefully. "That's why I can't talk to you anymore. She has priority."

That really was an idiot thing to say. I hoped that Minnie would realize that as well.

Pip looked amused; the corner of his lips slurred up in a smirk. "But aren't you my secret admirer too?" he asked, and it surprised me that he was more interested in me than Felicia. The name "Felicia" is attractive itself, but she didn't seem to be interesting to Pip at all.

"Well this is not very secret is it?" I asked and glared at him again. I was being grumpier than usual, but I wanted to be grumpy and show him the worst parts of me so that he would go away and make Felicia happy.

"So, what do you want then? Shall I just leave you alone and go sweep this stranger off her feet?" he asks like he was reading my mind. "If you think life works that way, then I don't know why we're still talking. I didn't know you were that dim-witted, Lydia Romanoff." he said and actually stood up and walked away, just like I had wanted him to. From what I've seen of Pip, I thought it would be easy for someone like him to forget someone like me.

But he had remembered my name. My whole name.

I felt empty and betrayed when he headed towards the house, abandoning me on our meeting spot.

"W-wait, Pip!" I yelled after him, sitting up properly, holding my hands on the wooden backrest. I almost made the bench tip over. I hesitated slightly before I got up and decided to half-run after him whilst holding my skirt up from my knees, almost like I was sneaking up behind him in secret, in case somebody was spying on us. "Pip, look, I'm sorry-" He suddenly turned around and spurt towards me and before I could even react, he grabbed me by my waist, hooking his bare forearm around my middle. "That's the spirit! Come on, Lydia, you need to show these girls that they can't always get what they want." he said and walked us towards the house. "Wait no! Pip!" I struggled, but his grip on me was like a hinge. He was forcing me to come with him.

This wasn't what I had expected at all! I just wanted him to come back and sit down with me again.

The boarding house is getting closer and closer. The worn-out sunburned red colour screamed danger and my entire body broke out in cold sweat and in my mind, all of the worst imaginations about what was going to happen when we enter the doors occurred. He was strong, Pip. Much stronger than me. There was no way I could stop him. I admit it. I was scared.

My heeled shoes tried to plant themselves in the carpet of grass; my feet digged into the dirt, but I just left traces after us, making awkward and uneven footprints. I screamed. My fingertips were looking after weak spots on his body where I later used my nails on. His fore arms, shoulder blades, chest, collarbones, neck and even his face, but he just chuckles at my attempts, like a tough child playing with an angry cat. I get the feeling that a knife blade wouldn't even harm his skin. _'He could kill me if he wants to'._ I thought to myself and without struggling any further I just slummed down on the ground.

I even surprised Pip, who looked down at me with his eye wide. His braid was hanging down, blowing and swinging in the wind like a piece of rope, laughing at me. I laid on the grass with my arms at my sides, looking up at the grey sky. "Please don't make me go inside, captain." I said, and he kneeled down beside me, taking his hat off like he was grieving me. He was smiling down at me with his teeth. It made me die even more inside.

"What did you just call me, ma'am?"

"Captain." I answered and smiled cheerlessly. "I didn't know you were the captain. I'm sorry Pip." I said, and he looked puzzled. "Why are you apologizing?" he asked from above.

"Because…" I said but I didn't have a good answer. It just felt like a bad thing - to _not_ know about a captain being a captain. "Why didn't you say anything?" I asked him without moving away from the grass. "You never asked." Pip answered smartly with yet another smile. It got silent for a moment. My fingers were plucking the damp grass. 'Maybe I could dig myself a grave here?' I thought sarcastically.

"Lydia." Pip said, and I looked at him instead of the clouds. "Yes." He was no longer smiling, and he is looking at the house. "Could you do me a favour?" It didn't sound like a question at all. "I think so." I almost whispered, but I sounded afraid and suspicious and hesitant. "I promise to not force you into the house with me, as long as you never skip breakfast again because of someone else's opinions." he said, and his fatherly tone made me feel like a little girl.

All I could do was nod when his gaze returned and landed on me. I sat up again. When I noticed freshly made claw marks underneath his chin, I grinned at him like the idiot I had been around him for most of the time. "Aye, Captain."

* * *

 _From the benched area, the secret plan was not yet fully completed, but it seemed like we had gotten reinforcements from an unexpected source. Close to the green ground we had arrived almost unnoticed, and later on we had divided. We were taking the lead towards an easy win, me and my dearest Dorothy._

 _Victory would be ours._

* * *

I had always liked Miss Hepburn, ever since the first moment when I met her. I remembered how wide her green eyes went when I greeted her for the first time and how she smiled warmly at me and even asked me if I was alright with a hug. It was my first day at school and my first day wearing the uniform. Out of everything that she was, she was also our mentor. But despite my warm feelings towards her, what our dear mentor had planned for us was not anything to look forward to at all.

As a punishment for _socializing with impudent adult men past our decided bedtime_ , we had been sent out to the forest to get some "air therapy" – and of course she had me teamed up with Felicia. Love-sick Felicia, who was in love with Pip, the captain. Our mission was to take pictures of whatever both of us found **_endearing_** and later on show Miss Hepburn and explain why and so on.

Felicia and I walked awkwardly through the forest after crossing the huge field of grass. While we did that and passed the garden bench, I had thought to myself: "S _he has no idea..."_

I was walking quite fast in comparison with Felicia, so I decided to slow down. She had the camera after all. When I turned around to keep track on her, I couldn't help but feel a bit bad. She jumped down from a little hill and stumbled over roots while holding her skirt up so that the fabric wouldn't get stuck anywhere. The bright blue bow tied in her hair was loose and made her light hair a mess. Her cheeks were red, just like they had been when I found her crying in the hallway. It must've been the chilly air this time.

"Are you alright?" I asked, actually meaning well. "Yes." she answered when she came to my side. The camera was hanging around her neck. "I just don't know why I have to do this. I didn't even go to the afternoon tea." she complained, and I must agree with her. It was a bit unfair to be honest. "Maybe because Miss Hepburn found you crying in the hallway." I said without stopping myself. Felicia's blue eyes looked at me and I tried to come up with something smart to say.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a crush on-"

"It's okay Lydia." she said with a surprisingly kind voice. She looked embarrassed. "Honestly, I don't know what came over me yesterday." she admitted. I thought about it before asking her: "Wait… so you _don't_ like him then?" I sounded so hopeful it was pathetic. "Well of course I do." she said. "But Minnie made such a big deal of it that my emotions took control over me."

"Oh…" I said, revealed and disappointed at the same time. But I felt more hopeful than earlier.

Maybe she would get over him one day?

"Found something interesting yet?" she asks after about fifteen minutes of walking. "Not yet." I said. "Trees?"

She laughed at my answer, and it almost made me feel even worse for making her cry over Pip. Then, both of us saw something unexpected. We saw a man; about 20 meters away and in an eccentric reflex, both of us lay down on the ground.

"Who is that?" Felicia asked like I should've known more of the stranger than she did.

"He doesn't look like any of the men from the boarding house." I whispered, in case he might've heard us. I noticed that his uniform was blue, like some kind of police officer. An idea suddenly popped up in my head.

"Felicia?" I said and she looked at me. She looked scared.

"Could you give me the camera for a moment?"

* * *

Felicia and I walked out of Miss Hepburn's office, laughing. Miss Hepburn also found the strange man in the blue uniform _endearing_ and was glad to see that we got along, which actually was the meaning of it all, and had dismissed us without having us doing anything else for that matter.

"I wonder what he was doing in the forest though..." Felicia wondered when we made our way down to the lounge.

"Picking mushrooms?" I said, and she burst out laughing again. I realized that Felicia got a very bad sense in humour, so it was easy to make her laugh. She laughed a lot at the things I said. It was dumb but flattering. As we entered the lounge, a man with dark curly hair walked straight into Felicia, who got pushed into my side roughly. She grabbed onto my arm. The man looks at the two of us in surprise.

"Ah, I am very sorry!" he apologized.

He wasn't looking at me, only Felicia. He had long dark eyelashes and a big mouth. The green military jacket was open and revealed a black tank top and tanned skin underneath.

"Are you alright?" he asked her in a foreign accent, and she only nodded like a maniac and pulled at my arm, telling me she wanted to flee away from the situation as soon as possible. When we're gone from that awkward incident, Felicia turned to me sharply. Her cheeks were glowing red again.

"You know what, Lydia" she said, still holding my arm. She was breathing heavily. "Never mind captain Bernadotte..."

Something told me that Felicia had found something endearing all on her own.


	4. The picture

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I wandered around the corridors of the boarding house on my time off the next day. Feeling unusually frivolous and free at the moment, I wanted to explore. Whilst doing this, I thought about Miss Hepburn, the blue uniformed man - who did or did not pick mushrooms - and Felicia and the soldier that made her forget about Pip. I just felt like there were so many reasons to smile today.

Looking down, I noticed that the ground had gone from carpet to wood panel and I suddenly found myself in a completely different part of the boarding house. It was like a passage to a different department. I continued nevertheless, because I never realized how big the boarding house really was and how much of it that I haven't seen. This part of the building felt much older than the rest, almost abandoned. I was proved wrong when a door slammed open and almost hit me. I jumped up in the air, scared out of my flesh.

"What the hell!" I screamed, but I began laughing shortly after when I saw Pip walking out from a room, only wearing a white men's tank top and his underwear.

"Why are you not dressed?" I asked, my hand reaching up to hide the grin on my face. Pip looked around the corridor in confusion like someone just had woken him up from his sleep before his gaze landed on me. He closed the door slowly after him and stood in front of it, as if he didn't want me to see what was on the other side.

But I didn't care about that much. I was just interested in Pip and what he had to say in his defence.

"Did I hear you curse? You're stuffed with surprises, aren't you?" He chuckled and acted just like himself, despite wearing so little clothes. He wasn't the least embarrassed about the fact that I could see his naked legs, and his briefs.

"I left something in my office." he informed shortly. "But what are you doing here in this section of the hostel?" he asked, but I ignored his question.

"I thought that was your room." I said, gesturing with a peek over his shoulder..

"No it's further in. Do you want to see it?" Before I could decide whether I wanted to see it or not, he put his hand on my back and led me further into the department. I noticed that his braid was slightly untangled, and that it rested on his back instead of being swirled around his neck. It reached all the way down to his calves and was tied with a piece of fabric that looked like a bandage. I tried to not be too impressed by it, or stare, but it was hard since it was so magnificent.

I wondered how he had managed having his hair kept this way. Most soldiers cut their hair into a traditional mohawk or just shaves it all off, perhaps because it's easier to stand the extremeness of the war life without thinking much about hair care. But not Pip. He had kept it all his years.

After a few more turns in the corridors and one stair down, I realized that Pip's room was in the west end of the boarding house. His room was much biggen than mine. It was a suite with large windows, and you could see the sight of the green field a few yards away. The bench was a small dot in the distance.

Pip sat down on his bed that in comparison with my own had room for two people. One of the sides was perfectly made and untouched whilst the other side where he was sitting was well used. I realized that I was alone in a room with an older man who was almost naked, and the door was closed.

"Did you just get out of bed?" I asked him, distracted by his long and bare limbs and messy hair. It is quite normal for people to sleep in to lunchtime. "I didn't see you at breakfast." I said when he looked at me, who was almost pressed up against a wall, even though his room was the size of a living room.

"Actually… I'm about to go to sleep now." he told me with a grin. Assuming he was joking, I found myself laughing, but I stopped when he threw the covers over him and crossed his arms over his chest .

"I was up all night doing some examination around the field." he informed me from the bed and I suddenly felt bad for him, wanting him to get his rest back. But another part of me wanted to stay here so I just blurted out: "May I keep you company?"

Pip didn't look surprised when I asked that, although he let out a half-tired chuckle. "I don't mind at all" he said. "but I don't think I will be that much of a good company if I fall asleep though…" he said, but I was already on my way to the other side of the bed where I curled up next to him on top of the covers that were perfectly made and untouched. Until now.

"It's been quite a while since I've been in bed with a woman." Pip said after I made myself comfortable.

"I assumed you just had woken up since I saw you in… your underwear…" I said. I realized that escaping the sexual tension was impossible, even though I tried changing subject. "Oh, you must be awfully mistaken then, because I rarely sleep in just my underwear." he said to me and I automatically assume that: "You sleep naked?" I asked in horror.

It would make nearly anyone laugh, but Pip looked at me with seriousness, which was a bit surprising because I felt like that was something Pip would laugh at.

"The opposite." he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. He smiled at me and put his arms folded behind his head.

"Pardon me, mademoiselle… I sometimes forget about our clear differences. I just take for granted that you'll understand all at once. Now how do I say this to a schoolgirl…"

He was thinking to himself, and I appreciated the thought he put into it. He sniffed and looked at the ceiling. A mild frown appeared. "Imagine… You are in a muddy trench with all your equipment, protective clothing, well just you and your entire life to be frank. You haven't had a real good night sleep for who knows when. You hear bullets constantly, and it's hard to know if they're real or just in your head - You're so tired that you're starting to get that delusional. The enemy is on the other side somewhere. You don't really have time to change into your pajamas then, darling; you don't have the time." he said.

I had been staring at Pip this whole time, taking in his sculptured features, his expressions, seeing that foreign intelligence in his gaze that seemed to have seen everything in this world. "This is always the hardest part." he said and I must look at him with a little frown of my own. "What?" I happened to ask in a high-pitched voice that scared me.

"Eh you know…" he said with a misleading toothy grin. But then he said: "Falling asleep. For me, it's bizarre being in bed underneath covers with a closed door. It's way too safe. You easily get suspicious about every little detail." he explained and I hated that I was so empty on words and that I just ended up nodding seriously all the time. I only ended up curling up to him even more, and when I was close enough his arms unfolded from the pillow behind him and went around me instead.

"Hm? What's this?" he asked in an amorous mumble and I hid my expression in his chest so that he wouldn't tease me about it. "I wonder what your friend would think if she saw us now." he said and I could hear him grin. The thought of Felicia made me smile too. I would really much like her to be my friend, She wasn't as bas as I thought she was.

"We were sent to the forest yesterday." I said, wanting to tell Pip about me and Felicia's relationship development.

"The forest?" he asked like he was about to laugh.

"Miss Hepburn sent us there to take a photo of something we both found endearing."

"Endearing?" he asked, once again in an entertained confusion.

"Right!" Then suddenly I came to think of the man that caught Felicia's eye in the lounge and I escaped from his hold, and stared down at him with sinister expectation. He looked up at me without moving, but it was written all over his face how confused he was.

"Is there any foreign men in your group?" I asked him, and my question made him frown. Deeply.

"What?" he asked, urging himself up on his elbows. "Why are you asking this?"

"Because we met someone we don't know anything about, so I thought that perhaps you would know more." I waffled, but my waffling didn't help. He still looked half-annoyed with me.

"You met somebody in my force." he said, it sounded like a statement, an accusation and I wanted to say that it was all about Felicia; it was Felicia who had found another man to fancy, but it somewhat felt unfair to her. What if she found out that I talked behind her back? She was a kind girl, I realized yesterday. A good person. I couldn't do this to her.

"Perhaps you know him. He got dark hair and dark eyes with long lashes, a little bit shorter than you in height. Ring any bell?" I asked almost desperately.

My plan was to know the name of this man so that I could tell Felicia later on and bond with her to avoid more awkward conflicts in the future, but of course, Pip had other beliefs of his own.

"So you prefer Spanish men?" he asked dryly. He didn't sound angry, but he didn't sound very happy either. He sounded neutral, like a teacher in mathematics, or a lawyer or even a psychologist, that aren't allowed to show any emotions. But he didn't seem to want to teach me anything about this man.

"I..." I started, not knowing what to answer him. I never thought I've ever had a type to be honest. Felicia's new crush might've been the very first Spanish man that I've ever met in my entire life to begin with.

When I avoided eye contact with Pip, his whole body turned away from me completely and I got the feeling that he wanted to leave me alone in the bed because I was filthy. I saw what he wanted to tell me in his gaze before he even opened his mouth. He wanted me to leave. "You know, maybe you should-"

"Felicia has gotten over you." I blurted out. "She and I suddenly got closer yesterday when we found this man in the forest and made jokes about him and mushrooms, and then this other man bumped into her and took her heart with him. That's why I want to know his name. I promise." I waffled on once again.

"We met him in the lounge after we left Miss Hepburn's office, and I could tell that she really fancied him."

Silence.

Pip stared at me for a while. His frown just seemed to deepen.

"Wait…" he said. He grabbed my arms firmly. "Lydia!" he yelled.

 _This is it. He will kill me now._

"You saw a man in the forest?" he asked me almost angrily and all I could do was nod as usual, but this time in a more anxious, terrified way.

"What did he look like?" he asked me and my mind got all dizzy as I tried to remember every little detail.

"Uh, he wore a blue uniform…" I said and Pip looked like he just saw a ghost.

"Okay, Lydia..." he said, much more contented. He swallowed something in his throat, still grasping onto my arms. "What else did you see?" he asked me, sounding like a police officer in a hearing. He licked his lips and focused on me, and me only.

"Uh…" I said. I noticed that my hands also had taken action and was grabbing onto his muscular arms in the middle of the drama, perhaps in an attempt to defence. His skin was so warm. Then I came to think of something.

"We have a picture of him." I suggested, uncertain if he would be interested. But Pip lost it after that. Wide-eyed, he said: "You got a" but he couldn't even finish his sentence because of the thrill that came over him. He almost threw himself at me then, capturing me in his arms, and lifted me up in his lap, rocking me back and forth like a little baby. All I could think about was how quickly I had changed him with that information and that he was just wearing his underwear.

"Oh, Lydia!" He praised my name and kissed my forehead repeatedly, forcing back my hair from my face with a firm hand. His stubble beard made those kisses hurt slightly but it still felt unreal and wonderfu. When he pulled away from me, I've never seen such a big grin on a person before. He lifted me off the bed effortlessly. He left me standing confused in the middle of his large room.

"You need to show me that picture, Lydia." he said, putting on his trousers that lay on the floor.

"But what about your sleep?" I asked, feeling my knees buckle. He had overwhelmed me.

Pip leaned down to my face then, like he was amused and pitied me for saying such a silly thing.

"The enemy is near. We don't have time." he said. "Now, where do you have it?" Pip grinned as he put on a jacket on top of his white shirt and adjusted his messy braid around his neck.

"Uh." I said. I really need to stop doing that. I suddenly feel very hesitant about the entire idea about showing Pip the photo. It was hard to know if it was a good idea or not. I knew Pip wanted this more than anything, but when it came to the connections in school, I had not a single clue about their judgment.

"We left the camera in Miss Hepburn's office. I don't think we should-"

"Take me there, please, Lydia." Pip interrupted me kindly, sounding impatient.

"Okay." I said.

* * *

Hopefully, Miss Hepburn was enjoying her usual stroll down to town by the same time Pip and I would get the camera. If she didn't do that though, she must have her usual homework helping hours, without me, which turned my stomach into knots since Dorothy and I usually joined her. But honestly, I was way more worried about handing over the camera to Pip.

What if the door to her office was locked?

What if we couldn't find the camera inside if we did enter the office?

What if somebody caught us in the act?

Yet, when Pip and I approached the door, I thought things were going smoothly. The door was unlocked and the workplace empty. The camera lay abandoned in the middle of her desk like it was put out just for us. I stood by the doorframe, as if that would make me less involved, whilst Pip walked in and grabbed the camera after asking if it was the right one. It was as if he had been in this room before and knew exactly where to find it.

Pip turned the camera on whilst making his way back to the exit. We both entered the hall again, assuming that everyone else in the boarding house was busy with his or her own matters. I was careful to close the door after us while Pip leaned against the wall and smiled at the device in his hand like it belonged to him. He pressed a button a few times, probably watching and skipping all of the other useless photographs we had taken before we discovered the man. I remember us taking a picture of a half-full Coca Cola bottle on a tree stump. I wondered if he saw that one.

Pressing the button one last time, his eye widened and the smirk on his face slowly disappeared. I wondered if he had seen something unexpected, but after a few seconds, he looked smug once again.

"Perfect." he said and I couldn't help approaching him curiously. I glanced at the picture Felicia and I once had shown Miss Hepburn. I didn't remember it the same way. It felt like someone else had taken it, yet I clearly remembered that I asked to take the camera from Felicia when we were laying down in a ditch full of leaves.

"Is he a bad man?" I asked Pip, remembering how scared Felicia looked after we saw him. Pip looked at me and smiled. "He's spying on us." he told me and I glared at him. "Us?" I asked, feeling my eyes widen.

"No, you have nothing to be worried about. He's after me and my men."

"You and your men?"

 _Is there an echo in here? I sound like a bloody repeating machine._

"Thanks to you, I know what kind of organization he's from; it's labeled in his clothes." he said with a satisfying tone and zoomed in the picture so we could see a little emblem on the side of the man's chest. I didn't know you could zoom in that much. Maybe I should become a broadcaster for national geographic. Or even a paparazzi. I smiled at the crazy thought.

"LYDIA MARIA ROMANOFF!"

My thoughts got interrupted by my full name being shouted from further down the corridor, extremely formal and extremely severely at the same time.

Whoever it was, it must've been a person of very high status or someone who knew me well enough to know about my middle name. Anyone would suspect that it would be Miss Hepburn, even _I_ did, but when I turned around I came face to face with my best friend. Dorothy Jacqueline Knowles who glared at me with a scowl on her face. She would be a very scary mother.

"Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you!" she said in the same proper and harsh tone as earlier.

"Um-"

"Although I shouldn't be; since when did you betray your own? For how long have you been submitted to Felicia? The _enemy..._ "

I tried to defend myself as best as I could.

"How dare you Dorothy. I haven't been unfaithful to our mission, and I don't think Felicia is a worthy enemy, but I'm sure there is plenty more for us to take down. Starting with Minnie."

I felt a bit embarrassed getting a scolding from my best friend in company with Pip. Especially when she used this newfound way of speaking that we had entertained ourselves with for the past time. But in this context it had turned into a quite serious deal. Or so it appeared.

"I never thought you would be that kind of ally that would become friends with the enemy. I'm very disappointed in you, Romanoff." she said, using my last name and shook her head at me, the blue ribbon in her hair swinging side to side.

"Disappointed?" Pip joined in after turning the camera off. Like that one father that awkwardly invites himself to a conversation in-between his two daughters.

It felt like my heart stopped when I heard his voice after Dorothy's. It was like two of my worlds had smashed together.

"You shouldn't be disappointed. Lydia here have just succeeded in a very important mission. You should give her a promotion if anything. Or at least a fair paycheck." he said to Dorothy. He seemed very amused by whatever was going on. It must've been the chosen "language" in our conversation that intrigued him.

Dorothy's fierce green eyes darted at Pip, like she just had discovered his presence next to mine. Her eyes later on gleamed in recognize and realization. She grabbed me by my arm.

"It's all _your_ fault you know." she told him and pulled at my limb. If glares could kill, Dorothy would have killed the captain of the Wild Geese there and then. Pip looked a bit puzzled at her accusation, but he was still amused, satisfied with the camera in his hands. Dorothy's death glare faced me then. "You got some explaining to do, not only for me but for Miss Hepburn as well…" she muttered and dragged me away from Pip.

I gave him an awkward wave before leaving altogether. But before Dorothy had her way with me, Pip said my name and both of us stopped and stared at him in confusion because of his keen tone. Dorothy must've been aware of my feelings because she dropped the act completely just so that I would hear him out.

"Javier." he said, and I frown a little, not really understanding what he meant. But then he said: "His name is Javier, he's a professional sniper recruited from Benidorm. Make sure to lend the enemy the message." he said and turned away with a smirk.

Dorothy and I glared at each other, and for a moment I thought Pip just had made her forget all about what she was doing, but then her puzzled eyes sharpened and she grabbed me tightly again.

When I got pulled through the building, I was not fretting about what would happen to me.

A part of me was just hoping that Pip would go straight back to bed and manage to fall asleep without hearing the sound of bullets.


	5. Smoke

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Dorothy and I had decided to not hold any grudges against each other. However, I could tell that she still wasn't all that satisfied with me getting along well with Felicia. I knew deep down that she was just jealous, yet I found it quite adorable to be honest. While the Felicia arc was one side of the coin, the Pip side was the other arc. Dorothy had a hard time accepting him at first, not at all understanding what me (and previously Felicia) had seen in him whatsoever.

She named him _Cocky ginger braid_ and often wrinkled her nose to increase the effect. She wasn't a big fan of Pip because he was good with his words. Dorothy must think that all of the members in the Wild Geese had more muscles than brains. Except for Jerry of course. To her, Jerry couldn't be more perfect.

It took more than four days for Dorothy to lay off her complaining about Pip getting involved with our war planning and way of communicating. Four days, despite not even having seen the man at all. We all later on realized that the boarding house had been strangely quiet and empty. Only a few men were seen once in a while, but none of these men were Pip, Jerry or Javier.

"I knew his name would be something beautiful as that." Felicia sighed dreamily and hugged the pillow she found on my bed to her chest. I smiled at her from the floor where I sat comfortably on the carpet.

Dorothy looked bored out of her scull where she was seated by my desk and glared at her.

"I don't know about that. Jerry doesn't need an extravagant name to capture my attention." she said.

"Or hair attached to his head." Felicia added with a glare of her own. Dorothy huffed, but I saw the corners of her lips moving upwards. She thought it was funny.

I didn't know how long time it would take, but I was sure that they would get along quite well further ahead.

"What about Pip, Lydia?" Felicia suddenly asked me and looked down at me curiously. The careless way she had let his name escape her lips was proof enough that her crush on him was long forgotten, and I was glad that I could be open about my own emotions with other people. I would've become crazy otherwise.

"What about him?" I asked, not showing how excited - and nervous - I was with him as the main subject.

"Where is he from?" she asked in a manner someone would ask a dog owner what kind of breed the dog was.

"Uranus." Dorothy quickly added in before I could reply, but we decided to ignore her.

"I don't know actually." I answered with a low voice. Felicia's blue eyes blinked at me. They were much prettier now, when I knew her a bit better.

"Haven't you asked him?"

"Yes but he wouldn't say." I told Felicia, remembering our conversation on the balcony about a week ago.

"Hm…" she thought out loud. " _'Bernadotte'_ is a name of Swedish origin isn't it?"

"Yes but his stupid accent tells us otherwise."

"It's not stupid." I defended and glared at Dorothy who couldn't keep her comments to herself. She raised her hands at me in nonchalant defence.

"Sorry. It's not my fault you're attracted to aliens."

"Jerry looks more like an alien though, because of his bare head." Felicia said, and the three of us fell silent. A needle would've been heard if it fell to the floor.

Then we all laughed together.

* * *

I was not as happy as I was that day three days later. The absence of Pip had gotten painfully obvious and I found it hard to believe that either Felicia or Dorothy could relate to my emotions, even though their own interests had been gone for just as long. They hadn't had conversations the way me and Pip had, and they hadn't experienced how it felt like to lay in a bed with the person in question.

Although I was aware that Felicia had barely spoken to Javier since that day in the lounge, I was not entirely sure what happened between Jerry and Dorothy after I left them alone in the bar. Either way, both of them were enjoying themselves to their fullest, talking and gossiping as usual in-between their grudges and arguing.

Whilst the two of them grew closer and closer, I felt myself fade away more and more. I thought about Pip. Where he was. What he was thinking about. Did he hear the sound of bullets?

One week had gone since I handed the camera over to Pip outside Miss Hepburn's office and he told me to send Javier's name to Felicia. That was the last time he had spoken to me. It was lunchtime and something was taking awfully long in the line to where they served food, and whatever this something was seemed to have happened just before it was my time to place my tray on the counter.

I had to wait, the food lady told me, whilst it seemed like the rest of the school already had been seated. I had been standing at the same place for so long that I began to just consider leaving my tray and head back to my room.

Just after I released a sigh that I believed no one in the dining room would hear, someone behind me placed a hand on my shoulder firmly and leaned over my head in order to grab a tray from the stack in front of me on the counter. Wondering why this person didn't just ask me to move aside, I turned around in confusion and half-annoyance. A set of shivers ran through my entire back and my insides seemed to get mixed up when he was standing there before me, just like he had been here this entire time, hiding away from me. Pip. He was smiling at me in recognition with a huge bag hanging from one of his shoulders. He was wearing his entire uniform with all his equipment; his entire life.

I was so awestruck that I didn't even notice the food serving being in order again. I wanted to throw my arms around him but I couldn't even manage a word, or even a little smile. He had been gone for a week but now he was standing here right in front of me in one piece, smiling. He was the reason for all of the previous fuss in my head and my anxious emotions and when he was here at last, it didn't even feel real.

"Aren't you gonna greet me?" he asked, the same French accent hadn't changed one bit.

I continued to stare at him, now with the tray held against my chest like a shield and the counter pressed against my back. I had stepped away from him to maintain myself. It was like there was a ghost standing in front of me. I knew anyone was able to see this forbidden interaction, yet I felt oddly patient and calm despite the shock, like we had all the time in the world. But deeper down inside me, a voice was screaming out in misunderstanding and agony.

When I felt that I had been staring at him long enough, I took a deep breath and said: "I thought you were dead." My accusation felt like a strike below the belt, like something rude and uncalled for. But Pip simply turned his head to the side like a confused, innocent boy. "You were worried." he confirmed. It wasn't a question. I gaped at him.

"I-" I started, but once again I was incapable of forming a sentence. My eyes darted to the dining room. Nobody was witnessing this. A few of Pip's men had walked past us to get their food. Everything was like it usually were. Yet, in the most absurd way. It felt like a prank.

Then I realized it. I was upset with him making me worry about him, when he simply could've told me that he would be gone for a week and come back. Our gazes entangled again and Pip opened his mouth to say something but I had found my voice again.

"Where were you?" I asked him. I sounded cold.

"We patrolled an area nearby, figuring out our positions in an upcoming job." he answers like it was the most normal thing to do. But it was only for him.

I didn't know why I felt so… snubbed by this. It was indescribable. I was extremely relieved and on the verge of a teary outburst at the same time. I swallowed my tears, I sucked it up, but I couldn't tame my irritation. "Why didn't you say anything?" I asked him.

"It wasn't something huge." he said calmly and stood closer so he was standing in line with me. He put down his tray on the counter. "It wasn't the end of the world." Something inside me broke after hearing that sentence. I didn't know what it was, but it turned up my voice. "You could've at least told me!" I yelled, earning puzzled looks from his men that glimpsed at their captain curiously.

I regretted it quickly. My cheeks burned and burned but I couldn't look away from his face. His eye had widened. He must've thought of me as a fool. We barely knew each other. I never even thought that I was someone important to him, so I had no right to react like that. He wasn't my man. It was like the entire line had stopped because of me, and feeling like the constipation in the tube, I did the only thing that felt right. I removed myself from the situation. I left my tray and disappeared.

The sound of my shoes were echoing in the hallway as I walked in a rapid pace towards the lounge. It was empty of people and I was all by myself but it didn't take long before I got followed by my name being shouted.

"Lydia, wait a minute." Pip said and I stopped when I heard his voice and shut my eyes tightly. "Lydia." When he said my name again, he was right behind me and it was too much for me. I turned around sharply and met his gaze again. He let his large bag drop to the floor and before I knew what I was doing, I jumped towards him and captured his neck with my arms looped around it and hugged him close to me.

I had the feeling that I just had ruined everything. Everything would be over. Pip must've thought of me as some kind of instable, fragile girl with serious emotional issues.

"I'm sorry." I told him when I felt his hands on the lower part of my back. "I'm so sorry." I wanted to cry, but when I heard him laugh, I felt calmer. "I've missed you." he said and reached up to pat my head that was snuggling into his neck. "I promise that I'll let you know next time."

I had decided from that day that I would never make a fit about something as small as that ever again. Ever since that moment, something felt different between me and Pip. It felt like that moment had brought us closer to each other, and I only had myself to thank for that.

Yet, things were still awkward.

Every breakfast. Every lunch. Every dinner.

Dorothy and Felicia were way much better at controlling their curiosity, but I couldn't. As soon as we were seated in the dining room, my head was spinning, literally, as my gaze searched after Pip in an embarrassing desperation. I wanted to be sure where he was seated every meal, so that I wouldn't be distracted by him. The most challenging thing was when he was sitting at a table where he could see me put food in my mouth, and chew and swallow it.

He made me feel so self-conscious that I wanted to crawl underneath the table and hide myself. I didn't have time to see him outside of the dining room as much because of all the homework we had on our shoulders, but when the weekend finally arrived, I didn't have to worry much about awkward moments in the dining room.

I knocked four times on Pip's door before I opened it and stepped in. He had told me that he never locked the door and I was welcome to visit him any time I liked.

"Pip?" I asked, suddenly regretting coming here. With every second, my confidence ran out.

"Here."

And it was back again.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Pip was standing in front his desk by the wall where the entrance was, that's why I didn't see him at first; he was just behind the door when I had opened it.

I closed the door behind me and walked towards him. He was in his underwear again. When I was close enough, I saw that he was arranging close-up pictures of the man in the blue uniform. He had zoomed in in different areas on his body and printed out different pictures of him and scribbled down some words with a red marker pencil. His belt. His collar. Sleeves. Shoes. It looked like a puzzle.

I looked at Pip in disbelief. "Were you up all night again?" I asked him.

"No, actually I woke up just now." he said.

He was smoking. He held the cigarette with his teeth while putting the pictures in a pile. Then he pulled out a drawer from underneath the desk, didn't find what he was looking for and pulled out the next underneath. Then he gave me Miss Hepburn's camera back.

"I don't need this anymore, thank you." he said and looked at me for the first time since I had entered his room. I took the camera from his large hand, never even knowing that he had kept it for so long. But I thought it was alright. I hadn't heard Miss Hepburn complain about it. Maybe she was the kind of woman that kept her problems to herself.

I only smiled at him. I didn't know what to do with the camera so I walked over to his bed and put it on one of the nighstands.

"Have you had your breakfast?" Pip asked with his back against me, still leaned over the desk.

"Yes. What about you?" I asked back even though I was aware that he told me that he just had woken up. After dumping the papers in one of the drawers, he turned around. His eye searched after me, and when I was found, he smirked and took the cigarette out of his mouth and raised it up in the air like he was having a toast with it, mentioning that this was his morning smoke.

I wasn't sure how to answer that so I just gave him another smile and sat down on his bed, this time on his side which still hadn't been made.

"It's Saturday." he yelled after walking past me and the bed into the bathroom. "Yes." I answered without yelling, but I talked loud enough for him to hear.

"Got any particular plans?" he asked, and I frowned at the sound of water splashing.

"Pip…" I half-yelled. "Are you weeing with the door open?" I asked in dismay. It got silent from the bathroom, except for the continuing sound of water hitting the loo.

"Wanna join me?" he asked after a while and I lay down in Pip's bed with my hands covering my face in second hand embarrassment. He flushed the toilet.

I tried reminding myself constantly that we are different people and I needed to accept those differences. But some things were hard to pass without notice.

When he entered the room again, I peeked at him from behind my fingers. "Did you at least wash your hands?" I asked and he stared at me. "What for?"

"Never mind..." I said and cringed and clasped my hands together on my stomach. I looked up at him in discomfort.

"You can't wash your hands out there. Unless there's a pond or a lake nearby. We survive that, so I don't see it as something necessary. It's just a waste of clean water." he defended and sat down on his bed in front of me after lifting my legs up to rest on his lap. His big hands held on to my ankles like he was on a rollercoaster.

 _Out there, he said… Did he mean the war?_

"But now we're indoors Pip." I said. "And there's a water tap." He only smiled down at me. I noticed that his beard had grown.

"I'm more clean than you think…" he said, not the slightest concerned about my opinions. I looked down at his hands that were stroking my legs. I believed him. His nails rarely had dirt underneath them and I could almost always sense the smell of aftershave on him.

I looked up at the ceiling. Pip digged after his lighter and another cigarette in the pockets of his removed trousers behind him on top of the bed with one hand, whilst holding my legs still with the other. He was a compulsive smoker, Pip. When he noticed me staring at him putting fire on the cigarette in his mouth, he smirked and eagerly reached the cigarette out to me after blowing out new born excess smoke that danced in the air.

"Try it." he said, tossing the lighter beside him on top of the bedcovers where his trousers lay.

It wasn't an offering. It was more of an order if anything. I shook my head 'no' in reflex. I had never smoked in my entire life and I didn't plan on starting doing it when I've been clean for so long. Yet, to my own surprise I instinctively grabbed it from his hand like you would take a flyer from a stranger on the street and held it still in my hand, letting it burn by itself. Pip mocked me with a resting, half-lidded gaze. "Don't tell me you never done it before…" he said.

"I never done it before." I said in a robot-like manner. I expected him to nag at me or tease me for it, but instead he just looked genuinely excited, like he was happy about sharing that first moment with me. Pip grinned and shuffled closer to me, carrying me so that I was being seated in his lap.

"It's simple, really." he assured and grabbed my hand that was holding the cigarette.

I think about three things then.

One. _He's not wearing any trousers._

Two. _He didn't wash his hands after he went to the bathroom._

Three. _I was about to get cancer and die._

He led the not-glowing part of the cigarette towards my mouth, careful not to touch it, yet not caring if it burned him.

I hesitated before I parted my lips, like he was about to feed me something nasty. When I had the soft, burning stick in my mouth, Pip released my hand.

"Don't breathe it all in at once." he warned softly. I had already messed up my first try because I had started sucking on it as soon as he released it, like it was a straw attached to a soda can. It felt like my throat got invaded by millions of small cockroaches that were running wild against the slimy walls of my gullet that dried up and made it hard for me to breathe normally. It burned and hurt and I wanted them out of my body so I began coughing violently. It sounded scary, like an ill person who was slowly fading away in sickness.

Pip had expected this. He grabbed the cigarette from my hand in an alarming speed like an adult taking away something dangerous from a child, and pulled me towards him with the other; patting my back, pitying me. At least he didn't laugh at me.

When my coughing had settled down, I let out a little whimper and snuggled in closer to him. His hair was in the way just where I wanted to nestle into the side of his neck, but I didn't mind it. I'd much rather have his hair in my mouth than another cigarette, that's for sure.

"That was brave." he complimented and breathed out a portion of smoke from the same, evil cigarette that had caused me so much pain.

"You wouldn't tell on me, Pip, would you?" I asked in a raspy voice and looked up at him feebly.

"That Lydia Romanoff just suffered from smoke inhalation?" he asked with a smirk and nudged our noses together. "You have my word, ma'am."

I would forever see smoking as the most disgusting habit in the entire world. Peeing with an open door is one thing, but I would never let a cigarette near my mouth. Breathing in Pip's second hand smoke was more than enough for me.


	6. Camisole

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

When Miss Hepburn was on her usual stroll to town, I took the opportunity to leave the camera back in her office.

"Excuse me. You're a friend of Dorothy aren't you?" a voice asked me when I left the office and it scared me out of my flesh. I thought I had been busted.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you." It was Jerry. He was looking at me with small round hazel eyes. It made me nervous, but I didn't know what he wanted.

"Can I help you?" I asked without sounding rude, and he immediately smiled. "Yes – It's, uh… It's Dorothy." he said. He looked a bit foolish, honestly.

"You are her friend, right?" he asked, suddenly looking suspicious. I only had to nod to make him look harmless again. He opened up his leather bag that was hanging in a thick stripe from his shoulder down to the other side of his hip.

"Could you give her this?" he asked and handed me a folded piece of paper that was sealed with a piece of tape.

Then he saluted me and made a sharp turn, walking back to wherever he came from.

* * *

"Your man Jerry wrote a love letter to Dorothy." I spilled the beans to Pip as soon as we were alone in his room with the door shut once again.

This time I had taken over his entire bed; I lay right in the middle of it. But Pip could easily make room for himself on either side of it if he wanted to.

"Jerry's a fool." Pip said with a shake of his head. He was adjusting the shoelaces on his boots on a footstool in front of his wardrobe. When he was done he stepped down onto the wooden floor with a loud bang. My eyes blinked.

"I didn't even know the man could write." he said and put up his other shoe on the footstool and started working on it. He untied them only to tie them up better.

"Well…" I said, not wanting to be talking ill about him, since I didn't know him that well. But sometimes you can't help it and want to live a little.

"He did look a bit foolish to be honest." I said and smiled, watching Pip's profile. His braid was hanging from the shoulder closest to me, down in the space next to his raised leg, moving around like a loose liana from a tree.

"Did you read it?" he asked curiously.

"Of course not." I protested. "It was sealed with tape." Pip chuckled. "Tape?" He asked and looked up at me for a short moment with a full-toothed grin. A piece of his fringe was hanging in his eyes. "It was a sign that he wanted to make it private for her." I told him, actually finding it a bit sweet.

"Or that he was out of envelopes and only had tape." he said, now standing steady with both of his feet.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked him when I saw him twirling around in the same place, looking after something.

"I need to buy some more cigarettes." he said, approaching the chair on the desk where his jacket hung. The red scarf was dropped onto his desk.

"Are you coming with me?" he asked whilst dressing his upper body.

"Um…" I said, feeling that it wasn't allowed at all. But it was Sunday. And a few hours were left until dinner would start.

"Okay. Are we taking a cab?" I asked and Pip chuckled like I just said something funny. "I'll drive us there." he said. "Are you ready now?"

 _"Oh."_ I thought. _"Pip own a car."_

* * *

After a rapid walk towards the parking lot that lay beside the boarding house, we stepped into a grey, small Volvo. It made me think that he might be half-Swedish after all, but I was way more concerned that someone might have seen me sneak out with the captain in the middle of the day. It really was an idiot thing to do.

Pip started the car and promptly turned the wheel whilst the car whirled backwards out of the parking spot and speeded off as soon as we were on the road. I supposed he was one of those impatient drivers, but I didn't mind that very much since my father also was a savage driver. I took this opportunity to stare out from the window, feeling comfortable enough with him to do that. I didn't mind rough driving. I always had the feeling that Pip knew exactly what he was doing, no matter what he did.

"Where are you from?" Pip suddenly asked me and I looked at him a bit surprised. His eyes were on the road, but he wanted to have small talk with me. I didn't hesitate before I told him where I was from and what I was doing here. I ended up telling Pip some important details of my life, my family, some of my past jobs and pets that I've owned, everything that seemed interesting enough for him to know.

Just when I felt like I had been talking way too much and wanted to pass the ball over to him, he stopped outside a small drugstore of some kind and told me to wait in the car. Before stepping out, he looked at me with something odd in his eye.

"Don't forget to lock the doors." he said and it worried me. I didn't know if the reason was that he cared about my safety, or that he was afraid that someone would steal his car from him, but before I could question him he slammed the door shut and half-runned into the building. I nervously glanced around the street. I didn't know where we were but it appeared to be a less wealthy area. Further down the streets, I spotted two women with so little clothes on them that it even made _me_ flustered, mostly on their behalf.

The sidewalks were dirty with trash and I saw an old man sleeping on the concrete. I looked at the mirror attached to my door and saw nothing that caught my attention, but I still felt nervous and turned around in my seat to look out from the back window.

Once again, I saw nothing. Nothing but a dark purple vintage car that whooshed past Pip's Volvo from the other side of the street with no intention to stop. Then another car, an old truck which colour did not bother me because somebody was tapping the window on my side of the car.

When I swirled around in my seat I came face to face with a pair of bright glossy green eyes. It was one of the women I spotted earlier. Her friend was nowhere to be seen. She was leaning towards the side of the car, peeking into it. She probably noticed that the driver seat was empty because she said: "Is your daddy not here to keep you company? ~". She used a breathy voice through the window that reminded me of old recordings of Hollywood bombshells. Her face was caked with make-up and the long dark brown hair (probably hair extensions) looked mistreated and dry and failed to cover the cleavage that was seen underneath her red top that would be more suitable as a bra than anything else. She reminded me of the fictional women I saw on the promo pictures of the game 'Grand Theft Auto' that my brother used to play back home.

Before I knew what to do next, the door to the driver seat opened and Pip dropped down behind the wheel, slamming the door so hard that it felt like the car would collapse to pieces.

"I told you to lock the doors!" he yelled at me as he sharply turned the keys and pressed the accelerator pedal furiously. If I thought he was a careless driver before, I had experienced nothing.

"I forgot." I mumbled like a mouse when we're on the road again. This was the first time I had heard Pip yell at me. If I wasn't as confused as I was by the woman outside the drugstore, I would probably have a breakdown.

"I shouldn't have taken you with me." he muttered angrily to himself and speed up. I held onto the edges of my seat.

"I don't know why you're so angry, she didn't even try to open the door." I said quietly.

"She-" Pip began, but another car speeded past us and he must turn sharply to avoid an accident. He recovered quickly. "But what if she did? What would you have done then?" he asked me, looking at me with irritation. "I-" I began, but I didn't have a good answer to his question.

"Next time I'll just leave you behind in the boarding house. I didn't know you were such a bad listener." he said, and I couldn't just sit there and take all that. I was still confused from what happened.

"Then why did you take me to such a dangerous place?" I asked, my own question making me feel a bit betrayed and upset with him.

"That's one of the few places that sell the best brands." he answered calmly, minding his temper this time. Perhaps he started to feel a bit ashamed for letting me go through that just because he wanted his cigarettes. I sighed and looked out the window again.

"How horrible. I can't believe you left me alone in a place so down at heel." I grumbled, longing to be back in the clean rooms in the boarding house with the others from school. Pip pulled the breaks then, and I lunged forward and back to the seat again, thanks to the belt. When I looked around me, it seemed like we were in a different town with more grass and bluer skies.

"Now I want you to listen to me, Lydia..." Pip muttered under his breath. When I looked at him, he was avoiding my eyes. "The world is not a perfect place like the bubble you've grown up in. Not many people are as lucky as you. Remember that, little one." he said. When I heard that, I felt like crying. My bubble was far from perfect.

I swallowed something in my throat and I looked at him for a little while, wanting him to look back at me but he refused. "Pip." I said quietly. He barely reacted to it. I sniffed and looked through the window before us.

The forbidden question was starting to become unearthed from the deepest pits of my thoughts. I didn't feel like asking it, and I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to know the answer or not. I saw a grey striped cat run across the road. We were obviously on the countryside, far away from the slums. But I could still see her bright green eyes looking at me. I turned to look out the window on my side of the car because the image was so clear, but of course she was nowhere to be found. I only saw a green field of grass, similar to the one attached to the boarding house.

"Was she a prostitute?" I asked, almost in a whisper, and turned to look at Pip again.

It got dead silent in the car. He looked at me with a mild frown. He didn't look angry. Only slightly concerned and a bit tired. His hand reached out towards me then. At first, it looked like he wanted to touch my cheek, but his hand dropped to the car seat where my belt was buckled and adjusted it so that it was stuck properly. Then it returned to the wheel.

"Let's go home now." he said and started the vehicle.

When we drove off again, I felt sad although I knew that I should be grateful and happy instead. Because Pip had been so worried about me and just wanted me to be safe. I should've locked the doors when he told me to. Not look around after a reason why.

* * *

"Can you believe this? He wants to meet me in the bar again." Dorothy whispered in disbelief with the letter Pip and I had mocked held tightly to her chest. The three of us were inside my room, hiding away from eavesdropping classmates. It would be impossible to hear us talk there, unless people were pressing their ears against the walls or the door. (Which wouldn't surprise me at all).

"Will you go?" Felicia asked her and glanced at me and back to her, not knowing if it was a good or bad idea yet. To my surprise, Dorothy was hesitating.

"I-I'm not sure…" she said. _'Wait a minute… Did she stutter?'_ I thought to myself. When I looked at her, she bit her lip and looked away. "I think I-"she started but stopped again. Felicia and I were staring at her until she gave in. It didn't take long before she spilled her beans.

"I think I really, really, really like him." she admitted. It sounded like she was pain.

"But that's great news, isn't it?" Felicia asked after blinking a few times. I agreed with her. "If you like him, then of course you shall meet him again." I said and smiled at her. It seemed like she had cheered up a little bit as her worried eyes got more and more hopeful.

"I just hope that he likes me just as much as I like him." she mumbled, stroking the letter in her pale, almost white hands.

Her words brought up my own anxieties and I couldn't help but think about Pip and wonder the exact same thing as Dorothy about Jerry.

After another hour of conversation, it was settled that she would meet Jerry at the afternoon tea tomorrow evening, and Felicia and I would come with her as moral support and to keep track on evil followers and eavesdroppers.

* * *

Felicia and I sat at a corner table with a big curtain next to it that kept us slightly undercovered from the rest of the chatting individuals, which mostly consisted of military men or random temporary guests that only stayed in the boarding house for a night or two. We were spying on Dorothy who once again was seated next to Jerry by the bar, drinking the same drink as him.

"I'm so nervous." Felicia said, cheeks red. "She'll be fine." I assured with a smile, drinking my apple juice.

"Yes I know she will but (she leaned towards my ear) what if _he's_ here?" she whispered, and then I understood that she was nervous about seeing Javier. I smiled at her once again, even bigger than before.

"That would be fun, wouldn't it?" I asked her, but before she answered, we got interrupted by someone.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" a man asked. He was short and wore a pale yellow/green hat with a little sunscreen around it that matched his uniform. He was also one of Pip's men. I hadn't seen him before, or he was just very unnoticeable and didn't stand out in any way. He had a square face and brown hair that hang over his ears like seaweed. Looking to be in his late 40's, he was neither fat or thin, or even athletic. He had a normal body, but I still got the feeling that he played the part of a strategist. Or a map reader. Or even a luggage man.

Felicia and I looked at each other. I had a feeling neither of us wanted him to sit with us, yet we both nodded, keeping our faces.

The man grinned at us with a grateful nod, and sat down right next to me. I moved my apple juice closer to me so he would have room for his beer. Things from there got awkward. Felicia and I didn't feel like talking about neither Javier or Felicia and Jerry. The stranger had completely killed the mood for us.

"Oh! And I'm Leif by the way." he greeted and reached out his hand. I shook hand with Leif. Leif who had killed the mood for us.

"Lydia." I told him my name carefully. "Lydia!" he repeated awkwardly.

He didn't greet Felicia at all. Perhaps she had this shy atmosphere around her that kept people away. I wish I had that too. Felicia and I looked at each other again and then at Dorothy and Jerry.

"You're from that school right?" Leif asked and I nodded with a small smile. "I don't see you here very often." he said then, taking a sip of his beer. "but I'm glad to see you here now." he said, and I gave him another half-smile, hoping that he might stop talking so we could continue our little mission. It got silent for about a minute, then Leif asked me: "What are you having?" Felicia tried to conceal a laugh.

"Apple juice." I answered. I sounded more bitter than I intended, but it seemed to shut up Leif for another moment. Then both Felicia and I see it. Jerry grabbed Dorothy's hand underneath the bar desk and leaned down to whisper in her ear. Felicia and I smirked like idiots and Leif watched us in his own amusement.

"What's so funny?" he asked and looked around the lounge.

"Nothing, I need to go to the bathroom." I said and stood up, but Felicia grabbed my hand in panic and I looked at her with apologetic eyes. "Yes right and um, Felicia too!" I said and dragged her away from the table with me.

"It was nice meeting you!" Leif yelled after us, and Felicia and I hurried our pace.

"What a knucklehead. You didn't need to go to the bathroom for real, did you Lydia?" Felicia asked me and I shook my head with a playful smile. We disappeared in the mingling of people. Somebody was playing the piano in the background.

"I forgot my juice." I complained, but I didn't go back after it. But Felicia seemed more concerned than me and looked over her shoulder. Then, believe it or not, it happened again. Our hands got ripped away from each other and she walked straight into Javier, who this time managed to catch her. I grinned and darted off in a random direction, leaving the two of them alone.

When I was gone from both Felicia and Dorothy, I wasn't sure what to do next, but after many ifs and buts I decided to look for Pip. I didn't remember seeing him anywhere near the lounge. It was a big chance that he was out smoking on the balcony, but something told me that he was in his room.

When I stepped into the Wild Geese's department something felt riskier than it usually did. Perhaps because it was a late evening. Two men noticed me walking in one of the corridors and stopped me.

"Are you lost?" one of the men asked me. It didn't sound very threatening but I was still on guard. "No." I answered, trying to sound confident.

"What's your matters here then, schoolgirl?"

That was a trickier question. "Um." was all I said. Then I just walked past them. I was certain they would stop me, but they didn't. All I heard after me were chuckling and mutters about my uniform. I walked faster. The way to Pip's room seemed much longer than it previously did, but soon I was standing outside his door.

Then everything got overwhelming. I remembered our last moment on our trip to the drugstore. We hadn't met since that day, which was the day before yesterday. I suddenly felt like Pip was angry and didn't want anything to do with me. All the beliefs got so real in my head that I was about to turn around and leave any second.

"Lydia?" I heard him say my name and I turned around and saw him coming towards me.

"Hi." I said awkwardly. He stopped right in front of me, the smell of tobacco following him. "So you were the intruder my men had mentioned." he said and moved past me to open the door to his room for me. I sneaked into the darkness without saying anything about that, like I was hiding away from the situation. It was embarrassing enough.

"You weren't in the lounge, were you?" I asked him.

"No." he answered and turned on the dimmer lights in his room. I got the feeling he hadn't been here all day. He removed his hat and jacket and kicked off his boots.

"Why are you here Lydia?" he asked me and my heart dropped to my stomach. He had never asked me that before when I visited him. Mostly he was just being pleasantly surprised and happy to see me, but this time he just appeared disturbed and cold in a way.

I thought about leaving again, but just when I did that, Pip walked to the door and locked it, making my idea harder to follow. His arm was still stretched out to the door latch when he looked down at me with a feeble smile, still expecting my answer. I didn't think it was an attempt to lock me in his room. It was more like something he had intended to do as soon as he got here. I wasn't involved anymore. It was all about him now. Ever since that damn car ride.

"You're mad at me." I decided then and there, without asking. It sounded like a squeak and my eyes started to sting in preparation for tears. I felt like laughing too. It was a strange combination. Pip let go of the door and stepped closer to me. His expression seemed to have changed after hearing the little crack in my voice, or how weak and vulnerable it was. However it was, I had made something click in his brain, or even his heart.

He reached out to grab my face in both of his gloved hands, forcing me to look up at him. It was strange feeling the thick leather against my cheeks. It was solid and smooth at the same time, yet it felt intimate, like his touch was permeated through it.

"Sleep with me Lydia." He said in a lean, husky voice. My hands snatched onto his wrists in flabbergasted misunderstanding, like that somehow could put this situation on hold. My entire face was burning. "What?" I asked flustered. My voice came out as a whisper and Pip laughed and pulled my arms around his broad neck effortlessly since they were already holding onto his wrists tightly. When my arms were secured around him, he lifted me up from the floor and carried me towards the bed.

"Then just keep me company then." he said with a nonaggressive groan before lifting the covers and laying me down onto his mattress. I realized that Pip managed to carry me with just one arm and I lay awestruck on his bed, waiting for him to join me after turning the lights off and removed his clothing until he was just in his underwear. After that, he managed to find the bed in the dark and hid us both underneath the duvet cover. He pulled me as close to him as he could.

His body was warm and the bed was already heated up to the point that it was hard to breathe normally. Then I realized that it must just be me, since I was still fully dressed in my uniform. I was still wearing my shoes for crying out loud!

"Pip." I said awkwardly, and he must've realized it too. He chuckled and pulled away, turning on the light on the nightstand. "Do you need help?" he asked. I scanned his bare torso and my eyes darted away.

"U-hm." I said and crawled over him clumsily, standing up on the floor on his side of the bed. Pip sat up on the bed then, with the covers still over his legs.

I wanted to get this over with as soon as I could, so I took off my shoes and kicked them aside. I stepped out of my stockings, pressed them into a ball and tossed them in the same direction as the shoes, I untie the back of the apron that was attached to my uniform and put it away more gently, folding it and placed it on a chair nearby. I never knew why we needed aprons to our uniforms. It made our school uniforms look more like old vintage doll dresses than actual school uniforms.

When I looked up at Pip, he reached out his hand to me.

"Come here." he said civilly, in a way that made it impossible for one to believe he could do any harm. I grabbed his hand in a trustful way and he pulled me near him on the bed. When Pip sat down, we were almost the same height. I was just about half a head taller than him. His eye scanned my layers of clothing before he releases my hand. He fished my long armed jumper from underneath the hem of my skirt and pulled it over my head and threw it away gently on the chair where my apron rested.

"Just how much clothes do they force you to wear?" he asked after a small chuckle and reached up to untie the bowtie that kept my collar in place. When I bit my lips, he noticed my bashfulness. "I'm only teasing you dear." he assured after removing the tie. "I love dignity." He then started unbuttoning the first button on my blouse from the collar, and in the matter of only a few seconds, my collarbones and arms are exposed underneath my satin tank top. Pip stopped for a moment then, as he examined my upper body. I had seen this coming all along, yet what he says next surprised me.

"You're wearing a camisole." he said in an admiring tone while his fingers moved up to touch the thin strap around my left shoulder.

"It's shorter than a chemise but just as lovely. Very common in France because its name is of French origin." he explained to me in a sophisticated tone that eased every single drop of my nervousness. His knowledge made me wonder just how many women he must've spend the night with.

I swallowed and said in a small voice: "I would like to keep it on."

A part of me thought he would be refusal to his, yet he only looked into my eyes with a soft expression. One of the corners of his long lips turns upwards in a side-smirk.

"Me too. I do think it's lovely." he said and continued with what he was doing; he moved down to the left side of my hip where the seal to my skirt was. Pip never failed to surprise me. How did he know where to find the seal? Perhaps it was just a lucky guess.

When he opened up the security button and pulled down the zipper, I simply let the skirt be dropped onto the floor and I left it laying there as I quickly crawled back into the safety underneath the covers behind him so that he wouldn't have time to comment on my underwear.

It took a while for Pip to lay back down, and when he did, he didn't turn the lights off. He wanted to look at the ceiling. I wanted to look at him.

"You're beautiful." he suddenly said and his head lollied to the side to look at me from his pillow. My head was resting on my hands as I searched after traces of lies on his face, or waited for him to smirk, laugh, anything that would make me believe that he was joking with me. But when he remained composed and quiet, I can no longer face him. My eyes dart away into the darkness in the corner of his room.

"Thank you Pip." my voice whispered. I felt him coming closer to me. He was neither sitting or lying down. He was doing something in-between, resting on his elbows.

"Do you want to be in my arms?" he asked me, which was a bit odd. He usually just assumed that I wanted such things. His question made me confused, so I asked him: "Why?" and I sounded more curious than offended. Pip chuckled. He almost sounded nervous. Then I came to think about that we were both in our underwear so it was more of an intimate request. That's why he had asked me first.

"You know... cuddle... kissing a little." he mumbled with a smile on his face. He could be so frank sometimes. "Okay." I said after a while of thinking and sniffed. I didn't sound much up for it because I was a bit afraid of what would happen. Yet, I slummed down almost on top of him; my head nestling on his chest just underneath his chin. Perhaps I did that because I wasn't ready to kiss him then.

His arms found their way around me at once. I had the feeling he was looking up at the ceiling again.

"I'm sorry, Lydia" he then said. "about the prostitute.". I closed my eyes. "Goodnight Pip." I said. One of his arms left me for only a moment. He turned off the light beside us. Then he embraced me wholeheartedly again.


	7. Refill

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Someone was knocking on the door. Whoever this person was made me wake up from my sleep. "Stay here." Someone told me. It was Pip's voice. I remained like he said, but I was wide awake so I sat up in the warm bed and watched Pip put on his trousers. His long braid swung behind him as he marshed towards the door.

I wanted to hide away, but I also wanted to know what was going on. It sounded urgent. I saw Pip open the door, but I couldn't see who was on the other side of it. "Hello! Hello! Good morning, captain!" The voice said. It was a strangely familiar voice. A voice that belonged to someone who just had said 'hello' twice in a greeting.

"Is there something important?" Pip asked after letting out a sight. He sounded revealed somehow, yet he seemed a bit annoyed by this person.

"Y-yes! It's about the pictures." the voice on the other side said. He sounded very familiar. Stupid familiar. "Pictures?" Pip asked. I never thought Pip had a morning voice, but there it was, sleepy, raspy and passive aggressive. "Yes! I didn't get any copies." the person said. "You do realize that it's seven in the morning though?" Pip asked with another sigh, but to my surprise, he opened the door and stepped aside, revealing Leif standing out there in the hallway, looking terrified and extremely merry at the same time. Like a fan meeting their hero for the first time.

"You find them in the drawer over there." Pip said and mentioned to his desk. Leif gladly stepped in and Pip lazily shut the door, like he was aware this man wouldn't be here for long. He didn't know how wrong he was. As soon as Leif's eyes found me on the bed, his body freezed and he looked like a deer caught in spotlight. "You." he says, even pointing a finger at me. "You're here." he said with a grin. He was thinking for a moment.

"Lydia." he said my name. "Lydia's here." he said, being proud about remembering my name. I didn't know what to feel about him remembering me, but I remembered him too alright.

"Apple juice Lydia." he called me, still standing in the same place. Pip walked out of the bathroom with his face covered in shaving foam. He shot me a questioning look whilst Leif continued his way to the desk. I shrugged my shoulders and made a grimace, pretending not to know either.

Leif stopped again, only halfway to the desk. "Excuse me." he said and looked at the two of us. "I wasn't interrupting something, was I?" he asked, eyes scanning the bed and landed on Pip. I was amazed at how someone could be so gutless and brave at the same time. But of course he was curious. Anyone in Pip's group would be curious walking into this. I admired Leif somehow, so I wanted to spare him from what might express itself from Pip, so I said: "No, Leif." and his confuzzled eyes darted to me.

I smiled at him. "We didn't make love." I said, and after those words left my lips, I hear something slam, like something just had been thrown inside the room. When I turned to Pip where the noise had come from, it seemed that the captain just had walked into the open bathroom door and almost knocked over a little drawer. His eye looked at me briefly, giving me a wary look before he cleared his throat and returned into the bathroom.

When I looked back at Leif, I wanted to give him a confused look at his captains behaviour or a little shrug, but Leif had finally managed all the way to the desk and picked out the photos he needed. He turned back to me when he was done and I noticed that his face was redder than it previously was.

"You look pretty in the morning Lydia." he blurted out and wanted to leap out of the room, but he struggled with the door and made a clumsy exit, forgetting to close the door behind him properly. In the same moment, Pip walked out newly shaved and sighed, approaching the door when he saw it on ajar.

"Leif is a handful alright." he muttered and closed the door and locked it quickly. He walked back to me and stood at the edge of the bed, holding onto the bedframe with a delighted glimmer in his eye. His mouth was in a side smirk. "We didn't make love." he said. He didn't speak to me directly, he only repeated what I said to Leif earlier. "That's right." I said, bit my lips and looked down at my feet that perked up from underneath the covers.

Pip laughed and pulled away from the bed that shook a little when he did so. He rounded the corner of it and sat down just beside me feet. "Ever heard of the word sex?" he asked me playfully, mocking my choice in words. "Ever heard of the word fuck?" he asked with a false expression of insult and scandal and lowered his body over mine like a haunting animal in the savannah. He urged his body closer to me until he was leaning over my face, making me watch out for his sharp chin.

"I can't believe you decided to call it that out of everything. Always so formal, little Lydia." he said with an adoring shimmer in both his eye and voice. "So exquisite." he said and reached out to stroke the side of my face. I thought he was making a joke out of me, but he was just trying to make sure that he was gratified by my reply. He was an odd man, Pip. I never knew what to expect of him.

I didn't have to do much. Just lay there and leave Pip with his own opinions about me and let him decide what to do with his hands. It was alright for me. It felt good to not force anything. I just had to be myself to make him stay.

Imagine if I could have been stuck in that moment. With a wall around us. Then I would have wanted to be buried there. For all eternity.

* * *

I was aware of my own sins that I made; sneaking away from the girl's dormitory to the afternoon tea and later on spending the night with Pip. When he was off to his duties, I managed all the way to the breakfast without turning a single head. The dining hall was empty of Wild Geese soldiers, so they all must've followed orders by Pip.

Something felt wrong. When I sat at one of the smaller tables with Dorothy and Felicia, something felt extremely off. But it wasn't about me. It was about Felicia. She was more quiet than usual, and she didn't even mind her posture. At first I thought she was sulking because the men had gone away, but deeper thoughts than that hit me with the horrific idea that she was upset with me for leaving her yesterday. She hadn't spoken a word to me ever since I had been seated.

Did she know about me and Pip? But why would that matter to her? She was over him.

"Felicia." I said and her blue eyes looked at me. Her cheeks were red. They were somewhat always red. "He's married." she mumbled quietly. "What?" I said, but not because I didn't hear her. "Javier got a wife." Dorothy said strictly, poking her eggs with irritation like she was blaming Javier for that matter.

"Oh." I said, and I felt a bit selfish, because the only thing I started to think about was Pip, and like Felicia had been reading my mind (or seeing my face) she managed to give me a weak smile. "Don't worry, I won't go back to Pip because of these news. I'll give it a rest for now." she said and took a sip of her water. Dorothy couldn't rest about it.

"He's a swine!" she said, a bit too loud. Miss Hepburn a few tables away gave her a warning glare, but Dorothy didn't seem to notice. "If he got a wife, he shouldn't provoke emotions in other women. My, he shouldn't be in an army at all." she proclaimed, stabbing her bacon. "Everything is allowed in war and love, but there are some exceptions."

"What about you and Jerry then?" Felicia asked her, seeming to be in a better mood. Her smile seemed less forced than previously. Dorothy looked at the two of us with a dumb expression, like she knew something we didn't. She was blushing. "Well… What about it..." she started, hiding a laugh inside her. "We sort of… you know…" she said and Felicia and I exchanged looks of shock. Dorothy put down her cutlery. "Oh, come on!" she shouted with a huge grin. All of her attention turned to me then, she looked smug.

"I didn't see you in your room this morning either, so don't tell me you didn't do anything." she whispered to me and Felicia leaned towards us in curiosity.

"Oh, come on!" I shouted in a similar manner Dorothy did. Then Miss Hepburn stood up from her table and was on her way and it was time for us to put our masks back on.

* * *

I was a bit upset with Pip for giving me lack of information about Javier. In fact, my emotions sort of took over when I saw him during dinner with a few other of his soldiers. The thing that sadly touched my heart the most was that Felicia was too embarrassed to even eat in the same room as Javier, so she stayed in her room. She didn't want to talk about how it all happened, but I assumed that it got very awkward for her, and it was my fault for leaving her alone with him.

I blamed myself for all of this, but Pip was involved too.

I formed a plan. The men used to slack around after dinner was over, sitting and sucking their cigarettes and ordering more coffee and cognac. So I had decided that I should stay too, and when the time was right, I should approach Pip and confront him. I thought about Dorothy the entire time. I needed to be her for a moment. I needed to pull off a Dorothy.

I had been completely determined to put this plan in action. But it wasn't until I was the only girl in the room (minus the maid who cleaned the empty tables and took orders) that I considered backing down. But I didn't have to do anything. Because _he_ was actually approaching _me_.

I looked around for something on the table to be occupied with so it wouldn't look like I had been planning this the entire time. But the table was empty and Pip was near. I wished I had ordered coffee.

"Good evening love." he greeted me. "Don't call me that." I said, looking another way. Pip chuckled, untouched by my blunt greeting and sat down in the chair beside me, not in front of me.

"Regretting making love with me already?" he joked and I glared at him. There were only a few of his men left in the dining room anyway, so he could say what he wanted. That also applied to me. "Why didn't you tell me that Javier had a wife?" I asked him, and Pip looked at me with a scowl. "That's not my course, darling. Not my thing to tell." he said. "To be honest, I don't know why that information even bothers you."

"It doesn't bother me." I answered. "But it bothers Felicia. The information left her devastated. If you just had told me this when I mentioned him, the plaster would already have been removed and she might be smiling now instead of starving herself just to avoid him." I said, and I felt that every word I said was so true and accurate, but Pip was completely unaffected by them.

"Left her devastated…" he mumbled and pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "It's not like a bullet have collided with his skull." he said and my eyes darted away. I didn't like when he spoke about these things so lightly. "You know… I'm so fed up with all these ideas that you girls form in your heads. You got your eyes on someone, and from that moment you decide that you own that person, and who he is and what he have done is his past doesn't matter. You love this stranger unconditionally and expect him to do the same." he said, and I took every word to my heart, because it felt like he was talking about me and not Felicia.

"Besides" he said and blew out a portion of smoke "You asked me about his name. Not if he had a woman.".

I didn't know what to do. My eyes darted around in the dining hall, like they were looking after a wasp. I must've looked scared.

What did he mean with it all?

Stranger? Was Pip a stranger? Did he think that I owned him? That I loved him?

I turned to Pip, he had been looking at me this entire time, pondering. Perhaps he felt like he was right and enjoyed me being speechless.

No. I wouldn't let him believe that. Not yet.

 _So help me God. So help my Dorothy._

My hand reached up to his face and I stole the cigarette from his mouth and took it down on the table where I crushed it with my fingers. I smiled at him and his half-surprised expression.

"Time for me to move on too then. Don't worry, Pip. I'll stop dreaming soon." I said and stood up from the table. Some men in the background were watching the situation. I began walking towards the exit, minding my posture. But with every step, I feel more and more hesitant.

What was I doing? This wasn't about me. Should I make this get over me and Pip, just because Javier was married to a woman and my friend happened to have a silly crush on him? And then what? What would happen later on? The day after that? The next week? Should I avoid Pip forever? All while we lived in the same house.

Most importantly; I didn't own Pip but I acted like I did. I got upset with him for absolutely nothing.

I stopped at the exit. Then I got over myself. I took a deep breath. Sometimes you need to loose parts of yourself to gain new ones.

I turned around, and I walked back to the table where Pip was still sitting with the crushed cigarette before him. It was strange, like he had been waiting for me. I had walked into the scurf's of my previous fit. I felt oddly nostalgic, even though it was too soon. Pip looked up at me, without mocking or judging me.

"I wanted to apologize." I said to him. "Not only for ruining your cigarette but for my behaviour in general. I'm a child. It felt awkward when you said all those things." I said, and even though that felt like the most embarrassing thing, it also felt good. I sat down again, and poked the tobacco corpse, like I was able to fix it.

"How much is it? I can give you money back for it." I said, remembering what we went through a time ago when we got them for him at the drugstore.

When I looked at Pip again, I almost got annoyed with him again for not reacting or saying anything. He opened the pocket of his jacket and took out a new cigarette. When it was lit, and he put it in his mouth and blew out a set of smoke, he was ready for me again. He looked down at me with an expression I couldn't understand. He looked grateful, sympathetic and considerate and cocky at the same time. Almost flattered. Almost fascinated. Almost in love.

"You owe me nothing." he said. "Remember that Lydia. You owe me nothing."

I swallowed something in my throat and nodded a little, more to myself. It felt impossible to argue with him about this. If Pip told me that I did not owe him anything, I didn't. It was as simple as that. I turned to him with a smile.

"Good evening, Pip." I greeted him. Pip let out a laugh that one would know came out straight from within. "Oh Lydia..." he said and swallowed. He sniffed and looked at his cigarette. "What you just did earlier... made me think back to when my mother caught me on my first cigarette." he told me. "And all the other things were just magnificent. Your words, your poise, good grief, you even sacrificed a smile to me before you left." For the first time, I might've seen the captain a little bit embarrassed. He chuckled at himself and pinched the bridge of his nose.

I sat still and just looked at him. I had no idea that I had managed to affect him this way. It was hard to believe. When Pip turned to look at me again, he looked a little bit more serious. "You told me that you should move on and stop dreaming." he said then. "I need you to explain. What did you mean?" he asked, and I felt my throat dry up, and I almost regretted my decision to return to him and apologize.

"Um…"

"Would you like to order something?" the maid interrupted us gently, sparing me the embarrassment to confess to Pip this way.

No more hesitation. No more holding back.

"One cognac please."

* * *

Before falling asleep the following night, I was glad to feel a bit dignified. If I hadn't turned around and walked back to Pip, I would've felt completely different. Another thing that I was glad and grateful for was that Pip did not ask any more about my dreams.

But I simply could not find the courage to tell him that I had fallen for him. I didn't want him to think that I was like the rest of the girls, although what I had said to him gave him quite a big hint, I like to believe that it went in one of his ears and out the other.

The only thing that concerned me deeply was that he brought it up and questioned it, so he must've thought about it.

It was time for breakfast again. After preparing myself for the day, I met up with Dorothy outside of Felicia's room. She refused to come with us again.

"You're being completely ridiculous." Dorothy told her through her door. "First you cry over stupid braid, now you're depressed over that married maracas. Get yourself together or we'll leave you to start hanging out with old mean Minnie again!" she threated.

 _Married maracas._

"Maybe we should leave her be." I said to Dorothy quietly. It would be rude to force Felicia to do this. If she wasn't ready, she wasn't. She needed time.

Dorothy looked at me and back to the door.

"Even Lydia wanna ditch you!" she yelled to Felicia and I sighed.

"No I don't!" I yelled.

* * *

"It's just the two of us." Dorothy noticed. We sat by a corner table, and the random girls we usually found ourselves with were here and there across the room. "So it appears." I answered, cutting my pancake, actually not minding the peace. Pip was leaning against the wall further away with a cigarette in his hand. Dorothy noticed. "What's the matter with stupid braid? He's not sitting down. Did he fall on his bum or something?"

I almost spit out my orange juice all over the table.

"Hello. Hello ladies. Good morning Lydia." someone said in the middle of all this. It was Leif again. His round brown eyes looked at me in recognition, but landed uncertainly on Dorothy who looked up at him like she saw something floating above him.

There was that Leif-awkwardness again.

It felt like we had all eyes upon us, even though everyone was busy with their food.

"Hello." I said at last. It sounded like a question and I sounded nonchalant and sarcastic, but at least I greeted him. That was enough for a person like Leif, who looked head over hills over my unkind hello. His smile goes all the way to his ears. He was holding a tray with a cup of tea and a big sandwich layered with cheese and sausage.

I realized that Leif knew me pretty well. He knew about me sharing bed with Pip. It got a bit too much for me. Dorothy looked at me with questioning eyes.

"Um." I said, suddenly finding myself searching after Pip. He stood at the same place as earlier, watching us from a distance, almost as in inspecting what was going on. "Hi. I'm Dorothy." Dorothy suddenly said, breaking the ice.

When Leif turned his attention to her, I breathed out and took the opportunity to take my half-filled glass of juice and make it full again. My flight instinct had kicked in, and it was working well. The two of them didn't seem to mind this though. When I glanced over my shoulder, Leif had already been seated and the two of them had already started to chit chat.

I stood by the juice machine and filled my glass again. It almost overflowed so I had to sip it so I wouldn't spill anything on my way back. But I didn't feel like going back at all to be honest.

"You're afraid of him." The sudden voice made me jump and dive my nose into the drink. I snorted and coughed and placed the glass on the desk the machine stood on. I would recognize that chuckle anywhere.

"No I'm not." I said to Pip, reaching out for a napkin, but he was quicker than I and handed me a few. I wiped my face. It smelt like juice everywhere.

"I just saw it. He made you uncomfortable." Pip said, stepping closer to me whilst leaning against the desk. He took my glass of juice and crossed his arms over his chest whilst holding it. I got closer to him too, in case someone was eavesdropping. But so far so good. There was a little wall that separated us from the dining room.

"Maybe uncomfortable, but I'm not afraid of him." I said. "Uncomfortableness equal distress and distress equal alarm, and fright. With other words, it's the same thing." he said and took a mouth full of my juice.

"I just had my nose in that." I said with a sniff. It still smelt like orange juice. Pip shrugged and lifted the glass as in proposing a toast. "Unwasted." he said and grinned, and I shook my head at him with a smile. I felt both disgusted and flattered at the same time.

"Now why are you afraid?" he asked, attention back on Leif. Even though I still wasn't convinced that I was afraid of him, I still thought about it, and why he made me uncomfortable.

"He's kind of unpredictable I think." I said. I looked up at Pip with a light frown. "Well you're unpredictable too, but in a different way." I told him and he smirked at once, bringing the glass to his mouth again. "It's like he doesn't know what he's doing at times. It's like he's in his own world." I explained after thinking more and more about it.

Pip finished my orange juice and put the glass on the little platform attached to the machine. "Well you're right about one thing." he said, filling the glass again. "He's not really conscious in our reality. He joined us after his mother died because he thought he'd find connections with the others side if he experienced a close to death experience." Pip left the glass filled with juice in the machine.

I found myself staring into space. Fine. I was a bit scared.

"Don't worry about it." Pip said, grabbing my arm. His sudden touch sent a bolt of shivers down my spine. "I'll keep an eye on you Lydia." he promised, later on laughing at his own joke. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to his eye then, but I simply laughed with him, not wanting to be a bore.

I looked at the glass field with juice then, the bright yellow colour distracting me. "I should probably..." I said.

"Yes, yes. You get back there and act like normal. I was on my way out." Pip said and released my arm. I didn't know why he should go but my first instinct was to go with him. "You'll find me on the lounge balcony if you need me." he said, and I nodded, finding it difficult to manage a smile. I grabbed my juice and walked past him.

"Lydia?" Pip called my name and when I turned around he was even closer than what he was before. But this time I didn't spill a drop even though I had bumped into his chest softly, and now I looked up at him curiously, even laughing slightly at this little incident.

He spoke in a low, almost grouchy voice, like he was telling me a secret he didn't want anyone else to hear. "I haven't let them wash the sheets in my room ever since you spent the night with me, so don't think for a second that I would be disgusted by drinking that juice of yours." he said and stroked me underneath the chin, like he was petting a kitten, and then he turned around and left after having a glance down at my lips.

I stood there, glaring after him. Then with a smile, I brought the glass to my mouth.

* * *

A few days later, Felicia had gotten over Javier to the point that she could finally eat with us like normal. If I had known that she liked pudding so much, then I would've tempted her sooner. But then, there was another problem. Where was Dorothy? She had been absent a whole day. I thought she was sick, but I knew otherwise when even Miss Hepburn asked for her during our verse reading. At dinner time, I decided to go and look for her.

I was on my way to her room, but I found her before that; sitting alone at the little cigar lounge that currently was as closed as it could be, considering every single couch were empty and the cigar bar was barred. She wanted to be by herself, that's why she sat here.

"Dorothy?" I asked and approached her. She was sitting still in the old leather chair and she barely reacted when she saw me. Her eyes were blank and emotionless, like she had been staring into space this entire time. I sat down on the sofa across from her.

"Where have you been? Have you been sitting here all day?" I asked her, noticing her handbag dropped on the table in front of her. She had a bottle of water with her that she barely had touched and a crystal bowl with salted cashew nuts.

The ribbon was tied tightly around her dark hair which was done more tidily than normally. She usually had a few hair strands loose around her face and ears as a protest against the dress code. But this evening, everything was in order. She wore stockings underneath her uniform and the apron was spotless and weared as it should, and not a single wild hair could be spotted on her clean face that was emptied of make-up. She usually wore some lip gloss and filled in her brows; some other small protests than couldn't be judged or pointed out because of their minority, but she had dusted off everything, like she was expecting a visit from a strict old woman from the aristocracy.

I was about to ask her if her parents were on their way here, but then she let out a sight and looked at me whole heartedly. She frowned in a way that she would soon burst into tears.

"He's ignoring me." she said and that was the only words I needed to hear to understand her state and why she was here and why she was avoiding the world around her. Everything made sense. She had cleaned herself up in order to get rid of the dirt Jerry had left on her. But to me, she would always be angelic. She sniffed and frowned deeper, swallowing her tears. She looked more angry than sad.

"So it really _is_ true then? What mama and papa says in all households to their daughters?" she asks me with a tone of tremulousness. "They have their way with you and then they just-" she stopped herself and grabbed the bottle of water, tearing off the lid. She gulped in as much water as she could, as in turning off the thirst of her emotions.

"Bloody mercenaries. You do know they kill for money, right?" she asked me. "And fuck for fun."

When I heard her voice crack, it got too much for me. I stood up from the sofa and walked up to her and pulled the ribbon out of her hair so the dark locks fell around her. I kneeled down before her, the blue piece of fabric dancing down in my lap. I stared at her.

"Don't ever let anyone make you less than what you are." I said, end everything felt so corny and dramatic, but Dorothy seemed moved by it so I continued with my intentions and pulled out a coloured lip balm from my pocket and put it in her hand.

"Never retreat Dory! We must rise above it all." I said and smiled.

"Oh, Lydia!" Dorothy sniffed again.

She looked at me with her glossy green eyes and I finally see a true smile on her face.

"Yes ma'am."


	8. Birdsong

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Dorothy, Felicia and I had started an anarchy. This mostly consisted of how we had our own afternoon tea meetings in someone's room and talked about the world and how it seemed to be against us and we talked about which flavour of the fudge candy tasted better. Chocolate always won, but I liked caramel and vanilla a little better.

I tried to talk as less about Pip as possible or not at all. I didn't want to let them know that things between us were going rather well, when things had turned out the way it did with the two of them and their interests. It was like I was pretending to be heartbroken too. Or even worse, waiting for it.

 _They kill for money and fuck for fun._ Dorothy's words would never be forgotten.

I found myself slowly falling into a little depression. The more time passed, the more I was certain that Pip was the same as the rest of them and would crush me soon. I kept my head low and put on my blinders again. I tried to remind myself that I was here for my own education, not anything else. My thoughts had chased me out of the building one day, and I walked with my book out to the green field. Unfortunately, my plan backfired downright ironically. The bench was occupied already, and by none other than Pip himself.

I thought about many different things when I walked up to him. Why I was still walking, for example. Didn't I try to avoid him? My feet told me differently. My mind told me that I should read. My heart told me to sit down and lean on him. I wondered how he ended up sitting here by himself in the first place. I wondered if he would get mad at me if I threw the book on his head.

After a the thoughtful walk, I reached him and rounded the bench on the side where it was more room and put down my book in-between us before sitting down. Sort of like it was a metaphoric wall between us. School was in the way for our relationship development. He couldn't hurt me now. He couldn't touch me.

"You're armed." he said, glancing at the book.

"Funny you'd say that because I was thinking about throwing it at you." I said with a grin.

"I heard your footsteps. You better work on your ambush, my dear." he said with a grin. He was smoking again. I looked in front of us, over the field and the horizon of forest. I couldn't help myself. He needed to know.

"Jerry is a whore." My words startled Pip and he inhaled a bit too much tobacco and coughed it up in one violent cough that scared me. I looked at him calmly, as in showing him that I was a bit serious. He coughed again, less harshly and turned his head to the side, away from me, and spat on the grass. He threw the cigarette on the ground and killed it with his boot, like he was upset with it. The teacup I had left behind some time ago was stuffed with old cigarettes and lay on the grass, about four inches from my ankle.

"That's not a word I hear from your lips every day. I'm not used to you speaking that kind of language. It's like hearing a little child curse." he said.

"It wasn't a curse." I said. "It was a fact. He slept with Dorothy, and now she doesn't exist in his life. It's like he never met her."

My later words weren't as surprising to him. It was like he had seen this coming all along. He didn't say anything; he was only looking at me with a thoughtful expression. I had the feeling that he didn't want to talk ill about his men. Except about Leif of course. It was easier to mock a motherless man who was mentally damaged than a man who captured young girls hearts to later throw them away like trash. I felt myself get angry. Not at Pip, but at the world. And for Dorothy.

"I want you to know what kind of man he is Pip. At first I found his cheaply sealed letters sweet, but now the memories of them makes my blood boil. He's a phoney and he's a cruel, heartless coward." I said. Pip was giving me his full attention. I could almost feel how he sharpened his ears. It made me glad.

"He _is_ a whore." I muttered under my breath. "I wish I had never given Dorothy that letter. I should've ripped it to millions of pieces or thrown them up his...". "Can I kiss you?" I looked at Pip with eyes so wide that I was certain all of the white could be seen around my orbs. It was like all the hate my ranting had built up vanished after his question.

"You're joking." I said, looking down at his lips and back to his eye.

"I'm not." he said. His serious tone made it obvious that he wasn't playing around with me. But he had picked the worst of timings. "And then what?" I asked him. "Will you do the same thing that Jerry did with Dorothy?" I asked, and Pip smiled and shook his head, probably thinking that I was the most naïve person on the planet.

"You're throwing us all from the same building, Lydia." he said. "Life is not what you think it is. There are greater things to it." he said and looked across the field.

"From what I know, no man is different from the other. Sometimes I think you're all the same. Deep down you are, anyway." I said, for the moment convinced about it. Pip turned to me, and his eye was filled with awareness, like he just had made a discovery. "You're a virgin, aren't you Lydia?" he asked me and it felt like everything inside me turned to ice. But not my skin, no, my skin was burning, and it wasn't because of the sun.

I looked at him for too long without saying anything and I wished I had thrown the book on his head when I had the chance as I saw a knowing smirk take form on his wide lips. Virgin was an understatement. I doubted that I even had had my first "real" kiss, which might be a discussable subject, because I wasn't that young. I never had time for things like that. There was nothing wrong with that.

I couldn't look at Pip anymore. I placed my hand on the book. "Perhaps I should..." I said, but Pip's leather gloved hand captured my hand before I had a proper grip on it. When I looked at Pip, I felt myself frowning in irritation and shame. Why was he doing this to me? He must've known that I got uncomfortable, that I got scared. Birds were chirping in the background, having no idea what was going on.

 _Humans. Such weird creatures they are._

"Have you French kissed someone before?" he asked kindly, like it was the most normal question to ask someone. Sort of like "have you skied before?" or "have you tried sushi?". I shook my head 'no', and I've never felt so modest in my entire life. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I was sitting there, captured in the middle of bird chirping. The only thing that kept me prisoned was my hand that was still pinned to the Latin verse book by Pip's own hand. He leaned on the backrest slightly, his free hand and arm disappearing behind it as he put all his focus on me.

I felt sick. I was not sickened by him; he just made me feel this way. Then, Pip Bernadotte, the captain of the Wild Geese asked me: "Would you care to try it?"

The situation was too frail to even think he was joking. I knew he was being serious, and for some reason, his question felt like any other question, and I answered it just as I would have answered to any other question; I nodded my head, simply out of pure curiosity. And I had no idea what to expect from there. When Pip knew my answer, I was prepared for him to just dive in and take the lead, but it wasn't like that at all. It was like he had all the time in the world.

The hand behind the backrest appeared on my side as he held the wood steady behind me. In my trance, Pip grabbed the book from in-between us and put it away on his other side and was quick to grab my hand and pull me closer to him. The birds were still chirping. He wasn't done talking.

"Don't flinch away. You will be surprised at one point, you'll notice, but try to not move." he said, and I knew exactly what he meant. I was about to have another person's tongue inside my mouth, and I had no idea how it was going to feel. "Ready?" he asked in one breath. It sounded more like a warning, but I nodded carefully and the next thing I felt was his mouth parting and closing over mine, like he was about to take a big bite off my face.

I turned my head to the side carefully, like I was trying to figure out what was going on, and just when I parted my lips too, the inside of my mouth got company with a force intruding the little room and lay seizure on my tongue. I tried to control myself, be fearless, but my eyes widened and I felt shivers all over my body, like there was invisible fishes swimming around all over it.

It was scary, everything just felt abnormal and wet and unclean, and I did just what had Pip told me _not_ to do, I flinched back, but he knew this would happen so he had his ambush planned. The hand on the backrest had jumped up like an ejection and his long fingers bursted through the roots of my hair and held my head still, forcing me to continue that temporary moment by moment madness. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't know what to do, and how to behave. Worst of all; I wasn't good at it. His own hand would be more exciting for him to make out with.

I sat stuck in the same place, feeling him examine me from inside, licking and rooming around like a dog licking a bowl clean of food. His tongue was solidly hitting my teeth and the inside walls of my cheeks. I felt his lips brush against mine all the time. I think that was what I liked the most; the thrilling, sealed connection that seemed unbreakable. Perhaps the only thing I enjoyed in all of this. Feeling his lips on mine for the first time.

He had done it many times, I could tell. He knew exactly how to behave to be dominate, but not to the point of being obsessive or hurtful.

His hand released mine and wandered along my arm up to my face where his hand met my cheek. He pulled away then, both of his hands grabbing me by my shoulders, like detaching from me was something grim for him to do and he needed to force himself to do just that. When our lips parted and our heads were separated from each other, my mind was completely blank. I saw Pip with the clear thought that he just had been making out with me, and it was replaying in my head.

"How was that?" he asked me with a strange seriousness in him that told me that this was something important. I was at a loss of words. I didn't know what to answer. I didn't know what he wanted me to answer. My lips were tingling. My tongue felt abandoned, sort of like when you accidently swallow a bubble gum too soon that you haven't chewed on enough. His hand felt heavy on my shoulders. It smelled and tasted tobacco and salvia. The sun was gawking at our faces. It was hot and I wished that I had sunglasses. When he chuckled, I looked away. It got too much for me. He released my shoulders and I leaned back on the backrest. Slowly, I felt my body slumming sideways to rest my head on his shoulder.

"You were brave." Pip said and I just wanted him to shut up but I would never tell him that. "You're not offended, are you?" he asked, and tried to get a glimpse of me, but he put his hand on my head instead, patting it. "No. Just confused." I answered. It was a ridiculous answer. I closed my eyes, but it wouldn't make the sun fade or disappear. I could still feel it. I could still hear the birds.

That was when me entire being unexpectedly got overthrown by a tsunami of melancholy. In one moment, I began to question everything. Why I was here and what I was doing here and how things had gone so far. Pip. Pip Bernadotte. Leader. Captain of the Wild Geese. French or Swedish. A soldier. A smoker. A lover. A killer.

Her words sang in my mind like an alarming battle song.

 _They kill for money. They fuck for fun._

I opened my eyes and thought back. He had barely reacted to what I told him about Jerry. To him it was nothing. Shortly after I told him about the tragedy he…

"You..." I whispered. I felt a breath of awareness leave my lungs and my head left his shoulder. I looked up at Pip, feeling dirty and harassed. "You seduced me." I said. I saw his mouth open, but I didn't want to hear another word from him. I stood up hastily from the lover seat, accidentally kicked over the teacup with cigarettes and stepped around him to snatch my book and then I started walking rapidly back to the hostel without a word.

It felt real this time. This time I wouldn't hesitate, I wouldn't stop and I wouldn't turn around and walk back to him and apologize. But my wrist got grabbed and I got pulled back. My body twirled around and crashed into his chest.

"What's the matter with you?" Pip asked me when we were on conversation level again. "Let me go." I said and pulled my hand back but his grip was solid. "You're terrified of me, but out of the wrong reasons." Pip said and was quick to grab onto both of my arms. He shook me until I glared up at him.

"I would never hurt you. You know that Lydia, but you're a coward. You ruin everything with your insecure and depressive schoolgirl behavior." he said.

"I might be insecure, depressive or whatever you think of me, Pip. But I will not be one of your prostitutes." I said, my words almost burning in my mouth and it was like his face got cleaned off with emotions. His hands released me, like he wasn't sure why he was touching me in the first place. I stood still for a while. I wanted him to let go of me this entire time, but when he did just that, things felt bewildering. I came to my senses and I realized what I just said.

I had basically told Pip that he was a manwhore. Yet, I knew nothing about him. I had no right. My mouth turned into an "o" underneath his stare.

"Forgive me Pip." I told him. When he doesn't answer me, I walked straight back into his firm body in the middle of the field, nestling my face in his red scarf. "I don't know why I said that." I said.

"I do." Pip said without returning my touch. "You wanted to put an end to this because you're certain that I will leave you; so you just gave me a good reason to get it over with." he said, and I didn't like how right he was. Pip must've been dealing with all kinds of females and people in general to know all this so well. Or he was just simply clever.

"At one point, we must say goodbye. But I don't know why you're in such a hurry."

Those words were enough to give me the broken heart I had expected. That information only made everything worse. But when I felt his hands on my back, all I did was hug him tight, not having any intentions of letting go. Then I said: "If you'll say goodbye to me, do it now." Pip's hands froze. "Why so soon?" he asked.

"Because I hate waiting." I said.

It got silent again, but the birds were still talking about us.

"We should go back inside." he finally said and parted from me. He was looking down at me with a smile that made more harm than good. "Yes." I agreed in defeat, hearing my voice crack in that one word. He took my hand and we began walking slowly back to the boarding house, like nothing of this had happened.

If someone saw us together like that, they would have thought that we just had been enjoying a stroll together in the sun.

I think that was what we wanted to fool ourselves with too. Only the birds knew the truth.

* * *

"Just because it's a theory doesn't mean that it's true. It's ridiculous." Dorothy said.

"You should give it a chance! At least it's believable and logical." Leif argued kindly, but my feisty friend didn't care one bit credibility and logic. "GARN!" she exclaimed and made me look up slightly amused. I had realized one thing about Leif, and that was that him as a phenomenon was scarier than the real thing. The most entertaining part of our days at the boarding house was when he and Dorothy got into arguments like this one; cartoon theories.

Felicia and I were playing a game with cards next to them in the lounge after lunch. "Logical…" Dorothy smirked, mocking Leif's statement. It was nice to see her back as her regular self again. She was so over Jerry that she could almost walk over to him and flick his nose.

"You can come up with theories about everything really." Leif assured. He put his hands on the table in almost a fatherly manner, like he was about to talk some sense into Dorothy. But I don't even think Doctor Phil was capable of that. Felicia suddenly saw something over my head and glanced at me and then Dorothy. "Don't look now, but _he's_ here…" she mumbled, and we all knew what me meant except Leif, who's head swung around. "Oh, Jerry?" he nearly shouted and we all stared him down with harsh hushes. Luckily enough, Jerry hadn't heard Leif and went about his business at the bar as usual.

"There he goes, ordering his vodka with red bull…" Dorothy said, eyeing him over the lounge. "Like a fifteen-year-old with fake ID." Felicia added, and even Leif joined in laughing with us. When Jerry turned his head, we all fell silent again. I didn't think Leif got any idea what this was all about, but he just tagged along, happy to be in our company. That was one of my favourite kind of people because they reminded me of myself.

Then suddenly, I saw Pip walking rapidly across the lounge, without noticing me and sat down next to Jerry. Dorothy elbowed me. "What do you say, Lydia? Tom just joined Jerry. Another vodka with red bull?" she asked me and I shook my head, not having any idea. Seeing him here was unusual enough.

"Well it's not cognac." I told her, remembering that he told me it was incomparable with any other cognac from France. "Maybe apple juice." Leif said, and he made me laugh out loud for no sensible reason. Felicia and Dorothy joined in laughing too, and then Leif laughed because we laughed at what he said and that had us all laughing like a small group of drunks. Our outbursts made both Pip and Jerry turn around to look at us.

It was good. It was nice to show Jerry that Dorothy, my girl, managed without him. I didn't know what was going through Pip's mind. I was too shy to look at him in the state I was. In public. Exposed. I had French kissed Pip. He had been making out with me on a bench a few hundred meters away from there. I wondered if he was thinking about this too.

"Oh no, I need a straw." Felicia suddenly complained when noticing she he didn't get a straw attached to her cartoon of chocolate milk. Stupid chocolate milk. We all glared at the bar nervously, except Leif who was enjoying his beer slowly, like it was his last. Pip and Jerry had turned away to mind their own business, but that didn't make things any less difficult. Someone had to go there. For Felicia, and her odd choice in drinks. Because knowing her, she would never dare to do that herself.

"I can go." Leif suggested, but the idea of that seemed risky so without another thought, I stood up. "No, I can do it." I offered spontaneously, and it was too late for any regrets. "Don't be daft." Dorothy warned me with a cheerfull grin as I walked off.

And then I found myself standing on the other side of Pip away from where Jerry is sitting.

"I need a straw. We didn't get one attached to the chocolate. Can I have one, please?" I aked the bartender. I suddenly felt that this was a very embarrassing thing to ask of him, and both soldiers turned their head to look at me like I just had spoken to them. "It's for a friend." I said to make myself appear less foolish. Although it was Felicia's matter so I had every right to blame her for it.

The young bartender nodded at me with a smile, giving me a striped colourful straw from somewhere underneath the desk. "There. Would there be anything else, for you perhaps?" he asked politely. His eyes glanced over Pip then and I wondered why until I realized that I had had my hand on his upper arm this entire time, but I didn't look at him. Despite sitting on the bar stool he was still a bit taller, but closer to my own height. Perhaps it was our similar heights that gave me confidence to touch him so casually. Back to the question then.

I didn't know what got over me. "One cognac please" I asked and put an old bill on the counter that I had been carrying around for days without spending. I didn't know how much you pay for a cognac (I had never bought one myself before) but just to be safe and get rid of it all, I said: "Keep the change."

I heard Pip chuckle that genuine chuckle straight from his stomach, like he knew exactly what I was on about. The bartender had taken my payment and put the half filled glass in front of me shortly after. I tried to hide my mischievous smile as I gently pushed the brandy glass aside until it was right in front of him

"Shouldn't it be the other way around?" Pip asked. I dared to look at him, feeling like this was the most wicked thing I had ever done to anyone and smiled when we made eye-contact. Jerry was watching the two of us the whole time. Pip's gloved hand was already gripping onto the small cupule glass but I wasn't sure if he would actually drink it. I wouldn't be offended if he refused. I knew he did not fancy their cognac. I payed for the laugh of it. I payed for my own satisfaction. He returned my smile, visually entertained by my action.

"Or perhaps you fancy the idea of drinking me under the bar desk?" he wondered and I played with Felicia's straw in my hands. I would normally be flustered, but now I just felt calm as a cucumber. All of the sudden I felt more and more comfortable with Pip, even with people around. Pip must've felt this too because his eye was filled with fascination and curiosity at the girl who now stood before him. It took me a while to come up with my exemplary answer.

"Yes because Captain Bernadotte would need to be drunk to ever want to kiss me again." I said.

I think it was our last conversation in the grass field.

 _"At one point, we must say goodbye. But I don't know why you're in such a hurry."_

That must've been it. A goodbye could happen anywhere anytime, so the only way to keep the small fire alive was to capture the right moments and to say whatever you felt like, without holding back. After Pip listened to my words, and certainly heard them, I saw his toothy grin close to a smirk. It meant that he was thinking about something to say, or decided to remain silent. In the blink of an eye, I was back to my old self again and I could predict a blush coming.

That was it for me. Felicia wanted to drink her chocolate milk and I kept her waiting. My eyes escaped our eye contact and I cleared my throat. When I walked away, I felt many things. I felt confident, funny, brave and only a small bit regretful, like I had said and done the stupidest thing. I even felt the slightest bit irritated, but that was only because the swine beside Pip had been glaring and listening to our entire conversation.

I knew he would remember it.


	9. Caregiver

_[The name of my **OC** is **Lydia Romanoff** and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I had gotten sick. After the incident in the lounge I had gotten a headache that turned into migraine, and I had been staying in my room, feeling nauseous for more than three days. On a weekend, I lay in bed in the middle of the day with horrid memories of throwing up the previous night. The sun was shining on the other side of the window, mocking me. My headache was gone, yet going to the dining room for dinner did not seem like a wise thing to do.

When I heard knocking on the door, it felt like my entire body bolted with energy. Dorothy and Felicia had been taking care of me while I was sick, visiting me every day. I left the bed on wobbly legs, ready to open the door. But it opened by itself before I could reach it. To my surprise, none other than Pip stepped into my little room and was careful to close the door after him.

"It took me a while, but after some deeper research I found out your room number." he explained without bothering to greet me first. I could heard the smug smile on his face, and when he turned away from the door and looked down at me, it was right there. It felt surreal, like I was dreaming. But there he was. Pip Bernadotte, in full uniform and all. Only his hat was missing. The only thing on me was my nightgown.

"I'm sick." I said. It was supposed to be a warning, but it came out as a pitiful, attention-seeking whine. The bolting energy had mysteriously disappeared at the sight of Pip, and I felt weaker in the knees than moments ago, when all I had expected was Felicia and Dorothy to come and leave me some snacks. I suddenly felt an enormous need of affection.

"So I've heard." Pip said in a kind mutter and stepped towards me, his heeled boots stomping on the floorboards of my room. I was barefoot. Pip removed both of his gloves and pressed them in the pocket of his trousers. He put a firm palm on my forehead and caressed my cheek with the other. His skin felt refreshing and healthy, almost cold. I leaned into his touch.

"You're boiling." he muttered, the hand on my forehead stroking back my hair, exposing my face to let it breathe. His large thumbs swished across my cheekbones underneath my eyes. "Let's put you underneath covers." he said. Before I could protest, one of Pip's arms swinged around my bare legs and he cupped me up like I was filled with nothing but air. My arms automatically reached around his neck and I had a hard time releasing him when he got me underneath him on the mattress.

"Stay with me." I said to him, not liking being back in the (still warm) bed where I had been sweating buckets all by myself for what felt like eternity. My hands were clasped behind his neck, holding onto each other for dear life and my eyes were begging him to not leave. His large hands were placed on either side of my head, resting on the pillow near my face and I could feel the warmth of his breath that told me that he must've had a cigarette before his visit. He couldn't fool me.

"Anything for buying me a ghastly glass of cognac for your coin bank money." he smirked and put our foreheads together. "You're burning up." he said.

"It got worse when you got here." I whispered. Everything had suddenly turned so corny and sickening sweet, but I saw no point in not playing along. At least I was being honest with the man. Pip was laughing. I could hear it and feel it at the same time. "Your beds are ridiculously small." he commented, moving me gently to the wall. I submitted to him and released his neck as he tried his best to make himself comfortable next to me. We both had to lay on our sides so we both could fit.

We lay there looking at each other silently for a moment. The room was quiet and the entire floor felt abandoned since everyone was gone to eat dinner by now.

"Lydia. What went through your mind then?" he asked me, and it took a small amount of time for me to understand that he meant the incident with Felicia's straw where I ordered him a cognac. "I just saw a chance and I took it I guess. Do you think I was being silly?" I asked him and he shook his head and showed his teeth in a side smirk. "No but Jerry can't shut up about it. I think it was brilliant too, but don't waste your money on me again, Lydia. You understand?"

It wasn't a question and I nodded my head shyly. The fact that Jerry had talked about me made me feel uneasy, but I didn't want Pip to know that. Last time we spoke of him made things messy, so I tried to think of something else to talk about.

"I puked." I told him in all this embarrassment. "Last night."

It almost sounded like I told him this as an excuse for my past action in the lounge. It was odd.

"Poor darling." Pip said and chuckled softly, one of his hand grabbing mine as he maintained our eye contact. I thought even Pip would be grossed out by these news, I know most people would, but instead he almost felt thrilled by them. "You can go through do this ordeal Lydia. I know you can. You can be brave, right? Like a little soldier..." he reassured, holding my hand tightly. I nodded again, and moved closer to him. Our foreheads touched again. I had gotten so accustomed to the smell of tobacco on him that I started to like it.

"I am not the slightest drunk now." he informed and adjusted my face with one hand and before I could answer, he guided my lips to his and started off by pecking them softly. "You'll get sick." I said. It sounded more like a warning this time.

"I'll survive anything." he replied, parting his lips over mine, long fingers spreading over my warm cheek. Kissing him wasn't as foreign and scary as it was the first time on the field of grass, perhaps because this time it didn't involve tongue. Maybe it was because we were in a safer place indoors. Or because he was being more patient now. More careful. More gentle.

Then, I felt his lips turn up into a smile. A chuckle rumbled somewhere inside his throat. I got distracted, and pulled away.

"What is it?" I asked him, slightly afraid that I had done something wrong. "It's silly, really…" he answered, looking down at my lips. He swallowed, and looked into my eyes.

"I wish you were portable; so that I can bring you with me wherever I go. It would be nice having someone. Especially in those five to ten minutes when the field falls silent from gunshots and shouting." he murmured, almost like he was talking in his sleep. His hand was cupped over the side of my face that weren't facing the pillow.

I reached up to his face then as well and I touched his chin. It could be seen that he had shaved but I felt some stubs of hair that already stubbornly wanted to grow out. His skin was much older than mine, but just as his hair he had managed to look after it. He was beautiful, Pip. A very, very beautiful man. When my thumb nudges past his bottom lip, I activated another smile.

"I don't know how I would feel laying in a muddy trench in this condition." I told him in honesty, but even so with a considering tone. I felt my fever eating at me.

"Me neither." Pip said, and just when I was about to ask him what he meant, his one visible eye closed and his head made itself comfortable next to mine on the pillow. My thumb nudged his bottom lip another time, but this time his lips didn't move.

* * *

Pip was nowhere to be seen when I woke up. He had vanished together with my hot-headedness. It was like he had taken it with him. He replaced it with an empty package of cigarettes, in fact the very same cigarettes that we got for him that one day. Maybe it was his way of telling me that he was on his way to get new ones, without me.

I grabbed the small box. It felt unfamiliar and weird in my hand. I opened the package and smelled the inside of it, which smell reminded me of him so much that I knew that I would have a hard time getting rid of it. I closed the little package, as in capsuling in the scent and put it in my drawer.

It was like Pip had never been here at all. If it weren't for the tobacco package, I might as well have thought this was all a dream. But knowing it wasn't, I started to feel paranoid and pathetic. I already missed him. It felt weird being alone in my room for so long.

After cleaning myself up in the bathroom and put on my school uniform, I collided with Dorothy on my way out. I was forever bound to this room it seemed, because she wouldn't let me go out.

"Nice to see you look more alive!" she said with a grin and embraced me. She was quick to close and lock the door behind her before turning to me seriously. "I have news for you." she said and it made me slightly nervous. We sat down on my bed. "Felicia and Javier is having an affair." she told me then and I gaped. "But Javier is..."

"Neither of them care about his marriage." she deadpanned. She leaned in towards me, whispering: "I saw them kissing outside her room."

I just continued on with my wide-eyed glaring, not having anything to say. But Dorothy seemed pleased with my reaction. She gave me a mischievous smile.

"Don't tell anyone." she said, grabbing my arm. I shook my head, my eyes finally going back to normal.

"I would've brought you something to eat, but I figured that it would be nice for you to get some air change." she said. She smiled and stood up, and I allowed her to escort me out. I felt like a freed prisoner.

"All that crying for nothing…" Dorothy said, and sighed while we were on our way to the dining room. "I wonder if she even will have any time for us now. Felicia can be slightly..."

"Good evening, Dorothy." Dorothy got interrupted and I turned around to see who it was, even though I wasn't the person being greeted, and I did it before Dorothy herself. If I could, I would've told her not to turn around, but she already did, and she could see with her very own eyes that Jerry had been following us.

Dorothy stared at Jerry without saying a single word. Previously, she had been so talkative, but now she was quiet like a mouse. Expressionless. Pale. But full of pride. I instinctively grabbed her hand. Her fingers grasped around mine tightly.

"Our teacher in charge has informed us that our groups are not allowed to keep conversation." I told him, taking a small step towards him only to shield Dorothy a little. Jerry's hazel eyes darted at me and he let out a guffaw, like I had said something completely hilarious. "Except you I suppose, who flirted with Captain in the lounge - Offering him drinks like a professional prostitute." he slurred at me, and I cursed my lips, feeling myself get overwhelmed with shame.

It happened so quickly.

I remember holding her hand very tightly, like that was the only thing that mattered, but then our contact broke, just like Jerry had ripped them apart with his words. My hand got abandoned, and then I saw Dorothy flung herself at him.

I saw the blue bow following her head like a warning flag, and her layers of clothes moved around her body like a maiden dancing a waltz. But that wasn't a dance. She was hitting him. Her fingers were clawing at his chest and she was cursing like a pirate. Jerry had gotten so overthrown that he stumbled back and fell on the floor with Dorothy straddling him.

That was when I realized that I had to do something.

I tried to grab Dorothy but she hit my face unintentionally while beating Jerry and I needed a moment to recover from the aching pain my nose had to suffer through. It was a fine hit, but I didn't have time to think about myself right now.

"PROSTITUTE?! Who's the prostitute here!?" she screamed at him. "You're the one whoring around!"

Jerry had started to understand the situation and began re-covering. He grabbed her wrists and her hitting stopped in a second. I leaned down to try and pull her back on her feet once again, but Jerry rolled around so he was the one towering over her.

That was all it took for me to start hitting him too. His back was flexed with muscles and it felt like hitting the back of a firm leather sofa, but I wouldn't stop until he released Dorothy. She screamed and kicked him between his legs and he rolled over to the side, while doing that, he grabbed a handful of her hair with him. The blue ribbon got ripped off.

Just when I manageged to keep them apart and we all were down on the floor like idiots, a group of men were running towards us asking:

"What's happening here?"

"What are you doing man?"

"Whatever did they do to you?"

"How dare you treat women like this?!"

But above this choir of voices, one of them stood out from the rest.

"What in the bloody hell has gotten into you?!" And I knew that voice.

When Pip arrived shortly after the group, the people parted like the red sea for him as he stormed past them and glared daggers down at Jerry who was still grabbing onto his crotch in agony. His sharp blue orb scanned the scene before him, and Dorothy and I must've shared the exact same instinct about crawling away and hide from the situation, but of course it was too late now. The captain only had one eye, but he wasn't blind.

He saw Dorothy first, after his man Jerry. Dorothy and her tangled mess of hair, and he must fit two and two together then, since she and Jerry had a shared backstory. But it was when he saw me that his brow furrowed in anger and raw misunderstanding. His gaze darted back to the bald soldier.

"Ah, stop whining and get your ass up from there!" he grabbed Jerry by the collar of his uniform and pulled him roughly up on his two feet. But as soon as he was standing, he kicked his stomach so he fell back down on the floor again. If I hadn't moved closer to Dorothy seconds ago, his body would have crushed me.

Pip's sudden anger was a bit strange, but it felt so good seeing Jerry get beaten again after what he had done to Dorothy, so neither of us had time to mind his rage.

After sending the rest of his men away and two of them were kind enough to help Dorothy get back on her feet, Pip had dragged me into the nearest corner where we could talk in private.

"You're hurt." he said, and I frowned. If he should worry about anyone, it should have been Dorothy. When he saw the confusion on my face, he removed the glove from his hand and touched me underneath my nose gently with his big index finger only to show me the blood that was running from it. I was bleeding from my nose. It was Dorothy's fault. No wonder Pip had gotten so angry with Jerry. He must've though he was the one behind it, which was sort of true.

"I'm fine." I said. I touched my forehead. "I think my fever is getting back though." I mumbled, feeling my head spin. Pip let out a high, frustrated sigh, putting his glove back on his hand that still had my blood on it. He shook his head.

"Let me take you to my room. A little environmental difference, at least." he said bitterly, putting his arm around my shoulders. "You've been through enough for these past days." he said.

"Did you get new cigarettes?" I asked curiously.

He didn't answer.

* * *

Pip sat in front of me, cleaning up my nose like a parent would clean up snot from their child. I sat on his bed whilst he was seated on a footstool.

"He called me a prostitute." I said meekly. Pip's gaze only thrifted past me, but I knew my words sank into his brain. I looked away. " _Your_ prostitute. He said I was flirting with you. Did you see that as flirting, Pip?" I asked, worried that the two men shared the same mindset.

He stood up, rejected my question and walked away with the bloodstained tissues to get rid of them. When he came back, he rejected the footstool and sat down on the mattress beside me instead. I brought my legs up and sat in a cross legged position.

"Then he… pulled Dorothy's hair. I tried to hit his back but he wouldn't budge at all. Dorothy kicked him, and then..."

"You're no prostitute, Lydia." he said. His words left a bittersweet silence in the air. He looked at me. "You're no prostitute." he repeated, adjusting the covers over my crossed legs. "Not as long as I'm around." he said and leaned down a bit, but he wouldn't come any closer than that.

"You should get some rest. Don't think about anything that happened moments ago. It's not important." he whispered. His voice was a pitch darker than usual.

"You're not going to shoot him, Pip, will you?" I asked him, almost laughing at the raw thought. Pip looked unbothered, almost like he was considering it in secret.

"I might want to shoot something, but maybe not a person." he said with a weak smile. His color palette appeared almost golden in the lamp light. He had long dimples on the sides of his wide mouth. Dimples on men are usually only visible when their face is clean-shaven like Pip's. If he turned his head, I would have seen his pointed nose, which shape resembled nobility.

If I wasn't mistaken, his eye color changed almost constantly between blue and green; but it was always bright. If one looked carefully, one would be allured by the fine shape of it and drawn into the length of his eyelashes where hairs from his fringe were tangled in, but it never disturbed him. Even though he only had one eye to see with. His jaw line almost looked artificial and his strong neck muscles were hidden underneath the red scarf. The sleeves of his jacket were always rolled up around his sharp elbows.

His hands, soothing and deadly at the same time.

"I love you." I blurted out in a haze of infatuation.

Pip cupped my left cheek with one big, warm palm.

"Get some rest now." he said in the most humble order one could get from a mercenary captain.

It wasn't until he had left the suite that every atom of my being got filled with regret.

Maybe it was the fever.

Maybe I was just really, really hungry.

Or maybe. Just maybe.

I was really in love with him.


	10. Hero

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"Oh, she's awake!" Pip stood by the side of the bed with a large paper bag, looking down at me with a grin. "I thought you must be hungry." he said a bit bashfully and I sat up with an aware grin. I recognized that paper bag.

"You brought me McDonald's?" I asked, not being able to hide away an amused giggle. Pip let out a sigh of defeat. "Yes." he said in a manner that he was admitting it. "Yes, yes I did. I was on the road and I got you a happy meal." he said and sat down on the bed.

"You got me a happy meal?" I asked, barely having the heart to remain silent and not laugh. "I didn't know how hungry you were." he defended. "I've seen a lot in my days and I'm aware that some people won't eat at all when they're sick; the food won't stuck." he said.

"But a happy meal will do just fine, Pip." I assured with a huge smile and accepted the bag from him. I knew the girls would be so jealous. We had lived on the same boarding house food for months and months now.

"Have you recovered from before?" he asked. The happy meal box lay within the larger paper bag which had left room for something else that wasn't there. I supposed Pip had gotten something for himself and ate in on the road. The food chain lay a bit far off from the boarding house, but I didn't mind if the food had gotten cold. Anything would do.

"Yes, thank you." I said, almost having forgotten the incident with Dorothy and Jerry. "My nose only hurt when I sniff or wrinkle it." I told him, and do both of those things at the same time; my nose making a noise that sounded like a drowned flute when I sniffed. It made Pip chuckle and shake his head.

"Hold on..." I said, realizing something after taking out the cheese burger from the box. "What time is it?" I asked, looking around the dim room. "Past midnight." he said and suddenly reached out a hand to touch my hair.

"Your ribbon is coming off, may I?" he asked me and I nodded, noticing that both of his hands were bare while I began unwrapping my food. "Oh, hang on a minute." Pip laughed and brought my head down carefully to get more access to my hair. I laughed as I still was working to get the burger out of its wrapper and Pip had a matter of his own to sort out.

"If Dorothy's still up she must be terrible worried for me. It feels like I've been sleeping through the entire day... I could never fall asleep again, so it appears an early morning is put out for me." I talked in muffles with my face down in my lap.

"Welcome to my life. Things cannot be the same when there is a war going on. War makes early rises for us all." Pip said. I felt something rip in my scalp and I flinched back a little in pain.

"You got a pair of crafty hands there, don't you?" I asked the captain who now caressed my scalp gently in sympathy for me. "It's alright." I giggled. "I'm just not made of the same stuff like you." I said, admitting my own sensibilities.

"Yes. Which is why I am astonished." Pip said.

"It is terrible, but sometimes I forget that the people around me can feel these sorts of things. War has a way of distinguishing between the things that matter and the things that don't." he admitted to himself. I felt the ribbon depart from my hair.

"I'm sorry." he said, and when I no longer felt his hands on me, I sat back up again. Pip had begun rolling the ribbon into a small bun.

"People say men like us don't feel anything and it looks like there's a touch o' truth to that rumour." he mumbled, watching my reaction carefully. I didn't really like the sound of that, especially after what I told him before he left me hours ago. I had said that I loved him, and he implied that he didn't feel it; that he didn't feel anything.

I pretended that I didn't hear him and took the first bite of my food.

"I'm sorry that was a low shot." Pip apologized to me again. "I thought we had crossed the great divide quite successfully."

He put his hand on my knee that was hiding underneath the covers.

"You always make everything so black and white." I told him after swallowing my first chew.

"Well I tend to be slightly old fashioned to let you know." Pip replied with a smile and leaned over me slightly to put the ribbon on the nightstand next to me. With the declaration of the removed ribbon in my hair, I shook my hair out of my face, wanting it to stay behind me when I was chewing.

Pip looked curiously at me while I was eating. He was still wearing his boots and full uniform, sitting with his bare forearms resting on his separated legs, not minding his posture one bit. He looked very comfortable. The slouch hat was missing, but the braid was swirled around his neck as usual, and I was always amazed at how he managed to keep it that way.

"You seem to enjoy gawking at people when they're eating." I said, feeling self-conscious. I wouldn't tell him, but I hated that sort of thing. Pip looked more serious than I expected him to.

"I enjoy gawking at beautiful people." he said tenderly. I just couldn't take another bite from the burger then, not after he had said that. I put it to rest on the paper in front of me.

"You're quite good at burying your emotions, you and your men. Much better than we are, anyway." I said to him, going back to our previous subject.

"You're right. But we do have emotions, and don't make the mistake of thinking we don't." he said seriously, but later on giving me a toothed smile. "Do you ask this because I implied that I find you beautiful? I could say it again if you'd like..."

I shook my head no, feeling a blush coming. I turned my attention back to my happy meal, and discovered a pleasant surprise in the bottom of the cartoon.

"I've gotten a toy." I said happily, taking out a Smurf figure wrapped in plastic and opened it instantly. I nearly gasped in recognition of the only female character and stared at Pip in amazement.

"I got Smurfette. What are the odds?" I asked him and showed him the plastic figure.

Pip glanced down at Smurfette, looking disappointingly unimpressed.

"And here I was hoping for the homosexual smurf." he said.

"The homosexual smurf?" I couldn't repeat his words without laughing. It was too funny to ignore, but Pip was being quite serious about it even though he was smiling.

"Yes, what's he called again... The Vanity smurf? You know him? With the flower." he explained enthusiastically and I stared at him, holding Smurfette closely to me. We both were judging him now.

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know _him!_ " Pip said in surprise, almost like he was offended.

"I think I do, but..."

"He's holding a mirror like this" he said and pretended that he was holding an invisible mirror in his hand and I grinned widely at the scene. He could be such a harmless dork. "And he got a flower here." he lifted his arm to point at the right side of his skull. In the same moment, he tucked a few hair strands from his fringe behind the ear, exposing his alert teal eye.

And from there, I would remember that striking movement for the rest of my life. He grinned with his teeth and put out his index finger to me, like he was proving a point. "The homosexual smurf. Don't forget about him." he told me.

"But is it really fair calling him that?" I asked together with a modest chuckle at Pip's homosexual stereotypes and he shrugged, dropping his childish act with it.

"Well there must be someone who's gay among the smurfs, so it's either him or Papa Smurf."

Who knew Pip was such a fan of The Smurfs? It was a slightly old show, so he must've watched it in his childhood. I smiled at the thought of Pip as a little boy and looked down at Smurfette.

"You ought to keep that. Something to remind you of me." he then said, and the situation turned into a completely different one. My heart sunk in my chest in fret about what would happen in the future, but I still managed a smile, because I knew it would be easier to part with him with the little blue figure in my belonging.

"I don't need help to remember you." I told him with a smile, but I knew I would keep the toy forever.

Pip looked a bit taken a back, but even so he leaned in towards me, tilting his head to the side slightly. His large hand hooped around my waist and held me still in case I would escape. When I tilted my own head, it knocked on the door and we flinched away from each other. I thought I jumped a bit more than necessary; making the bed messier with the papers and food containers.

Being up so late in the night together with Pip made me believe that we were the only two people in the world, but apparently not. I looked around the room, as in trying to find a hiding place but Pip calmed me down with a gesture with his hand as he stood up.

"I think I know what it's about. Stay here." he said and walked over to the door quickly.

The conversation in the doorway was so short that the unfamiliar soldier didn''t even have time to notice me.

"A letter from the Polish ambassador."

"Thank you."

"Goodnight captain."

Pip closed the door and locked it, staring at the letter. He slummed against the wall and opened it up quickly, reading its content.

I tried to focus on my meal, not daring to disturb him. I glanced up at Pip every now and then but it was impossible to guess what the man was thinking. However, I was certain it wasn't smurfs. When Pip was done, he put the letter aside somewhere he would remember it and came backs to sit where he sat before.

"What's the matter?" I asked. The suspense was killing me.

"Do you remember that photo you took?" he asked me suddenly and I nodded.

"He was a Polish spy, trying to get inside information about my army's defence and equipment." he told me, and I got a bit puzzled even though I might have suspected him to be someone like that.

"Thanks to that picture, we now know what we're up against. Apparently, those people are not only a treat to us, but to the locals in Poland as well. They're killing their own and that's the sort of people that I hate the most." he said.

I didn't know if I should get involved with this or not. I didn't want to say something about something I knew nothing about, so I began picking my fries.

"You must promise me to look after yourself Lydia." he said and my heart stopped.

"What do you mean?" I asked, refusing the food again. Now for an entirely different reason than him being an audience.

"You deserve to know that I am astonished at your kindness and sometimes feel unworthy of it. I hope that you don't feel like I've been treating you unjustly."

"I don't know what you're on about." I said, denying wherever this were going and looked down at Smurfette again.

"Look at me Lydia." he asked. I shook my head.

"It wasn't a suggestion. Look at me." he said sharply and I faced him with tears stuck in his eyes.

"You're leaving." I said feebly.

"In two weeks, but it's only on short notice. And when that happens and I'm off, try not to miss me. See it as a test for what lays ahead later on." he said.

"But you'll come back, then? For how long will you be in Poland?" I asked hopefully.

"3 months." he said. It felt awfully long in the middle of a school term. It was almost an entire school term.

"But anything can happen during that time!" I cried out.

"Yes." he agreed calmly. "Perhaps you'll find yourself another fellow to buy you junk food." he chuckled half-heartedly.

"Don't you dare joke about this..." I warned him, hitting his shoulder. He barely budged and it made him laugh again.

"I'm being serious, Pip! Three months... Anything might happen to you in three months." I said.

Pip smiled at me and moved up his hand to the side of my face.

"Or in these two weeks." he mumbles softly. "Give me a kiss." he whispered, leaning in towards me again.

"You always want to kiss me when I'm upset." I realized shyly.

"I always want to kiss you."

Before Pip made our lips touch, I broke the kiss by pulling away from him callously. I couldn't kiss him then. I tried to find any solution in all of this. Some little escape hole that would change our destined paths, so that we wouldn't have to say goodbye. Not for real. Not for good.

Pip looked at me with a sigh and a disappointed glare. It was like he had given up on me merely because I had broken the kiss.

I thought everything through.

Pip would be gone in two weeks.

Then he would return after three months and everything would continue on as usual.

Which must explain why he was so calm about it all.

I sniffed and looked at him hopefully.

"But when you're done in Poland, we could-"

"We never talk much about life after war, Lydia. None of us do." he interrupted kindly, putting a hand on my shoulder, which I glanced at in confusion. Meanwhile, his eye glanced down at Smurfette like she had asked for his attention.

"I shouldn't create these memories for you. You're still so young." he said to himself.

"But I want to keep them." I told him, feeling myself cheer up a bit.

This talk about memories should make me mind my manners more. I didn't want him to remember me like a broken-hearted schoolgirl.

He looked at me, almost in amazement. I held Smurfette up for him to see.

""With this toy, I plight thee my troth as a symbol of all we have promised and all that we share." I said jokingly and grinned as hugely as I could, but I sensed tears lurking somewhere behind my words even though I made an effort to sound strong and encouraging.

"If this is a proposal, it seems rather hurried." he chuckled and untied the long braid around him so that it swung behind his back. His hands searched through his pockets until he had a cigarette and a lighter in his hand.

"Don't hate me now; I'm simply paying you the compliment of being honest. But we could never be properly married. You in a white dress and me looking like an idiot... I won't steal away your life. It will take a man who is more willing than I am to follow you."

I watched him burn the edge of the cigarette until he handed me the lighter and nodded towards his nightstand. I put it next to my hair band, never considering marrying Pip in the first place. I've never been a girl with a wedding dream.

A wicked, absolutely ridiculous idea entered my mind, and I was a fool for suggesting it out loud.

"I could come with you." I said, like it would be a pleasant journey to join him in Poland to kill Polish terrorists.

"Oh! You could come with me!" he repeated sarcastically in a loud, passive aggressive voice with a shake of his head. "I couldn't even speak of it to you without injuring you and betraying myself, and now you want to join me in that monstrosity."

I looked down in embarrassment. Of course he wouldn't agree with that.

"Stay with me then."

I knew it was a wasted shot.

"What is an army without a captain?" he asked without looking at me. I felt like I annoyed him more and more, the more I talked to him. Even to the point that he stood up from the bed. However, he stayed closed to me whilst having the cigarette in his mouth. He removed his jacket and began unbuttoning the shirt underneath his red scarf.

"Your friend, Dorothy." he suddenly said whilst continuing the removal of his shirt. "What about her?" I asked curiously.

"Stay close to her. She's direct and strong-minded. You'll need a person like that."

"Don't tell me this. I've known her for ten years. I already know she-" I suddenly felt a wave of nausea invade my insides, and I get the wary feeling of vomiting again.

I needed to cough, but I did it ever so carefully to avoid puking in his bed. That would be something for him to remember in Poland.

"Lydia?" he asked after having his scarf and shirt removed. He ended his short-lived cigarette on an ashtray on the windowsill and kneeled down next to the bed.

"You're still feeling ill, don't you?" he asked and I looked at him in confusion.

"I don't know what that was about. I felt normal moments ago but all this talk about war and marriage got me all whimsy."

"Then let's not talk about it anymore." he said and put a palm on my forehead, gesturing for me to lay back down again. I felt so pathetic. But perhaps my sickness covered up for my stubborn behaviour and spared me from saying or doing more stupid things.

"Who knows what you're thinking of me now?" I asked in a mumble.

"Are you asking me, or God?" Pip asked. He started fixing the covers on my body and removed the leftovers of my meal. Everything without Smurfette was put away.

"Anyone who listens." I answered. "I know Dorothy would. She must be upset with me for leaving her mysteriously again."

"You don't have to worry about her. Two of my men helped her gladly up on her feet and joined her in the dining room afterwards. I told her you were in safe hands."

I looked at him in delighted surprise.

"You spoke to Dorothy?" I asked. "What did she say to you?"

"Not much. Told me to not forget myself and not fuss with her and kick out Jerry to sleep in a tent in the woods." he said bluntly, almost in a slightly mortified manner and I couldn't help but grin.

"You're a rather fun duo, the two of you." he said.

"We're allies." I said with a silly seriousness in my voice. "But look at me now. I abandoned her again. In this state, I'm not wanted for active service. I'm jumping in and out of our army like a Jack in a the box."

"Well since I'm back in my own army soon, I'll be in uniform a lot of the time. Perhaps I could help with that." he said in an adult way of saying he wanted to play with us.

I glared at him, not at all considering this as a good idea or plan. We didn't want any cooties from a man.

"Besides" he added, grabbing the toy smurf. "you wouldn't have to worry about it anymore and I'll spare you the humiliation of being refused on medical grounds by taking your place."

"That'll come as a nasty shock to her. You daren't, Pip. Dorothy calls you weird names." I told him.

"Harsh words may cause harm, but a gentle answer calms rage." he said poetically with Smurfette in his hand.

"And do you really expect me to just stand by when the ladies from a fancy private school, and by all means yourself, goes to war?"

He then gave me a husky look, finding my hand in his other.

"If you give me consent, it will spare you the physical examination as well." he mumbled.

"I try not to be a hero, if that's what you're afraid of." he said when he saw my look, and smirked.

I was afraid of many things.

Pip being a hero was not amongst them.


	11. A spoonful of shame

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"He got you a happy meal? Well I suppose eyepatch isn't half as bad as I thought then. Not even Jerry got the idea of feeding me junk food past midnight when he had his shine to me." Dorothy said as we made our way towards the dining room for breakfast. We met up in the girls dormitory after I had sneaked away from Pip's room early in the morning.

"You're not upset that I left you then?" I asked her.

"Of course not. To be honest, I'm more upset that you didn't share your happy meal with me."

I laughed at her words and touched her arm apologetically.

"What happened after that? I mean after getting the letter from the ambassador?" she asked.

"We talked for a bit about it all, and then I fell ill again and Pip left me to rest. He had some matters in his office and I haven't seen him since." I said, remembering how exhausted I had felt all of the sudden and drifted off to sleep. Which might have been for the best, since our conversation wasn't a pleasant one.

"Well you don't have to wait for much longer." Dorothy said as we entered the dining room.

She was right. There he was. Sitting down at table near the middle of the room surrounded by his men whilst enjoying their morning cigarettes and coffee. It was strange. Everything was just as it should be. Nothing had changed. But I knew these two weeks would pass by way too quickly.

"I suppose we shouldn't risk it and sit down with them." Dorothy gave me a cautious look and I shook my head in agreement to that refusal.

"Not at all. We shouldn't draw attention to us that we can live without." I said.

If I only knew how right and wrong I was in that matter. We thought we were safe, both Dorothy and I, as we walked into the dining room like we normally did, only that we noticed that we were the only two from our school here.

Well except for one woman. And she didn't spare us the attention we avoided one bit.

"Knowles and Romanoff!" her voice shouted, like a queen from her throne in a chaotic castle hall.

She spotted us like two deer in front of a huge truck in the middle of the dining room, surrounded by the Wild Geese army. Her heels knocked on the wooden boards on the floor as she marched towards us like a furious Mary Poppins.

I think neither Dorothy and I had seen Miss Hepburn so angry before in our short lives. She had even managed to snatch all the gazes from the military men, including Pip who removed his cigarette from his lips and lifted his head towards us to inspect the situation. That was the last time I dared to sacrifice a glance at the man. He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't bother watching. If I could, I would make him look away. But it was too late now.

The mug of salt had already been dropped on the cake.

Miss Hepburn stood in front of us, and her gaze landed on me first. Without managing another thought, she rose her hand and slapped me across the face from my left side with her feeble palm. Then she did the exact same with Dorothy. She wasn't a big woman, but her hit was hard enough to cause pain.

All the chatter in the dining room died down. Even the staff stopped whatever they were occupied with to behold the situation.

"What in the world were you two thinking?!" she shouted at us both. Dorothy and I looked at each other and then back at her in shock.

"You got into a fight with a mercenary soldier? A grown-up man in uniform?" she asked us in disbelief; her brown and green eyes staring at us fiercely.

Of course Dorothy was the one to speak up first.

"What kind of difference does it make if he wear a uniform Miss? We're in uniforms as well!" she said, giving my skirt a gently tug. I heard a few men chuckle at Dorothy's reply, but Miss Hepburn didn't care one bit about that huge audience. She already had the bite between her teeth.

I don't think I've felt so humiliated in my entire life. My face and my ears were burning and my heart was beating in a strange speed in my chest. All I was grateful for was that my fever had gone away. But if I wasn't careful with myself, I would certainly pass out at any second.

"Don't give any of your cheek to me Miss Knowles." she warned Dorothy with a stare that could scare away wolves. "You already took it though..." Dorothy muttered back, holding the side of her face that got slapped. I could still feel the pain too.

"Whatever gave you two the right to jump onto a solitary man like that?" she asked, gambling her stare between the two of us.

"I'm sorry Miss, but you make him sound like a victim." I said to Miss Hepburn in the most sensible manner I could, and her frown loosened a bit. But what she said next was still way too offending to be ignored.

"Perhaps that could be the situation. You were two ganging up on one person after all."

"I'm sorry again Miss Hepburn." I raised my voice at her, earning her attention back. "When he held Dorothy down, it was like beating a Persian carpet with a fly smacker. How can you make victim of such a person?" I asked her and I saw her brows furrow in confusion at the paradox I just had used, but I didn't have much else to compare it to and I earned a few chuckles from the men. But I didn't dare to look at Pip. Not after just being hit in the face by the hand of my teacher.

"So you do admit to beating the man?" Miss Hepburn asked me.

Dorothy stepped back in then.

"But she wouldn't have done it unless I had taken him down on the floor!" she said innocently and to our utter amazement, the soldiers in the dining room began cheering and clapping their hands like excited men watching a burlesque show.

But when Miss Hepburn scanned the crowd of men around us, even their loud and savage voices died down. I always liked Miss Hepburn. But when she got angry, I didn't want anything to do with her.

"I always knew this mix was a bad one." she said whilst glancing around at the mercenaries. She took a deep breath and calmed herself down. I was quite certain she counted to ten in her mind.

"Dorothy and Lydia." she said, now using our first names. "I only want the best for the two of you. I've been worried. And now after all this worry, I got angry. Let us speak another time when it's more suited." One could hear how much she tried to not sound upset when she spoke, but there was still some anger trapped in her eyes.

"Today we have a trip planned to the local Zoo. The two of you would've known this if you were to be found yesterday…" she said, eyeing us both and we looked down at our feet awkwardly.

"You have a 15 minutes to finish your breakfast, and then we shall depart. Be ready by then." she said, mostly to Dorothy, then she looked at me.

"Unfortunately, Lydia. I did not sign you up for this trip since you've been in sickness and I wasn't sure if you'd be able to join us." Miss Hepburn said.

I blinked at that information. I never knew anything about a Zoo in the first place, so I didn't really mind not going.

"It's alright." I said.

"No it's not!" Dorothy protested. "If she won't come with, I won't either!" she said, sounding stubborn. Miss Hepburn sighed, still looking at me. "If your really want to join us we could rent a cab. I'm afraid the buses are full." she told me, but I didn't want to be any more trouble for Miss Hepburn so I kindly refused.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I must go. I hope you won't get yourself in trouble during these 15 minutes. I'll keep my eyes on the two of you." she said and exited the dining room.

Dorothy and I stood awkwardly in the middle of the dining room. Ever so slowly, the men began talking again, but I was quite sure that most of them still had their ears and eyes open in case we would offer more entertainment for them. We began walking towards the buffet slowly. Some of the men were still watching us shamelessly.

"Shut up Lydia. You're going to the Zoo with me." Dorothy decided. "We won't let her ruin our fun just because we gave Jerry what he deserved." she said, and I noticed some of the men smirking at the mention of him. He was nowhere to be seen.

"I don't care much for any Zoo today, Dory." I told her. "And I don't want to arrive in a cab by myself, that would be awkward."

"Fine." Dorothy said, and halted. She had to do it near Pip's table too, so he could hear everything we were saying.

"If you don't care about any Zoo then I won't either." she said victoriously. "Don't be silly, you're already signed up so Miss Hepburn expect you to. But I'm a lost cause since she never counted me in, in the first place." I said and continued walking, but I needed to stop and turn around because she was too stubborn to move out of her spot.

"Again: fine..." she said with a smirk. I wondered what she was on about, until her eyes traveled to where Pip was sitting.

No.

"What do _you_ think?" she asked him.

"Don't involve him!" I shouted at her and Dorothy grinned. "It's just a question."

I shot my eyes at Pip, who looked amused at the scene behind his morning coffee.

"Don't answer her." I told him. The men around us turned their heads with foolish smiles on their faces. Before any more awkwardness happened, I made sure it wouldn't.

"Dorothy, come on. You can manage another day without me." I told her and pulled her arm. She rolled her eyes and dragged after me to the buffet.

"I suppose. What's a Zoo really, in comparison to this place? You got Tarzan looking after you."

* * *

"If I only knew she would've hurt you, I would've let her slap me instead." Pip said and breathed out a portion of smoke in the air. We watched the horizon of forest once again from the bench.

"I can't believe Dorothy tried to convince you to make me come with her to the Zoo. That was embarrassing." I said, sitting cross-legged on the bench with my shoes removed on the grass.

"You got awfully odd priorities when it comes to concerns." he chuckled and looked at me. "You'd rather have a slap in the face than your friend lurking an opinion from an old man like me. How sweet isn't that?" he asked with a smile

"It's a sensitive matter." I told him. "And with all your men looking… What must they think of us?" I asked and shook my head with a sigh. Pip's heavy arm fell over my both shoulders, his large hand grabbing my upper arm from the other side of me from where he's sitting.

"That I'm lucky as hell." he said proudly.

"Then what about me?" I asked, looking up at his profile.

"Less lucky. Your teacher shouldn't have been so harsh on you. You would've learned your lesson with the scolding only. There was no need for her hand." he said.

"But there's need for yours." I said unthinkingly, capturing his hand that was caressing my arm.

"Of course, you can always have my hand." he said and leaned down to snuggle his nose into the side of my face. "I love how I always manage to put color on your face without doing much." he whispered, and I giggled bashfully.

"At least you don't have to force it out with violence." I said, and Pip looked at me thoughtfully, almost with pity.

"I hate to hear you talk like that." he said.

"I'm sorry Pip. I'm just embarrassed." I said, tucking a loose hair behind my ear.

"It is for me to feel embarrassed. I was one second from standing up from my chair if she hadn't made your punishment mutual. I suppose the strike Dorothy got, distracted me from doing something completely tactless." Pip said.

I looked at him, wondering.

"Would you have-" I stopped myself, not knowing how to fill in that sentence.

"I don't even know myself what I would've done." he admitted. "Perhaps pull you away from the situation and run out here with you. I'll consider it next time, if something similar happens." he said, and not at all in a joking manner.

"Would you do that for me?" I asked, feeling myself gape a little.

It was hard to know exactly what went through his mind back then when he was just one of the people in the crowd.

"I would do anything for you Lydia."

One would think that might've been a very bold thing to say in such a complex and messy situation like this. But Pip never misused his own words. He was always sincere.

A wind blew past us, and I found myself snuggling closer to him. The sky was grey and cloudy, like there would be rain soon.

"How will you spend your day now, when you got spared from a day in the Zoo?" he asked me.

"I was hoping you'd let me know." I smiled up at him, and he looked down at me tenderly.

"I'll be practicing shooting this evening. But until then, and after, I'm all yours."

My smile faded a bit when I saw how he looked at me with so much affection.

"Can I kiss you Pip?" I asked suddenly. It all came out in a dramatic whisper, and to my surprise, the captain looked more blissful than amazed.

"Of course you can." he said calmly.

I almost regretted my question when he looked down at me attentively, leaving it all up to me alone. I glanced down at his mouth before tipping my head to the side and leaned up towards him carefully, almost cowardly.

Pip sat completely still, and I got the impression that he was pulling further and further away from me but I got proven wrong when I felt the curve of my lips nudge his. Even when I pouted my lips, I didn't get any response from him, but I remained for a while before I was half satisfied and move away.

It was a gutless peck that a ten-year-old would give their sweetheart.

"What was that about? Didn't you want it?" I asked him, slightly offended. But Pip appeared to be more satisfied with that little action than I was. That silly little cowardly kiss that barely counted as a real one.

"I was curious about what you were on about." he said and took a blow on his cigarette.

"What I was on about? I told you I would kiss you." I deadpanned.

"You said it, but I wanted to see how you would put it in action." he said, meanwhile breathing out some smoke and adjusted his hat. "Don't worry. It was very nice. I'll remember that."

"Very nice?" I repeated his words and wanted to imagine I was raising an eyebrow at him. Pip hid a laugh as he made himself comfortable next to me.

"It was a very appealing and memorable peck." he said, but it made it even worse somehow.

It wasn't even a kiss. It was a peck.

"It was the first time I kissed you by my own record so you should at least give me some credit Pip." I nagged.

"I _am_ giving you credit." he assured. "Only that, for a moment, I didn't think you would actually dare."

"Am I that weak to you?" I asked him, and leaned forward to peek at his face from underneath the hat.

"Now, don't go overboard." he said softly with a deep chuckle. "Don't be so hard on yourself Lydia. I did enjoy it. From the bottom of my heart, and I will remember it in the oddest of moments."

"Fine I believe you." I told him at last, giving up. "But I will never ask you that question ever again." I said stubbornly and slummed down next to his side.

"Well aren't you a funny one. Angel lips and tongue like a razor. Sometimes, Lydia, you can be curiously unfeeling." he said, taking the last blow of his cigarette before throwing it on the grass, this time rejecting the stuffed teacup altogether.

Pip turned to his side and looked at me. He moved his tobaccosmelling hand to put another few loose hairs behind my ear.

"But you love me, and I wanted to feel that love. I wanted your blessing, without me asking for it, and I will surely remember it." he said.

"Thank you Pip." I merely whispered, feeling foolish for doubting him.

"Stay this innocent, Lydia. Don't let the world make you hard. You got something that I lost a long time ago." he said melodramatically.

"Innocent? I don't know. I already want to kiss you again." I grinned and looked down at my lap with a blush. "But do keep in mind that you are the one and only to blame for it."

"Yes, I usually am." he said, watching me with a curious fascination. He leaned down closer to me and my hands moved up to hold his face. When our lips united this time, Pip spared me the embarrassment and kissed me back fully, pulling me in by my waist. I felt drops of rain beginning to fall on us.

It felt too good. Way too good to be true. I pulled away, but I still held his face in my hands, looking at him with concern.

"I know you want to play your part in Poland's troubles and I respect that more than anyone else on earth, but I just can't seem to stop counting every minute and hour." I told him whilst caressing my thumbs over his cheeks. His hat gave him protection from the modest rain that seemed to only drop one raindrop at a time; but our clothes had already gotten patterned with them.

Pip glanced down at my lips and reached up to capture my hands in his bigger and moved them down in between our waists where he was holding them still.

"You're in love Lydia, and I don't blame you. There's nothing to be ashamed of." he said and it felt like the last breath had left me when he said this so bluntly.

"But I am the lone wolf that walks in solitude and all places are the same to me. I have nothing to promise you and nothing to share with you. If you wasn't so very sweet to me, so sweet you made me think all things were possible, I wouldn't let you anywhere near me Lydia. My little sweet Lydia..."

He started laughing in the middle of this and it was like hearing a cry of pain in a morning service in church. The rain had started pouring down mercilessly.

"But we should really get back now. Put your shoes on or you'll get filthy." he said and leaned down to pick them up for me.

I sniffed and put them on clumsily while sitting on the bench with an ocean of emotions inside my heart. I grabbed Pip by the arm and we walked together over the field with the sound of rain increasing.

I cursed to myself as I found it difficult to walk with all the thoughts and emotions running berserk in my human shell with him beside me, so near me this entire time. It was eating me up from within. It was truly a burden to not know if your heart was broken or not.

"Are you alright?" Pip asked.

"My shoes are sticking into the mud." I growled in annoyance without looking at him. My fingers were digging into his arm, not to cause him pain but because I knew he could take it.

I wasn't angry at Pip, just at myself for feeling the way I did.

"Do you want me to carry you?" he asked me and I looked up at him, almost appearing offended by his kind offer.

"I can manage very well on my own two legs thank you." I told him in all of my bashfulness.

"I find it alluring when you're angry." he said in the middle of our unexpected terrain hiking, but he kept the pace and did not badger with me further about it. He gave me his full permission to be upset and walk off my emotions.

Well, some of them.


	12. Strung out wrong and hung out to dry

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I knew he was back for me when I heard five loud knocks on the door to my room. Just in time for me having gotten control over my emotions. The door opened before I could reach it and I stood facing a wild, soaked Pip.

"Come to my suite. I decided to pick you up along the way." he said quickly and already turned around, expecting me to follow him.

Without thinking further, I simply followed his lead out into the corridor in whatever state I was and closed the door to my room after us.

"You look comfy." he said with a smile and glanced back over his large shoulder, and I looked down at my clothes whilst trying to keep up with him. I had changed into a pair of soft pants and my most comfortable sweater on my day off from the Zoo, since no one from school could accuse me for breaking the dress code.

"I wish I could say the same thing about you, Pip. You're soaked." I said. "And you're leaving a trail after us." I laughed, seeing traces of water and mud on the floor that were left after Pip.

"You're in such a hurry." I said as I half-runned alongside him as best as I could with my slippers. He didn't seem very talkative until I mentioned his hurry.

"I'm soaked." he stated and made silly arm movements with his arms, like a giant eagle. "I need to dry off. I can't afford to get a cold now." he said to me, oddly seriously, as he grabbed me by my arm to make me walk faster.

As soon as we entered his suite, Pip removed his uniform piece by piece. The long braid was more in the way than did him any good as he stumbled out of his boots and fumbled with all the buttons and sippers. I watched him in fascination, not daring to disturb him in case I would accidently get an elbow in the face or something. Pip was taller and more muscular than the average man so I knew a hit like that would make Miss Hepburn's little punishment in the dining room appear like nothing.

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" he asked like it was the most normal thing, and I glared at him and the bold request he just had given me. "I beg your pardon, sir, that is not something for a man to ask a lady of!" I said in surprise, feeling like Miss Hepburn would give me a pat on the head for this refusal. I just couldn't shower all naked with a man that I barely knew.

"Suit yourself then." Pip said without looking at me and disappeared into the bathroom stripped down to his grey underwear. When I heard the shower go on, I released a sigh in relief as I began gathering all of his clothes to hang them somewhere to dry off.

Touching his wet clothes felt oddly intimate and important, and I must've been way more careful than what was actually needed. The thick fabric of the clothes and the metal details were nothing in comparison with the silk and feathers our school had us all wrapped up in.

When I grabbed his pants after hanging his jacket and scarf on dry by the desk, something heavy dropped to the floor with a thump. I almost screamed out loud when I saw that it was a gun, and I let the pants slip out of my hands and down onto the floor.

I covered my mouth and stared down at the weapon like a dramatic statue. I didn't dare to move. It was like the gun would come to life and live by itself if I happened to nudge it in any way. After a moment of consideration, I decided to pick up his pants again. I now noticed how heavy they really were and I bit my lips when I started to imagine what more he had in them.

A heavy belt of leather with pockets and buckles were attached to the pants that probably added onto the weight together with the rainwater and dirt, and when I fit one and two together, I realized that the gun must've been detached from a holder on the belt.

I tossed the pants on the edge of the bed and moved my hands up in front of me in some kind of defense, like I was expecting something like an explosion. I felt a little silly, but it was an entire different world to me. A world I did not understand and a world I did not want to understand.

A world I did not belong to.

I had cleaned up everything from the floor, except for the cursed gun that lay there haunting me. I glared at it like someone watching a dead animal. If I was able to put it on top of the bed, then Pip wouldn't find this strange and I didn't have to be caught in the act of snooping in his equipment; because the gun could've been detached from the belt after I'd put them on the bed, right?

I kneeled down to the floor and examined the weapon more closely.

To me, it was just an ordinary traditional black gun. Like something you see in criminal movies or something a police officer would use. I took a deep breath of determination before I grasped it carefully by the handle, and later on scooped it up with both of my hands like the inexperienced coward I was.

It was much heavier than I had expected it to be as I slowly stood up; carrying it like it was an object of holy. My plan was to put it on the bed as soon as I could, but I was somewhat mesmerized by it. I was holding a real weapon in my hands.

A weapon that had been used by Pip. Most likely a weapon that has killed a great deal of people.

But now, _I_ was armed. I felt protected, on guard, and perhaps even a little bit dangerous.

I dared to leave the weapon alone in one of my hands as I stretched out my arm, pretending to aim at something. Feeling dim-witted, I dropped the act and took another close examination instead.

My heart pounded in my chest as I dared to grasp my fingers around it more tightly, even to the point that I dared to tap the trigger with my fingertip in a feathery touch. That was when the fun stopped.

In a flash, I saw something in the corner of my eye and a large, moist hand appeared out of nowhere and clutched my wrist in a firm grip to temporarily paralyze my fingers. The air smelled like the after scent of shower gel.

"I do hope I'm interrupting something..." his emotionless voice said and the pistol got jerked out of my hand with ease.

I had been too occupied with the deadly weapon that I hadn't even noticed the shower go off, and all of the sudden Pip's large chest was pressed against my entire back and head, and one muscular arm was locked around my middle, keeping me in place. It was odd how he could be so rough and gentle at the same time.

"I shall give you one piece of advice Lydia..." he said next to my ear. "Don't do this again." he said sternly, and released my wrist in severe instant like my skin had burned his hand.

After his arm had snaked away from my belly he pushed me gently forward a bit as he walked away with the gun in his possession, like a parent would take away a dangerous tool from their child.

"I'm sorry." I squeaked, watching his back face me. He was only wearing his underwear and a white t-shirt that already was soaked through from his rushed shower.

Did he know it all along? Was he aware that he had put me in danger alone with his unsafe equipment and stressed through his shower just because he thought I couldn't keep my hands to myself?

Oh no. He _knew_. He knew I couldn't. He didn't trust me.

"Can we agree to consider that undone? You've already gotten a scold from your teacher today and I wouldn't want to give you another one." he said bitterly. His hair was let down and almost covered his entire back.

"But Pip you don't think I actually would've-" I needed to stop myself from talking because his stare was not merciful. Pip had sat down on the edge of the bed, near his wet pants. His legs were parted and the gun was resting nonchalantly in his accustomed hand next to his inner thigh.

"Don't you understand, Lydia?" Pip asked me in a mixture of compassion and aggravation. "We're cursed you and I. We can't possibly make this work. Things cannot go on as they are." he said, and I hated his words.

"If you're only saying this just because I touched your gun then-"

"I SAID: CONSIDER IT UNDONE!" he roared and flied up from the bed.

I took a step back and put my hands in front of me as a shield, actually having a reason to fear a real explosion, and a real reason to be afraid. My face moved to the side in fright at his sudden outburst and I kept my eyes shut, like it would make me or him disappear from the intense situation.

I would've never expected this in my life.

Who was that man? That wasn't Pip. That was an entire different person.

I jumped when I felt his hands grab my upper arms carefully.

"Please forgive me Lydia." he said softly. He pulled me into a big hug, but it didn't 't feel right at all and it was impossible to respond to his touch. It was like he had made my senses numb. I felt nothing. The only thing that I felt like doing was crying, so I did. I began sobbing into his t-shirt and loose pieces of wet hair. He brought his head down and kissed the crown of my head repeatedly.

"I've made you angry." I weeped with my arms hanging limply at my sides, both wanting and not wanting him near me.

Everything went through my mind like a list. I kissed Pip on our meeting spot. It started to rain. He picked me up from my room. He undressed. He jumped into the shower. I found a gun. I touched the gun. He got angry.

Something went wrong when he went into the bathroom. I didn't regret not taking a shower with him (that would be an unfair point) but I shouldn't have cleaned up his clothes. I shouldn't have hanged them to dry.

I should've sat down and waited for him like a good girl. A normal girl.

And when the weapon dropped to the floor I shouldn't had touched it. I should've waited for Pip to come back and pick it up, or even shouted to him what had happened whilst he was in the bathroom. Anything seemed like a more sensible option.

As a matter of fact; he was a grown-up man and could've cleaned up after himself. Pip must've been used to taking care of himself, so it was absolutely naïve of me to think that he needed a housemaid in his temporary home all of the sudden.

"Yes, and I'm very sorry about that. You must forgive me." Pip said in his deep voice. His big hands were rubbing me all over my back, like they were detecting something underneath the fabric of my sweater.

I had gotten completely submissive after thinking through these past moments.

"It's all right." I said, feeling my hands getting back to life and I thought about returning his touch. "I shouldn't have-"

"No, it's not alright. I've been grotesque." Pip pulled away and looked down at me seriously.

"I held a weapon while shouting at you… That's a terrible thing to do. You even tried to defense yourself when _I_ am the person who should…" Pip trailed off as he avoided eye contact with a shaky breath. "It wasn't even loaded. For God's sake, even if it was, the gunpowder would've been wet and ruined. But I was scared, Lydia." he explained, sounding angry at himself.

"It was like you had taken your first step into my world; a world I hate you to be a part of. Who knows what was going through your mind with that evidence in your hands? All I ever wanted was too keep you away, perhaps even trick you into a truth that I'm not the one who I really am. But I can't fool anyone. Not even you."

My hands moves up towards his head, and he watched them carefully, as in asking me what I was doing. I placed my hands on his shoulders; scooping them underneath the layers of long hair and I took a step closer to him, swallowing my tears.

Pip's hands held onto my waist, not in a loving way, but more like he wanted to stop me from coming any closer.

"I kill people Lydia. That's what I do. That's my occupation, my purpose." he told me, and even though it should, it didn't bother me. Not right then, not in there, in that room with the door closed and only the two of us. It was like nothing he said would bother me after he had screamed at me.

It somehow felt like I could take on anything from him, from that moment.

I only nodded my head at what he previously had said, agreeing with it, perhaps even accepting it, because I had nothing to say against that. It would've been a wasted shot. I managed to smile at him, and my smile made him look so confused that it hurt my heart.

"And when you laugh with me or flirt with me, is that your purpose too?" I asked him, my hands going over his shoulders and clasped together at the back of his neck. Underneath his hair, it was warm and almost dry. Pip leaned down a bit, only to not having him cling onto him like a monkey.

"This isn't fair. You're too good to me Lydia. I don't deserve it." he told me.

His hands released my hips as he gave in to his previous resistance and hugged me around my middle, pulling me into his embrace again.

"Thank you." he whispered softly in my ear.

"You can't fool me Pip." I told him next to his ear as well. "But you have a heart, I know you do."

Pip pulled away from me carefully then, like what I just said had ruined everything, but he didn't look disturbed in any way.

In fact, he looked encouraged. Proud.

"Funny I had to meet you to make it known." he replied.


	13. Confiscated

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Pip and I thought that giving each other space for the rest of the evening seemed like a wise decision for us both, considering our earlier conflict. We had no burned bridges between us, but we still got along with the idea and kissed goodnight to avoid any more drama that might happen.

If I only knew what was waiting for me on my way back to my room in the girls dormitory.

"Lydia." someone said, and I recognized that voice that never wanted me any good.

"Minnie? What are you doing here?" I asked my blonde acquaintance from school. Her hair was in a Tinkerbell-bun on her head and her blue eyes were judgmental. She was in her nightgown.

"Well I can frankly tell you that I'm not here for the same forbidden reasons as yourself. I checked your room, but just as I assumed, it was empty." she said, and I didn't like where this was going.

"I know what you've been up to, Lydia." she said seriously. "You and that man to be more specific. But it's over now. Miss Hepburn is waiting for you in her office."

With those words, the entire world came crushing down on me.

"Why?" was all I could say. I walked up to her, almost helplessly. "Why would you do this Minnie?"

Minnie raised an eyebrow at me. "Why wouldn't I? You think you can have it all, don't you Romanoff?" she asked. Before I could ask her what in the world she was talking about, her thin brows furrowed and she was about to give me all of her reasons to ruin my entire life. Or two weeks of it anyway.

"I'm sorry, Lydia. But I just can't allow this. I won't let you be with him in fairly-land, not after you took Felicia from me, my best friend. You don't deserve to have them both." she said like she's about to cry. It made sense, because I often saw Minnie by herself these past days, but I didn't pity her one bit.

I never _took_ Felicia from her. Felicia left her by her own will because she'd much rather be with me and Dorothy.

"So what are you waiting for? Miss Hepburn must have a few things in her mind she would like to speak to you about." she said and left me standing in the hallway like a fool and walked into her room, closing the door after having dropped that bomb on me.

It was cruel. I could've at least been spared the night before I had to have this conversation. How would I ever be able to fall asleep after this?

* * *

When I entered Miss Hepburn's office, it wasn't as dooming as I had expected it to be. But I knew this was going to be a slow, painful pull of the plaster, and then I would bleed my heart out all at once.

She had smiled at me and prepared a cup of tea for my arrival. She had even lit up a few tea candles on her desk. It was like a meeting at a funeral agency. But Miss Hepburn couldn't keep her smile on for too long, and her friendly face changed into a miserable from the other side of her desk when we both had been seated.

"Oh Lydia." he said. "Please tell me that she wasn't speaking the truth about you and that man?" she almost begged me, putting her hand out in front of her on top of the wooden surface. For one moment, I thought that if I lied then, everything would be forgotten.

 _Me and that man._

 _Me and Pip._

I hadn't even been there for more than two minutes and I already felt like bursting.

What a terrible, terrible, terrible day.

"I wish I could." I said and Miss Hepburn looked like she had seen the last of her days and let out a heartnumbing sigh. The sigh of an upset mother.

"All of it?" she asked, almost hopefully.

"It depends on what she has told you." I looked at her shamefaced, biting my lip nervously.

I hadn't touched my tea. Not even tasted it. My hands were holding onto each other in my lap. I pretended one of them belonged to Pip. He was there with me. Everything would be fine.

Miss Hepburn pulled back her hand slightly and if I wasn't mistaken, she looked hopeful once more.

"Minnie has told me a great deal about incidents that connect you to the man in charge for the mercenary army we're sharing this boarding house with."

 _The man in charge for the mercenary army._

 _Pip._

 _Pip Bernadotte._

 _Captain of the Wild Geese._

"We've only met each other a few times." I said. It was a white lie, but I was so convinced by my own words that I fooled myself that I was speaking the truth.

"If that's correct, then you're still breaking a serious rule, Lydia." she said sadly. She cleared her throat and looked at me seriously.

"Another thing that Minnie has told me is that she has seen you walk into the mercenary department more than once. Is that true?"

"Yes." I said.

"And the reason for this is that you have visited this man in his room. Correct?"

"Yes." I said again, letting out a sigh. Must I even mention that I was blushing?

Hearing this felt even more risky and forbidden and shameful than it did when I actually were doing these things.

"Minnie says she has seen you leave the boarding house, which is another prohibited thing to do, alone in his car from her window in her bedroom that happen to be located near the parking lot. Is this true as well?"

I felt harassed and caught right handed and everything just felt bloody unfair. That wasn't even recently. Why did she have to tell on me now? I only had two weeks left with him; couldn't she at least have given me that? Or sooner, so that I wouldn't have had the time to fall in love with him?

"Yes." I mumbled.

"Is it true that you've been flirting with this man? Minnie says she has seen you interact with him in the lounge and in the dining room." she said, and I began wondering if all these questions were really necessary.

I looked down at my hands.

"Yes. But I wouldn't call it flirting, miss." I muttered.

"Are you having an affair with that man?"

My eyes darted up at her.

"Pip." I said. "Not 'this man' and 'that man'. His name is Pip Bernadotte and no, we're not having an affair." I told her without losing my cool.

Miss Hepburn looked at me sympathetically.

"I really want to believe you, Lydia. You've always been a good girl." she said, opening up her drawer.

She looked a bit hesitant before putting something on the table.

My eyes widened when I saw what it was and the last of my heartstrings got snapped off like a dead branch. I felt myself getting angry. More angry than what I've ever been. But my anger crashed together with my grief and my vision got blurry and my eyes stung.

"Where did you get that?" I asked, hearing my own voice crack.

They had taken Smurfette from me.

"Minnie found it in-"

"Minnie has been in my room?" I asked, tears falling.

Miss Hepburn looked hurt, but she tried to remain calm in this.

"I gave her permission."

"You gave her permission to enter my room?" I asked in disbelief.

"I wanted proof, and I understand that this makes you feel assaulted; Good God, anyone would, but this whole thing is not about embarrassing you, Lydia. It's about highlighting the rules. You are not allowed to interact with these men, and it hurts my heart to tell you that you've been breaking this rule on so many different levels, Lydia Romanoff. I could get you expelled."

I stared at her speechlessly.

It was silly, but all I wanted now was to get Smurfette back in my belonging.

"Lydia… I understand that this must be very difficult for you… You're in a fragile age and living together with uniformed men must make all of your girls curious and find them alluring, to be frank, even I feel distracted sometimes as a middle aged woman, but you must understand the value of the rules, we all must, and things can't go on as they are."

I didn't like how she compared me to the other girls. I thought I knew what real love was, and I was quite sure there weren't many under that ceiling that could say the same.

"You must stay away from that man, I mean, Mister Bernadotte, or else I must ask you to pack your things and leave us immediately. Is that clear, Romanoff?"

I could do nothing but nod - Agreeing to something that I never would want to agree with.

She let out a sigh and leaned back in her chair.

"Did he…" she started, but she stopped herself , like she was about to say something inappropriate and realized it. But when she looked into my broken eyes, she filled out the question carefully.

"Did he give this to you?" she asked, looking at the toy, and I couldn't help but let out a sad, little half-embarrassed laugh.

Miss Hepburn seemed to have gone to a more personal, emotional level, so I saw no point in trying to cover things up any longer. It was all over anyway. It felt like I had lost everything.

"Yes." I said with a sniff. "It's from a happy meal he gave me when I was sick." I told her and she looked moved by this information and let out a little laugh as well.

"How kind, and here I thought Minnie was joking." she said, and I shook my head a bit, wishing she could stop saying her name. It sent shivers down my spine and made me feel sick.

After getting permission to leave on the demand that I could continue with my education here if I was capable of cutting Pip out from my life, I stood up from the chair.

But it didn't feel right to leave empty-handedly. Something was missing. I looked at Miss Hepburn in one last hope.

"Could I have her back?" I asked, and she looked down at the smurf figure.

"Perhaps… not having her back would make it easier for you to forget him?" she made it sound like a suggestion, or a question, but it was neither of those. It was a 'no' covered in roses.

She looked heartbroken on my behalf as I watched her put my lucky charm away from me in her drawer, and the only word I could think about and voice was a heartless "Whatever" as I turned away from her.

"Lydia!" she almost shouted, but she didn't sound mad.

When I turned around, she looked full of regret.

"I'm sorry for… that in the dining room. I shouldn't have done that to you and Dorothy. It was unkind." she said.

"It's alright." I said, because nothing really mattered after this conversation. Miss Hepburn could've hit me all she wanted if I only could have Pip's gift back.

Or turn Minnie into the most gruesome smurf in the entire story.

* * *

"I could rip her hair out." Dorothy said, first in a spontaneous and blunt grumble. But after we had walked a few more steps, she said it again, more determined and clearly. "No. But I could seriously rip her hair out. They could kick me out of here and it still would've been worth it."

She looked at me with a pair of serious eyes.

"Ripping her hair out won't change anything." I told her calmly. I needed to be strong in order to get over yesterday's happenings and declarations.

"Maybe not, but at least she'll learn to stay out of other people's business!" Dorothy said loudly, not caring if anyone else would hear her on our way to the dining room for lunch. We both had skipped breakfast just to discuss everything that had happened.

Dorothy told be all about how much she had missed me when they were at the Zoo and how everything pretty much sucked, and I told her that my happy days with Pip were over.

Dorothy leaned down to my level and lowered her voice in a whisper. "Hey… Maybe you could still meet him?" she suggested mischievously.

Her idea made my heart pump faster, but I ended up shaking my head, trying to be as sensible as possible.

"I can't risk it, Dorothy." I told her and she let out a sigh. "This is so unfair!" she complained. "I didn't even get caught with Jerry, even though we, you know… So why couldn't you harmless little encounter continue?"

I smiled at her, being grateful for her care about my misfortune.

"But isn't it a bit strange though? I mean… that these silly rules suddenly get as serious as the law itself? Miss Hepburn have seen us sitting down with Leif, and she didn't say anything about that." Dorothy wondered, and even though her argument was valid, it didn't help the situation.

"But isn't Leif quite harmless?" I asked. "And it's not as if he has bought us junk food and invited us over to his room and let us come with him in his car." I said, counting my memories with Pip.

"Pip let you come with him in his car?" Dorothy asked, and I was surprised at myself for not telling her about this. Perhaps because it wasn't a very successful car trip, that fateful day at the slums.

"Have you seen Felicia around?" I asked her to change subject and Dorothy looked at me in confusion. "Yes, well… I hang with her at the Zoo, but she's been acting strange lately. Do you think it has to do with…" she suddenly trailed off as she looked ahead of us. All of the sudden, she grabbed my hand.

"Lydia." she said kindly, but I could hear the alarm in her voice.

When I followed her gaze, I halted and my mind got completely blank. But Dorothy tugged me along, determined to keep me going no matter what. "Just keep your head low and follow me." she said quickly in one breath.

But how in the world could I when Pip was standing by the entrance to the dining room, leaning against the wall. It was like he was waiting for me.

I got that sudden instinct to run away in the direction we were coming from, but it was too late for that. He had already noticed us, and now I knew that the hardest and most difficult challenge lay ahead of me.

I had to ignore him at all costs.

He was a problem, an obstacle.

He was dead to me.

He was a stranger.

He was invisible.

He was air.

Walking past him and pretend that he wasn't there was like taking a stroll in the sun with sunglasses and pretend that the sun wasn't burning.

But I could feel heat radiate from him. I could feel his sunrays on me, lighting up my existence for him to see. Exposing my pitiful being. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered if he knew that I was ignoring him, or if he just assumed that I hadn't noticed him standing there.

For a moment, I actually believed it.

I believed that yesterday's conversation had killed everything between me and Pip; like it had put our whole relationship to death. It had been so strong and so cruel that it had reached out to him too, and cleared his mind. Because what did I really mean to him, when everything came around?

He was just randomly standing there. He didn't wait for me. He had gotten over me and would never look back.

"Seems like this dynamic duo are back in charge."

When he spoke, it felt like all my inner organs stopped working, and Dorothy needed to lead me like a blind horse into the dining room. I couldn't bear to look at him.

"And too haughty to even speak to the minorities." he said after us, and I could hear that there was a smirk on his face.

I just wished that he would stop talking, but even if he did, things was already very flimsy because he was following us towards the buffet.

"Lydia, is everything-"

"Look what's on the menu, Romanoff! It's stroganoff!" Dorothy's worn-out inside joke over-voiced Pip as she pointed towards the board behind the counter. "Romanoff stroganoff!" But the overused joke rang sadly in the air with a rejected Pip behind me.

We grabbed each tray and began standing in line. But just when it was our turn to be fed; the empty container of stroganoff needed to be replaced, and we needed to wait. The line in front of us had disappeared, and we were standing alone together with Pip in the aisle that currently was empty of people.

 _Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around._

"I know what you're trying to do, Lydia."

Dorothy turned around and looked over my head with a light frown, and I took this as a permission to do so myself. But I shouldn't have, because when I saw him in front of me, real and in his very own glory, all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and forget about everything that had happened. Apologize to him, even.

But Pip faced me with a knowing, affronted glance down at my pale face.

"You're ignoring me." he stated, and it made me feel dumb. Of course I couldn't get away with it without him noticing. Who was I trying to fool?

His tall built was leaning against the counter. He hadn't grabbed a tray for himself; he had only followed us to confront me about not greeting him. Pip was too proud to let a mere schoolgirl reject his words so uncaringly. Especially one like myself who had formed a bond with him and been in his personal space.

"Lydia, do you think the tomatoes will be mushy again?" Dorothy asked behind my back, trying to distract me. It wasn't working.

"It's because of what happened yesterday wasn't it?" Pip asked more softly, crossing his arms over his chest. I could only stare at him. It was like someone of us would explode if I spoke a single word.

"If they're mushy again, we should complain. Lydia, do you think we can have pasta instead of rice? It's also good to just take lots of vegetables and sauce, it gets like a salad. But we're not on a diet are we?" Dorothy asked and Pip shot a distracted glance over my shoulder and looked back at me, waiting patiently for my answer _(to his question, not Dorothy's!)_.

I got the feeling that he had it all figured out. Dorothy was better at distracting Pip than she was distracting me. If times were better, I would've laughed.

"So that's what it's about then? You find a proof of my position, take a second glance and then I'm less worthy than a side-character in your own little fable..."

"Lydia look there's cheesecake for dessert!"

"Could you shut up?!" he barked at Dorothy over my shoulder, slamming his fist on the counter. My tray bounced, but my hand caught it, holding it still. Pip looked down at me again, less patiently and more in irritation.

"You find a gun in my room and suddenly reality gets too much for you too handle. If I knew that you'd have to see a gun to understand that I'm a killer, I would've made sure you saw it before you could take part of my life." he said, and my lips parted as I looked up at him speechlessly. Even if I _was_ allowed to talk to him, I wouldn't have found any words to say.

"How pathetic… Look at you." he said, gesturing to me with a nonchalant gloved hand and let out a little snort. My gaze flinched away and I looked down in embarrassment. In the oddest of ways, everything felt melodramatically good. I was happy that he reacted this way, because it showed me that he still cared enough about me to get upset.

"You can do whatever you want. I'm leaving now." he said, just in time for when a few men had lined up behind him and the new set of stroganoff had arrived.

"Come on Lydia. I poured you a portion." Dorothy said and dragged me away from that awful happening that would leave a nasty scar on my heart and would work as a terrible memory.

This time, he didn't follow us. In fact, I think he turned around and exited the dining room altogether.

"You found a gun in his room?" she whispered back to me curiously on our way. I walked numbly after Dorothy without answering her, until I halted. She turned around with a surprised glance, balancing a tray with two portions of stroganoff on her arm.

"I can't do this." I said, feeling my heart get ripped in two different directions. "I must say something. I need to talk to him."

"No Lydia!" Dorothy yelled at me, keeping me in place with her fierce eyes.

"You must be strong now." she told me with her teeth gritted. "Remember what I went through. I got over it, so you can do it too." she said. It wasn't a fair point, since Jerry and Pip were different on so many levels, but it was still enough to make me sit down with her at a table.

"I can't believe he told me to shut up." Dorothy muttered, but later on looked at me guiltily. "Sorry Lydia. This isn't about me."

"No it's okay; he shouldn't have said that. It was unkind." I told her, poking my large portion of stroganoff.

"Sweet Jesus." Dorothy said, putting her cutlery down and stared at me like I just had said something to offend her.

"Even hearing you talk ill of him sounds wrong." she said.


	14. War of words

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I had lost interest in practically everything that was happening around me. The class could burst out laughing during one of our lessons, and I would be the poor fool who had missed the joke. Every day had become a conflict that was all about managing through the day with my heart in whole quantity.

On the first Friday after Miss Hepburn's confrontation, things had started to settle and I began to slowly accept everything the way it was. I still had Dorothy, and Felicia, even though the last mentioned girl had been oddly absent and mostly kept to herself.

I began wondering if Minnie had been involved with her as well. The mere thought made my blood boil. I didn't understand what she wanted out of it all. She clearly wasn't a happier person than what she was before she put me in the chair of doom.

"What do you mean we're going back to the Zoo?"

Minnie was the first one to complain about the news on Friday morning. We all were a bit surprised, to be fair. But not snubbed. Only Minnie was snubbed.

"Last week, the fieldtrip wasn't a successful one since the rain poured down and we couldn't do the tasks I had signed you all up for. Most of the animals didn't even want to show themselves in the nasty weather condition. But I've spoken to the zookeeper and he is willing to let us visit them again for a reduced sum." Miss Hepburn told us in the rented conference room that we had all of our classes in.

"We're all leaving before lunch. The people who didn't join us on the last trip may do as they wish, but if it doesn't appeal, it would please me if you could do the tasks and questions sheets here at least. There's always a way you can do it." she spoke to us all as a group in whole, but I was pretty sure that I was the only one who hadn't gone with them to the Zoo. Thus it felt more personal, as Miss Hepburn's eyes landed on me constantly.

Miss Hepburn had been looking at me awfully lot lately. It was like she tried to make some kind of contact.

I didn't feel like going with them this time either, so I would do the homework at the boarding house instead, which consisted of doing some research on an animal that you found interesting. I could do this without actually seeing the animal in reality of course.

I didn't think Miss Hepburn would allow me to be left alone after everything that she had found out, but since I didn't go with them last time either, she must've assumed that I hated Zoo's. Because they left me behind shortly after.

Even Dorothy joined them again, who had probably gotten tired of my gloominess considering Pip. But before they were gone from the boarding house, she had dared me to go see him, but of course that was out of the question. Not only for the obvious reason that my education was put to risk, but also because Pip was obviously holding some kind of grudge against me for ignoring him, by ignoring me as well and had sort of just been avoiding me overall. I had barely seen him in the dining room, and I was quite grateful for that because getting through the week without talking or interacting with him had been much easier.

But staying in my room all by myself the entire day wasn't a pleasant idea, so I decided to go for a walk in the forest to explore instead.

Who knew, perhaps I would find a squirrel or a hare or something else that I could take use of in our mission, and maybe I would even get extra points on this assignment? Of course, seeing and doing research on an animal in its natural environment felt more enlightening then writing about an animal in a cage.

When I walked out to the country yard, I saw the Wild Geese in a gathering in the field a few meters away with Pip talking to them.

I tried not to bring attention to myself as I sneaked towards the forest, but of course they were all occupied with their own business.

I was slightly convinced that Pip had forgotten all about me, and Pip forgetting about me was just another reason for me to forget about him.

But of course, I couldn't forget everything. Especially not the bench in the distance that lay there unoccupied and abandoned in the sunshine.

Sometimes I believed that Pip and I were the only people that had been sitting on that bench.

It was ours.

* * *

I was a fool. I should've realized it sooner than what I did.

I asked myself: Why is it so difficult to walk in the forest?

The answer was as clear as glass. You don't stride in the woods with low-heeled Mary Jane's. You just don't.

I had twisted my ankle every fifth step by stumbling over roots and stepping down in cracks and my new 15 den stretch collant stockings had already ripped around my calves and knees.

I needed to halt just so that I could take a moment to drown in self-pity.

"Oh my God." I said to myself.

Going back and change into something else would've been the wisest decision of them all. But I didn't feel like it the slightest. I was already inside the forest and if I went back, there would be a big chance that I would lose interest in getting back out into the nature, so I continued on.

Which was an incredibly foolish mistake.

I tripped and fell, and suddenly I just found myself rolling down head first and fast like a avalanche on a little hillside full of dry leaves that softened my fall at the bottom. My skirt had ripped and my hair was full of leaves and everything itched. Almost my entire body was sore when I managed to stand up without having any bone bruised or broken.

That was just enough for me to make me give up and respect nature to the fair point of leaving it alone.

I didn't bother to pick up my notepad and pencil that I had lost during my... parade.

I was more than determined to go back to the boarding house empty-handedly, but then I heard something noisy.

And then I saw something awful.

I jumped when I came face to face with the unfamiliarity of a light yellowish-brown colored animal. It was a deer. A baby deer. A fawn. A young adult deer, a teenager perhaps. A large, beautiful deer with the sweetest largest eyes.

But it couldn't move because the back of its foot was trapped in something.

I tried to approach the animal as carefully as possible, but it was already offended by me and started bouncing in the same place, wanting to escape, but it couldn't.

When I got a closer look, I covered my mouth in disturbance. It had stepped in a bloody fox trap.

I knew I needed to do something, and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I left the animal in this condition to die. When the deer had discovered that I was just an odd spectator to its unfortunate, it calmed down a little bit, but still kept an eye on me.

I couldn't look at its poor leg. It was bad. If the deer tried hard enough, the limb would get cleaned off and neither of us wanted that to happen. From all shows I had seen on Animal Planet and from a small amount of common sense, I knew that a four-legged animal in the wild wouldn't be able to last long on only three legs.

The fox trap had bitten hard in the lower middle of its right leg and after being adjusted to seeing this animal, I almost fainted at the realization that it had spilled an enormous amount of blood. It was difficult to detect in the colorful mixture of leaves.

As I took a closer look at the deer and sat down on my knees next to it, it began to flounder again, wanting to flee. I flinched away as well, falling on my butt.

At some point, I had reached out to touch it in an attempt to calm it down. It didn't work.

I don't dare to say that I was helping the poor creature because I was doing more trouble than good. There was blood everywhere.

At last, the deer stopped bouncing around and slummed down in the pile of leaves and breathed heavily. I was sitting down too, a few meters away from it. When I looked down at myself, I saw blood on my clothes and it made me burst out in tears.

Everything got so real and I hated life.

It was suffering. It wouldn't make it.

Any vet or police station or hospital lay too far away. The closest and most relatable alternative must've been the Zoo my school visited at that very moment.

Even the slums Pip and I had visited lay closer than anything else that might be helpful for that horrific happening.

When the fawn turned its head and stared at me, asking me for help or permission, I realized that I needed to do something. I needed to put the animal to rest by my own means, and fast.

But how could I've killed a large animal like that and live on like a sane person?

How could I've murdered Bambi? I was too much of a coward.

I didn't have the guts.

But I knew someone who had.

My eyes widened as I stood up from the ground and headed back to the boarding house in the speed of lightning.

I stumbled over roots and got spanked by branches and even fell another time before I finally exited the forest and was leaping over the green field like a wild stallion.

My heart was beating faster and faster.

Whilst running this length, I realized that the wounded deer wasn't as far away as I'd thought it was, and that there was still hope to put it to rest fairly without having it suffer for too long.

"Pip!" I had already began screaming his name. "Pip!"

The men were still gathered in a group, checking their equipment. And when one man turned his head and saw me running like a lunatic towards them, they all did. And they all got speechless and wide-eyed when they saw me.

It takes a hysteric girl in a dress straight out from a horror movie to silence a group of mercenaries.

The ribbon in my hair was loose. My hair was wild. My skirt ripped and my stockings were dirty and condemned. The entire front of my uniform was stained in blood, like I had accidently spilled an entire bowl of tomato soup on myself. That's exactly what it looked like.

"Pip!"

Pip was earlier kneeled down in front of a trunk, but when he heard my frantic cry, he flied up from the ground. When he saw me running towards them in the condition I was, he let go of everything he was occupied with and pushed past every soldier in his way to get to me.

"Lydia!" he screamed, leaping towards me. We would almost have run into each other if Pip wasn't quick enough to halt me with two dense grips on my shoulders and shook me violently, like someone would shake an unconscious person to life.

"What happened?!" he asked me, looking me straight in the eyes.

I gaped at him as I almost forgot why I was there in the first place. After everything that happened, Pip was now there in front of me. Staring at me, talking with me, touching me.

Fox trap. Bouncing, deer, stockings, Bambi, blood. Everything just felt so bizarre. It was like a dream. A nightmare. A daydreamer's nightmare.

"You need to come with me." I told him, grabbing onto his outstretched arms clumsily.

"Where? What the hell is-"

"YOU MUST PIP!" I screamed and squirmed out of his grip and stumbled towards the group of men who watched us. "And you need to bring a gun!" I yelled at him and searched the ground for weapons.

"Lydia, wait!"

I picked up the nearest gun I could find that reminded me of the weapon you use for haunting and when I swirled around with it held in my two hands, the entire crowd of the men faltered and ducked down on the grass.

I had pointed the rifle at them without realizing it, and I had even made a few of them fall down onto their knees and clutch their heads.

Pip chuckled uneasily and touched my shoulder gently.

"She's a starter…" he said to his men, almost in a defensive fatherly manner about his daughter toddler, and led me away, yet giving me permission to hold onto the weapon.

"Lydia, what the hell is happening?" Pip asked me closely as he insisted on walking towards the bench, our meeting spot, assuming to have a long drawn conversation, but we didn't have time for that and we were going in the wrong direction.

"There's a dying deer." I told him.

I had expected him to not care much about those news, but he actually looked more surprised than I thought he would.

"Here? In the forest?" he asked and I nodded anxiously.

"It doesn't have long left and I thought…" I trailed off, looking down at the rifle in my hands.

Pip stared at me like he had witnessed a miracle.

"Clever." he only said, and removed the weapon from my hands and armed himself with it, pulling the leather strap attached to it over his broad chest.

"Show me." he made a side turn and started running towards the forest, one step ahead of me.

He ordered the rest of his men to stay put, only allowing me to come with him to show him the way to the dying animal.

* * *

The darling deer was still alive. Which was a relief and a displeasure at the same time.

"We need something to blind it with." Pip said, looking down at me. "Give me your apron." he said and I quickly untied it and handed it over to him who walked towards the deer and shook the bloodstained white fabric in the air before covering the deer's head with it. His action reminded me of someone who was making a bed.

A death bed.

After getting the little head covered, the deer's breathing seemed to have relaxed the slightest. Pip looked down at the deer another time before taking a few steps back from it, inspecting it.

When his gaze left the animal and we made eye contact, Pip said: "You might want to look away now." and I believed the man and agreed on that as I walked a few meters away from the situation and sat down on a rock with my back facing them.

I didn't have to wait long until I heard the shot.

Boom.

And it was over.

I remained sitting still until I heard the rustling of leaves and Pip put his hand on my back, urging me to stand up.

"My brave girl." he said to me. When I stood, he put his free arm around me as we walked together.

He was no longer wearing the rifle like a piece of accessory. Instead, the weapon was held in his other hand together with the dangling leather strap as he led me away like he didn't want me to see the outcome.

He was damn right.

"I'm sorry Pip." I told him after about one minute of walking.

"You did the right thing. I'll call someone to pick it up later, and then it will be gone before morning." he said soothingly.

"No." I said with a halt. I looked up at his face, my fingers reaching up to hold onto his red scarf.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you. It had absolutely nothing to do with that incident with the gun in your room." I told him, and it felt so good, despite just having Bambi killed.

But Bambi had brought us back together.

"They figured it out." I told him. "Miss Hepburn knows about us, and she forbids it. She said that I would be expelled if I didn't listen to her advice and stayed away from you." I said.

Pip looked at me for a long moment of thinking. Then he sniffed and let out a snort, like he was about to spit on the ground, but he didn't.

Instead he fished out a cigarette from his pocket and put it in his mouth. I thought it might be difficult for him to light up the cigarette when holding a rifle in his one hand so I put my hand out in front of him in a suggestive manner after he'd brought out the lighter.

He gave me the little fire tool without hesitation and smiled gratefully while I lit up his cigarette for him. He leaned down whilst doing it and was looking at me watchfully, like he was checking me not to burn myself.

Then he stood up tall again and removed the cigarette from his lips after having a portion of smoke and breathed it out on the side, minding me where I was standing. He gave me the harmless burden to carry his lighter for him. Or it wasn't just that much of an important thing to him that he wanted back in instant. He must've owned a few of those anyway.

A part of me hoped that he would forget about it so that I could keep it.

I hamstered souvenirs from the country of Bernadotte.

Or fairy-land, as Minnie called it.

"Well…" he said. "Bully for that."

Bully for that.

All the hours and days of torture I had been through, and that was Pip's reaction to it all.

 _Bully for that._

"This is not the end of life. Just the start of a different one." he said poetically, shooting a far-fetched glance back over his shoulder at the previous incident. Then his eye got caught up in the trees above us.

"You had the saddest eyes, you know..." he told me and looked a bit regretful. "I knew something was wrong when you avoided me back then. I should've known better but I was being too egotistical and couldn't keep myself from barking at you."

"And Dorothy." I added with a little smile. Pip looked unchanged.

"That was pissing me off. Remind me to speak to you in private next time something similar happens." he muttered and took another blow on his cigarette.

"I love you Pip." I said to him and he glanced at me, like it happened in accident.

"I love you so, so much…" I said, eyes darting away as a shook my head slowly in disbelief. "This week made me realize this. I don't think that I've missed a person this much in my whole life." I told him shamelessly.

"We have one week left." Pip implied, in a matter of fact. I didn't know if he said it for a reason or simply to stop me from fawning over him. I looked at him and his gaze had never left mine.

"Will you hide away from me then, too?" he asked me.

"I don't have any choice." I defended.

"You don't?" Pip asked me seriously and I let out a little shout in irritation that amused him to a smirk.

"I don't know!" I whined, putting my hands in my destroyed hair.

"You do have a choice if you love me, and if it's true." he said, not being patient enough to remove the cigarette from his mouth before speaking this time.

"But will it be worth it? Will I still love you when you're gone in Poland?" I asked him, having thought about that a lot those past days. My crush on Pip might be gone with him.

"I don't know. Will you?" he asked me.

And I stared at him. I could do nothing but stare at Pip at times like this.

"Yes." I said and nodded my head carefully.

I felt calm, mature. But then, all of the sudden I began crying, like a distressed spirit just haunted my whole being in a heartbeat.

"Oh, Lydia, Lydia, Lydia…" he said mildly. He dropped the gun and tossed away his cigarette only to embrace me.

"You're so frail that it keeps breaking my heart again and again. You must be stronger than this, Lydia. How else will you manage in this cruel world?" he mumbled in my hair. "My brave girl... We'll show them, you and I – they will not beat us to the end. Remember that we need a declaration of war only to live a lawless and wonderful life."

"There's nothing very wonderful about that." I sobbed, and forced myself to pull away from him.

Everything got too much for me. Too overwhelming.

"Do you love me Pip?" I asked him seriously, staring at his face and searched the truth.

"I…" he started, a bit taken aback by my sudden question, and trailed off to silence.

"Do you?" I asked sternly and he sighed softly.

"I can't say." he said, but it was an awful, heartbreaking answer that sounded like a question.

I stared at him blankly.

"You think I'm ugly." I decided then and there, in my own realization.

Pip looked alarmingly surprised.

"Never Lydia!" he scolded me.

"Don't be ridiculous." he said, staring at me almost manically with both hands holding my face still. "You are lovely, even defiled with deer blood." he assured me and I laughed in his hold, even though it was a terrible thing to laugh about.

"Ugly..." he muttered with a grumpy chuckle. "Can you even see _me_ now, or is this whole mess happening because of my accent?" he asked, putting the joke on him. But that didn't even work a little bit because Pip was beautiful from every angle.

"But why won't you tell me?" I asked stubbornly.

"That I love you? Well, to start with… I'm not a very romantic person to be honest." he said, now standing beside me casually without touching me as in to prove that point.

"But you're French!" I said, wanting to believe in the rumors about Paris being the city of love and all those other romantic and passionate stereotypes about his homeland.

"You haven't met many French men in your life then." he chuckled. But he looked at me later with excited eyes, like he was having a good idea.

"Do you know what the Swedish and nordic ancestors did?" he asked and I looked at him curiously.

"You mean the Vikings?"

"The Vikings, yes. When a man found a woman he liked, she was his wife whether she liked it or not. She was pulled by her hair along the road to his home and was destined to be in love with him ever after." he told me like it was the most common thing, so it was hard to know if it was a filthy joke or true fact.

I stared at him for snubbed moment. Then reality came back. One week left. Then he would be gone. I wouldn't be able to talk to him then, not about Vikings, not about smurfs, not about anything, and not even _before_ _that_ either because I'm wasn't allowed to.

I let out another shout.

"Oh Pip! Just pull something over my head and shoot me in the leaves too!" I complained.

"You don't believe I would actually pull you home by your hair, do you?"

"I could let you kill me. I would be fine with it." I said, half-joking and half-serious.

I would actually rather be killed by the man that I loved than by a fox trap.

"You don't mean that." Pip said, looking slightly disturbed but a little chuckle had rumbled in his throat. "And even if you did, and I did just that; whatever would happen to me then? I'd rather die myself than to be put in jail for being the assassin of the girl who gave me her heart."

He took out yet another cigarette and I put it on fire for him again.

"I can't ignore you for another week Pip." I told him after he removed the cigarette from his mouth. His free hand suddenly reached out to my face and he rubbed his thumb on my chin, angling up my jaw a little as he investigated me with his eye.

"You got lots of blood on you. You scared the living hell out of me when you came running towards me like this you know… and it's not often I can say that I'm scared." he mumbled, pulling away to put the cigarette back into his mouth.

"You ought to take a shower, Lydia. I can't remember you like this. There will be enough of brutality as it is where I'm going." he said to me kindly and deadly seriously at the same time.

My hand clutched the lighter.

"Yes… I should go back." I mumbled against my will.

"You can use my shower. The others won't be back until supper, right?" he asked, and it made all of my anxieties disappear because he made everything appear so easy. So easy that we were walking back to the boarding house together, hand in hand. It really felt like a dream.

But still, Pip was armed with the rifle again and I had my little souvenir from fairy-land tucked into one of the pockets of my school uniform.


	15. Étienne de Silhouette

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

All the showers in the boarding house had refillable liquid soap containers attached to their walls. The soap worked as an all-around shower gel that you could use for your hands, body and hair. Having brought my own shower necessaries for my stay at the boarding house, I had never used the included shower gel. Not until I needed to borrow Pip's shower in his suite. He didn't have his own shower necessaries, Pip.

Yet, it must have been like luxury to him.

The scent of it was surprisingly good, especially in Pip's shower for some reason, and it later hit me that the smell reminded me a lot about him.

 _Well I would certainly use this shampoo more often in the future._

It was a quick shower for me that mostly consisted of washing off all the blood. My skin crawled when I saw the white checkered floor get colored by red blood-mixed water. The soap made the outcome pink, and I realized that most of the deer's blood had gotten in my hair since strings of red danced down my shoulders and chest.

When the water no longer were red, I turned the shower off and stepped out with a big towel wrapped around my body.

Whilst dressing, I did the forbidden thing again... I snooped.

Pip didn't own many things. Like previously mentioned; he neither had any own shampoo or shower gel, although he had a bottle of shaving foam and aftershave, and a deodorant of the same brand. A well used blue and green toothbrush that looked to be in need of a replacement rested on the surface beside the tap on the sink. He had plenty of one-time razors, including an electric one that looked to be very expensive, so I supposed one of Pip's hygiene priorities was to keep his face clean and free from facial hair. It was just enough for a man like Pip.

I could see him sitting in a ditch somewhere with a broken mirror piece in his hand and a razor – or perhaps a knife - in the other whilst his men were shooting things.

I tried to pretend that I didn't see the several condoms in the locker I opened. I sort of blamed myself for opening up the locker in the first place, where he also kept a box of painkillers and a bottle of mouth wash that would soon be empty. Just in time for his depart. I closed the locker with a sigh.

Before going out from the bathroom, I stopped dead in my track as I happened to glance down at the toilet. I made a grimace when I saw a few cigarette butts floating around in the water.

"Oh, Pip…" I said to myself and closed the toilet lid and flushed away his leftovers. Then my matters were done in his bathroom.

I unlocked the door (yet again Pip had wanted to share a shower with me so I needed to be on the safe side) and walked into his large bedroom.

His back was facing me from where he was seated on the bed. He was up to something.

"At least flush down the cigarettes and don't let them float around in the lo, Pip." I said, sneaking up behind his back until my knees bumped into the side of the bed, opposite from where he was seated.

"You haven't even finished school and you're already sounding like my beloved wife." he mumbled merrily without turning around.

I wasn't sure if he meant it in a negative or positive way so I remained silent. My eyes traveled from his hatless head and followed his freed braid down along his spine. It went all the way over his belt and ended on the surface of the bed where it lay in an installation that reminded me of the form of a snake. It looked like art.

I always wondered how Pip would react if someone pulled his hair. I wondered if some poor unfortunate soul already has done that and gotten away with it in one piece. I decided it then. Someday I would figure out what would happen by my own hand. Maybe after Poland. Maybe.

When I didn't answer him, I saw Pip turn his head slightly to the side, but not enough to see me.

"Don't tell me I offended you, love?" he asked. "Did you get silent just because I-" Pip stopped himself in mid-sentence and mid-movement as he had turned around to see me standing only two meters behind him in my underskirt and tank top. He stared at me for a moment.

"I've been waiting for you." he said with a smile. He reached out his hand for me to take. When I grabbed his hand after crawling upon the mattress, he pulled me down to sit on his lap, lifting me from the middle of the bed to where he was, my legs dangled over his and the edge of the bed. My arms were loosely around his shoulders.

"I can't believe you're smoking in the bathroom. Isn't that unhygienic?" I asked him softly.

"Unhygienic? I don't know... It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea about smoking indoors; when everybody was too naïve to know that it was a danger to the human health. I'm suppose I'm just a bit naïve…" he said, trailing off as he adjusted the thin strap on my shoulder that had gotten twisted over my skin.

"You have an answer to almost anything, don't you Pip?" I asked him with a smile. His big fingertips were warm and slightly chapped as they explored the structure of my collarbones and later on traveled down my arm and stopped in the middle of the limb, grabbing my elbow carefully. He stroked the inner side of my arm with his thumb.

"That's right." he said with the most charming full toothed smile and caught me off guard as I suddenly felt his other hand on the back of my head, pushing me into a sturdy kiss.

I didn't know what to do with myself when he leaned back and I ended up straddling him. My knees were pressed down onto the mattress next to his hips. But we tumbled and fell like bowling pins and our bodies collides at the impact. The pressure of the kiss got too much for me so my face bolted away from his.

My hands were in small pitiful fists on either side of his head and I was looking down at him timidly.

Pip was horrible, because he began laughing at me.

I could've just rolled off him if I wanted to, but it was easier said than done. Being the person in dominance was someone I would never feel comfortable being with Pip. I didn't like looking down at such a strong man in that gallant manner. Anyone else might, but not me.

Yet, I liked being that close to him. It was the best feeling I yet had experienced.

"As despicable as this may sound… I'd rather feel your sweet breath on my face for one brief moment than trade out dollar bills to spend whole nights with prostituted strangers." Pip said; his words felt weighty and struck a cord in me for many reasons. But it was the way he said it to me that made my heart melt.

He sounded so crestfallen and grateful at the same time.

His large hands were stroking my lower back tenderly. I closed my eyes when he reached up to kiss my forehead. And then my temple. My cheek. My other cheek. The corner of my mouth where he remained still for some time.

"I'm in such an uncomfortable position." I said, opening my eyes. I giggled awkwardly as I rolled off him and slummed down next to him on the mattress. My arm went over his chest as soon as I lay snuggled into his side, wanting him near me but wasn't ready for going further with him. I had a long, strange day.

"What a mood-killer you are." Pip muttered and smirked up at the ceiling.

"That poor fawn. It must be lying out there all alone." I said, remembering why I was here together with Pip in the first place.

"You still think about that?" he asked, only half-surprised.

"What if crows already start picking on it?" I asked, looking at him in worry and he looked back at me with a clueless expression. "Do you think they will remove the fox trap from its leg before they bury it?"

"To be completely honest, I don't think they will bother bury a baby deer with a blown head Lydia."

When Pip saw my fretful expression, he cleared his throat. He was silent for a moment before finally saying the most cliché thing in the book.

"It's in a better place now."

"More blessed then us then." I mumbled.

When walking from the forest I had told Pip about everything that happened with the meeting with Miss Hepburn, and the prep talk with Minnie before that.

Everything except the Smurfette-matter. I couldn't let him know that Minnie had been snooping in my room and confiscated the toy I got from him. He might've found the information silly or unnecessary, and wouldn't care at all. And he might've put something over Minnie's head in her sleep.

When I told Pip about Minnie, Pip had said; _'You have a lovely friend there. Let's hope something runs over her.'_

"I must go soon." I said, trying to sound as less miserable as I could.

"I'll send your clothes to the laundry and address them to your room." he said

"Thank you…"

Darn it.

"Your lighter is in the pocket of my skirt." I said, feeling sulky about not getting through with the stealing.

"Skirts have pockets?" Pip asked.

"Ours do. But they're not very practical. Another lighter and the seams would snap." I said and giggled at my own remark, coming to think about a memory. "Dorothy ruined one of her pockets the same day we got the uniforms. She didn't like them to start with so it was a rough start for her."

"Dorothy is popular amongst my men." Pip unexpectedly informed and I looked at him curiously. He scratched his chin, looking at me drowsily. "Too bad she had to get through with a man like Jerry."

"A man like Jerry?" I asked. I knew Jerry was a knucklehead, but hearing Pip refer to him like that all of the sudden made me curious.

"One war in particular had shaken him up and made him very angry. He'd been seriously wounded and started to drink more than was good for him. Two years of cleansing, he signed up to be under my command."

"And then all his anger made him bald like a plucked chicken." I filled in, stealing one of Dorothy's proclaims on the man who had broken her heart. Or left a little scratch on it.

Pip looked at me with a bemused wide smirk.

"Some women find bald men quite virile." He said, defending the guy code.

"I find Leif virile." I blurted out, coming to think about him all of the sudden.

Leif was a manly man who loved beer, and I would prefer him next to Jerry any day, even though he was quite old and a little instable.

"No honestly. I think he's cool." I said after seeing Pip's snubbed expression.

"Lydia stop that." Pip said, pinching my nose, and I laughed, flinching away.

"He's Dorothy's number one fan so you better not get your hopes up puppet." Pip said, pulling me back to him slightly with a grab on the back of my head.

"You must be joking." I looked at his face, not really wanting to believe him.

"Are you jealous?" he asked, stroking a finger behind my ear.

"Of course not, but… You're joking?"

 _ **Dorothy and Leif?**_

"No. On the contrary, I actually have a letter from Leif to Dorothy that he given me to post." Pip said. "I suppose he didn't have the courage to deliver it himself."

I sat up and looked at him seriously.

"I could give it to her. Pretty please Pip, let me." I asked of him, dying to see Dorothy's reaction with my own eyes. Pip wasn't nearly as curious as I was. He put his arms behind his head and let out a sigh.

"On the desk." he said, and I almost leaped towards it.

Dorothy had actually gotten a proper letter in an actual envelope this time.

I held the letter and walked back to Pip's bed where he was still resting. I looked at the piece of paper and back to him, biting my lip.

"Shall we read it?" I whispered to him.

"You naughty girl…" he said slowly with a toothy grin. I looked at him, affronted.

"I know you want it too Pip." I said, not wanting to be blamed for my nosiness alone.

"Only if you'd be a dear and read it out loud for me."

I glared at him first, but then I cleared my throat.

"Alright." I said with my nose in the air, maintaining my poise. The joke wasn't on me anyway. Even if reading out loud was awkward, I could sacrifice a bit of my dignity for Pip just once. No problem.

To my surprise, Leif's handwriting was neat and legible to read and luckily enough, the envelope wasn't glued together so Dorothy wouldn't suspect a thing. Not that I think she would be offended by this; she'd more likely want to burn the letter altogether.

 ** _"'Dearest Dorothy Knowles…' -_** He knows her last name, Pip." I said and received a proud little smile when I was looking up at him for a second until I was back on focus. **_"'You might already be aware of the fact that I will be leaving soon. I don't know if you care about that it's me leaving, since my presence have been as camouflaged as your beautiful silhouette that I sometimes see from behind the floor draper in the dining room. As the wonderful silhouettes'-"_**

"Silhouette." Pip suddenly interrupted. I paused and looked up at him in confusion.

"You pronounced it wrong. Two times." he said and sat up to glare at me.

"Silhouette?" I tried again with craven caution.

"No, Sil ** _houe_** tte." Pip corrected gently in the heaviest French he could master.

"Silhouette." I said, trying my own French accent. But I seemed to have failed to impress Pip, who just glared at me with an appalled grimace, like he would burst out any minute now. In laughter or tears I couldn't tell.

"What the hell was that? The French would eat you alive, Lydia." he muttered in disappointment.

"Oh, that's why the word is so important to you. It's a loanword from France." I said and rolled my eyes at his bigheaded Frenchness and continued reading. I've sure had heard of the French people being proud of their heritage so I didn't take this to my heart.

 _Unlike someone else..._

 ** _"-of the memories and far-fetched daydreaming. But-"_**

"Stop reading. You must pronounce it right first." he said with a suggestive flick of his large hand, allowing me to make a fool of myself again. "Go on."

"Pip." I said seriously, my hand holding the letter dropped to my side in early defeat.

"Silhouette." Pip said bluntly and I groaned, finding this whole thing embarrassing.

"I can't do this." I told him.

"Yes you can. Say it." Pip stood up from the bed and walked to me.

"No. You're only making a joke of me." I refused, taking a step back from him with the letter in front on me as a shield.

Pip stopped and stared at me.

"Silhouette." he said.

"You should hear _you_ saying it. You sound like a French robot with only one word programmed." I said with a pout, trying to insult him back as best as I could.

"You would be surprised at what more I have programmed in my system. Say it Lydia or I'll have to sit down and teach you everything."

"SILHOUETTE!" I roared in surrender.

I don't think I've ever seen Pip look so insulted in my entire life with him.

He was frowning and gaping at the same time.

In fact, he looked traumatized.

At first, I assumed he reacted like that because I had screamed at him in a way I never had before, but I was proved wrong when the captain clicked his tongue and shook his head in disappointment.

"Oh là là... Alas, Lydia! Étienne de **Silhouette**! It can't be that difficult!" he exclaimed, doing that silly gesture with his fingers that people do when they want to prove a point. "At least try to put some sexual passion into it." Pip said like the most downhearted language-teacher in the world.

"I might rip this." I said bluntly, threatening him with the letter.

"Fine then. Hopefully you won't stumble across that word again and give me a second heartache."

I glared at him, actually feeling slightly upset.

Pip noticed. "I'm sorry. Come sit in my lap." He pulled me to him and we slummed down on the bed again and I started reading from where I left off, even though it didn't seemed as fun as it once did.

 ** _"But I shouldn't be speaking about you so off-turn. Have I done something extraordinary for you to have that permission? No. But I will do what any other soldier would do for the woman they love; when a grenade threatens his commander, I shall threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt. Because nothing pains a man more than having his feelings not acknowledged. If I die or not... Good luck with everything. In reality, and in the madness of theories. I haven't even kissed you, but I will comfort myself with the thought that I at least I haven't been another Jerry. – Leif"_**

Pip and I stared at each other, not knowing if we should laugh or cry. Pip was the first one to comment it.

"Wow. This story is almost sadder than your French..."

I growled and pushed against his chest but he captured my wrists swiftly. I glared at him with boiling shamefacedness. The letter was still held in one of my hands.

"I will miss you Lydia. Truly." he said and every little pigment of anger vanished. I ended up looking at him with hopeless, seduced and loving eyes.

"But tomorrow, I assume you have to fool yourself that I'm invisible." he said without sounding upset, but every word was painful to hear.

"How is that even possible? You stand out like a red nail Pip." I said, letting out a dry laugh.

"It's the hair isn't it?" he asked with a white grin and straightened his back. "Or my stance." he said with his nose in the air; mimicking the image of a Greek statue.

"No it's everything." I told him sincerely in contrast to his jokes. My gaze got stuck on his uniform jacket. On all pointed pieces and sewn-on patches.

"Some men love uniforms and medals but never really connected them with fighting." Pip said when he noticed me staring, like it was a response to an untold question. "But… Aren't them for fighting?" I asked timidly, to which Pip chuckled at.

"I adore your innocence so much, but they're not for fighting, Lydia…" he said seriously.

I wasn't sure if he was joking with me or not. But either way, I found his words alluring and absolutely ridiculous.

"You mean _I'm_ naïve for not knowing they're for lovemaking?" I asked him, assuming that was what he meant.

I started laughing then and he grinned at me, probably because that was the first time I had laughed together with him for a long time. It made me realize that, of course, he wasn't being serious. He just wanted to make me laugh.

"Your laughter is satisfying to hear, but if you laugh at what I say next, you might actually kill me Lydia. For I am about to say something very serious… Perhaps even shocking." Pip said, and even though I thought he had stepped overboard a little, I closed my mouth and tried to take him as seriously as I possibly could. But my dimples must have betrayed me.

He urged me to come closer so that he could whisper to me. He did this by leading my arms around his neck so that I was seated properly in his lap, like a child. I looked down at him half-curious and half-frightened.

"Sorry if I'm talking out of turn now but may I ask you a bold question before you're gone?" he asked, and I nodded.

"Lydia, did you ever consider… making love with me?" he asked and I looked at him with a shocked frown. It might have been the first time he had used the term 'making love' without making fun of it.

"Pip!" I gasped, pulling away from him, but not completely.

"I'm sincere." he said.

Of course he was. I could see that this was something very important to him. I also knew what kind of answer he wanted from me, but I didn't know if I was brave enough to let him know the truth.

How would I ever survive the week if he walked around with that information in his brain?

"That didn't shock me." I lied, only to jump off the subject carefully.

"The sweet gasp you made when you said my name told me otherwise." Pip said, tilting his head to the side with a grin as he looked down at me. I tried to come up with something to say, but it was difficult when he was looking at me like that.

"Oh, don't squirm on my account." Pip laughed. "You're so wonderfully sweet that you thought it was something offensive."

"Wait a minute…" I said carefully, tilting my head too. I leaned onto him as we both breathed softly onto each others lips. I looked down at his beautiful mouth and then we made eye contact again. Our noses nudged.

"Have you, Pip?" I asked and my heart skipped a beat in replacement of that question. Pip started snickering lowly, but there was still that seriousness about him that gave me goosebumps.

"Ever since the day I gave you my name and to this day when you came out from the bathroom... Even now." he spoke against my lips and I held onto his shoulders for dear life as I felt myself on fire. Dorothy's letter from Leif got compressed in my hand.

I felt dizzy, having him so near me and my breath got caught in my throat.

Pip pecked my lips and pulled away.

"Forget me and be happy, Lydia." he said to me. "Then, when I'm no longer here with you. You must think of me as dead."

He entangled me from him, lifted me off his lap and stood up from the bed with a grunt.

"Promise me you'll be alright Pip." I said to him when our eyes locked another time.

"I'll be alright, and I'll be enjoying myself." he said with a grin, sounding just like someone who would be on a journey of discovery in an exciting country with high tourism. He pulled me up from his bed with a force so strong that I stumbled into his firm built. "Now go to sleep and dream of a better man." he said in a low, bitter voice.

"A better man?" I asked him and laughed half-heartedly. "But Pip you're the only-"

"That's why I need to set you free." he interrupted gently. "Please understand Lydia. This is as regrettable as it is."

I began breathing heavily and I felt my brows furrow upwards on my forehead. Something within me felt extremely bad and wrong. I could never leave Pip.

"Pip, I think I…"

I looked around anxiously feeling my heart speed up tremulously.

"Uh-uh, uh-uh." Pip says softly and leaned down to my level. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little.

"Lydia, there is no point in panicking now." he said, interrupting my silly little panic attack.

"I'm still here and I'm well enough here for you, always. You hear me?" he asked and I nodded at him, feeling my eyes sting.

"Tell you what." Pip said with a refreshing, heartening smile. "You and I will meet again; away from prying eyes and away from all the Minnies and the Hepburns in the world. I hope you're hearing this, because you now have my words."

His voice was so soothing that it almost made me fall asleep standing up.

"Yes Pip." I said at last. My heart pounded in my chest, like it was warning me of my own, upcoming words. "I must do you justice and tell you that I've considered what you asked of me earlier. Many times." I told him shamelessly, feeling my cheeks sting and pretty much my whole being tingle.

"You better leave now then, or I might do something with you that you'll live to regret." Pip said and took a sharp step away from me with his shoulders back and his large hands in the pockets of his trousers. It was a defense. A protection. But not for himself.

"Goodnight Pip." I said at last, in retreat.

"Goodnight Lydia. My brave girl." he said. Everything seemed so easy for him.

"I..." I began, but I stopped myself.

 _I love you._

The easiest way out of this was the hard way. The cold way.

I needed to make a sharp turn and march away from him foot by foot to not be stuck in his company any longer. And when I left Pip's room and the Wild Geese dormitory for what might've been the last time, it didn't feel as heavy as I thought it would.

I was floating like a lightweight through the corridors, with fewer clothes, a love letter to my friend and mixed memories from the man of my dreams.

But of course, I knew Pip would still be there when I woke up the next morning.

That's why I wasn't put to death just yet.

But so far, I could live on, even near prying eyes and all the Minnies and the Hepburns in the world.


	16. Bullet

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"Oh my gosh."

I've never seen Dorothy so emotionally overwhelmed before. Not even after Jerry had decided to break her heart. Not even when she had failed all of her poetry classes or when her mother had decided to make a surprise visit about a month ago. She was forced to eat both lunch and dinner in the company of Miss Hepburn and her mother. I remembered her pleading glances over tables and chairs, asking for help.

But however should I help her now?

"Oh my gosh."

Dorothy wasn't very creative with her words, except for when she talked to me in our newfound military language that was constantly developing. For better or worse, I didn't know.

I couldn't help but feel bad for the girl. Firstly, when she had gotten Leif's letter from me this morning, she had grasped it in an irritated seriousness and sat down on her bed and read through it quickly with furrowed brows. Somewhat like an office worker who already had so much to deal with would handle yet another task. But shortly after reading the content, she read it another time properly. That time her eyes were filled with confusion and curiosity; nose wrinkling in disgust, lips pouting, fingers clutching the letter in nervousness and perhaps annoyance.

It was impossible to know what went through her mind, but it must've been an entire circus.

"Oh my gosh." she said again for the uncountable time. Her hand slummed down in her lap with the letter. She spaced out for a minute or two, and I sat down carefully next to her.

"I'm sorry about something…" I told her, suddenly feeling awful about snooping in her post.

"We- I mean Pip and I, read it before you received it." I admitted shyly.

Dorothy looked at me.

"Well that must've been a laugh." she said sarcastically.

I bit my lower lip, feeling guilty.

"Are you mad?" I asked.

Dorothy shook her head and looked down at the letter.

"It's just… strange. What will I do now?" she asked, waving the piece of paper in her hand like a flag. "Would it be cruel if I ignored him?"

"Do you want to ignore him?" I asked back.

"No. Yes! - I don't know!" she said hysterically, putting her face in her hands.

I never thought this would touch her so deeply. I was expecting laughter above anything, but she seemed to react in all kinds of ways; everything else except amusement. She sniffed loudly and looked at me suddenly.

"How did everything go with Pip? Did you say goodbye yesterday?" she asked.

"Yes but-"

"How was it?" she suddenly asked, and I looked at her in confusion. "Ugh! Never mind…" she mumbled and stood up from the bed with the letter in her hand.

"I just don't want to experience something similar, not that I'm keen on Leif or anything, I just don't want to say goodbye. I can't say farewells. I'm not like that. It's awkward for me Lydia, do you understand?" she rambled.

She stopped and looked at me with horror.

"And if I do, he might kiss me!" she realized. "And then I will let him go with false hope, and if he returns then he must sweep me off my feet and we'll marry… Oh my gosh."

"Aren't you over-thinking this a bit?" I said, resisting a chuckle.

"I have every reason to! You've read the letter haven't you? It's obvious how serious this is to him, and if I don't act soon, he will think I'm a spoiled heartless brat."

"But… You must like him a little too, since you're reacting this way?" I suggested carefully, feeling smart.

"Oh, Don't be daft Lydia!" Dorothy groaned and slummed down beside me again.

"He might die." she said and sounded so serious that I was convinced that he actually would. Then I started thinking about Pip. He might die too.

We sat in an awkward silence for a moment.

"Show me the dead deer." she suddenly demanded.

"What..." I said. "Why?"

"Let's just get my mind out of this, please Lydia." she said and stood up, still holding the letter.

"But I don't think it's still there Dorothy. The nature facility must've removed the body already."

"I don't care. There might be some blood or brains or something; some kind of trace right? Leftovers. Come on. I want to know where you found it anyway."

 _Leftovers_.

I gave in to her wish and we walked through the corridors of the boarding house from her room. On our way out, Dorothy folded Leif's letter and put it carefully inside a public trashcan outside, making the father, son and the Holy Spirit sign with her hand.

"Are you sure? You might want to keep it." I said to her, even though I somewhat understood that she had her reasons.

"We're different Lydia. I think of things better forgotten." she said to me and smiled sadly.

"Perhaps a kiss would make up for it?" I joked.

"What the heck. Perhaps I should kiss Leif before his leave, just for the sake of it. That kiss might save his life. I don't want to be the reason he fall." Dorothy said with a chuckle.

I didn't say anything, but deep down I really hoped that she would.

* * *

The deer was gone from the forest, just like Pip had promised and there was no sign of the fox trap either. I couldn't even find my notebook anywhere. I sat with Dorothy on a big rock.

"Did you see him shoot?" Dorothy asked curiously.

"No. He advised me to look away, so I did."

"A wise choice. That must've been the last time you saw that apron." she said, and we looked at each other in disgust.

"You didn't sleep with him, did you?" she asked.

It was odd because she said it in a more overall manner, like when you ask someone about something or someone from the past.

But it was nearly so. Pip would be a part of my past soon. One week didn't really change that.

"No." I said, sounding neither sad nor happy about that.

"Do you wish you had?" she asked, and I giggled half-heartedly. "That was somewhat what he'd asked me too yesterday…" I said, remembering our conversation in his suite last evening. "I said to him that I did consider it."

"What did he say then?"

"He asked me to leave." I deadpanned with a laugh and Dorothy stared at me in amazement.

"If only Jerry had done that... You don't know how lucky you are, Lydia." she muttered.

"Yes I do." I said and smiled at her.

"Maybe I should kiss Leif after all."

"Maybe you should."

The forest were silent. A bird sang somewhere in the distance. Dorothy sniffed and giggled.

We both bursted out laughing in the woods. We startled a crow to the point that it flew into the crown of another tree and crashed into thin branches and leaves. That made us laugh even more. Poor little crow.

Dorothy suddenly stopped laughing, like someone or something had interrupted her.

"What's that?" Dorothy asked me and pointed at my shoes.

I looked down in confusion, still feeling the grin on my face. What was wrong with my feet?

But nothing was wrong with them. On the side of my heel lay a black little object that looked unfamiliar. I had never seen anything like it before.

"I don't know." I said curiously and picked it up. It looked like an old battery, but without the sticker and the text label.

"Let me see." Dorothy said and leaned towards the object. "It's like a bullet or something…" she mumbled in fascination.

She looked up at me.

"Do you think it's the bullet that killed Bambi?" she asked.

"No. It must've been stuck in its skull." I said, although I wasn't sure.

"Probably." she said and sighed. "It would have some brains and blood on it too." she added, almost like she was disappointed it wasn't covered in it.

"But don't bullets explode?" I asked her, tilting my head to the side while looking at the old battery thing.

"I've heard they multiply to a group of bullets after getting fired; you know like these riffles guns. That's why they sound so much." Dorothy thought out loud.

"Or do they just disappear altogether?"

Dorothy and I stared at each other, both of us utterly dumbfounded.

We decided to drop the subject completely.

Because it's so easy to say dumb things about things you know absolutely nothing about.

* * *

"If we see Leif now, I will die." Dorothy declared on our way back to the boarding house through the forest.

"Perhaps we could give him the thing. He might know what it is." I suggested, half joking and half serious.

Dorothy had insisted that I should keep the thing we found, in case we would have some art project or something in the future.

"You do that Lydia, but I'll hide." she said gruffly and I laughed.

"Oh my gosh… Why are they training shooting now all of the sudden?" she asked.

"What?"

The Wild Geese were once again occupying the field. They weren't there 15 minutes ago. It was going to be awkward because I wasn't ready to see Pip so soon, and I knew there was one person Dorothy wouldn't like to meet either.

Luckily, the rest of our classmates had dinner.

"Do you think they can see us?" Dorothy asked. We were laying down in the borderline between the forest and the field, like both of us thought that was the one and only right thing to do. Although I don't think any of them would care if they saw us, they were way too focused on the training.

"I hope not. Have you seen Leif yet?" I asked, scanning the crowd of leaping men. I couldn't see Pip either.

"No… I swear to God just kill me now Lydia." Dorothy whined and put her face in the grass. It looked strangely satisfying so I did the same. We lay there in silence, Dorothy and I, listening to distant masculine shouting.

For a moment, I wondered if we should lay like that until the training was over, but then we had to wait until the afternoon tea.

"Are the two of you alright?"

 _Oh my Lord._

When I glanced up, a man was looking down at us about two meters away. He looked to be around Pip's age and was armed with a riffle.

"Can you shoot me?" Dorothy asked the stranger who surprisingly didn't move a muscle at her bizarre request. He was just looking at me, still expecting an answer to his question.

"We're playing soldiers." was the first thing I came up with.

The man kneeled down about one meter in front of us then. He had sharp, blue eyes and a red hat with an emblem in the center of it. I don't know why, but he somewhat looked Russian.

"Your clothes will get dirty." he said to me, or us, tucking his weapon away behind him and away from sight.

"Well what doesn't kill you," I smiled and something glistened in his eyes. "Makes you stronger." he filled in, in a broody mutter and I noticed the beginning of a smile on his face.

But then, he was back to his serious self and cleared his throat.

"We must have a care for feminine sensibilities – They are finer and more fragile than our own. This isn't a safe place for you. Neither of us would want you to get hit by a bullet, and just for the sake of training hours feels even more awful." he said.

Right then, a loud shot was heard and Dorothy and I covered the back of our heads, eating the grass again. I felt a large hand on my shoulder and I saw blue eyes.

"You understand?" he asked with a calming smile.

"Y-yes. Come on Dorothy." I stuttered and stood up clumsily, but Dorothy refused to move.

"I can't. Not if Leif's there!" she protested in irritation.

"Leif? He's in town." the soldier said and Dorothy bounced up from the ground like a five year old.

"Well then." she said, dusting herself off. She grinned hugely. "Playtime's over."

I also had my own luck. I neither saw nor bumped into Pip as we walked back to the boarding house, taking a shortcut around the field to the main entrance. When Dorothy and I entered the reception, Miss Hepburn was standing by the front desk, like she had been waiting for us the entire time.

"Miss Knowles." she said when she saw that Dorothy and I approached her.

"What's up?" Dorothy asked casually, although I noticed confusion in her eyes, but Miss Hepburn didn't have to say anything more.

Because we both saw the letter in her hand.

The letter that both of us had read.

And probably Minnie as well.

* * *

"This is so unfair! My feelings aren't even mutual!" Dorothy protested in the chair in Miss Hepburn's office. I was asked to be here too.

"But the letter is a proof that you must've had contact with that man, and on a deeper level." Miss Hepburn said calmly. I got terrible nostalgia showers from my last meeting with her, in this very room where she had forbidden me to have a life with Pip.

Dorothy turned to me with a blunt expression.

"Can you believe Minnie went through a trashcan just for this?" she asked me.

"This isn't about Minnie." Miss Hepburn implied. "Both of you girls have had relationships with men from the mercenary army and how many times must I tell you that it is not allowed?" she asked tiredly, yet sternly and looked at us both from behind her desk where the letter was resting like a living proof on the surface of it.

"There's just one week left." I heard myself mumble. I seemed to have caught Miss Hepburn's attention then and something in her expression changed. "One week." I repeated. "One week. Then they will be gone. Perhaps forever. " I said and silence entered the little office. Even Dorothy decided to not say anything.

Miss Hepburn let out a sigh. She looked at Leif's letter, then at Dorothy and then back at the letter. Her neat hand tapped it and pushed it slightly towards us.

"I hope it will go by quickly then, to spare both of you the burden of their presence... Behave, and be prepared for the worst. I won't say that it will be easy for you." she said without looking any of us in the eyes.

Dorothy didn't look one bit interested in the letter, so I grabbed it for her instead, because I knew she really didn't want to get rid of it in the first place, and we both got dismissed from that awkward meeting.

We weren't all that different, Dorothy and I.

We both thought of things better to be remembered.

For better and worse.

* * *

 ** _Poetry class, 12:40._**

We talked about nursery rhymes and Shakespeare. We talked about Greek poets and French poets. We talked about Sappho and we talked about Jean De La Fontaine.

It somewhat felt like we discussed everything.

The conversations between Miss Hepburn and random pupils in the class expanded and scattered and trailed off to almost anything. And it destroyed me. It was like everyone were trying to avoid talking about what was going on a few corridors away, downstairs in the entrance hall.

It was Monday. Oh horrendous Monday.

The day the mercenary army was packing and leaving and would be gone for three months or forever.

 _12:41._

We were still in the same building, Pip and I, but we wouldn't be after 13:00. That was when they would depart and drive to the airport. The flight lifted after 15:30.

 _12:43._

My heart was beating irregularly, and suddenly I wasn't satisfied with our sensational and emotional farewell about one week ago; A week that had fulfilled Miss Hepburn's hopes about passing by quickly, without any interaction with any of the mercenary men.

 ** _12:45._**

Those four numbers struck a string in my heart. It was a warning bell. An awakening. My last chance.

I stood up from my seat and the chair got knocked down to the floor and I earned looks from every single soul in the room that fell silent. Miss Hepburn stopped herself from continuing talking about Astrid Lindgren, a Swedish author, and gave me a concerned look.

"Lydia?" she asked me in worry, but I got the impression that she knew.

She stood up slowly and put her hand on her chest. She looked at the door to the conference room, and glanced up at the clock above it and looked back at me. She looked nervous. Her lips were cursed. She didn't like this. She was against this. She didn't want to allow this.

Yet, one hesitant nod from her was all that it took for me to leap out from the room without excusing myself.

I heard Dorothy shout my name after me, but I ran faster then, escaping from myself and whatever my life was like earlier. Pip was now the only thing that mattered in the whole universe.

It was like I had teleported myself in the matter of only a few seconds because I suddenly stood in the entrance lounge, surrounded by big brown/green sports bags and boxes of wood and occupied men in military wear who helped each other to carry them out from the boarding house.

It was chaos.

I looked around the lounge after him like a lost child in a crowd, and when I saw him near the reception desk, closing a trunk with equipment, I felt my eyes sting and I was relieved and devastated at the same time.

I approached him as fast as I could, knowing that the time was 12:48, and when he noticed me and he looked confused and only a little bit surprised, I threw my arms around his middle and wanted to disappear into his red scarf.

When I felt his large hands on my back, I began crying like a mad person, or a person that had lost everything, and had it all back.

"You're all for cutting and running, aren't you my dear?" he muttered, sounding both disappointed and concerned. He hadn't shaved. He must have been really busy.

"Why do you insist of having an open wound instead of a clean break?" he asked in my ear, holding me closer and closer to him.

All buttons and straps on his uniforms felt like little pieces of warnings that clarified our differences, but I didn't care how unpleasant it felt because I still couldn't hug him hard enough. I could never affect him as much as he could affect me.

"You must come back and you must be unharmed and you mustn't do anything stupid. Promise me, Pip, you must promise me, Pip." I begged of him.

"You're very free with your musts." Pip chuckled, but it only made me cry more.

"Lydia." he said under his breath, fanning me with warmth. I closed my eyes, as in capturing him in my senses. He grabbed my wrists carefully.

"I can't live without you." I decided then and there.

"Oh really, my dear, shh…" Pip muttered, with yet another dry laugh and I didn't know what it meant.

Did he really think this was something funny?

"Don't you fret, Lydia." Pip said and pulled my hands low, pinning them down in-between us like he didn't want them near him anymore, but he was smiling at me and his eye was filled with kindness.

"Things will work out." he assured, letting go of my wrists and hands.

I was too shy and too cowardly to reach out for him again, but that was all I wanted to do.

"Pip." I said. "Pip, I-"

"You're beautiful Lydia." he suddenly said, and even though he had said it before, it took my voice away and I was not able to form a single word to him after that. He smiled anew, like he was aiming for my speechlessness and leaned down to pick up the trunk on his shoulder.

We were the only two in the entrance lounge.

"Keep the lovelight glowing, and don't make any trouble." he told me.

I walked with him to the exit, but I stopped by the doors, and so did Pip, if only for a short moment. He looked down at me one last time.

"And Lydia..." he said in a bittersweet merry tone, and for one last time, my heart got filled with nothing but dangerous hope.

He was smiling when he spoke, but his words hit me harder than any hand could.

"Never do this to me again," he said. "Never."


	17. Staying mad

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

" _Gone mad_ is what they say, and sometimes _Run mad_ , as if mad is a different direction, like west; as if mad is a different house you could step into, or a separate country entirely. But when you go mad you don't go any other place, you stay where you are. And somebody else comes in."  
― **Margaret Atwood**

* * *

A few minutes later, I was locked away in my room and I felt jumbled and abandoned, not even knowing what my purpose there at the boarding house was to begin with.

School no longer felt as important or necessary to me as it once did, and I even began to question myself and my own integrity. The large house felt empty and boring, and nobody who still stayed under its ceiling was interesting to me.

"Lydia." Miss Hepburn was sitting behind my resting form on my bed. I felt her eyes on me the entire time, but I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or simply felt sympathy for me.

"Lydia, you've done a hard thing today, one of the hardest things of all." she said thoughtfully.

I still couldn't tell if she was on my side or not. I stared into the wall and swallowed something in my throat. Her words were kind, but they still didn't change anything.

Pip was no longer there. Pip was gone. Forever perhaps.

"Thank you for your vote of confidence." I mumbled bitterly.

"Now I want you to listen to me..." I felt her petite hand grab my shoulder harshly, but it didn't make me turn around. I lay still as a rock, frozen in unhappiness, only a little bit frightened.

Miss Hepburn didn't let go of me as she continued talking.

"Your dear Mister Bernadotte and the Wild Geese are gone to Poland and it's time to draw a line under this whole unfortunate episode. I cannot hide that I find your situation revolting but, whether you believe me or not, I am not entirely unsympathetic."

I turned around slowly, in curiosity perhaps. Then, I saw something in her lap. Something I had seen before.

"Upon that man's return, I shall write a perfectly acceptable explanation to the principle, for you to have permission to see him, but only to have a few exchanges of words. More than that must wait until after your graduation, or you might as well have to leave school altogether in order to have your little love affair with him." she said, sounding as strict as she possibly could, but I knew she meant well and it was wonderful news.

But yet again, it didn't make Pip come back and all I could manage was a sad smile of mild gratefulness.

Miss Hepburn let out a sigh and her eyes darted away from mine as she stood up. She put the object she had brought with her on my nightstand.

"Until then, I would advise you to be a bit more self-supportive and never look back." she said before she was gone from my room and closed the door behind her gently.

As soon as she was gone, I sat up properly and turned to my nightstand.

Smurfette. She had given me Smurfette back.

* * *

'Be more self-supportive and never look back' had been Miss Hepburn's advice to me.

 _ **advice n. 1** guidance or recommendations offered with regard to future action. **2** a formal notice of a sale or other transaction. **3 (advices)** archaic news. – ORIGIN ME: from OFr. avis, based on L. ad ´to´ + visum, past part. of videre ´to see´._

Dictionaries rarely made me any smarter.

Yet, when I sat there, locked away in my room with the heavy black book in front of me, I couldn't stop myself, and the list went on...

 _Advice. Armor. Army._

 _Blood. Braid. Bullet._ _Cigarette. Cognac._

 _ **Dead**. Deer. __Dynamite._

 _Education. **Embassy**. Embrace. Empower. Emotional. Enemy. _

_Faith. Falter. Fanatic. **Fawn**. Feminine. Fire. **French**. Forest. Funeral. _

_Gallant. Gas mask. Great Hat. Heart. Heat. **Hero**. Heroic. _

_**Hole in the heart.** _

_Horrific. Hug. Humble. Hysteria. Incredible. Illegal. Insanity. **Intercourse**. Irresistible. Jawline. _

_Je ne sais quoi (I do not know what)._

I did not know what.

After using a red marker to highlight every word I felt had a connection with Pip, I went to my drawer and searched after his old cigarette package and opened the lid up, and I put the little box to my nose and smelled it for a long time. It didn't smell anything like him, yet I felt him somewhere in my senses and it made me feel much calmer.

I placed the package on the windowsill next to Smurfette.

I wasn't satisfied with this mere collection.

I needed more.

* * *

Even though it was a new day, a new blank page to fill in without including Pip, and he was gone to Poland, I could still feel his presence in his room. He felt so close, like if I had turned around I would've been embraced with muscular arms and suffocated with tobacco smoke.

But Pip no longer stayed in this room, even though he had left pigments of himself everywhere.

Then it hit me…

He hadn't checked out for good.

He would come back someday, and I didn't think he would've traded this room for the world. It made sense in the oddest of ways. But why would Pip leave his bedroom open for anyone to enter? Unless he knew me well enough to know that I would come back here on my own.

I closed the door behind me, like I had always done whenever I visited Pip in the past, in fear of someone who'd discovered whatever would've happen inside the barrier of these walls. But there was no privacy in this room, in this house. Only bedbugs called Minnie. But Pip's absence gave me hope. There was no longer anything worth spying on, so I could do whatever I wanted. I could heal however I decided.

The bed was unmade. Without any hesitation, I approached it and lay down without removing my shoes. I breathed in his scent from the bottom sheet, the duvet cover and the pillows. It was like he had been laying there two minutes ago, but that wasn't the case at all. He must've landed in Poland by that exact time.

I saw a long golden auburn hair strand and I caught it quickly, like it would disappear if I didn't act fast. Then I twirled the hair around my finger caringly, making a small ball of it.

I put it gently in the pocket of my skirt.

* * *

"Lydia, you must come quick." Dorothy grabbed me by my arm, appearing out of nowhere when I entered the lounge. "It's an emergency."

"An emergency?"

"It's Felicia."

In a jiffy, we found ourselves in Felicia's room. The curtains were covering her window and only the light from the nightstand was making us capable of seeing our blonde friend in a ball on her bed. She looked devastated.

"You must show her." Dorothy demanded from her and Felicia looked at me like she just had committed murderer. On accident.

"Oh Lydia!" she said, and tears welled up in her eyes. I sat down carefully next to her, not leaving her with my eyes.

"What's the matter?" I asked, and as in answering my question, Felicia leaned forward and pulled up her nightgown. I could see her white and pink underwear, but that was the least shocking of things.

Because on the side of her hip was a part of large tattoo, stuck on her skin.

I covered my mouth at the sight of it. It wasn't pretty. It was located on the side of her lower back, on a very odd location on her body that didn't make sense at all.

Girls usually put tattoos in the middle of their backs, but this… _thing_ was placed on the side, like she had stumbled and fell and received a large bruise in the size of big zucchini.

The first thing I came to think of asking was, "Is it real?"

My question made Felicia burst into tears and Dorothy glared at me. "Of course it's real Lydia, and don't you think it's your dear Pip's fault."

"Did Pip give you this?" I asked Felicia in horror.

"Of course not! But he should be better at keeping track on his soldiers. None of them seem to have a caring bone in their body. Look at this thing!" Dorothy exclaimed.

Felicia's glossy eyes darted at me, and I saw some hope in them.

"What does it look like to you?" she asked me, sounding suddenly calm and collected and I bit my lip. It was like guessing the motive of a badly drawn picture from the hand of a five year old.

"Is it…"

It looked like a half moon stuffed with garbage.

"A taco?"

Felicia started crying again.

"It's supposed to resample a shipwreck, Lydia." Dorothy said angrily. "But I don't blame you. I thought it was a banana at first. A banana on fire..."

Felicia stared at Dorothy in shock. "You said it looked like a wrecked pointe shoe!" she exclaimed in disappointment.

Dorothy looked offended as she tried to think of something smart to say back to her, but she only ended up looking, well, offended.

"Who did this to you?" I asked Felicia calmly, trying to not sound as curious as I was.

"Ken, something… American." she said without looking at me, letting out a groan. "I am so stupid. My parents will kill me if they find out. They're Catholics, and now my body is soiled."

"I guess we're two then… My body is soiled too, but at least farthead Jerry didn't leave a mark on me this clearly." Dorothy said and I was uncertain if I should laugh or not. "Well at least we know why you've been avoiding us lately, for this long time." she said, trying to be optimistic.

"Why did you want a shipwreck tattoo, Felicia?" I asked her.

She told us she couldn't answer to that.

* * *

We were seated in one of the tables in the corner of the dining room. A round table that previously had been occupied by Pip and his closest mates.

"Which cigarette butts do you think is Pip's?" Felicia asked me.

It was a ridiculous question, but since it was about Pip and nothing else, it was important as well.

After a while on consideration, I rolled up my sleeves and reached out to the ashtray. I sorted all the different cigarette corpses into little piles.

"There." I said casually and pointed to the pile nearest myself.

I knew it was Pip's cigarettes because of the little label by the border in-between the tobacco and the soft sucking piece.

"Shall we start smoking as a protest?" Dorothy asked so seriously that I almost believed her.

"It's against the rules isn't it?" Felicia implied, and both me and Dorothy nodded bitterly, all staring at the ashtray.

It was obvious. We all missed them. Even though I almost got expelled, Felicia got a ghastly tattoo upon her skin and poor Dorothy got her virginity stolen and her heart smashed.

Minnie was the only person who was unaffected by all of this, and even though she was included in my mess, it wasn't really fair to blame her for everything. But we would never let our guard down. We needed to protect Felicia's secret at all costs, because that secret is stuck to her for the rest of her life.

"What will happen when they return?" Felicia suddenly asked, and Dorothy and I looked at each other before staring at her.

I didn't think any of us had considered that. It was possible they would return, yes, but not a guarantee.

Half of them might've gotten killed or hurt.

I wondered if Pip ever would return in one piece and appear visual and real in front of me. How would I react then? What would I do? What would I say to him? How do you treat a person coming back from such a mission? What would be wrong to do? What would be thoughtless to do? Wrong? Heartless?

What would be the _right_ thing to do?

What if he had forgotten about me?

"I would give Leif something to remember, that's for sure…" Dorothy mumbled in despair and rested her dark head of hair upon her crossed arms. "I suppose I owe him that for avoiding him like the plague those last days he was in this house." she admitted.

What did I owe Pip?

* * *

I had visited Pip's room every day since he had left.

Sometimes, when I didn't have much time, or generally didn't feel like it, I just peeked my head in. Other times, I would fall asleep on his bed with my shoes on.

I was at my last visit the first month with him gone.

But to my sudden shock, I couldn't open the door. Fear striked through my heart and I began pulling and pushing the door, too much in panic to remember which way it was.

Just when I considered banging and kicking the door, or ask for the key in the lobby, the door opened and a cleaning lady stared at me.

"What are you doing?" I asked her rudely, and she blinked at me calmly. "My job." she answered, holding up the shaft of a mop. I felt my heart break at the sight of this woman in the light blue cleaning uniform.

Of course it was wrong of me, but I hated that woman.

"Is this your room, Miss?"

"Yes- No… I mean, sort of…" I waffled. The woman blinked tiredly. She had bags underneath her eyes.

Before I continued with my argument, she said: "Well if it is, then you've been moved to the floor above to a standard room, number 389. I'm sorry, but I'm not responsible for these decisions. It's all in the information sheet I got this morning. Do you wish to see it?"

I didn't answer her question and I didn't wish to see any information sheet. I turned my heel and walked away so that I wouldn't bother this woman anymore. Pip's suite was no longer Pip's suite anyway, because she was cleaning him away right now, and it made my blood boil.

 _389\. 389. 389._

I was frowning all the way to the top floor. What did she mean "been moved to the floor above to a standard room"? Did they move his stuff just so that some lovesick couple could invade his suite? It made me angry. It was just like they had assumed he would never return.

Room 389.

Without even thinking about asking for the key, or knowing if it was possible to even enter the room to begin with, I just pulled the handle and pushed open the door in irritation to the simpler room without hesitation.

"I hope you don't mind me ambushing you like this."

My breath left my chest and my frown disappeared in bashfulness as I noticed a person sitting up in the bed. I almost fainted when I saw that it was him. It was Pip, right there in front of me. Living. Breathing.

"And I certainly hope I'm a surprise and not a shock." he said with a chuckle, but I was too dumbfounded to react, and I was too scared to leave the doorway.

It was like he had returned from the dead.


	18. Inferno

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I couldn't believe it. I had wandered around the house like a body without a soul, and there he was.

He wasn't wearing a shirt. A bandage was crossed and tied over his chest. I saw his belly poke out a little bit, erasing the thoughts of him being a starved soldier coming back home. His legs were covered with a knitted blanket; the same blanket being in all rooms of the boarding house. A dark blue blanket, that looked so special just being in bed with him.

"What's with the bandage?" I asked, carefully closing the door behind me. "Oh, Pip… What's that bandage about? What happened to you?" I asked in panic, yet managing to sit down gently on the mattress beside him.

Pip was scanning my face thoroughly with his one eye. "Lydia." He grabbed my hand before I could say anything. "Kiss me." he said seriously. I shook my head, wanting to cry.

"I can't, Pip. Not until you've told me what happened. Why are you back here so soon?" I asked, and Pip sighed, like he knew I would say something like that.

"I don't want to be a sick man in your eyes for the next months to come, Lydia." he said, coughing harshly afterwards, like a dying person and I held onto his hand like he previously held mine. I wanted to tell him to stop, but that wouldn't be fair or make any sense at all. A man coughing like that would stop if he could.

"Don't worry Pip. I shall look after you." I said when he was done coughing, letting go of his hand to touch his warm cheek. Pip laughed.

"I'm sorry to spoil your thoughtful moment, but I can't allow that. Don't break any rules for my sake. It's too much of a risk for you." he said with a smile, reaching up to remove my hand.

"I don't care about some silly rules anymore Pip. You are more important to me." I said and looked disappointed at our hands.

"That's what I was afraid of... but what would my men think of it? They'll call me names for pulling you into trouble." he said, and I snorted a laugh. "They're just jealous." I said, not meaning to sound as convinced as I did.

"You mean for having their captain taken cared of by a little girl?" Pip asked, and I looked down in my lap. "I wish you knew how much I want to help you and look after you and I _will_ take care of you while I can Pip and I will hate you for the rest of my life if you deny me that." I said, without daring to look him in the eye.

"This isn't fair. I'm placing you in an impossible situation..." Pip grunted as he sat up. He clutched his side and growled in pain. My gaze darted at him on alert.

"What is it?" I asked, examining him in worry.

"My rib." he said. I frowned as I watched his wrapped torso. "What will happen to you Pip?" I asked, fearing that he would return to Poland as soon as he felt the slightest bit better.

"What do you think will happen with a broken rib? The fairies come?" he asked me with a teasing glance.

"I'll be your fairy then." I said and smiled, and Pip moaned, making me jump.

"Could you…" he said in a hoarse voice, but I was already at it. "Yes?" I said and Pip nodded in the direction I came from.

"Behind you, in my trunk." It sounded like something important, so I jumped off the bed and stumbled towards his already open trunk. "Inside the revolver case." he said from behind me and I followed his instructions awkwardly.

I expected it to be some kind of cure, a medicine or painkillers, but it wasn't any of that. In fact, it wasn't for Pip at all.

I picked out the thing that seemed to be the most accurate one, and I pulled out a bun of red fabric, and I later on realized that it was a ribbon. A hair ribbon. Not anything like the light blue I had been wearing since I first got my uniform but a bright red one.

It seemed so unharmed, like it just had been bought from a textile store and taken out from the plastic bag.

I held it in my hand and examined it for a long time, almost forgetting all about Pip.

"It's for you." I heard him say from the bed.

"But why? Did you get me this all the way from there?" I asked, confused and flattered.

"Yes. I brought it here just for you in my luggage, along with my manners." he said.

"I'm sorry, Pip, I'm just..."

And there I went again. Crying.

"Guilt has the power to make all of us do strange things." Pip said with another laugh. "Don't make me feel more guilty, what kind of madness will I put myself through then?" he asked when he noticed me crying.

"Thank you." I sniffed. "Well that didn't hurt at all did it?" He smiled with his teeth and I went back to the bed and crawled up next to him.

Pip's gaze relaxed on me, and what I held in my hands, while he made room for me, and settled his arms around my body. The ribbon had been rolled out to a beautiful tangled mass of silk fabric, and I held it in-between us as we both examined the bright colour together like we were under a spell.

"As part of the Polish folk costume, the women wear this band in their hair as a traditional symbol. I couldn't help but think about you when she mentioned it." he said, and I looked at him in curiosity at the mention of this other person.

"She?" I asked.

I hated how quickly I had caught up with it, and how jealous I must had appeared as my eyes watched him carefully in suspicion. Pip was still looking at the untangled ribbon, unchanged.

"Pip." I said strictly.

He licked his lips.

"Yes, Lydia. I went to bed with a Polish woman. We had sex a few times." he answered back just as strictly. He had said it quickly, like he had accidently blurted it out. Yet he had said it like it was nothing, and that was what hurted the most.

His gaze dared to face mine and I felt myself gape. I couldn't really react to what he had told me, so I just sat there, completely still with his arms around me, and I looked at him until my eyes got blurry.

All kinds of disgusting images and scenarios entered my mind then, and I couldn't overlook them because I knew he was there; his face were behind the shield of my tears and he was staring at me, like he had stared at the woman in Poland, and probably many other women before that, and women soon to come.

"I need sex, Lydia. I'm sorry it disturbs you." he told me shamelessly.

It sounded like he was about to laugh at any moment.

I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hate him for this, but I couldn't find a way. He was just being honest with me. And the truth hurt.

Any clever girl would have left him already. But I had missed Pip to the point that I no longer had any common sense in me. I let my blurry gaze drop to the red ribbon, and then I slummed my head on his bandaged chest and shut my eyes.

I pretended that I hadn't heard him.

"Lydia. I've always thought of you as a sweet girl." I felt his large hand pat my back, almost as in comforting me himself for just breaking my heart.

A sweet girl. That was all I was to Pip Bernadotte. Pip Bernadotte who just confessed his lustful sins to me, but at least I wasn't a one-night stand out of many. I wondered how many people Pip had slept with, forgetting their names and their faces.

But what about my name and my face?

 _ **A sweet girl.**_

"I'm not the man you've thought of these past days, Lydia. I am karma, gone to hell. We make a living taking lives of other people, but true love is a luxury none of us can afford. Lydia-"

I escaped from his hold then. Hearing him say my name, and everything before that, made me feel more repulsed than moved. I had always imagined Pip being on a mission, risking his own life and hearing the sound of bullets. Not being with another woman.

I suppose that most men are agreed with liking sex, but actually hearing him say it out loud felt really awful and disturbing. It made me wonder what he took me for.

"Lydia, don't go." he said.

I was so unprepared for everything.

Pip had arrived from Poland, given me a Polish hair ribbon, informed me about having sex with a Polish woman who had given him the idea of giving me the ribbon from Poland. Because of Pip and Poland. I suddenly disliked everything about Poland and sadly everything about Pip. My love Pip.

All that longing and waiting. And hamstring. For absolutely nothing. I saved his hair for God's sake.

For what? Pip didn't even care for me. He didn't miss me at all. No. He must have. He gave me the ribbon. The ribbon. I turned around then, and walked to his bed awkwardly and sat down next to the mass of ribbon, and began twirling it into a bun that once was.

Of course I couldn't leave that behind.

"Lydia..." Pip said. His voice made me stop and look at him. He had the power to do that to me. Always. Reject all sorts of directives and focus all my attention on him and just him. Even if everything around us were on fire.

"You would never sleep with me, would you?" he asked me, and I glared at him. "You wouldn't, because you think that I only want to fuck you and throw you away afterwards, because that's what soldiers do." he said and watched me thoroughly.

"That's what you think, don't you?" he asked me, and it was hard to accept that it was Pip asking me this, looking at me completely empty of emotions. I felt how distressed I must've looked as I searched after a single sign of mercy on his features. He gave me none.

"If that's what you think then you might as well leave me now, Lydia. Get the hell out of here."

It felt like the best thing Pip has said to me since his return, so I stood up instantly but before I left, Pip grabbed my wrist and yanked me down to him. My other hand needed to steady itself somewhere so that I wouldn't fall on top of him, so it involuntarily grabbed onto his thigh, dangerously close to his manhood.

I had no choice but to look into his piercing jade eye. He glared at my face, his other hand not holding my wrist had grabbed my other limb, holding the flesh of my upper arm firmly. "You know Lydia..." he said in a bitter mutter, glancing down at my lips afterwards. It was like all air in my lungs vanished.

"In some parts of my mind, there's room just for you. Sometimes, I even fantasise about you, imagining the two of us…" he looked at me with a recharged smile. "And sometimes, that is enough for me." he said.

I stared at him and I felt flames all over. But there was no fire. Just Pip and I and our forbidden fantasies, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

He suddenly grunted in pain, whatever was going on underneath the bandages bugged him. My hand flied away from his thigh and he gave me permission to pull away.

"Pip?" I asked hesitantly, feeling bad for being so selfish, whilst having Pip so badly injured.

"I'm fine." he said.

"What happened?" I asked carefully, putting the ribbon in my skirt pocket.

"I've broken a rib on my left side and one lung collapsed, but it got saved in a nearby hospital by a cross and red-faced old woman. I won't be able to go back in mission any time soon." he explained.

I was both sad and happy about those news. It was like keeping a wild animal for another week instead of returning it to the forest where it belonged.

We looked at each other, and perhaps for the first time, things felt so awkward that none of us could keep our eyes focused on the other. But I felt his large hand on my knee, for only a short while. It was a gloomy, fatherly touch that was so pitying and sad that I wanted to scream and when it was gone, my heart sank far down in my chest, merely beating at all.

"I'm… I'm glad that you're back." I said, afterwards dreading that I might have said something very stupid. But I heard I delightful sigh from Pip.

"I want to be with you until I no longer can. As long as possible. Even if you hate me." he confessed.

I smiled at him. Everything suddenly felt so much lighter, like something in Pip had changed.

"And I'll look after you." I told him, not knowing what the sudden flare of hope came from.

"Better avoided, Lydia." Pip quickly turned that idea down again.

"I just want to make things easier for you, Pip..." I told him sadly.

"For me or for you?" he asked, and his question stole my voice away.

Then it was settled. I needed to leave the room to sort some things out on my own.

I stood up, and I walked away with the ribbon like I had intended to do.

It was the best and the worst day of my life.

* * *

I lay awake in my bed in the middle of the night. Everything that had happened previously felt like an illusion. Pip was back from Poland, but I still felt as miserable as I did when he was gone. If not even more. For all I knew then, I didn't know who I was. With or without him.

I didn't care about anything. Not even when light from the constant lit corridor entered my room as the door opened and closed to my room. Not even when a person approached me and sat down on my bed. I just moved closer to the wall, and the person lay down beside me.

"You're crazy." I whispered to the presence.

It took a while until the presence spoke back to me.

"I might love you."

"What?" I asked, hearing those words.

"I might love you, so that makes you right Lydia. But that's as crazy as I allow myself to get."

I knew that there was no way for me to fall asleep after knowing that.

"But how can I be sure you're not just telling me this because you want to... you know...?" I asked.

"You can't. It's all up to you. Either you believe it or you don't."

I came to think about something. Suddenly everything mattered. Even the smallest of things.

"There's something I must show you Pip. It's a curious thing." I said and climbed over his body, careful not to hurt him, yet I felt his entire body tense and he told me to be careful with a fretting little groan.

I turned on the lamp near my nightstand and walked over to my drawer and opened it, feeling slightly embarrassed for the collection of stuff I had collected during Pip's absence.

I opened the empty cigarette box and took out the strange thing Dorothy and I had found in the forest.

"I've found this." I said to Pip and dropped it in his outstretched, warm hand.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at him curiously. Pip did not look as impressed as I had expected him to. But then again, why would he be impressed by an object that he most likely saw every single day of his life as a mercenary?

"It's a bullet socket." he said as he stroked it with his fingers, obviously familiar with it. "Where did you get this?" he asked.

"In the forest."

"You certainly like being in there, don't you?" he asked with a smirk, putting the bullet thing to his temple.

"Dorothy wanted to see the dead deer." I said, like it was the most valid explanation in the universe. "She got in trouble because of Leif you know." I said, reaching out to take the bullet back (having it so near his temple made me uncomfortable) but he wouldn't let me have it. He captured my hand instead.

"This... is nothing for a young lady to keep in her drawer." Pip said, gesturing to the bullet.

I was slightly surprised. Pip usually didn't mind me gossiping at all, but perhaps the bullet was a more fun subject to him right now.

"But I can't have _you_." I whispered to him whilst examining his face in the table light. "Not the way I want."

"How do you want me?" Pip asked, tossing away the bullet socket on the carpet like one of his cigarette butts and leaned in towards me. He removed some hairs from my sight and put his thin and downturned lips against my cheek. I felt his hot breath as he whispered to me. "Before or after marriage? How tightly do you hold the reins to your morals?" He kissed my skin softly and hard at the same time.

I felt his thorny facial hair scratch. "Perhaps you want me to plant a baby inside you... for us to have a family. Shopping for home decor... Helping out each other with taxes... Eating instant noodles through tougher times..."

Suddenly, something dangerous happened. His large hand suddenly touched my upper thigh and made a fast loop around my groin, touching my crotch with his whole hand. It happened so suddenly and fast that I had no idea how to react. I was completely caught off guard.

I looked at Pip in disturbance, asking him what he was doing.

His hand remained put and all he said was: "You don't even seem to know what you want yourself. You should give that some thought." He ended that sentence with a gentle squeeze that shot a bolt of shivers through my entire body and made me react in a violent way, pushing him away from me.

I ended up pressing up against the wall beside my bed, folding my legs up like a shield.

"Please leave." I said to him. "Now."

He obeyed my order, leaving the bullet socket on the carpet and left me in the dark.

I breathed heavily, abondoned in my room and wished for the thrilling sensation to go away too, but it remained the entire night and drove me to insanity.


	19. Spread-winged

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Dorothy and I had been moral support to Felicia ever since we discovered the ghastly shipwreck tattoo upon her skin. Her parents would come and visit her at the boarding house, and she was gambling whether or not she would tell them about this horrific deed. But there was one little problem.

Her older brother Oscar had already beaten them to it.

He was sitting in Felicia's room, and it was an unexpected shock to Dorothy and I. The sight of Oscar sitting by Felicia's writing desk made Dorothy want to slam the door shut and pretend we had entered the wrong room. In the past, Oscar had been so obvious with his liking towards her that it was cringy.

"Hello Dorothy. Hi Lydia." he greeted us with a silly smile and rose up from his seat to shake our hands awkwardly. Dorothy stared at me pleedingly when I greeted him back with a simple "hi" and Felicia sat by herself on the bed.

An awkward silence entered the room. The main reason we had come here was to discuss the tattoo problem, but having her brother here made it a little bit more complicated.

Suddenly, a strange laugh left Oscar.

"Well don't be shy." he said and crossed his chubby arms over his chest. He was wearing a white t-shirt that looked a little bit too small on him. Dorothy slurred at him.

"Well you have every right to! - Come on, Lydia, let's come back later when the room is lunatic-free." she said and grasped my upper arm, ready to drag me out.

"I already know sis got inked." he implied casually, making Dorothy and I stop dead in our tracks. Felicia started sniffling. I felt myself gaping slightly. Oscar was no one to be trusted.

"You're not going to spoil this, are you?" I asked him carefully, dreading he would tell their parents before Felicia got the chance. His dead blue eyes glared at me and a slug smirk appeared on his small mouth, exposing his large front teeth.

"It depends." he said, like he knew something we didn't.

"What do you mean 'depends'?" Dorothy spat at him, but even so, his eyes were still set on me.

"Let's say, if I'm to keep the secret for you... it would only be fair if I got something in return..." he said and stepped towards me. It made my skin crawl.

"Do you want to kiss me?" I asked (supposed) in shock.

Without warning, I felt two damp hands on either side of my face as he leaned down and put his mouth right on mine. Just like that. It was like recieving a kiss from a little boy who kissed for the very first time in his life, because the kiss itself was so blunt, almost artificial.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I heard Dorothy howl in the middle of it all, and it gave me the courage to push away from him. I covered my lips with my hand, and I thought about Pip.

Of course I thought about Pip.

How could I not, after having him visiting me in the middle of the night, telling me that he might love me?

Felicia had left the bed.

"Oscar stop being such a jerk!" she said to him.

He turned to her and waved his hand nonchalantly, like she was an annoying bee.

"Shoo! If your secret is about to be kept; I want some love from your friends here... Now, Dorothy. It's our turn." he said.

Oscar went and kissed Dorothy next, and all she did was standing straight as a pine, clutching her fists; eyes peering forward without emotion and mouth shut, like moving her lips would kill her.

"Bastard." she told him in one breath after he had pulled away. All he did was licking his lips.

"I'll tell you my room number if you want some more." he said to us, winking at me before leaving. It was like he had planned everything before-hand.

When he was gone, Felicia approached us, panic and shame in her face.

"I'm so sorry." she said, and anyone could tell she would start crying again soon.

"It's okay. I've kissed uglier frogs before..." Dorothy muttered, wiping her mouth. "But this one tasted like baby vomit."

* * *

In order to keep Oscar from spoiling Felicia's dirty little secret, we had to play an unconditional game of _"kiss and don't tell"_ with him. To make matters worse, he could show up when you least expected it.

He had found me alone by the water tap after lunch.

"Lydia." he said, approching me with his dumb smirk.

He was only one year older than me, but he was tall and had much fat on him, but he wasn't obese. He simply had the physique of a lazy person. A home-stuck with too much time on his hands that was involuntary active in church thanks to his Christian parents.

I closed the water tap and turned to him.

"This is getting ridiculous. You're much better than this, Oscar." I told him.

He continued smirking and leaned in and kissed me for the second time.

I frowned as he walked me into a wall and kept me there, and just kept kissing and kissing me, until I no longer could take it. I hated having him near me. He felt so young and cowardly.

I pushed him away from me with all of my strenght.

"I'll come back for you." he panted. "And if you're not friendlier then, I might tell on my sister." he said, but his warning did not frighten me as I quickly hurried away from him.

That madness needed to stop.

I needed to find Pip as soon as I was able to. I would visit him right after our last class.

And I would tell him everything.

* * *

"I told you I would come back for you Lydia."

I couldn't believe it. Felicia's mad brother was following me through the hallways.

My heart was beating hard in my chest and I had never wanted to see Pip as much as I wanted to see him then. Not even that one day when I found the hurt baby deer in the forest.

We were far away from the conference room and the girls' bedrooms, yet he had followed me all that way. But Oscar knew very little about how things were running at the boarding house, and I had a feeling he would find out soon.

"Ah, I see!" he exclaimed as I stopped in front of Pip's door.

"Now I know where your room is. Might as well..." he said, thinking that room 389 was mine.

Before entering Pip's room without permission (knocking on it would've raised suspicions) I heard Oscar say: "It doesn't matter if you lock yourself in, I'll just wait for you until you come out. You might as well freshen yourself up."

I hurried into the room and locked the door behind me.

The French balcony was wide open and filled the room with fresh outside air.

Pip was sitting half-naked on the bed with a history magazine nonchalantly on his lap and a cigarette in his mouth. He looked quite surprised when he saw me, like he never expected to see me this particular afternoon.

I hadn't seen him since he sneaked into my room in the middle of the night and touched me in that vulgar way. And now I was there with him again, hiding away from a completely different offender.

"Felicia's brother is stalking me." I told him seriously. "You know Felicia? The blonde girl who once fancied you and later on Javier. She got tattooed by another one of your men, a friend to Javier I think. Her brother has been threatening us with telling her parents about it, so he uses that to take advantage of me and Dorothy." I explained to him as thoroughly as I could.

Pip turned a page in the magazine and glanced at me.

"Ken told me she's from a Catholic family, but that seems rather unorthodox of him." Pip joked, biting on his cigarette. He only seemed quite amused by this information as he blew out a portion of smoke over the magazine.

I had no idea who Ken was, but he appeared to be the one responsible for putting permanent ink on Felicia. I didn't bother to think about him though since all I could think about was Oscar, who was standing outside at that very moment.

I looked at Pip, who was everything but him.

Pip, who was well-lived, and had leather skin instead of juvenile soft.

Pip, who was a man with boundaries instead of a lovesick boy.

Vibrant, outspoken and charmingly carefree Pip. Sharp as steel.

I hesitated once before saying it out loud, and when I did, my voice cracked.

"I'm afraid of him." I said.

The sight of his widened eye made my gaze sore, because I realized that it was actually the truth. Oscar had been horrible, and he had managed to lay claim on me. I felt how weak I was, and how I needed protection.

"My dear girl. You've been spooning with a mercenary, and a church boy frightens you..." he said, magazine still, smoke dancing in the air. I couldn't keep it together. I thought about all those disgusting kisses.

"He's outside. He's been following me." I said, taking a few steps towards him.

In that same moment, four loud knocks could be heard from the door to his room.

"Yeah?" Pip asked with a frown, putting the magazine aside. He stood up from the bed with a soft grunt, still feeling pain in his rib. I nodded my head as I watched him move around the room, casting hasty glances on the door.

I watched him toss out the cigarette from the open balcony, and then put on his pants clumsily, leaving the belt hanging loose around his waist. It was not until he picked up a small silver pistol that things got way too serious and I completely regretted ever asking him for help.

"Pip?! what are you..."

"Stay here." he told me whilst walking past me and ripped the door open.

The next thing I knew, I found myself outside in the corridor (despite his order) and I saw Oscar's tall body pressed to the wall next to a painting by the hand of Pip.

"Why are you here?" Pip asked him grimly.

I've never heard him so cold in my life. Never.

Despite being injured, Pip had managed to stranglehold Oscar's neck. When he didn't answer, Pip took the gun out from the hem of his underwear and put the pipe in his mouth. I heard myself gasp.

"Answer me." Pip demanded, but Oscar could barely manage a single word with the iron choking him.

He screamed out in fear but it sounded more like awkward howling as his eyes were as round as pennies. His young skin was pressed into a double chin that didn't do him justice.

"Oh my God!" Oscar gasped as Pip removed the gun. A piece of salivia was hanging from his mouth. "I just fucking kissed them a few times!" he said, like it was nothing.

"Did you enjoy that?" Pip asked and shot a glance at me. He knew I had refused his order and that I was standing there, but I couldn't find my voice.

"Did you?!" he shouted to me.

"No!" I protested, and the gun went back inside Oscar's mouth.

"Do you enjoy this?" he muttered to Oscar, who shook his head wildly until tears began forming in his eyes. "Why should I stop then? I might as well do it a few more times."

Pip was standing barefoot with loose pants hanging on his hips. His torso was bandaged. His hair was let down in a mess. He probably hadn't had a proper shower since he arrived back from Poland. But he was shining in comparison with Oscar, who faded in the bright light of the cheap boarding house lamp.

But Pip was a savage man.

I just saw him put a gun in a young man's mouth. A boy's mouth. Pip grabbed Oscar by his collar and tore him away from the wall, so he stumbled to the side with a fierce fit of coughing.

"Keep that in mind or I'll come back for you." he told him bluntly.

He began walking back to his room, towards me. I watched the gun nimbly in his bare fingers and I backed away in caution, but Pip grabbed hold of my arm, and led me into his room again.

The door closed after us. We stared at each other in silence without moving.

Keeping eye contact with him, my hand carefully reached out to his that limply hung beside him holding the weapon, and I softly took it away from him like it belonged to me. Pip didn't give away any kind of reaction, like he did once before when I had touched his things in the suite.

My knees bended slightly as I gently placed it on the floor behind my heel and I maintained eye contact with him the whole time. As soon as I was back to my previous posture, Pip looked at me for another moment before cupping my face and captured my lips with his own in a flash.

By that point, I was not certain if I was doing the right thing. But my body and my mind were not collaborating the slightest. I nudged the pistol with my foot as Pip overwhelmed me with his kisses and led me further into the room. I tried to speak to him in-between the kisses in an attempt to refusal but it only made him angle my chin up more so that his kisses became more proper and on point.

It wasn't until we came to a stop by the French balcony that he settled for a break, and his hands touched the fence on either side of my stomach, locking me in with his limbs. I felt the cold wind behind me as I breathed heavily.

"I think I..." I said, but I stopped myself.

Pip appeared satisfied when he glared down at me, yet expressionless.

"Say it." he demanded. I looked at his face, then down and up again. I swallowed.

"I'm afraid of you." I told him, and at first Pip looked a bit startled, but then it was almost like he released a sigh of relief.

His hands on the fence tightened as he leaned down once again, this time kissing my cheek incredibly softly. One. Two. Three. Four times. Repeatedly.

Under my skin and through my blood and inside my bone marrow existed captured wild geese that were moving heavily, heavily. Spread-winged, never releasing their prey.

My arms snaked around his bandaged torso carefully as I began stroking his broad shoulder blades with my hands whilst I felt him peppering the side of my face with kisses.

My eyes were wide open and my mind was a void.

 ** _Why? Why did I want him near me after doing such an awful thing?_**

 _Heaven knew, where spread-winged geese moved heavily, heavily..._


	20. The hymn of Felicia

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Oscar was nowhere to be seen the next day, and I feared the worst.

I didn't dare to tell anyone about what Pip had done, and I only hoped that Oscar was thinking the same. I hoped he had gotten so scared that Pip's sin would stay with him to the grave.

Every minute I was worried that the police would show up and arrest Pip, but the Wild Geese captain didn't seem to worry one bit, like threatening people with a gun was something natural for him, and a part of his daily routines.

The thought hit me that Oscar might've realized how serious his own mistakes were, and therefore decided to keep silent. But then again, we had Felicia's little mistake that had gotten us into this mess to start with, and I had a feeling her brother wouldn't be merciful to her. He would take revenge, and it would affect all of us.

I was right.

Later on the same day Oscar had vanished, his and Felicia's parents were in her room with two large trunks. I was sitting next to her on the bed, silent, whilst she was crying her eyes out. Dorothy was standing up, trying to talk sense into them.

"You can't do this!" she argued. "It's your daughter." she said.

"Correct. Therefore I am obliged to act as a good mother and free her from the depths of improperness that this school have sank into." her mother said, and both Dorothy and I realized then that we could never change her mind.

Her father didn't say much, as a matter of fact he didn't give us any attention at all. Not until it was time for Felicia to depart. Her mother had wobbled out along the corridor with one of the huge bags all by herself and Felicia were sniffing as she slowly packed the rest of her things, including a stuffed puppy dog she had gotten from Javier.

 _Thank God her parents knew nothing about him..._

Her dad looked at us and sighed.

"Sometimes... one is in need of some reflection." he only said and digged inside the pockets of his large coat.

To mine and Dorothy's speechlessness; the man pulled out two rosaries, entangled them and gave the two of us each. Then walked off after grabbing the other trunk, gesturing to Felicia to follow with him.

Felicia looked at us. "I don't understand..." she sobbed.

"Me neither. What the fuck is this?" Dorothy deadpanned, looking at the rosary with a raised eyebrow.

I was just about to tell Dorothy to be a little less thoughtless when Felicia said: "It's a catholic prayer tool."

She sighed and looked around the empty room.

"Well that's it for me then." she said and looked at me.

"Lydia... if Javier ever comes back from Poland..."

"I'll give him your number." I filled in with the warmest smile I could give.

"And adress so he can come and save you from this stuff..." Dorothy said and waved around her rosary, and when Felicia laughed at that, I felt like crying because of so many different things.

Felicia's laugh was a necessary hymn at that sad moment.

It warmed up the whole damned boarding house and pressed small devils into the corners. Angels were looking at us from behind the windows, not daring to enter. But they kept watching.

They always kept watching.

* * *

Dorothy and I sat in the empty cigar bar, our rosaries lay before us on the glass table.

"That stupid Oscar." growled Dorothy. "He took our dignity AND Felicias future here." she said and put her shoeless feet on the table and nestled down in the leather sofa with her arms crossed.

"I should've punched his face in, but I couldn't risk it for Felicia's sake, but I realize now that it wouldn't had mattered. He still would've told them. He got tired of us too soon." she said and I felt a lump in my stomach.

"No Dorothy..." I said carefully, to which she looked at me. "He didn't get tired of us." I said, realizing that I must tell Dorothy about everything. "I need to tell you something."

Dorothy put down her feet on the soft carpet and turned to me.

"Yeah?" she asked carefully. I swallowed.

"A few days ago... I found out that Pip have returned from Poland."

"What?" Dorothy asked in shock. "Why?"

"He's recovering."

"But he's the only one? What about Leif? Or Javier? Jerry?" she asked, and I hadn't even thought about asking Pip about them.

"I don't know." I said, and then I decided to confess.

"I told Pip. About Oscar... And he..."

It was hard to _not_ make it sound savage, but Dorothy wasn't stupid.

"Oh my God, Lydia!" she exclaimed. "You told Pip - a frickin mercenary - about it? What were you thinking?" she asked and I shook my head wildly. "I don't know, I..."

"Then this must be all your fault." she said without sounding judgemental, yet it was hard to know what she was thinking.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I thought I was doing the right thing, and we couldn't go on like that! Come on Dorothy!" I said to her and she got silent for a moment.

"What did he do?" she asked, and the curiosity penetrated her gaze. She moved closer to me.

"He..." I started, but I didn't really want to think about it.

"He..." I said again and Dorothy frowned. "He put a gun in his mouth." I finished, and those words felt very unreal then and there, even to me.

Dorothy's eyes widened.

"Holy shit." she said. "And here I thought telling Miss Hepburn was the final resolution." I looked at her, the lump in my stomach still there.

"Do you think I did wrong?" I asked.

"Running after eyepatch to scare Oscar out of his flesh? I don't know..." she said, but as soon as she smiled at me, the lump slowly melted away.

"Let's go see him." she said.

"What?" I asked. "Do _you_ want to see Pip?" I asked her.

"Yeah, why not? I might as well thank him for scaring the willies out of that perverted knucklehead."

I was slightly nervous about that. Dorothy didn't have an average social filter so almost anything could pass through there and no one but her could do anything about it.

But we went and saw him.

And we took the rosaries with us.

* * *

As soon as we entered Pip's room, Dorothy claimed the space as her own.

"Ah! So the rumors are true then. The army remains conspiracing in the Slavic wilderness and the captain jumped from the ship before it drowned." she exclaimed in a theater-like manner.

I closed the door after us, already regretting bringing her there. She glanced around the room, eyes kept returning to the French balcony which she later decided to have a look at.

Pip stared after her with a smirk.

"Yes I bet Leif is litterally taking a bullet for us all." he said from the bed, cigarette glowing in his hand. Dorothy turned to him with a glare, an outside breeze blowing through her hair. Ribbon fluttering.

"Do you often cause trauma amongst younger men?" she asked and leaned against the fence with her own smirk, arms crossed over her chest.

"And ladies, aye, Lydia?" he said and nodded towards me who stood like a fool in the middle of the room. That was his way of greeting me.

When Dorothy looked at me, she almost looked insulted.

"Barf!" she exclaimed. I didn't know what to do with myself. Hanging out with Dorothy and Pip one and one was fine but having them both in the same room felt oddly overwhelming for some reason.

"Could I have one of those?" she suddenly asked Pip, glancing at the cigarettes on the nightstand curiously and approached them.

"Dorothy!" I called out in surprise.

She waved her hand at me.

"Chill Lydia. I smoked with Jerry all the time. You don't have to start crying..." she said, and Pip looked amused as he smiled with his teeth and watched her steal a cigarette from him, lit it up, and returned to the balcony, glancing out at the view whilst devouring the glowing stick in her own manner.

Pip was sitting on top of the covers, leaning against the wall with a pillow stuck behind his back. He was barefoot, wearing nothing but trousers and a black tanktop. For the first time, I noticed a thick silver chain around his neck; ending behind the dark fabric, so no one knew what was on the end of it.

"He leaves you alone then?" he asked Dorothy and killed his cigarette right on top of the surface of the nightstand. I cringed at the act.

"Oh yes. Jerry is history." Dorothy answered and turned to us so she leaned on the fence.

She licked her lips, glaring at the cigarette.

"What's in this?" she asked bitterly.

Pip pointed a finger at her and shot her a serious look.

"Don't you dare waste that." he said, well aware of the distance to the drugstore in the slum area.

She glared back at him emotionlessly and took another blow on the toxic stick.

Pip left the bed and headed towards his desk, brushing his knuckles softly over my left cheek on his way and I felt a blush attack my face. Dorothy was smirking at the scene and her glare followed him, but she was out of brief attempts to insults and looked at me instead.

She mentioned to the cigarette when Pip couldn't see and made a disgusted expression. I tried to hide a laugh as she pretended to throw the cigarette out from the balcony. Suddenly, her phone rang.

"Shit." she said.

"It's my dad... Do you think he knows?" she asked me, to which I just shrugged helplessly at.

She actually tossed the cigarette out from the balcony this time.

"See you at tea later, my room." she ordered before storming out, slamming the door behind her so hard that Pip's desk vibrated (which was attached to the wall). He looked up in annoyance.

"That girl." he muttered under his breath, and that left a complete silence in the room, except for the autumn wind that blew outside and pulled at the curtain.

Pip sat by his desk, leaned over it. His long braid hung there; the end where a piece of fabric was tied ended about halfway down from the seat of the stool.

I felt calm enough to walk over to him, and when I stood beside him, I gave my own hand permission to touch his hair. Whilst he was scribbling down a few words on a document, I felt it from in-between his shoulderblades and my fingers examined the structure of his braid all the way down to the line of his hips.

There, he stretched his back and my hand darted away, terrified that I had made a mistake.

He stood up from the desk and turned away without a word.

"Pip?" I asked as he walked over to his trunk and opened it, rummaging through some clothes.

It was like I wasn't here.

"I'm sorry I brought Dorothy." I said, considering that that was a reason enough for him to behave this way.

"It was her idea really." I said with a lighthearted laugh and approached him again. "I don't know why she wanted to come her either, I..."

Pip rose up from the floor, turning sharply to me.

"Something is wrong with you. Both of you." he said, and I got a stone in my chest. "You girls are far too naive to realize the true terror of dangers." he said and walked over to his nightstand; taking out another cigarette.

"I don't understand." I said, following him until I stood by the French balcony, wind hitting my back.

"You suceeded. You managed to scare Oscar. He's no longer harassing us. You terrified him." I told him.

Pip let out a sigh of frustration, and for the first time, i saw him reject the cigarettes. He tossed the package on the nightstand.

He looked at me with a seriousness that warned me about saying whatever came to my mind and I grabbed the fence behind me, like that would've saved me from whatever the upcoming moment would involve.

"That was not my intention." he told me and I stared at him until I understood what he meant, and when I understood, I felt confused and oddly calm.

"You didn't intend to terrify Oscar." I said in realization.

"You intended to terrify _me_."


	21. That girl

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"You intended to terrify _me_." I said, my eyes not being able to look at him.

"And that didn't work, did it? Since you're here right now all dainty, bringing your hot-blooded friend with you like this is some kind of fantasy world where you have older armed men to protect you. But you don't realize what we are. What we do. It's not relevant, as long as we're wooing you and contribute to your fantazies. Do you know how many lives I've taken to honor my company and gotten a great sum of cash?" he asked me, and it gave me an awful feeling, like this was just the beginning of an end.

I didn't understand Pip. I thought things were going fine.

"But..."

"Can you imagine someone wanting to go to war, or enjoying war?" he asked and took a step towards me. "You probably can't, but let me tell you something... I do enjoy it." he said, and peered down at me, expecting some kind of dramatic reaction.

I was about to give him one.

"If what you're saying is true, that you enjoy taking other people's lives, then..." I felt a slight madness take over me. My hand gripped the fence harder as I urged myself up to sit on it. "Then I might as well jump from here." I said to him, feeling the wind hit my back once again like it wanted me to jump back inside.

"Get down from there Lydia." Pip said with a serious tone, but I didn't budge.

"No. If ending people's life is so common to you, if you don't value life, then why would mine matter?" I asked him.

Pip appeared completely emotionless when I tried proving that point, that he didn't respect anyone's life. Not even mine. His face was cold and disdainful and his back was straight as a pine with haughty pride.

"You want to play ugly..." he said and moved to his luggage without breaking eyecontact with me.

"I can play too, Lydia."

Before I could blink, he put the same gun he threatened Oscar with to his own temple and I widened my eyes with all my guts glowing in fear.

We stared at each other silently, and by the earnestness in Pip's expression, I knew he was much closer to death than I was. His gaze showed me absolutely no mercy at all, and his body remained still like a statue as he held the gun completely stern in his hand.

"Get down from there." he ordered me.

"Why?" I asked, convinced that he would only make sure that I would leave and that he would never speak to me again.

"Get down from there." he ordered again, louder, seriously, and something klicked in the pistol and my heart made a little stop.

I cursed my lips, feeling my blood turn to ice.

"Lydia, please get down from there. Now." he said. The drama was only voice-based then.

I felt my eyes sting as I realized that I really wanted to. I wanted to get down from there, and I didn't know what I was thinking.

On the spur of the moment, Pip suddenly flied towards me and grasped onto the fabric of my shirt and tugged me away from the fence with one harsh pull.

I let out a small scream as I felt his arms fold around me and I hugged him instinctively as soon as my feet touched the floor.

I could feel his heart pound inside him, reminding me of life and how fragile it was.

"I don't want to die." I told him, drilling my head into his chest, happy to be in the safety of his embrace.

"We all die." he stated, rubbing his chin on the crown of my head.

"But you will not die because of me. Remember that." he whispered.

Just when Pip held me tighter, a few loud knocks could be heard and the door burst open without further warning.

I was certain that it was the police, but when Pip and I parted and looked at the intruder, it was one of his men.

"Captain Bernadotte. The second and third plutons have returned unharmed. The mission is almost completed."

Pip sent me back to my own department, and I obeyed him.

I would never refuse his orders again.

* * *

Even with Pip being back from Poland, living breathing under the same roof, I had never felt so miserable in that house. Quite certain that he had broken my heart for real this time, all I could do was dwell on it until I was blue in the face.

I had told Dorothy about the men that had walked into Pip's room, and that some of Pip's men had returned from Poland. It made Dorothy worry that Leif was one of them. She was obviously not ready for a new love, ironic or not.

She was brushing her hair roughly in her room.

"I thought dad had found out something through Felicia's parents, but he just told me that a person had moved into my old room to pay rent for a year. Horrible news really, but much better than they knowing about Jerry... Right lydia?" she asked me from her reflection.

"Right." I answered meekly from the bed.

"Lydia?" she asked and turned around. "What's wrong?" In the same moment she asked that, my heart sank so much that I found it difficult to breathe.

"He-" I began but i didn't know how to fill in that sentence.

Dorothy approached me and sat down carefully next to me.

"Its not working out for you?" she asked and i nodded immidently, wanting that question gone as soon as possible. I felt tears prick my eyes.

"What do I do now?" I asked and Dorothy looked at me seriously.

Her answer was a surprising one.

"Talk to him."

* * *

The next day, I had spotted a black and white rabbit with a curious pattern outside, previously having walked patiently through the corridors, considering speaking to Pip or not. I hurried down to the bottom floor and went out to the grass field. I saw the rabbit a few meters away, quite certain that it wasn't a wild one and I even considering catching it.

I wondered what Dorothy would say if I returned to her room with a pet.

"Hey check it out!" someone said, and to my surprise I saw a few of Pip's men on my left side.

They were probably one of the plutons Pip's informer had mentioned the day before.

"Ken, give it a try." one of them said.

I stepped back from the group without being noticed and stood hidden from sight.

I didn't want them around when I would attempt to catch the bunny.

Unfortunately... they had a similar plan.

When I looked at the little creature a second time to make sure it wouldn't run anywhere, I heard a loud noise and the poor rabbit tumbled around on the grass, followed by a jubilant choir of roaring laughter from the men. I covered my mouth as I witnessed the horrific scene and watched in terror as the men gathered their stuff and walked back inside the boarding house.

As soon as they were gone, I leaped towards the rabbit, or what was left of it. It was stone cold dead and the bullet had hit the thigh; blowing off it's leg. It was laying upside down, the teeth in the little mouth was showing. I kneeled down about two meters from it and stared at it with a painfull sadness in my heart.

 _"How unnecessary..."_ I heard myself whisper.

"It's cruel, isn't it?" I deep voice asked, and I just nodded, being in my own little world as I felt a person kneel down next to me.

"I hate this sort of thing. Even captain Bernadotte doesn't find it amusing to kill harmless creatures like this one."

The male voice spoke again, making me know he was an acquaintance of Pip.

I turned my head to look at the person, who I recognized to be the soldier me and Dorothy met after being in the forest when we tried looking after traces of the dead deer. He was back from Poland too.

When he looked into my eyes, I remembered those ice blue eyes.

"You know Pip, don't you?" he asked me, but something in his voice told me he already knew.

I nodded nevertheless.

"I do. Perhaps a bit too well." I said and looked at the dead rabbit again.

I heard him chuckle.

"There's always 'that girl', you know. He would proclaim ceasefire just for the sake of seeing 'that girl', and that must be none other than you... Lydia, is it?" he asked and I nodded again, without looking at him.

My eyes were stuck on the black and white and bloody fur of the rabbit.

Hearing that, I had no idea how to react at it, after me and Pip had our dramatic argument where we both threatened to kill ourselves.

"What's your name?" I asked him. I didn't sound very interested. It was just a matter of courtesy.

"Daniel." he answered.

"Most people call me Dani. I'm sorry you had to see this. Not all of Pip's men are this brutal."

I looked at him and his sharp cheekbones.

"No, you kill human beings instead." I said with a meek smile.

He quickly smiled back at me.

"I'm actually a tactician. One hundred percent pacifist for six whole years. I've done my time in the field." he said proudly.

"Doesn't matter. You've killed before." I said and stood up, getting an over view of the rabbit.

I had gotten fed up with men in military uniform.

"What will we do with it? I'm tired of dealing with this sort of thing." I said with a sniff.

Daniel stood up too and put his large hand on my shoulder.

"Our hearts has joined the Thousand. For our friend stopped running today." he said softly, like he was reading the carving on a headstone.

I looked at him dumbly.

"What?" I asked with another sniff.

I was about to cry again. I was certain of it.

"Richard Adams, Watership Down." he answered.

I had no idea what he meant, but that was all it took for me to walk into his tall body and let him embrace me.

* * *

I had tried to fool myself that they were just like us. But of course they weren't.

We were of different breed. Clashing. Neither friends nor enemies.

I sat in silence in front of the window in my room. I had pulled a chair there just so that I could peer at my reflection in the dark evening.

The thought that someone outside had a better chance at seeing me than I had seeing them, didn't frighten me as much as it might've another dark evening. I only knew that the bench in the field was out there somewhere. I could always see it on my far left. Meaning that I almost had to press my nose flat to the glass in order to see it, if I didn't want to bother opening the window, that is.

My thoughts were occupied with Felicia and her awful fate. I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty, even though we all knew her parents would've found out one way or another, and reacted the same way. I was also thinking about the black and white rabbit, that also was out there somewhere.

Or amongst the Thousand.

I grabbed my hairbrush resting on the windowsill and started brushing my hair. The small lamp on the table beside the window had a warm, yellow glow.

I jumped when I heard two impatient knocks. Before I could even turn around, the door opened in the reflection and I saw Pip's tall body enter the room. I turned around in surprise. I had not expected him to come visit me at all.

"A Thai woman went off at me for smoking in the hallway. They suddenly have gained control in this place." he informed straight away, sounding half-annoyed and half-amused.

He slammed the door shut. The lamp with the yellow glow shook slightly.

I didn't really know what to say. I was in my pyjamas and had just brushed my teeth and was almost ready for bed, but he walked straight in here with his boots, a trail of tobacco and outside air following him.

When I looked up at him from the chair, his eye stared at me curiously and his movements got slower, more cautious, in the manner that he might've interrupted something.

He had a large backpack with him, which he nonchalantly dropped to the floor at the end of my bed whilst keeping his eye on me. It was also the first time I saw him in full uniform for the first time since he had returned from Poland.

"May I do that?" he surprisingly asked, approaching me.

He stood behind my chair and leaned over my side to gently twist the handle of my brush out of my hand. His hand collected my hair as he began brushing it from the ends and worked himself in. The skin on my neck felt chilly, but his hands were warm and careful.

"You shall do hundred of these in the morning and hundred before going to bed." he told me so seriously that it sounded like an order.

When I looked at his reflection in the window, he was all focused on my hair but a smirk was seen.

"Then you'll think of me." he added, releasing a few layers of hairs so that he could stroke the area underneath my ear with his fingers.

He smelled like soil and cigarettes, but even though I had taken I shower, I didn't mind it much.

I bit my lower lip, wanting to smile, but the emotional guilt was overwhelming. I had been thinking about keeping away from Pip some time, but then he was surrounded by the same walls as me once again. I looked down at the windowsill, thinking about the rabbit again.

It was Pip's men. Men chosen by Pip that had taken it down. Just for a good laugh.

"Lydia." I heard him say. He held my hair still.

"Got something on your mind?" he asked.

I kept staring at the windowsill, not coming up with an answer, so I lied to him.

"No. Just tired." I said, to which he stared at me for a moment in the reflection.

I couldn't meet his eye, and it was painful because the seconds felt like minutes. He finally started to brush my hair again, ever so slowly.

"Leif can't shut up about your friend. Apperiently, she's been avoiding him." he said, and I thought back on me and Dorothy's earlier conversation.

"Even in Poland, he refused to speak to other women and would be the first to leave the pub. If that poor old bastard won't die in the battlefield, a broken heart will definitely be the end of him." Pip said, pulling his fingers from my forehead to the nape of my neck, beginning on the second round of brushing.

My gaze were still glued to the windowsill and I began thinking about fall break. I wasn't sure if it was worth staying with Pip for a week or if I should go home to my parents. Pip left my hair alone.

"Alright. What's the matter Lydia?" he asked, putting the brush on the table where the lamp was.

I turned around, acting confused.

"Nothing." I told him and smiled.

He lifted my chin up, staring into my eyes.

"You're not a liar. It doesn't suit you." he said.

"So what? Leif will die of a broken heart. Well, we all get our heart broken sometimes." I said to Pip, trying to squirm away as stood up from the chair. I grabbed hold of it and carried it back to the writing desk.

"What can I do about it anyway?" I asked, and I could hear how much I overdid it. I never spoke like that. Not to anyone. Unless I was sarcastic or joking.

When I looked at Pip again, I could see that he was peering right inside me. His arms were crossed and when I saw him now, I regretted every word I said. I couldn't lie to Pip.

"Dorothy's going through some things too. We should just give her some time." I said more carefully. "And what do I know, maybe you should smoke less?" I suggested, which made him smile with his teeth.

"I'd rather shave my head, darling." he said, reaching out to grab my arm and pull me to him.

"You shouldn't lie Lydia. Not to me. Never." he murmured close to my lips.

Not being able to resist him then, I gave him a quick kiss and pulled away, looking at him. He almost looked sad. Disappointed

"Why are you here Pip?" I asked with a sigh, remembering the spectacle from the day before when he confessed that he wanted me to be terrified of him.

"Why I'm here? Well one must think that I'm heartless if I wouldn't check on the girl who tried to kill herself by falling backwards from a building." he answered with a strained smile.

"Oh..." I said, wanting to put something over my head.

"I'm sorry about that." I apologized in shame.

"That was... Oh God. I'm sorry." I said again, realizing how stupid I had been.

"But I can't undo it now, Pip. You must think that I'm a fool."

"No Lydia..." he muttered and gestured me to sit on the chair again. When I did, he went down on one knee.

"Don't apologize. Don't think about it." he said, grabbing my hand and kissed it.

"Don't think about it." he repeated.

When I looked at Pip, my heart thumped in my chest. He looked well rested, young and extraordinarily beautiful in my lamp light.

"My heart has joined the Thousand." I whispered to him and his teal eye looked at me.

"Excuse me?" he asked kindly.

My smile grew.

"My heart has joined the Thousand."


	22. Statements

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

It was raining. The boarding house was filled with chattering students and mercenaries (divided, of course) and the lounge was packed with coffee drinkers and smokers. Pip had taken his car into town to get medicine for his injuries, and probably taken a detour to fix his cigarettes as well. When I passed through the lounge after having bought two soft drinks for me and Dorothy, I saw Leif sitting playing cards with an old man with a beard.

I smiled at the sight of him, but I didn't want him to notice me so I hurried to Dorothy's room, eager to tell her. I decided to take a shortcut through the cigar bar, but got stopped by a voice in one of the halls.

"You seem rather happy."

It was Minnie. She was staring at the drinks I held in my hands, platinum hair in a fishbone braid resting on her shoulder.

"Is there a reason?" she asked with a smile that did more harm than good.

"No." I said. "Some of us don't need _reasons_ to be happy. We just are." I said, not being certain if my own words made any sense but I shook her off me and continued my walk.

"You sure that it doesn't have to do anything with the return of the military men, then?" she shouted after me but I ignored her question and just kept walking.

When I entered the cigar bar, I was astonished to see that it was in business, and a few people were sitting here and there. But I could only spot one man from Pip's group of soldiers, and that man was none other than Daniel. When we made eye contact, I felt obliged go and talk to him.

"Hello, Richard Adams." I said with a smile and sat down in front of him.

He chuckled at my comment, and before he could greet me back, my curiosity took over.

"Why are you here by yourself? Do you smoke cigars?" I asked him.

"I like the atmosphere. It's much calmer here than in the lounge." he replied and I noticed a couple of books beside him on a small table attached to the leather sofa he sat on.

"I saw Pip yesterday." I blurted out, without even having a reason to.

"I didn't tell him about the rabbit." I added, and I think that comment saved me.

"Any particular reason you didn't say anything?" he asked and looked at me with his blue eyes.

You only meet a few of that kind of those blue-eyed people in your life. There is blue-eyed people and there is _blue-eyed_ people.

Daniel's eyes were so blue that they could freeze a glass of water if he stared at it long enough. He must have had a hard time keeping eye contact and conversation with people who are sensitive to that sort of shimmer. I didn't want to be one of those people, and let's just say that trying to make things work with a one-eyed man had given me the training I needed to be able to see face anyone without difficulty.

I thought thoroughly about it, wanting to give him a sincere answer. Good conversation.

"Perhaps I didn't want him to know that I know." I said, slightly confused by my own way of thinking. Daniel wasn't.

"And why is that?" he asked kindly.

I looked at him for a while. He looked to be much older than Pip, but I couldn't really consider him as an old, _old_ man.

"He might've..." I started, but I lost track on that sentence, not really sure about what to say.

"He might think of you as chicken-livered to the rest of the world, and think others can easily intimidate you. Perhaps you wanted to spare him that idea." Daniel wondered and adjusted a small glass with liquid before him. It was full, so it didn't look like he had tasted it. I nodded carefully, agreeing with those words.

"How is the relationship between you and Bernadotte? I've heard of strict rules existing in the group of your students. It must've been difficult for you." he said, just like he had followed the entire story from the start and knew exactly how I felt.

"It's complicated." I replied, giving him the most cliché answer in the book.

"Except for the rules, what kind of obstacles has made your relationship burdensome?" he asked, almost sounding like a couples therapist and my answer was simple; I used the very first thing that came to my mind.

"Only a girl named Minnie."

I looked down at the table, not entirely certain if that truly was the dominating obstacle and felt slightly guilty for putting everything on her, but I knew that my relationship with Pip would've been more simple without her interferring.

"Another girl, huh?" Daniel asked, scratching his shaved chin and I nodded.

"Well it's not really like that... She told the teacher in charge about us and made our contact forbitten, and I'm still thinking that she's got a finger in the game since she likes giving underhanded comments about it. She just did, a few minutes ago. Associated my joy with the return of you and the others." I explained, and Daniel listened and nodded in understanding.

"She doesn't have her eyes on anyone really." I said, in case Daniel thought that she was involved in some kind of love triangle with me and Pip. "She likes staying out of it to save her own skin, and put us in trouble instead. My friend Dorothy had a troublesome dispute with Leif too. She's... out of it, but puts her nose in as soon as she gets the chance." I explained.

Daniel became silent and didn't speak to me until I looked at him. One could see the intelligence in his blue orbs.

"Then we might want to change that." he said with a mischevious gleam in his eyes.

"What does she look like?"

* * *

"Do you think it's a trap?" Dorothy asked with her soft drink in-between her crossed legs on the floor in front of me.

I shook my head.

"No, I trust him." I answered.

Daniel had told me to be in the lounge at 19.30, and to bring my phone with me. Whatever I was about to see, I was not to interfer; just watch.

"And he told you to do this after you spoke about Minnie?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. I nodded, taking a sip of my drink.

"What if he's planning something?" Dorothy wondered. "He might entitle her 'Queen of the boarding house' and spill a bucket of pig blood on her." she said and smirked at her own words. I saw little devils in her dark eyes.

"He wouldn't use pig blood though, since he's respectfull of nature's life." I told her, remembering when I first met him on my own when the rabbit had gotten killed.

"So what? He grieved a bunny with you? It doesn't make him any different than the other men." Dorothy said, probably thinking of Jerry again.

"You don't understand Dory, Dani _is_ different." I told her.

"Dani?" she wondered with a giggle. "You nick-named him?"

"He nick-named himself..." I muttered grumpily.

"Don't tell me you've taken a shine to him too?" Dorothy asked with a grin.

"Of course not!" I protested. "We're just friends I think." I mumbled.

"Ah, I understand... It's complicated, huh?" she asked, and I glared at her.

"Everything is complicated." I answered.

"Amen." Dorothy agreed. Her gaze darted around the room.

"Hey. Perhaps you should bring that rosary with you too. Just to be safe." she wondered.

"Perhaps." I laughed.

Dorothy stood up and went to get our rosaries that she had hung on a hanging hook behind her door and handed me mine.

"Or... if something extraordinary happens, you can put in around Minnie's neck instead." Dorothy said.

"Speaking of extraordinary... Dorothy, there's something I need to tell you." I said and looked at Dorothy, who stared at me seriously.

"I've dreaded for those words." she said and sat down slowly.

"He's back, isn't he? Leif."

I nodded at her question, and her gaze dropped to the rosary around my neck and then looked at her own still hanging on the door.

"Fuck." she said.

* * *

The lounge was almost empty, but since we weren't sure it was Leif-Proof, Dorothy thought it would be safer for her to wait in her room. (Then again, Dorothy could be very unpredictable at times so I couldn't risk anything either.) I promised that I would tell her everything about the upcoming happening afterwards.

A few random civil people and temporary guests were seated here and there. People I had never seen before or couldn't recognize.

The clock had passed half past seven and Daniel was nowhere to be seen.

It wasn't until I walked further into the lounge that I discovered what this was all about.

Daniel, former killer and then tactician had lurked Minnie into his arms with his bright blue eyes and was kissing her on a couch by the corner.

I didn't know how it was possible. Fire on fire. A sharp blue-eyed against another, but Daniel's eyes shone stronger and had enchanted Minnie completely. He had made Minnie involved, and made her as much of a sinner as us.

I looked at the phone in my hand and I fit two and two together, considering Daniel as a mad, alluring genious.

Our friend had stopped running today.

* * *

"No pig blood?" Dorothy asked when I returned to her room.

I had a few pictures of Minne kissing a member from the Wild Geese on my phone.

With that in my possession, I knew she had been banned from the game, and it was all thanks to a man called Daniel.

"No, but I have something better." I said with a smile and sat down next to her.

"Well better than the _Carrie_ movie anyway." I added with a little laugh, and went through my phone to show her the pictures.

Dorothy's eyes widened and she began hitting my arm repeatingly.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed with a huge smile.

"Goodie, goodie, goodie!" she sang and started kissing the side of my face repeatingly until I needed to tell her to stop.

But I was just as pleased as her.

* * *

Dorothy and I had decided to not just tell Miss Hepburn about Minnie's little affair, but we would use the pictures against her if he had something else to torment us with. Anyhow, those pictures of proof were in safe possession in the gallery of my phone.

Later the same evening, I was excited to see Pip and tell him about this interesting day, also wanting to check on him and know if he got the meds he needed. But when I entered his room after knocking, he was nowhere to be seen. Then I heard the shower in the bathroom and decided to wait for him. (Without snooping or touching anything this time.)

He had tossed his clothed on his bed and I walked over to it and lay down next to them.

I closed my eyes with a smile and turned to the side, burrying my face in his red scarf.

Then I felt it.

A mild, sweet and flowery scent that was utterly unfamiliar to me.

I frowned and sat up, looking at the red piece of fabric judgmentally. None of the girls from our school were allowed to use perfume, and barely having any myself, I obeyed that simple rule, making this fact more and more obvious...

Pip had been with someone else.

I moved away from the mattress and listened to the splash of the shower.

Before I left the room, I put the rosary I had gotten from Felicia's father on the bed, leaving it on top of his uniform.

"And Satan bless us." I whispered on my way out.

* * *

To my own surprise, I wasn't as beaten down as I thought I would be.

Of course, Pip went into town by himself as an adult. He might as well do what he wished to do.

We weren't a real couple. It wasn't my thing to complain about this. He had already been with another woman in Poland, why would it matter if he was with another woman in England?

He had his desires, and there was no woman who could stop him.

I saw Daniel him sitting by himself outside on the lounge balcony the next day and there was no question that I would approach him again.

"You're crazy Dani." I whispered in a impressed tone as I carefully sat down next to him. "How did you manage with that?" I asked.

Daniel looked at me with a grin.

"I told you I'm a tactician, did I not?" he asked. "And your teacher in charge happened to have a folder with pictures and names of her students in her office, which happen to be in the same corridor as my room. A typical Mary Sue girl if you ask me. Found her in the hall on her way from the dining room and offered her something to drink, to which she accepted... then it all went as I planned. If you captured the act that is?" he asked and I nodded with a blush.

 _A drink offering. That was all it took to take down Minnie._

Daniel was looking at me, appearing satisfied.

"You're different, you know." he said. "I remember the day when you came running from the forest and picked up the nearest weapon; creating a spectacle all because a deer." he said with a deep chuckle.

Instead of being embarrassed about this, I was thinking about the aftermath.

"You saw me with Dorothy the next day." I realized, remembering when we lay in the grass like idiots. Daniel nodded in confirmation.

"Yes. What doesn't kill you..."

"Makes you stronger." I filled in with a smile.

Then thing got a slight bit too corny so I needed to talk about something else.

"Do you fancy Minnie?" I asked Daniel.

"Fancy? I don't know. I've given my heart away a long time ago." he said with a knowing smirk and he looked at me lively. "She wasn't special in any way. Her scent didn't impress me. She smelled like lemon chewing gum. Lemon and mint together almost becomes like a crossfire combination. Other than that, she was just small clingy hands and had an enormous will to leave marks on me." he told me, and his way of talking made him a great storyteller.

At the same time, he mad me blush at the thought of Minnie doing that. I could never do anything like that to Pip.

"How far have you gone with Bernadotte?" he asked me, like he was reading my mind.

I giggled in embarrassment.

"What kind of question is that?" I asked and turned my head to the side.

"The road not taken..." Daniel mumbled with a pleased smirk, obviously knowing my answer without hearing me say it.

"Good to know there's still some innocence left in this world. Must be why he fancy you, dear."

My gaze immediately darted away as he said that, and I tried my hardest to not think about what I had discovered in his room the day before.

Of course Pip could fancy me for my "innocence" if he wanted to, but there was no question that it was enough for him to have his morals in order.

I saw a glass of cognac on the table before us.

"Do you like that?" I asked, gesturing to the drink, knowing Pip hated it more than anything.

Daniel looked at me with his blue eyes.

"I love it, actually."

Daniel was different too.

Different from Pip anyway.

* * *

The weekend had been a hectic one. Rabbits killed and suicide attempts, sexual harassment, friends leaving and, dare I say, infidelity? It was getting colder and colder outside, so it was obvious that autumn would conquer the area soon.

Therefore I needed to enjoy sitting on the bench in the field while I could. Not that I think a little bit of frost would kill me.

It had been a while since I sat there, so I decided to make myself a sandwich in the guest kitchen next to the laundry room (rooms that almost never were occupied due to the odd location, being in the basement) and have a little picnic on my own.

I muched on my sandwich, jealous birds watching me in the trees. The cold wind tugged my hair around, whistling in my ear. But it wasn't unpleasant.

It was Monday again. All my classes were over for the day, and just when I wondered what time it was, something appeared in my sight. Something I recognized.

"Do you miss this?" I heard as I watched my rosary swirl in the wind before my eyes.

Little Jesus spun around in a circle, attached to the cross.

I stretched my neck and looked back at Pip, chewing my sandwich.

He looked down at me with a stern expression, but I just shrugged and turned away, facing the forest again.

Pip dropped the rosary in my lap and walked around the bench, sitting down on his spot next to me.

"Did you want to prove a point with that?" Pip asked. I swallowed my bite.

"I missed you." I said. "I went to your room but you were busy, so I thought Jesus could keep you company instead. My time is important you know. I need to focus on my schoolwork." I told him, giving him a playful glance. Pip wasn't amused.

"And you just realized that?" he asked and I looked away, taking another bite of my sandwich.

"Did you enjoy yourself in town?" I asked him after swallowing.

"Is that what this is about?" Pip asked back with a sigh and put his arm on the backrest as he turned to me.

I looked at him, glancing at his red scarf and back into his eye.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I lied. "I was just joking with you. If I knew you were against rosaries so much, then I would've left you something else." I said, looking at my sandwich.

"Where did you get it from?" he asked, looking down at my lap.

"What's it to you? Maybe I've had it all this time." I said, being slightly annoyed by his questions.

He was so keen to know all about these little details, yet he was the one having secrets of his own.

"You're not Catholic." Pip stated.

One could hear that he would soon reach his limit. He probably thought this was far too ridiculous for him.

"You can't know that." I said, looking up at the sky nonchalantly.

For the moment I thought it was possible. I wouldn't let it be noticed. No one should know how angry I was, especially not him. I would just be there. Sliding around the edge of his existence and be generally girly and tidy. Chaste and fragile.

"Cut the act, Lydia." Pip growled and took the sandwich from my hands, throwing it far away on the grass with a swift toss.

The birds flapped eagerly among the trees and I turned to him with a scold.

"Mature, Pip." I said to him.

"You're the one who can't answer a simple question. I'm talking to you as an adult; we both are, so I expect you to answer me like one. I don't see you as a little girl anymore, Lydia. We erased that title together a long time ago."

I sighed at his lecture and looked down at the rosary with a glow in my face.

"Dorothy and I got it from Felicia's father." I told him. "She had to leave us, Felicia. She's not here anymore." I mumbled, not wanting to bring up the fact that Pip had put a gun inside her brother's mouth, perhaps being the main factor for her depart.

I laughed half-heartedly.

"Maybe her father knew about us." I said, referring to the rosary.

"What makes you say that?" Pip asked seriously, and I looked at him in bashfulness, not really knowing myself. He didn't seem to be in the mood for jokes right now.

"I know you put it there to say something Lydia. It's not something common of you to do, so I must know what went through your mind." he said thoughtfully.

"Why did you make that statement?"

The upcoming conversation was going to be a pain, I felt it in every fibre of my being. I thought I was able to avoid it, but I had screwed things up by leaving that dumb rosary in his bed. I should've just left his bed the way it was.

"You were gone the entire day Pip." I said meekly. "What did you do with that day?" I asked, and the frown on Pip's face turned into something completely else; sympathy dominated his features.

He looked away and leaned forward, puttng his elbows on his knees, perhaps defeated by my adult question.

A range of answer examples went through my mind then. Pip liked answering my questions with a question of his own, and I expected him to ask me something like: _"How did you know?"_ or: _"Who told you?"_ because he obviously was aware that I knew about it.

But then again, it was Pip involved, and knowing Pip, his answer could sometimes be very unexpected and surprising.

"I'm not worthy of you, that's all." he said softly.

I felt my heart burn when he said that to me, and I didn't know if I should agree with him or prove him wrong.

I held the rosary in my hands, feeling the wooden pearls with my fingers.

"Do you think I'm... different?" I asked him, remembering what Daniel had said on the balcony.

Pip blew out some air from his nose and smiled, like he was about to laugh but stopped himself.

"You're a special case, that's for sure." he said without looking at me.

A cold wind blew past us.

I digged up a question from the depths of my memories, a question I had hidden away from myself since the day I first saw him.

"Would you die for me?" I asked.

"Yes."

His response was so quick that it almost interrupted my question. His head turned to me and he looked at me with such seriousness that I almost recoiled. His teal eye was filled with so much genuineness that I couldn't do anything else than take him seriously.

That single word, was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me in my entire life, and the most horrifying.

I couldn't help but wonder if his answer had been there inside him that whole time, just as my taboo question had lingering on my mind for so long.

Pip was still leaning on his knees with his sharp elbows.

I left the bench, rosary dropping to the ground, and kneeled down in front of him. Not caring if my clothes got dirty, I stood on my knees in the damp grass and cupped his face in my hands. I examined his sincere face before putting my lips on his. He kissed me back almost instantly, large hands going in my hair.

It was a way of showing him respect I think.

What more could I do than to kneel before him, giving him the little of what I had?

When we pulled apart, I breathed heavily.

"Your men killed a rabbit." I whispered to him.

The birds flapped among the trees again, like they had overheard me and were afraid they might be shot themselves.

If I couldn't give Pip what any other woman could, I would turn myself inside out in order for him to know all about my inner world.

He gazed upon my face and his teal eye looked into my eyes with its peculiar color. Not with a bright icy blue that could freeze water, but with a blue-green shade that made the blood in my veins run freely; making the flow through my body unstoppable. Like angry lava from a volcanic eruption.

"Sorry." he whispered, and kissed me with an empathy that made my own previous attempt childish and forgotten.

My heart was thumping so fantastically fast that it was like a hastily bustling rabbit within my chest.

And I knew then how damned I was.

I would love him forever.


	23. Habitation

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

 _"do i still taste of war?_

 _can you still feel battles on my skin_

 _stitched across my back_

 _am i still rebuilding_

 _bone by fragile bone?"_

 _ **\- what does forgiveness taste like?** (r.n.)_

* * *

I had been sent to Miss Hepburn's office after lunch, and I was afraid that she had gotten more information about me and Pip somehow.

I sat in front of her in silence, rejecting the tea she had served once again. Expecting the worst.

But the reason for that meeting didn't go beyond any other reason that another student might be linked to in a meeting with their teacher.

"How is your studies going?" she asked me.

I stared at her, like her question was strange and irrelevant.

"Good." I answered, but it sounded like a question.

"Good." she repeated, slightly louder than I had. "I ask you because you haven't handed in any of your assignments for these past two weeks. Is everything alright?" she asked and I looked away in shame.

"I..." I started, but I had no idea how I should respond. I didn't have any innocent excuse.

"Are you distracted?" she asked me.

When I shrugged my shoulders, she supplemented the question.

"Because I noticed that some of the soldiers has returned. Are you meeting Mister Bernadotte again?" she asked and it made me gasp slightly.

I knew Minnie was behind this again.

I held my phone in my hand so hard that my knuckles turned white, prepared to throw Minnie's dirty secret in front of Miss Hepburn's eyes if necessary.

"I've seen him." I confessed. "But he doesn't have anything to do with it! Or perhaps, I don't know. But mostly because he was hurt in Poland and I think about that..."

"Calm down, Lydia." Miss Hepburn said kindly, stopping my flow of words.

"I did not ask you here to put you in trouble. I'm just worried about your grades, and you should be too." she said, and I dared to look at her again.

"I must say that I'm very sorry about Felicia. I understand that she's a friend of yours. Yet, I hope that both you and Dorothy will take her as an example of what might happen if you don't control your cravings. Does your parents know about your relationship with that man?" she asked me and I shook my head in horror.

"Will you tell them?" I asked her, and she smiled softly.

"It's not my thing to tell." she said and I let out a sigh of relief.

"But Lydia, I need you to focus on yourself and your schoolwork from now on." she said and I nodded in understanding.

But I absolutely hated the idea of that.

I hated it more that the man who killed the rabbit and laughed afterwards.

* * *

"I'm craving french fries so badly right now." Dorothy mumbled against her hand as we sat by ourselves in the conference room.

We had decided to take ourselves seriously (Dorothy also had a meeting with Miss Hepburn about slacking with her studies) and stay behind to keep up with some homework.

"There's cashew nuts in the cigar bar. At least they're salty." I said, fixing the ribbon Pip gave me in my hair. It was the first time I was using it.

"French fries, Lydia!" she moaned to the ceiling, leaning back in her chair.

"Sorry, I can't help you with that." I said and looked through the questions I was trying to find the answers to.

Just when I found the question I was working on, Dorothy had something else important to tell me.

"I'm thinking about avengeing Felicia." she suddenly said.

"What? On Oscar, you mean?" I asked, slightly confused about how that would happen. We were in a boarding house in the middle of nowhere, and he was miles from here. Together with deep fried food.

"No Lydia. You must go deeper than that." Dorothy said and stood up from her seat and walked over to my desk, sitting on top of it and looked down at me.

"If Felicia hadn't gotten that ugly tattoo, none of Oscar's bullshit would've happened." she explained, her voice getting lower. I stared at her.

"So you mean.." I began carefully.

"I mean that we need to take revenge on the person responsible for ink-ing Felicia in the first place, doing that we also avenge ourselves for the crap Oscar put us through." she explained and I shook my head in refusal to that concept.

"No Dory, you don't know what you're doing. From what I know, the responsible is this Ken, and I watched him kill a rabbit. I think we should leave him alone." I tried, but I only seemed to motivate her more.

"So that is his name... Ken." she mumbled with a smirk. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"You know I've thought about this for longer than you know Lydia, and I've gotten an idea." she said and I sighed and leaned back in my chair. "Let's say, we know a guy who helped us with Minnie."

"Don't involve Daniel, Dorothy." I told her, yet I was slightly impressed by the idea.

Daniel certainly was a "there's more where that came from" kind of guy. "And if it's true that he's an animal lover, he might want to avenge Thumper as well." Dorothy suggested and jumped of the desk nonchalantly.

"Think about it Lydia." she said.

"But..." She clinged onto my arm and began shaking me.

"Think about it Lydia!" she begged in a weird voice and I burst out laughing, my pen dropping out of my hand and to the floor.

"Why don't you ask Leif about this? I think he would be happy to help you." I teased her, to which she glared at me.

"I still haven't seen him since his return." she mumbled. "I read his letter again this morning. I'm scared Lydia." she said, suddenly becoming another person.

She slummed down in the seat in front of my desk and turned to me.

"What are you most afraid of?" I asked her.

"Just... _being_ with him." she answered and peered her eyes at me. "He's not my type of guy at all. He's old, and awkward, and..."

The door to the conferance room opened and a round, dark-haired man with a mustache entered with his cleaning carriage. He pretended not to have noticed us as he continued whistling a tune he probably whistled before through the hall outside. Dorothy looked at me with a dull expression and leaned towards me.

"And it's not like Leif could do anything about the situation." she whispered, and I hid a laugh.

"We can't know that. Don't underestimate Leif. He managed to produce a much more beautiful letter than Jerry, remember that."

After the cleaner had approached us and began to wipe our desks with a damp cloth, we decided to call it a day and left the conference room.

"Still craving fries." Dorothy said as we walked through the building.

"And revenge." I added and she laughed.

"Justice! What do you crave Lydia?" she asked and even though I thought about it, I couldn't come up with any good answer.

"Good grades." I said, but my reply rang sadly in the air, and Dorothy's depressing look told me not to bring that up.

Because who had said that the purpose there was to focus on school and our futures anyway?

* * *

Considering my schoolwork done for the day, I decided to do my favorite thing at the boarding house.

I went to see Pip again.

The most beautiful distraction in my entire world.

I knocked on the door to his room three times and entered, and once again, the room was empty. But this time, I couldn't hear the shower and the bed was made and empty of clothes.

I examined the room as I walked towards the French balcony. The door was closed and locked, and I had to move the curtain away to be able to see outside.

"Don't get any ideas."

I let go of the curtain and jumped at the sudden voice and swirled around.

Pip had been in the bathroom after all.

He laughed at my reaction.

"You're so jumpy." he commented and I had placed a hand over my heart, since he had surprised me so.

Pip turned the light off in the bathroom and threw a large bag over his shoulder.

"There's something I would like to show you. Come with me." Pip said and I followed after him like a loyal pet.

We ended up being in a very familiar department and it wasn't until we stopped by a door that I recognized where we was.

"Wait Pip, isn't this..." I said but trailed off as we entered the large room.

"I've gotten the suite back." Pip proudly said and I spotted the rest of Pip things lined up along the wall by the window. I grinned as I walked to the center of the suite and let my gaze dart around.

"I've missed this." I said, smiling as I thought about all the memories, both good and bad.

I skipped to the window and was happy to see the green field, spotting our bench. I snapped my head back and laughed, looking at Pip with a joyous sensation within me.

Pip had closed the door and dropped the bag on the floor beside his feet. When he looked at me, he almost appeared bemused and a little big guilty. Crestfallen.

"I'm sorry Lydia." he said, and I stepped towards him with another laugh.

"What?" I asked and looked at him carefully. When I was close enough, he immediately took my hand.

"I'm sorry." he repeated. "About everything." he added and pulled me to him, putting his chin on my head.

"You're so beautiful." he muttered, and I hesitantly put my arms around him.

"I abuse you more than legally. I must remind myself to be kinder to you, but I get so caught up in everything, I'm afraid I neglect you instead... You must think that I'm horrible." he said, and I sniffed in the scent of his red scarf, that time only smelling tobacco on him.

The little smoke particles made me look ahead of every little encounter Pip had had outside of our relationship.

I burried my head in his scarf. It was mine. Mine. And mine alone.

My fingers felt the thick fabric of his uniform jacket and I stepped closer to him, into his chest, into his manhood, into him, and I remained there, completely still and convinced that no other woman before, or after, would value him as much as I.

If I listened closely, I could feel his heart beating in my head from against my ear, proving his existence, and somehow that was enough for me.

"Say something." he ordered softly.

"I love you." I said, like the answer had existed within me since the day I was born.

"You still do." he mumbled. I didn't know if it was a question or a confirmation.

"I do." I said, my fingers exploring his large back to the best of their ability.

He sighed. His entire body moved with that sigh.

His hands suddenly went down to my upper thighs, cupping my bum, and I felt my eyes peer open, not sure if I liked that. But his touch felt gentle and natural and I let him touch me, and I let him plant a kiss on the crown of my head.

When my hands went down to touch his lower back, they brushed against his long braid that was as thick as a fatted snake.

"I love you." I said again.

He released a breathy chuckle.

"You're the only woman who has ever made that point clear so many times." he said with another discreet laugh, breathing in the scent from my scalp.

"You look so lovely in that red ribbon I gave you..." he complimented in a whisper, and I was about to ruin everything with my upcoming words.

"From that Polish lady."

"Lydia..." Pip grumbled softly.

His hands moved away from my rear and he let out a sigh as he stepped back and looked at me in disappointment.

I looked up at him without judging him.

"I don't care what you do, Pip. You sleep around... Kill people... but I can't hate you for it." I said calmly.

Pip was frowning, almost looking disgusted as he tried to figure out what went through my mind.

The abrupt change of subject had obviously disconcerted him.

His gaze flattered around as he examined me. First looking at my hair ribbon, then my face, my waist, my face again.

"I could never hate you." I declared.

He opened his mouth to say something, but it closed again. His hand reached up to scratch his neck, and then it went over his mouth.

And when it went over his mouth, he could no longer look at me, so his eye shut.

And when his eye shut, he could no longer remain standing, so he walked over to sit down on the bed.

"Pip?" I asked worriedly.

I walked over to him and sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. His hand was still over his mouth and he refused to look at me. His eyelid was shut, like looking at things would hurt him.

It wasn't until his shoulders shook that I realized that he was crying.

Pip Bernadotte was crying because of me.

I had no clue what to do.

How do you comfort an adult man? I had no experience of such things, never even seen my own father in a similar state.

"Pip." I said again carefully. I placed my hand on his back. "What did I say? What did I do? I'm sorry." I said.

Pip removed the hand from his face and sniffed loudly, placing his elbows on his slightly seperated legs. His glassy stare was nailed before him. He didn't say a word to me.

"Should I leave?" I asked despite hating that idea.

Pip sniffed again, swallowed and his hand found my shoulder without looking in my direction and pressed it down.

 _No_. The movement said. _You're not going anywhere_.

Seeing Pip like this made me want to cry too but I knew that I needed to be strong.

Just when I placed my hand on his that was on my shoulder, he said: "I stalk wild lands you may never see."

He looked at me, teal eye merely glossy.

"But this has gone on for too long. I'm getting more and more attached to you, and this damn house, and all I can do is watch as it slowly disappears." he mumbled, heavy hand moving away from my shoulder to travel down my back slowly.

When he smiled, he shot me down. An imaginary bullet shot through me when he gave me that smile.

"I'm one of the last things you think needs your help, aren't I?" he asked me and I bit my lower lip, trying to keep myself whole.

I felt myself nod almost helplessly at his question. He was in every breath I took. And in every step that I would take.

Pip chuckled softly. Whatever mood he was in, his laughter always sounded the same.

"Well this is what we've come to." he mumbled.

He leaned down to my side and rested his head on my shoulder in defeat.

My arm went around his broad torso and I leaned on him as well. And we remained like that.

Without a word, we both existed in the same silence.

He was the world I lived in. My heart was burning.

His love won.


	24. Fiver

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

The red ribbon hung over Pip's left shoulder as he gathered my hair into a ponytail. Hopefully, all strain and anxiety had left him.

"Could you tell me more about Ken?" I asked, hoping to make things as they once were with mild general conversation.

Long fingers went through my hair. I stared across the room from where I sat on the large bed in a cross legged position.

I never wanted to see Pip cry again. And I'm pretty sure Dorothy would like to know every little detail about the amateur tattoo artist.

I felt the chapped tips of his fingers round the back of my earlobes.

"Are you seeking revenge?" he asked, and I laughed at the revealed secret and at how quickly it had gotten spoiled.

He was talking with a cigarette in his mouth. One could almost hear it was there, disturbing his enunciation.

"Well it's not like I'm interested in him." I replied with a smile.

"I'm quite certain he was the one responsible for the death of the rabbit." I added quickly.

"You and that rabbit..." Pip murmured, tugging my ponytail playfully and I leaned back on him with a grin. The king sized bed was so tall that the back of my head hit his chest.

"I couldn't stand you being with someone else, you know..." he said close to my ear. "Of course, I know I'm not the one to talk." he added hoarsely, going through my hair again.

I flinched as something hurt in my scalp.

Resisting the pain, I said: "Tell me about it, Pip."

I felt him hold my hair still.

"About what?"

"Your life."

"I could not speak of it without injuring you or betraying myself."

I heard the silk of the ribbon flap in the air as he removed it from his shoulder in a hasty movement.

"Please." I said. "I want to know everything about you."

I felt him knot the ribbon tightly around my hair, giving me a firm ponytail.

"Why would you want to know more about unimaginable horrors?" he asked, adjusted the bow and stroked his knuckles on the side of my neck.

I turned and looked up at him when he was finished.

"Tell me just a little bit then." I nagged and Pip looked at me with a sigh.

He killed his cigarette and took a seat next to me on the bed, our backs being in opposite directions, but he leaned down to lay on his elbows so we could keep eyecontact.

"Just a little bit?" he asked and looked up at me.

He looked tired and I nodded carefully, smelling the afterscent of his smoke.

"My favorite city is Paris." he said, like he had been asked a question.

But he sounded very serious.

"My father was killed in combat." he said, laying down on the mattress and gazed up at the ceiling.

"My favorite occupation is..." he glanced at me, smirked and looked away.

For some reason, he couldn't end that sentence. He blinked and I watched as the smile on his face slowly disappeared.

"My greatest fear is losing someone I love." he said, and his French accent had never been so penetrating.

My heart did a little stop. I changed position and lay down next to him. Not too close. Not too far away.

I was speechless as I stared at the side profile of his face.

"It's not about the money really." he said. "It's where I'm supposed to be." His reddish-brown hair that seemed to change color in different settings was slightly untangled from the braid next to him and inbetween us.

"The injuries I got in Poland were not fatal, but the men brought in to the Polish hostel were very disfigured. Limbs missing and faces blown apart and no longer suitable for service..." he told me softly.

"What more could I tell you? It's just as bad as you can imagine really."

"Aren't you afraid?" I asked him and urged closer to him, putting my hand on his chest.

"It is difficult to know how to think and behave in a world without clear expectations and limits." he said, and tipped his head to the side to look at me.

"By joining a group where reality is described with clear and solid structures, dead or killed, where there is authoritarian leadership that takes a stand, that is me, the uncertainty and the general fear of life can be subdued. The affiliation to the group creates order in a chaotic world." he talked on, and I examined his face as he did.

"And lastly..."

He glanced down at my lips and I felt his warm breath hit my face.

"Lastly?" I asked in a whisper.

"I would like to die in my bed, and not on the field." he said, and those words left a long silence after them.

He placed his bigger and warmer hand on mine and gave me a reassuring half smile.

"You too Lydia. You must live a long and meaningfull life. Get yourself what you want and avoid idiot people. Don't listen to anyone. Never do anything you don't want to do."

"I think I..." I started, looking down at his lips and back to his eye.

I leaned over him, my hand supporting me on the other side of his head.

I kissed him quickly, pulled away, and said in a whisper: "I want you."

Pip looked at me thoroughly.

"Are you certain?" he asked and I nodded.

"This will be your first time then?" he asked and I nodded again, half willing and half terrified.

Pip looked at me seriously and grabbed onto both of my arms and flipped me over to his side gently.

"I can't." he said and turned away from me. He sat slouched over the edge of the bed.

"But..." I tried.

"What if you regret it?" he asked, almost in irritation.

His gaze darted back at me.

I looked at him calmly.

"How? I want you more than anything else right now." I said in a half-whisper, and Pip chuckled at my dramatic words, shook his head and looked away.

"You're not making this easy for me, are you?" he asked and I sat there awkwardly, not sure what to do with myself.

I swallowed something in my throat.

"Don't you want me?" I asked meekly, and once again, that wordless silence entered the room.

Pip looked at me for a moment without saying anything. I noticed his chest moving up and down in steady breaths as he did.

Suddenly, he reached out his hand to me and I grabbed it without hesitation and let him pull me to him. When I was close enough, he adjusted my body so I was straddling him. And it didn't feel gallant or embarrassing or even the slightest bit uncomfortable sitting like that.

It only felt right.

"I do want you so terribly much right now." I whispered to him, and him only.

"Well that's a good start." he said with a little chuckle and put his hand on my cheek. He stroked it for only a second and then his touch disappeared.

His hands began to slowly unbutton the first button on my uniform shirt by the collar. His fingers was so nimble and gentle that it was hard to imagine them controlling deadly weapons. Before I knew anything else, my shirt was completely unbuttoned and Pip held me closer by my waist and started kissing my exposed collarbones.

I leaned my head back and my hands found their way around him. The kisses he planted on my skin got longer and longer and I closed my eyes in bliss. I was weightless, but soft and warm all over my body.

"Pip." I said, and when I said his name, he moved to the side of my neck and pulled me even closer.

Again, his lips did not want to leave my skin. They remained on the same spot on the pulse point on my neck and took my breath away. I surprised myself with a soft but loud moan, and I must've surprised him as well, because his head moved away and he looked at me curiously with a gleaming eye.

"You do want this..." he whispered, perhaps more to himself as he leaned in to kiss me fully on the lips.

For the first time since that day on the bench where we heard birds sing, I felt his tongue in my mouth.

He had tilted his head and coaxed my mouth open. But this time, I feared nothing.

I allowed my hands to slide up to grope his chest and I kissed him back with the best of my ability, and my body sealed onto his; arms hugging his broad neck to me. My thoughts went fuzzy. I felt a tremendous helplessness and delight rush through my guts.

The voices within me both cheered and cried. At first I could not really understand where that pleasant feeling came from. The feeling of relaxed, warm satisfaction.

"Again, are you certain?" Pip panted against me after forcingly having pulled away. "Because if we get too deep into this, I won't be able to stop myself." he warned.

It only made me want it more.

I couldn't think. I only obeyed my body instinctively and kissed him without a proper answer.

Pip was convinced now. So convinced that he lifted me up from his lap and lay me down on the mattress.

A man in uniform straddled me. One of the most dangerous of all uniformed men in the world. And I let him.

I felt his weight on me as we rubbed against each other and kissed just like two adult people would.

It was no longer a story about a nearly middle-aged mercenary man and an uneducated, fragile schoolgirl.

It was real, and we were equals. Creatures with blood flowing through our bodies.

His large hands were in my hair again, destroying what they earlier had created.

Once again, I felt as if there was nothing to fear inside that room. Not even the swollen manhood pressed against me.

For a moment I wished to be able to stretch through time and whisper to my earlier self that this day would actually happen.

His hands dived underneath my skirt and tugged at the hem of my stockings whilst I once again felt his tongue in my mouth. I had gotten more and more familiar with it. The thin fabric slowly slipped off from my thighs.

I was about to go all the way with Pip.

There was no question about it.

But then the door flung open and it felt like the downfall of the earth.

"Someone has stolen my damn computer."

It was Dorothy's voice.

* * *

Pip cursed against my flushed skin and pulled away only to look at me with an unforgiving frown, like it was me who had sent her there.

"Seriously..." he muttered, and I felt his hands squeeze the skin on my thighs in frustration before getting off me and the bed.

I quickly wiggled my stockings back on and began buttoning my shirt as fast as I could. I removed the ribbon from my hair completely, and only put my hair up in a standard ponytail.

"Have you no shame? Don't you have any respect for others at all? Who raised you?" Pip attacked her with questions.

"I'm not talking to you eyepatch." Dorothy barked back to him, but she looked very confused as her eyes went back and forth between me and Pip.

I almost felt bad for her. How could she know?

I wouldn't expect myself, Lydia Romanoff in a similar scene either. Never.

"How did you even find us?!" Pip yelled at her.

"Pip wait." I said when I had calmed my heart and crawled off the bed shamefully.

It was incredibly embarrassing. Even though it was Dorothy and no one else who had found us like that.

"When did this happen?" I asked Dorothy as kindly as I could.

I felt myself slowly return to naïve little Lydia again, seeing the worry in her face.

Having known her for a long time, it was a rare sight to behold.

"Probably when we were in the conference room. Someone has been in my room Lydia, I can't believe it..." she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Couldn't this wait?" Pip asked her in irritation, still very upset that she had interrupted us.

"Pip..." I said with a sigh.

I grabbed his arm and gave him a wary glance. He let out a sigh of his own and shrugged off my hand coldly.

"I'll go and... freshen up..." he mumbled and shambled to the bathroom.

Dorothy stared after him.

"Excited jerk." she said after he had slammed the door shut; the final blow of his passive aggressiveness.

"You do realize what he's up to right now, don't you?" Dorothy whispered to me and I don't think I've ever blushed so much in my entire life.

"L-let's go find your computer." I said.

* * *

"We must split up, I think." Dorothy said as we walked towards the lounge.

"But before that... You and Pip, earlier. Did I interrupt something, or..." she wondered curiously and stopped me in the middle of the corridor.

I smiled at her innocently.

"I hope not. I'm perfectly happy with Pip the way we are." I said, and for a second I actually thought so myself.

But I regretted absolutely nothing that happened about fifteen minutes ago.

"Do you think he is?" Dorothy asked.

"I don't know." I said and looked down at my feet.

"Well... So far he doesn't seem to mind having a asexual relationship. Although you can't deny that he reacted kind of aggressively when I walked in on you two." Dorothy speculated.

She stopped and stared at me for a moment.

I looked at her in confusion as she suddenly raised a finger at me.

"You got something there." she said and poked the side of my neck.

My hand flied up and slapped the spot she had pointed out.

"Maybe you should let down your hair." she suggested.

"That's not allowed!" I whispered in panic, eyes darting around in the hallway.

Dorothy began laughing hysterically.

* * *

My skin was a clear proof of what had happened during that time in Pip's suite.

I had expected a big visible mark on my neck based on Dorothy's reaction. But instead, I saw not only one, but two oval marks close to each other on the left side of my neck.

To my horror, I found a few more hickey marks on my collarbones that I didn't even dare to count.

Everything felt like a dream until then, when I saw what I had gone through. Completely at will.

For a while I did not recognize myself in the mirror.

Who was she?

 _No. Don't think that way._

I had everything left. I was still Lydia. Unsoiled, and with preserved honor.

I would wrap a scarf around my tense neck and help my best friend find her computer.

Because that was more important than intimacy with a wild geese.

On my way out of my room and in the hallways of the boarding house, I saw a familiar person at the end of the corridor.

Daniel...

"Dani!" I called after him and ran to his side.

"Hi." I said with a smile.

Daniel stopped as soon as he recognized me.

"Miss Romanoff. Are you cold?" he asked, instanly discovered the new piece of clothing on my body and stared at the thin scarf tied around my neck.

Strange. I had no memory of me ever giving him my last name.

"No." I said dumbly.

"Does this belong to you?"

He suddenly reached out a pencil.

I recognized it as the exact same pencil I had dropped and forgotten in the conference room. I stared at it and felt myself frown.

"How did you..." I began.

"Know it was yours? I just had a feeling it belonged to you. You should be more careful with your things."

"But what were you doing in the conference?" I asked him, getting suspicious.

It might even be so that Dorothy had forgotten her computer in there.

She could be all over the place, Dorothy.

"I don't think I'm the right person to confront about your friend's problem. You out of everyone must know who's behind it, Fiver."

 _Fiver?_

"What do you mean Daniel?" I asked him.

I don't think I've ever been this confused by a person before. Not even by Leif, or even Oscar.

Daniel played in a completely different league than them.

"I would search after those haughty classmates of yours that rant around, boldly wiggling their round little butt every step on their way..."

With those words being said, I let him go as I headed off in the opposite direction.

* * *

I knocked on the door to Minnie's room, trying to keep my cool.

When she opened the door, I expected her to show her attitude up my face or react almost as aggressively as Pip had reacted in the suite earlier, but I was wrong.

In fact, she looked almost relieved when she saw me.

I blinked.

"Hi Minnie. Dorothy-"

"You can have it back now." she said with a defeated sigh and opened up the door for me.

"I couldn't access it anyway, since you need a password." she said, and I saw Dorothy's laptop right there, open on her desk.

I was surprised at how open she was with it.

I closed the door to her room carefully, smelling the scent of vanilla candles.

"Why Minnie?" I asked her. "Why did you steal it?"

"Jesus, I only borrowed it. I didn't know she would notice straight away." she defended and rolled her eyes.

"But why do you need her computer, don't you have your own?" I asked.

"I need to know what's _inside_ the computer. That's the thing." Minnie told me and I looked at her in confusion. She let out a sigh.

"I've heard a rumor about a girl... having gotten pictures of her and a man from the military army, and since - you know me - I'm so much against that kind of thing, so I needed to find proof of said pictures."

Minnie's complicated lie was so messy that I almost felt bad for her. But if I didn't know she was lying (and knew that she was the girl she was talking about) I might've believed her.

"Dorothy and I know nothing about it. I promise you Minnie." I said, feeling like my lie was an innocent one. Minnie looked slightly relieved at that information.

"If you don't mind me asking... Who created this rumor?" I asked, and her blue eyes sharpened.

"Only some cruel man from the force. I hope you've discovered the evil they are as well." she said and shut the computer and handed it to me.

"Shouldn't you apologize to Dorothy?" I asked her, but grabbed the computer anyway. "She's in the lounge."

"Yeah, yeah, just pour on the misery!" she complained and brushed past me.

She felt so little and fragile then, that I nearly wanted to spare her from Dorothy's confrontation.

But Minnie possessed an evil of herself.

* * *

We found Dorothy in the lounge, searching underneath a table.

"Dory." I said carefully. "I found it." I put the computer on the table and her dark haired head popped up.

Her gaze landed on her laptop and then on me. When her eyes darted over my shoulder and saw Minnie, she started sniggering.

"Of course. I should've known." she said with a smirk and slummed down in the armchair nearest her.

I took a seat by her side on a sofa and Minne sat down beside me with her arms and legs crossed, gaze anywhere but at Dorothy.

"There's been some misunderstanding." I said, and my friend glared at me mercilessly.

I swallowed.

"Minnie was just..."

"I'm sorry I took your stupid device, alright?" Minnie interrupted me and snapped at Dorothy, who stared at her for a moment before speaking to her.

"I'm sorry we took your friend." Dorothy replied, and Minnie leaned towards her. A few strings of blonde hair hung over the table that had escaped her braid.

"Yeah, because she was so satisfied with your 'friendship' that she had to leave this place."

"You do know the reason for her depart, right? And if you're not careful, you might meet the same fate as her."

Minnie gasped.

"Okay, girls..." I tried, but it was like I wasn't even there with them.

Minnie stared at Dorothy, wide eyed.

"You're both cheating me, aren't you?" she asked, but her blue eyes were nailed on Dorothy.

"You do have the pictures, don't you?"

Dorothy laughed.

"Aw, so that's why you stole my computer. That's cute." Dorothy said, and Minnie flied up from her seat.

Dorothy was just as quick to stand.

"You are a soiled little woman, aren't you?" Minnie asked her.

"Better than a little snake. Nobody here likes you, you know."

"You don't know anything!"

I sat there awkwardly, listening to their argument.

Before I knew it, Minnie had climbed over the table with her Barbie legs and grabbed a handfull of Dorothy's dark hair, taking her down to the floor.

I stood up in panic and watched as the two of them wrestled on the carpet.

"No! Enough!" I shouted at them, and people, soldiers and other guests had started to put their attention on the scene.

It was ugly. Two lionesses in each other's claws. It was even worse than that time when Dorothy had jumped on Jerry and given me nosebleed.

When I realized that I was uncapable of pulling them apart, I looked around for help.

That's when I saw Daniel a few meters away, watching the scene intenesly. I hurried to him.

He was standing by the large windows in the lounge and glanced down at me as soon as he noticed me.

"Dani, you must do something! Don't just stand there!" I told him.

"I believe this is something that must be sorted out by them, Lydia. Why bother interrupting two women sorting things out in their own tune?" he asked me.

I glared at him in disbelief.

"What?" I breathed.

"Well, I hear you... We must have a care for feminine sensibilities - They are finer and more fragile than our own after all." he said with a satisfied smile and looked at the scene again. Those word felt oddly familiar.

"You wouldn't have it in you to touch a hair on Minnie, but your friend on the other hand... She's made of much tougher material. A fight worth seeing, absolutely. I was right this whole time. Even domestic rabbits can put up a fight."

"You're crazy." I told him, having heard enough of his creepy thinking.

Daniel striked me with icy blue eyes.

"Am I?" he asked, and reached out to the scarf around my neck but I stepped away just in time to avoid his touch.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you've said so yourself, Lydia." was the last thing I heard from him before returning to the scene.

I had to do something on my own, I could no longer count on Daniel.

Two older men had decided to interfere but before they could hinder any of the girls, I threw myself into the fight and caught Minnies fishbone braid and tried to pull her off Dorothy by my own hand. At the same time, she suceeded to kick Dorothy in the chin but I mangaged to pull her off her.

"Let's go. This place is haunted." I said to Dorothy and hurriedly pulled her to her feet.

She rubbed her chin and let me drag her out of the lounge. I had her computer under my arm. At some point, I had actually managed to take her computer with us.

When we exited the lounge and walked through the hallway like an alcoholic couple, Dorothy touched her mouth.

"Fuck." she said, and when I looked at her, she spat blood in her hand.

She had lost a tooth.


	25. Morning twig

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"Can we hide here for a little while?" I asked Pip, who was dressed up in full uniform. Hat and everything.

When Dorothy had lost a tooth, I had no idea what we should do, but I was sure that she couldn't bypass the fact that there was a gap in the upper row of her teeth, so ignoring it was out of the question.

Telling miss Hepburn would be a valid alternative. Or would it? She would then know about the fight between Dorothy and Felicia, and later on the very cause of it. More drama and more involved military men wasn't good for anything really.

Calling the police seemed way too drastic, and an ambulance? Also too extreme.

Any dentists or hospitals were too far away. And we had no money, and no access to any bus.

So we decided to go and see Pip. An adult. An adult with combat experience more like. Who must have solutions to even worse problems than a knocked out tooth.

Dorothy sulked on a classic wooden framed sofa in the corner of Pip's suite with a wet towel stuck in her mouth.

Pip seemed to understand the situation, but all he did was nodding his head without looking at me, lit a cigarette and began walking towards the bathroom.

I sneaked after him and he seemed rather surprised when I did. I closed the door behind us as soon as we had disappeared unnoticed in the big bathroom and Pip stared at me. The man was puzzled.

"What kind of men do you hire in your force?" I asked him in an angry whisper.

Pip removed the cigarette from his mouth and licked his lips, swallowing one time.

"What kind of confrontation is this? Are you going to watch me piss?" he asked with a dry chuckle.

"What kind of men do you hire in your force?" I asked him again without whispering, not having time for his jokes.

"Men willing to take lives for a living." he replied casually.

"Yes I know... but some of them are downright..." I shook my head in disbelief, thinking about Daniel and all that odd stuff he had said to me.

I swallowed, trying to get myself together.

The bathroom began reeking of tobacco and Dorothy would get suspicious so I tried to act quick.

"Daniel. With the blue eyes?" I asked him, and Pip's eye widened in recognition.

"Why Lydia?"

He took one last fast whiff on the cigarette before tossing it in the toilet and flushed.

"Why did you speak with him Lydia?" he asked, obviously irritated.

I stared at Pip, feeling myself gape. I wasn't sure what to tell him, because I didn't know myself.

I met Daniel after Pip and I had that intense argument where we brought up those suicide ideas, and before that I had met him with Dorothy after we tried to find the dead deer in the forest.

I began whispering again, but this time, my words were made up right on the spot.

"I... I saw the bunny get killed, and... I checked on it, and I... I spoke to it. Well I didn't speak to it, I just watched it, and then he came and- We grieved... We grieved the bunny together! Oh, Pip! I'm sorry! I'm so stupid." I said, feeling those familiar tears prick my eyes.

It had almost gotten a habit of mine. Crying before Pip.

Pip shook his head and sighed.

"What should I do with you?" he asked.

"I didn't know any better! He said he was a tactician." I defended, and Pip leaned down to my level. Seriously. It made me nervous.

"And he is for a reason Lydia. I don't want to tell you what he did to the wives of the men he killed..." he said. No. Whispered, and I felt my skin crawl.

"Oh my God." I said, glancing around. Pip grabbed my arms.

"Listen to me Lydia. This is not anything new to you. We are not innocent men. None of us more good than another. Not even Leif." he explained slowly, like he wanted to print it into my brain.

"We are not ordinary people. We are scum, everyone. And you, my dear, you just happened to fall for one."

I looked at his face and let out a shaky breath.

"Yeah." I whispered in defeat, being well aware of that.

"And you are so brave Lydia. You are my brave girl. Even braver than me sometimes." he whispered and kissed the corner of my mouth. "Some people won't see it, but don't you ever forget that. You are my brave girl."

I hugged him close to me, nestling into the side of his broad neck. I felt him tense a bit.

"Daniel. Did he..."

"No he didn't try anything with me. I'm fine." I said, guessing that he supposed that I had experiened something uncanny.

"He only helped me with... Oh my God!" I pulled away from Pip and looked at him.

"Minnie!" I exclaimed in a whisper. "He made out with Minnie in the lounge so I could take pictures of them and blackmail them." I said, feeling my cheeks burn in shame.

"Did you?" Pip asked, and I couldn't look at him.

"Yes." I mumbled. "But I regret it now. Poor Minnie. I should've known. Daniel must've used the pictures as a means to threaten her with." I realized, feeling tears in my eyes again.

"Why did you listen to him?" Pip asked, probably feeling no sympathy for me about that.

"Because..." I swallowed. "I thought I could... secure our relationship." I mumbled.

"What?"

"I wanted to secure our relationship."

"Secure our relationship?" he repeated, making my words sound stupid.

"Or whatever it is what we have." I said, hearing myself annoyed at him.

"Oh mon dieu..." Pip sighed and adjusted his hat. He was frowning.

"Muttering in French won't help." I told him. "Whatever those words mean. I don't understand..."

Pip chuckled. "I wouldn't expect you to."

I did something crazy then.

I pushed Pip. But he barely budged. His grin only widened after my feeble hands had molested his chest.

"You're so annoying." I told him, trying to sound upset at him but a small laugh escaped me.

"And don't change subject! I knew Minnie was a threat to us, even though Miss Hepburn decided to go easier on us. She remembered how devastated I was when you left for Poland, but she's starting to worry about my future and my grades." I said, almost wanting to roll my eyes, like it wasn't something to worry about.

"So meanwhile you decided to put Minnie in danger?" he asked.

"Of course not! I didn't even know he would do that. He just asked me to be there and then and I did just that and I saw him eating up her face in the lounge." I explained aggressively. "And aren't you supposed to be on my side? On _our_ side? Why do you feel bad for Minnie?" I asked, feeling betrayed.

"I don't feel bad for anyone Lydia. It's not in my nature." he said and I snorted and laughed at his words. It was a mean laugh. I didn't recognize myself in it.

"Not even Dorothy and her tooth?" I asked, and to my surprise a large open grin cracked onto Pip's face and he laughed himself. But his laugh wasn't mean like mine was. He was genuinely amused by me.

"Crikey. Your quick-witted humor sometimes, Lydia!"

I blinked at his praise.

Was it a compliment? I couldn't tell.

He probably thought it was right for her, Dorothy. Who had rushed into our love act without a single care in the world.

That's why he laughed.

It was revenge.

He wanted to take revenge on Dorothy because she had prevented him from taking my virginity.

* * *

I watched when Pip approached Dorothy and tossed his phone genlty on her stomach.

She stared at him in annoyance, removing the bloody towel from her swollen mouth.

"What is it now?" she grumbled, and grasped onto the phone.

"I typed in the numbers for a dentist nearby. Thought you might want to check if there's a time available a soon as possible." Pip said, and Dorothy sat up slowly.

"Should... _I_ call?" she asked like it wasn't her thing to do, and Pip frowned.

"Who else should call? It's your tooth that needs to get fixed."

"Yeah but... I daren't." she said, yet with a confidence that didn't match her statement.

"Then Lydia will. Lyidia. Make the call for her." Pip turned to me.

I felt a lump in my stomach.

"But I daren't either." I mumbled.

I had never called a dentist before. It made me feel like such a child, and I was certain Dorothy felt the exact same way.

Pip looked like he had seen the end of the world.

He snatched his phone away from Dorothy, pressed a button and pinched the area in-between his eyes as he walked to the middle of the room, his long braid following him like a tail.

"Is he making the call?" Dorthy asked almost nervously, yet sounding a small bit relieved and encouraged.

"I think so." I replied, sitting down next to her on the fancy sofa.

"Well that's very noble of him. Never thought he would actually do it." Dorothy snorted and examined her blood on the towel.

"Me neither, but he's doing it."

"Could you two shut up?" Pip raised his voice at us and shot an angry glare to his phone and we cursed our lips.

I sat beside her awkwardly and watched her mouth. It wasn't pretty. She showed me the towel and made a disgusted expression. When I flinched away slightly, she concealed a laugh.

"The line is closed but the dentist opens at six." he told us.

"Then what will happen to me?" Dorothy asked in panic.

"I can't let Minnie see this!" she yelled and turned to me.

"When does your first lesson start?" he asked. He was looking at me.

"Uh... eight forty-five." I told him and he nodded to himself, gaze darting away to the floor.

He sniffed and looked at Dorothy.

"If I drive you there tonight, will promise me to never bother me again?" he asked her.

Dorothy was frowning at first, but then she was exhilarated and nodded eagerly. Relief and hope in her eyes.

"Yes. Yes! With pleasure!" she said and jumped off the couch. "Where did I put my tooth..." she looked around.

Pip made eye contact with me and smiled.

"And don't think you can escape this. You'll be keeping me company on the road." he said.

And I thought;

 _"Yes. Yes! With pleasure!"_

* * *

It felt almost unreal as we sneaked out into the parking lot in the middle of the night, having no idea if Miss Hepburn had heard anything about the fight or not.

Dorothy decided to take a nap in the back of the car.

I would keep Pip company on the road.

"Do you really have time for this?" I asked him, watching him adjust the hat on his head after stepping into the car.

"No. But we don't have any choice, do we Lydia?" Pip asked me with a big grin and shot a glance at the back seat, where Dorothy already had made herself comfortable with her tooth inside another towel.

There we sailed through the night's darkness in Pip's Volvo, without anyone else's knowledge than our own.

Without exaggeration, it may have been the most exciting thing I've done. A forbidden car ride in company with my best friend, and my true love.

Pip was the one true love of my life. I do believe in true love. Such love can change but it can never go away.

Despite everything.

After a wordless silence for about ten minutes, Pip glanced in the mirror at Dorothy's sleeping form.

"Is she asleep?" he asked in a whisper.

It was strange, hearing Pip whispering at times.

"Yes." I said. "Snuggled up. Dorothy have never had issues with her sleep. Waking her up is the tricky part."

"Good." Pip said, still whispering. "Because I need to ask you something."

He switched speed and I felt how the car went slightly faster. Soon we were on the highway.

I looked at him just in time for his question. His skin glowed in the traffic lights in the pitch black night. When he looked at me, his eye gleamed.

"Where you serious back then?" he asked. "Would you actually have slept with me, despite everything?" he asked seriously.

 ** _Despite everything._**

I looked at the road in front of us.

"What a question..." I said with a nervous little laugh.

"Don't act prude. I've seen you in another state." he said knowingly and I cleared my throat and swallowed, looking out from the side window instead.

I felt flames underneath my skin.

"Then why do you ask? If you managed to unlock that state."

"Unlock?" Pip asked with a laugh.

"You know what I mean." I said to him.

"What? That I heated you up a little? Turned you on?"

"Must we talk about this now?" I whispered to him harshly, glancing back at Dorothy.

He was easy to get annoyed with these past hours.

"She's fast asleep. You said so yourself."

"But the principle..." I mumbled and dared to look at him after a long time.

His eye was on the road. I began wondering if he even was allowed to drive, with half-vision...

"You truly want me. It makes me very proud, you know." he said.

"My little Lydia."

* * *

It was actually the cold that had woken me up. I had dreamed about Felicia having returned to the boarding house and that everything had gotten ordinary, but then I found myself in Pip's Volvo, freezing.

"There we go." Pip said just in time for when I had woken up and realized that it was early morning, and the daylight pierced into my eyes.

The car shook slightly before the engine stopped and Pip had turned the key. I rubbed my eyes and looked back at Dorothy. She was wide awake.

"Let's get this son of a bitch tooth back in..." she muttered and hopped out from the car and slammed the door shut without asking any of us to keep her company.

Dorothy wasn't a phone call person, but when it came to actual physical errands, she was truly that _"Can I speak to the manager?" **-**_ kind of woman.

"This is not a gypsy wagon!" Pip yelled after her but she had already walked up the doorsteps to the apartment building with her tooth in a loving hold to her chest.

The dentist would be at the top floor, according to the information that we previously had received.

Apperiently, Pip had called them another time this morning when I was fast asleep.

"Is this where we drive off?" Pip asked me jokingly when we no longer could see any trace of my best friend.

The light still hurt my eyes and when I swallowed, the inside of my mouth tasted bad. I wanted to brush my teeth so badly.

"For how long did I sleep?" I asked Pip and looked at him.

His hands were still on the steering wheel as he glanced at me.

"About halfway through." he answered with a calming smile.

I was still freezing, even though the sun was shining like a godsend outside.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"The woman on the phone told me that it generally takes about an hour to place a single implant." he replied and rolled down the window.

I mentally protested and felt my skin react to the sudden fresh air. Pip fished out a cigarette and I bit my lip, feeling myself getting a small bit irritated. He was taking too long and it wasn't too much for him to step out from the car and smoke outside.

He finally lit the burning stick and turned his head to breathe out a portion of smoke through the window.

"When will we get back to the boarding house?" I asked.

"Just in time for your English class." he replied.

Pip had an answer to anything. I liked that. I sighed and tried to make myself comfortable in the car seat. There wasn't much outside to be impressed by. There was a red truck outside of my window and before us was the apartment building/dentist that Dorothy had entered.

A young blonde runner ran on the sidewalk in front of the car and Pip's head followed after her bouncing ponytail. It made my heart sink in my chest. I felt ugly sitting there with that taste in my mouth, and I couldn't remove the feeling of jealousy. Pip's gaze landed on me again, like he had read my mind and knew that I noticed him staring after that lady.

"Are you tired Lydia?"

I knew he asked that because I looked tired. Not alert and healthy like the person who just was jogging before us.

"Would you still look at other girls if I had had sex with you?" I asked him and looked down at my knees, rubbing them with my hands. My legs felt cold too.

"What makes you think that?" Pip asked with a weak laugh as he took another blow on his cigarette.

"I noticed you staring at her." I said, and there I knew that I had done it.

I had gone bananas. Paranoid. Hypochondriac. Obsessive fake girlfriend.

Pip coughed and cleared his throat.

"Lydia..." he muttered.

I looked at him.

"It wouldn't have mattered to you, would it? I would've just been another intercourse to you." I decided.

Pip sighed and tipped some ash on the concrete outside. His arm was hanging outside the window.

"You see Lydia. This is why I'm happy it didn't happen." he confessed and I stared at him with a frown.

"You're happy..." I mumbled, and Pip's eye widened a little, like he had regretted his words.

"Lydia."

"You know what? Screw you." I said and unbuckled my seatbelt.

His hand grabbed my wrist.

"Lydia."

"Don't touch me!"

My sudden shriek made his hand dart away and I took that opportunity to open the door and spurt out into the cold air.

But Pip wasn't far behind.

"Where are you going?" I heard his voice after me, calm and completely done with me.

"Away from you." I said with dedicated steps, heading over a small field of grass beside the parking lot.

I spotted a lake nearby, which I was drawn to.

"You're dumb now Lydia. Get back to the car."

"Never."

I felt his hand on me again. He swirled me around to face him.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed

"Get back inside the car, NOW!" Pip roared.

"Is everything under control here?"

Both of our attentions turned to that sudden third part, who had interfered in this situation.

It was a police officer.


	26. Communication

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

I sniffed and looked at Pip, both regreting and not regreting running away, because I was slightly curious at how Pip would handle this, and a bit thankful for the man's interference. Pip could be scary at times, and what kind of person could protect me from Pip if not a police man?

But then again, Pip could also be a genius at times.

"Yes... My sister is just making a fuss about my upcoming service in the Civil war next year. She's having a hard time accepting my labor. I'm a professional mercenary, Captain of The Wild Geese." Pip said, like he had dealt with cops before and the man stared at the medal Pip showed him and excused himself.

"I understand." he said, and then looked at me seriously, like I was to blame for all of this.

I had gotten tired of people looking at me in that manner. I still felt way too young and frail to deal with such adult expressions.

"I'm sure your brother will return home safely. Think about the profit for your family. There should be more men like him. I would've been a trained military as well if it wasn't for my daughter." he said and Pip and I stood there silently, none of us sure what to say.

I wasn't foolish. I couldn't spoil Pip's perfect lie by telling the awful truth.

Everything were not under control.

My emotions were running wild. Pip couldn't tame them and I couldn't deal with him either. Our runaway train relationship had turned into a trainwreck. My grades were a catastrophy. My best friend lost her tooth. Felicia had to leave us. Two wild animals had died in my presence, Minnie was abused by a man, all thanks to me.

And Pip was a man who needed sex which I wasn't even ready for, even though I once thought that I was.

We had managed to break each other's hearts, yet we both worshipped one another.

How in the world did it come to this?

The police nodded at Pip and Pip touched his hat with a nod of his own.

As soon as the man turned away, I continued my escape.

And Pip followed me wordlessly, all the way to the litte creek where I slummed down in the grass.

"The grass is wet. You'll catch a cold." Pip said to me, yet sitting down himself.

"I don't care about that." I said gloomily.

"Don't be like this, my darling..."

"Don't call me such things." I slurred at him. "And if that police officer is spying on us, he might think of us as some incest-"

Pip suddenly grabbed a hold of my hair which was gathered in a (messy) ponytail. He tugged my head back slightly.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed and frowned at him. "What was that for?!"

"I need you to calm down Lydia." he told me and stared at my face. "Things won't always be this way. One day, we won't even be able to argue with each other. Don't you see? So why aren't we trying to make it as good as we can?"

His words were sensible. Of course they were, but something within me wished me to cover my ears and muffle whatever came out of his mouth. I couldn't stand hearing about that "one day" where it all would be gone.

I wasn't strong enough.

The idea that Pip could actually get killed in battle was a devastating thought for me.

"What is wrong with me Pip?" I asked after he released my hair. "Why am I like this? Why aren't I like other girls?"

"I don't know any of that." Pip replied calmly, almost adding a laugh. "But I don't hate it at all. Don't ever try to be less than what you are Lydia." he said and looked at the water before us.

"What if I never stop loving you? What will become of me then?" I asked him with a frown.

I wasn't as cold as I once was. Or maybe the cold just had made me numb.

"You'll let go. Eventually. You'll have to." he answered.

"Would you mind that?"

Pip laughed.

"Of course I would." he said , almost sounding angry. "I know there is no other girl like you; who loves me like this."

"Then why can't we..." I stopped myself.

"Why can't we?" Pip asked, wishing me to fill in my question.

I sighed.

"Why can't we be together?"

It took a moment before Pip replied.

And when he did, his answer was blunt.

"I might die Lydia. We can build something remarkable together. But there will always be a risk that I'll die, and when I do, I must leave you all on your own. What's left of you then?"

I almost wanted to laugh. Pip couldn't die. He would live on. Years after years. Even after I die. He's eternal. That's just what I was thinking. Pip Bernadotte was immortal and there was nothing that could destroy him.

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you." I said, secretly hoping that it hurt him.

"I don't." he said with a smile.

"I'm very thankful for having met you Lydia. You're an angel."

"No I'm not."

"You are just what I think you are. Believe me... You are. Truly."

"Stop. You're just saying that but you don't really mean it."

"Of course I do. One look at you would let me know that you are."

I sniffed and turned my head to look at Pip properly ever since I left the car. He was still looking happy.

"And whether I meet one woman or fifty women in the future, there will be no other Lydia. And whoever I kiss, I will stop for a moment and imagine it is you who I kiss. I'll think of you in my most fatal moment."

A shiver danced along my spine. There was that cold again.

"In that way. You will be my last kiss, even if you're not there with me. You'll always be in my heart, and I will never forget you."

I shuffled closer to him and leaned on his shoulder. I felt him move and glance down at me.

"I'm very cold Pip." I said to him.

"Let's go back to the car then."

"Yes perhaps." I said.

"Perhaps we should."

* * *

Dorothy couldn't stop examining her mouth in the small mirror inside her powder box. She was satisfied with her teeth, despite the time it took. We only arrived seven minutes late to class, and we arrived together with Miss Hepburn who also happened to be late, and in a unusually happy mood.

"I won't say anything if you two won't." she told us jokingly as we collided in the doorway to the conference room.

Dorothy and I looked at each other, not knowing what was about to happen as we entered the room.

"What's all this chattering about?" Dorothy muttered as we took our seats and looked suspiciously at the girls.

Not only Miss Hepburn was in a happy mood. All of the girls were.

"As all of you must've heard... our traditional school ball is coming up." Miss Hepburn announced as she stood in front of the class without bothering to sit down.

She had always been fond of these kinds of things, despite being the strict housekeeper.

"But how is that supposed to happen?" Dorothy asked. "Our dorm is still not finished, and the boy's school are way too haughty to invite us. It has always been our thing to do."

"Well we'll invite them here then. The boarding house can help us with catering. And we can have it in the lounge. It's big enough."

Some of the girls began whispering to each other with mischievous eyes and smiles. Dorothy looked at me in disgust.

The ball was the last thing on my mind. I leaned in towards my friend.

"I haven't seen Minnie anywhere." I whispered, and she immediately cheered up.

"Well, I might've given her a little something to remember me too. Although, it is not as savage as she had managed with my teeth but at least it will make her a laughing stock for a couple of days."

"You mean... You've given her a black eye?"

"Quite right." she smirked, and I wasn't sure what to say after that.

A part of me couldn't believe that my best friend was this kind of gangster.

But that chapter was turned.

Next up was the horrid school ball.

It has been a 30 year old tradition for our girl's school to collaborate with our brother-school each year to have a ball at the end of autumn. Like Dorothy mentioned, it was usually our school to host the boys school.

It never really ended well.

* * *

Pip had went back to his suite after we had arrived from the dentist. He needed to get some sleep after the long driving session, and I couldn't blame him for it. Dorothy and I had been half-sleeping throughout the entire journey, so at least we could cope with another full-time day at the boarding house.

At least that's what I thought...

"You weren't here last night."

I jumped as I filled a glass of milk that I would bring Dorothy, and my heart stopped when I found Daniel on my side. I had insisted to ignore him ever since Pip had told me more about him, but obviously I hadn't tried hard enough to do so.

I looked away from his blue eyes and looked around for help. But no one was near us. He had caught me by myself at the drink station. I was trapped.

"I hope that I didn't upset you yesterday." he said. "Despite you clearly having a reason for it."

I looked down at the white liquid in the glass, getting a sudden instinct to turn over the glass and pour it on his boots.

"How did you know I was gone last night?" I asked him carefully.

His answer scared me more than I thought it would.

"Your bed was empty."

A bolt burst through me then, and all I wanted was to get out of there, but Daniel was prepared and grabbed onto my arms firmly.

"I think it's time for you to value the idea of seizing the moment, Lydia. Everything has been thrown up in the air, you'll see... All these preconvinced ideas about what's right and proper has gone with the wind." he spoke to me in a murmur, large hands keeping me in place by the soft flesh in my upper arms.

I tried to talk myself out of the situation, since my body wasn't strong enough to face his.

"Listen Daniel. I'm sorry if I've given you any wrong ideas but..."

"There's no wrong ideas." he interrupted calmly.

When our eyes met, it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. Daniel looked a bit troubled then, almost like he noticed what he had done to me. But then he smiled.

"He's nice, Captain Bernadotte, isn't he?" he suddenly asked, stroking my limbs with his big thumbs. "A very considerate man... But I'm not sure such things matter, when it comes to murder."

"Or rape." I blurted out and for once in my life, I might have surprised Daniel for the very first time.

He looked so taken aback I could see all the whites around his orbs.

"Well... I'm sure you're aware of how things can... intensefy when there's war going on." he said and let go of my arms, like he suddenly realized that it was a mistake, touching me.

"I hope you understand that captain... feels duty-bound to say yes to you and make you feel as good as he can when he's off to his battles, and all the rest of it. But you and I, Lydia... We're strong you and I... Allow me to spare you the humiliation and grief from a broken heart and let me take you into mine... make you feel loved."

"No. I don't think it's right." I said, not daring to listen to his words and looked elsewhere.

"I know you won't be happy with anyone else as long as he walkes the earth, but could you at least try?" he asked, removing a hair from my sight gently.

"I'm sorry Daniel, I-"

"Do you dislike me so much?" he asked and I looked up at him. Like I had woken up from a dream.

I just stared at him. I didn't have a answer.

"I see..." Daniel said and just as I suspected him to turn away and give up on me, he suddenly did the exact opposite.

He angled my chin up with both of his hands and kissed me on the mouth with such spontaniousness that it took me a moment to actually understand that he was doing it.

When I did, I stumbled back, and dropped the glass of milk on the floor. I whimpered as my hands reached up to his, trying to remove them from my head.

"What are you doing?!" I exclaimed after he pulled away, feeling myself blush madly.

I tried to glance at to floor where the glass had fallen, but he was in the way.

"Communication is important. How else are we suppose to understand each other? I'd think we'd do well together, Lydia. You and I. We could be a good team. I mean it." he grumbled and tucked my hair behind my both ears and looked at my face with a odd expression. He looked almost bored.

"There's no hurry." he said.

A boarding house guest suddenly entered the scene and poured a glass with juice. It was a middle aged woman who frowned at the shattered glass on the floor as she had stepped over it with her heels, but she didn't mind us. She probably thought we were a actual couple.

Since Daniel was holding me so tenderly.

* * *

When I sat with Dorothy again, it came to my realization that she didn't know a lot about Daniel. It made me both relieved and nervous. A part of me wanted her to know, but since she have a tendency to act on her brainless ideas, I decided to leave it alone.

"What took you so long?" she complained when I gave her the milk.

"The cow was stubborn." I replied and glanced carefully in the direction I came from.

* * *

"It's so difficult..." Dorothy muttered. "I'm afraid I might burn you."

"You won't burn me." I assured, despite sweating at the fact that she held a hot curling iron a few milimeters from my temple.

Dorothy let out a sigh and released the iron from my hair and we both witnessed a perfect lock dance and form next to my face.

"Ooh la la..." Dorothy said with a smirk and played with the curled lock she had managed to make. "Well isn't this fancy?" she smiled at me and I glanced at her teeth.

"How does it feel?" I asked her.

"Odd. Like something that aren't supposed to be there really." she said and brushed her tounge over her new tooth.

Dorothy walked around my chair and started curling the other side of my hair.

"Perhaps I shall put up my hair in some elegant updo or something. I don't want to bother doing this on myself, it takes too much time." she complained, speculating about the upcoming ball.

We were just testing out new hairstyles, despite not being sure if we would attend the ball or not.

"Are you going to ask Leif to join you?" I asked her teasingly.

"Don't be daft. There's no chance we're allowed to invite any of the military men to the ball. So if you want to dance walz with Pip, you ought to take him to the forest at midnight." she teased, but let out a sigh.

"It's odd with Leif. I haven't seen him for ages... What if he get som mad idea and show up on the ball in a tailcoat or something..."

"Try not to worry."

Dorothy looked insulted.

"I try to. But I won't suceed."

"I don't think Pip enjoys dancing very much." I said, smiling a crocked smile at the idea of that.

"I know our relationship is overcomplicated. But I can't think of anything but him, Dory." I admitted, looking sadly at my own reflection. "It's as if I were mad or sick. I suppose that's what love is, a sickness."

"I know." Dorothy said.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. Should we try putting it up in a ponytail now?" she asked.

And I decided to ignore that.

For just a little moment.

* * *

When the evening came, I was on my way to see Pip again, who had told me that he would've been awake by then.

He was awake like he had said, although I did not expect him in the state he was in.

"Sorry. I didn't know you were changing." I said, about to step out from his suite, but Pip seemed to not be bothered with me being there with him half naked one bit.

He continued examining the scar on his ribcage, his trousers hanging loose around his hips.

"I know being dressed and undressed is an intimate business." he mumbled with a little smirk.

"Where have you been all day?" he asked me.

"Nowhere. I have just been busy." I replied, almost feeling like he knew what had happened in the dining room with Daniel.

He turned to me.

"What are you up to now then?" he asked.

"I'm not doing anything. I thought I'd get away from school ball panic."

"Don't you like balls?"

"I like the concept but not really the actual thing."

Pip laughed, but got serious once he took a closer look at me.

"You've changed your hair." he noticed and stepped closer.

"I... might've." I said awkwardly as he examined the curled edges of my hair.

"It was Dorothy's idea." I said, blaming her if he wasn't too much impressed by it.

But with those words, Pip seemed to have lost all interest in my new look.

"That Dorothy... Am I to never be free of her?" he asked with a sigh.

I laughed.

"We need to bring her and Leif together. I dont think they've officially met since he came back from Poland." I said.

"Let's not interfere with that..." Pip said, looking repulsed by the idea. "I'm sure Leif can manage with her just fine, just as long as he get to speak with her."

"But she's been avoiding him." I informed.

"I know. He won't keep quiet about it."

"Then why not help him? I'm sure Dorothy must feel _something_ about him."

"Lydia. Let's not push things. If they like each other, they will know."

"But if they won't communicate, then how in the world will they be able to develop their relationship? Communication is important."

I stopped myself.

 _Communication is important._

Where had I heard that from?

"My dear... in war, everyone is to support the nature and desire to win."

Daniel. It was Daniel's words. I found myself frowning in silence. Daniel. Did he really fancy me the way he stated?

"Lydia, what's the matter?" Pip asked and waved his hand in front of my face. "I didn't offend you again, did I?"

"No." I said. "Of course not. No. I'm not that sensitive." I said and smiled at him, but looked away quickly.

I couldn't tell him about Daniel. It was too soon for that, and I don't know how he would react at me being alone with him again, after Pip even had warned me about him.

"You look very nice. With your hair like that. But I would like you in any form, really." Pip complimented and touched the side of my face.

"You're not very good at dancing are you?" I asked him teasingly, remembering Dorothy's theory.

"Please don't spread the word of my incompetence..." he murmured and our lips locked like it had become a common and natural action for us both to fullfill.

My hand touched the naked skin on his stomach and went up towards his semi-hairy chest, and his hands reached up to gather all the locks around my head amongst his fingers. It made me release a small giggle along with a soft moan.

Just when I felt Pip's mouth curve into a big smile, three loud knocks sounded through the room and I flied away from Pip.

"Who is it?" I whispered to him, like he was the one to know.

When he gave me a confused frown, I went to hide behind the door.

Pip pulled on his jacket, but before he could answer the door, it opened and I heard the sound of woman heels across the floor.

"Mister Bernadotte?"

I couldn't believe it.

It was Miss Hepburn's voice, Miss Hepburn visited Pip!

"Don't look so bewildered. I can't be the first woman pushing into your room."


	27. Cherished

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"Don't look so bewildered. I can't be the first woman pushing into your room." I heard her say, and for a moment I actually thought that she would expose me, or worse...

Try something very unorthodox herself. Her words did frighten me quite a bit, since it sounded like she intended to make a pass at him, Pip.

But Pip didn't have time to answer before she spoke again, and there was no stopping her. It was like an full on introduction to one of her courses in the conference room..

"Years ago, me and the other teachers back at the base campus had to come to terms with the fact that our old girl's school had been put to rest, and that the school had to be, to a certain extend, reinvented and placed on a more businesslike footing, and all sorts of considerations that I have considered vulgar and ridiculous have already come out to play; and the cats have been thrown to the pidgets and there's no stopping it."

She was talking so loudly and strictly that I didn't dare to have a look at the scene in case she would notice me. I listened to her words carefully with my eyes wide opened, although all I was seeing was a wall by the end of the room and a part of a large window. The rest was blocked by the door I was hiding behind. She didn't surprise me with that speech; I wouldn't have expected any less from her.

Our dearest Miss Hepburn.

"And to make matters worse, we have a tradition to maintain in a few weeks. A tradition which I'm sure you've heard about already." she said, not exactly sounding keen on that idea.

"The ball?" Pip asked her.

I bit my lip, because I was the one telling him about it.

Unless he knew it before my visit, but I doubt it.

"Exactly." Miss Hepburn stated, and I could almost see her suspicious glance. Feel it in the air, through the thick wood on the door.

"You must be aware of the fact that you and your men cause a great deal of discomfort in this house, so there is nothing strange for me to want you to keep them away from the lounge. During the ball, and during preparations next week." she demanded from Pip, who didn't fancy the idea more than I did.

"It's a boarding house. I have every right to be in the lounge, just as the lot of them. We're paying to live here." Pip said without losing his calm, and of course I agreed with his words.

Miss Hepburn didn't, of course.

"We can't allow adult military men turning up on a school ball for young students, I forbid it!" she shouted and I nearly made the door move by shuffling closer to the wall behind me.

"It's extraordinary and dangerous, and it will not be allowed or accepted by me, or any of the responsible at the base." she said more calmly.

"There's a threat in there, somewhere." Pip said, sounding amused.

Miss Hepburn scoffed at his claim and I heard her heels again, assuming she was examining the suite.

"Clearly we are of different lumber. Not to menation our social differences and grading, but from what I understand, you've gotten slightly close to one of my students already." Miss Hepburn said and made a sharp stop.

Her heel nearly stomped on the floorboards, and her words made my stomach hurt.

"Lydia? I admire her immensly." Pip said.

I swallowed something in my throat as silently as I could, trying not to mind that my heart had turned into a fire ball in my chest.

"I'm sure you do... but Lydia, I think, justifiably, recognizes in herself that if she is not to have you, who is the man she is in love with. The quality that you, mister Bernadotte possess must be impossible to find in an outsider from elsewhere, particularly in her own age. She is not going to be happy with some young gentleman from Oxford or Harvard. That isn't who she is. She wants you only, with every fibre of her being."

"Where are you going with this?" Pip asked her, and I could hear the frustration in his voice and how difficult those words must've been for him to listen to, considering I've already confessed to him more times than what is good for any of us.

"Nowhere." she said, and then my curiousity got the best of me and I caught a glimpse of her taking a sharp step towards him.

"Only that I think you do not know what you've done. You have stolen her heart and she've let you. She's forgetting herself, only because of you. And I think I know what kind of man you are, despite being an old one, and played out."

"I'm a grown man, and I have my needs, ma'am." Pip said with his back straight as a pine and glanced down at her indifferently.

Miss Hepburn took a deep breath. It looked like she was about the beat him by the head.

"Don't ever say that to her. Or anything like it. And it's _Miss Hepburn_ for you too, you flash piece of canon food..." she said and took another small step towards Pip.

It made me realize how brave she was. And how brave I had been.

Miss Hepburn had her back at me, and she was one head shorter than him. I wondered what she was thinking, having a soldier tower over her with his shirt wide open.

I could see it then. Clearly than any other time. We were from completely different worlds. Only that I and now our woman in charge had been trespassing on theirs.

Together with Dorothy, Felicia and even Minnie.

We were bonkers, everyone. Domestic lapdogs trying to fit in with a pack of wolves.

"How smooth you are Miss Hepburn..." Pip took a step towards her as well. "What a model of manners and elegance..."

"Stop that at once." Miss Hepburn barked and took a modest little step backwards, sounding more offended than flattered.

"You're not worthy of her love, don't you see? You're not worthy of anyone's love." she said to Pip, spitting venom on his mere being.

"I know." Pip answered grimly.

I felt a pain inside me and for a brief moment, the room went completely quiet.

I wanted to run up to him and cover his ears and convince him that she was wrong, and that he was deserved to be loved like any other person.

"Then don't think for a second that her love will ever wash you clean." Miss Hepburn told him and straightened her posture and sniffed sharply, like she trying to hold back another outburst.

"Why do you think she feels this way?" Pip asked her after another moment of silence, sounding awfully kind to her.

"Because you allow her to be herself. That's more than I do." she replied with another scoff, but then she cleared her throat and straightened her skirt, like she regretted her own words.

"And it's better be an old man's darling than a young man's slave." she added quickly, and made a swift turn.

I took a step back behind the door again immediently.

"Just stay out of it, if you know what's good for you." was her last words before leaving; she spoke them just as she was on the other side of the opened door and I could hear her very clearly, echoing inside the door wood.

I counted to ten and stepped out from my secret spot, a moment after she had stormed out into the corridor. I shut the door slowly and carefully, and locked it just to be safe.

It made Pip release a loud sigh. He looked at me with a soft frown.

"She called me old and played out, but aren't I'm the same age as her?" he asked, sounding amusingly offended and I covered my mouth, trying not to laugh at it.

"She's only referring to our age gap, or the class gap really." I told him and walked passed his standing form to sit down on his bed.

Pip swirled around to look at me.

"It's a real battle, little Lydia. Everything we believe in will be tested and held up for the world to see. Events are constantly conspiring against us to be together." he said, still sounding offended.

"I know..." I sighed and looked at the messy bed cover. "We do carry a bit of luggage, and I am sorry for everything that has made it heavier for us Pip."

"Don't say sorry to me."

"I mean it. I think Miss Hepburn was too hard on you too. She made you appear with a dishonest representation."

"Did she, really?" Pip asked with a short laugh. "Perhaps she's the only one who's brave enough to face the truth."

"Is she your brave girl now?" I asked him and tilted my head to the side with a smug glance.

"Don't be silly." he said, looking repelled by that idea, and I giggled.

I then looked down at my black mary jane shoes and let out another sigh, realizing what all Miss Hepburn's demands meant.

"Well I suppose there will be no evolving relationship for Dorothy and Leif now." I complained, heart sinking at that fact.

"Lydia, why do you insist on playing Cupid?" Pip chuckled.

"Well, we don't have one." I said, not meaning to sound so snobbish, but I did.

I didn't get the laugh I expected to get from Pip. In fact, I'm afraid I involuntarily insulted him.

"Please woman! I'm done with these petty domestic battles that are being fought on the home front. There is heightened emotion every day in this damned, fucking house." he cursed and I looked away elsewhere, like I heard someone call for me from the other room or outside one of the windows.

But of course my nonchalant attempt did not last very long.

"You know... Perhaps you do need a young chap with his life ahead of him." Pip suggested, but it didn't sound very encouraging coming from his lips.

"Oh, shut up!" I said and stood up again, turning to him in annoyance.

"You've heard Miss Hepburn... I can't be with anyone else. Not as long as you're here." I told him.

"And I shall meet this with as much grace as I can muster." I said, and it made Pip snort.

"With every bit of the passion, energy, and commitment... Don't make yourself look ridiculous Lydia. WAKE UP!" he shouted, and I looked away again.

"I can't." I said, not minding him yelling at me for once.

That's how comfortable I had gotten with him.

"It's too difficult now. I can't handle it at all." I confessed, and Pip looked completely washed out of his rage and released a sigh. The softness in him hadn't dried up completely.

"Cope. Lydia. Cope... Perhaps we should allow things to evolve a bit gently after all." he said, and I stared at him.

"We've been on the edge of this thing for way too many times Pip. Please don't take me there unless you are certain."

"I'm not uncertain."

That's when I felt it was the right time to leave the room.

* * *

The next day, all of our classes had been cancelled. Miss Hepburn had went to London for some matters and left us alone in charge for our own work. Since it was raining, Dorothy and I had decided to explore the boarding house, perhaps intending to find a place that was all our own.

But before I could reach the cigar bar where we intended to meet, I saw Daniel again, in the middle of a random hallway. He was soaked. He must've just been outside in the rain.

"Hello."

 _Why in the world did I greet him?_

He reminded me of Pip, that day when he had picked me up from my room when the others were at the Zoo.

"Hello my sweet one." he replied without looking at me.

I suddenly understood that he was rummaging through a cleaning trolley.

"Um." I said, and that was all it took before his head lollied up.

A piece of blonde hair got in his piercing blue eyes.

"I'm trying to find something to clean my boots with." he explained and I examined the trolley.

"Maybe I should take a look in the storage room instead." he sighed and straightened his posture, offering me a smile.

"What do you say?" he asked and walked with me through the hall.

"I know nothing of any storage room." I told him.

"On every floor, and always acessable for some reason. Ah, here it is."

Daniel stopped and opened a door without any number sign on it and stepped in. My head peeked inside. It was much larger than I thought it would be. Like my room almost. It made me think that it maybe had been a room.

"This is not allowed." Daniel said and looked at me, like he was warning me from doing it myself.

He reached up to a shelf and brought down a box, looked inside, and then tossed it back on the shelf.

I heard something by the end of the hallway.

"Someone's coming!" I said, feeling my heart rate speed up. Without thinking, I stepped inside the storage room and closed the door.

And then the light went out.

I let out a gasp and Daniel chuckled in the darkness. It may have been the first time I heard his laugh, and it was not at all evil.

"The lights are automatic. It goes out when the door is closed in order to save energy." he explained.

"Okay." I just said, not knowing what to do. I couldn't walk out again, then I would expose us.

But then again. That migh've been just the right moment for a modest confrontation.

"I'm afraid I need to ask you something." I said, not sure where I should put my eyes since I saw nothing in front of me.

"Afraid? I don't see why you're afraid." he replied and I let out a nervous chuckle.

"Well, I... must know if you were being sincere that time. When you said- _hinted_ that you liked me. Why would being with me matter to someone like you?" I asked, knowing about Pip's uncaring nature when it came to a faithful relationship.

"What it would mean if you were my girl?" he asked, sounding very serious.

"Yes." I answered, almost stuttering.

I had my hand placed on the door handle, in case I needed to escape the situation.

"Only that I would've been bursting with pride." he stated, and I wasn't sure what to answer then, so the storage room fell deadly silent.

"When did someone last cherish you?" I heard him ask softly.

His question was sudden and struck me dumb.

I blinked in confusion. Dark. Dark. I couldn't tell the difference.

"I believe you heard me."

"I did but I don't understand."

"Then it must've been a long time since someone did cherish you."

"Perhaps."

Suddenly, I felt it once again.

The curves of another body that weren't Pip's. But Daniel's body were nothing like Oscar's; it was strong like Pip's, perhaps even stronger and his wide shoulders were so large that I didn't know where to touch him.

Daniel was trapping me against the door. If my hand moved down the doorhandle, we both would fall out in the hallway. Or if someone opened it from the outside. It would be a fun sight to behold.

"You're wound up with Pip. You feel an intensity about what you're in danger of losing." he told me softly, like he understood exactly how I felt.

He smelled like outdoors. And detergent, and something else. Iron, maybe.

"So now you know my secret. I can't do anything about it." I answered.

"But I can." he said, sounding determinded.

"I can make sure you don't have to worry about anything like that, you'll see...You will never be in danger of losing me."

I wasn't afraid. He had this convincing fresh scent on him that made him appear so normal, and I wasn't afraid to inhale him. His face waited patiently on my response as I felt his soft breaths on the tip of my nose, and before I knew any better, our lips united and curved over each other instinctively.

His big hands moved down to grab onto my sides firmly as he pulled me further into the darkness and moved me back into a shelf. At least that's what I thought it was. I felt something soft press against my shoulder blades. Maybe it was a pile of towels or sheets.

"What will you do?" I asked him in a breath, trying to see his light blue eyes in the dark, but only the darkness replied to me.

"Nothing you'll not enjoy, I promise you that."

Suddenly, a wave of sore tears stung in my eyes.

"I do love him, you know." I said to him. "And I could've loved him more if he'd let me." I said, and then the cry could be heard in my voice.

Daniel sounded just as firm as before.

"Lydia... You can't punish yourself forever."

His lips first crashed down on my chin but they found my mouth in the blink of an eye. When my hands went up to his uniform jacket, it was wet from rain. I couldn't think straight. It was all happening so fast.

I jumped as he managed to find both of my hands in the dark and held them still. That's when I no longer felt his mouth on mine.

"You're trembling." Daniel said to me. I couldn't tell if he was disturbed or worried about it. Maybe both. Maybe neither.

His hands were warm and dry, despite his uniform being soaked.

"I just feel to much." I replied in a whisper, and then I did the unexpected and moved closer to him, not caring if the water rubbed off on me.

"Make it stop." I asked him, and I felt a shaky exhale leave his body and his grip on my hands hardened.

"Haven't you heard..." he whispered.

It was the first time I heard Daniel whisper, especially in such an intimate way. His lips were nudging my ear.

"You should be careful what you wish for."

And we were French kissing. It was difficult to use that term on someone that wasn't french, like Pip was. Daniel was made of completely other stuff. Wherever he came from, his way felt way more different. Every move surprised me. There was something wild and tame within him that couldn't deside whether to be just that, wild or tamed.

"I always wanted this." he breathed inbetween our liplock. "It was always you, you know. I always knew you were different Lydia."

He moved away from me briefly.

I heard something shuffle and then get tossed to the floor. When my hands returned to his torso, his jacket was missing and I felt warm fabric under my fingers, and muscles underneath it, skin and flesh radiating warmth.

"I might have a heartattack." I said in a silly whisper, and Daniel laughed, holding me near him.

"We can't have that yet." he whispered back, and we kissed again.

With that kiss, a piercing light entered the room. Daniel and I frowned in tandem and I pulled away from him, but he remained as close.

"Oh!" someone exclaimed.

And if I thought I would've had a heartattack earlier, it was nothing in comparison to then.

Seeing Leif standing in the doorway was one of the worst scenarios that could happen.

"I've lost my towel." he told us.

I couldn't look at him. Daniel looked above my head and reached after something. Then he tossed a towel at Leif who caught it awkwardly.

And before I knew it. The light went out again, and Daniel let out a chuckle in the dark.

"It was just Leif." he murmured.

My eyes were peered open in the dark the entire time.

Because I knew it wasn't just Leif.


	28. Take heed

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

 _Walls have ears._

 _Doors have eyes._

 _Trees have voices._

 _Beasts tell lies._

 _Beware the rain._

 _Beware the snow._

 _Beware the man_

 _You think you know._

 _ **\- Songs of Sapphique**_

* * *

I was disgusted with my body. It didn't feel like my own anymore.

I didn't go any further than that with Daniel. I had no clues about how I managed to escape the situation, but I did. Nevertheless; "All the way" did not happen, neither with Pip or with Daniel and that was something I could thank God for.

Leif was a wake-up-call that made me realize the madness I had tangled myself into. Just because Pip didn't make our relationship an easy one gave me absolutely no reason to go on a revenge holiday to honor my own pity, no matter how attracted I was to the next man.

The exploring with Dorothy started at the cigar bar (I was 13 minutes late) and ended in the basement area, in the kitchen next to the laundry room where we had been a few times.

I felt soiled, there was no question about it. I had pretty much been cheating on Pip, and the walls had ears and eyes and the world knew about it. I couldn't think of anything but the scent Daniel had left on me, or the memory of the tingling sensation in my womanhood with his firm body before me and the softness of the towels behind me.

Or his accurate and promising words that were haunting my mind.

"Do you think Oscar will come to the ball?" Dorothy asked me, pouring me a glass of cider that didn't belong to any of us, but to some poor boarding house guest that had left it in the fridge.

"Why would he do that?" I asked her.

"He's going to the other school. Have you forgotten? What's the matter with you, Lydia? You're miles away!"

"Nothing. I've just got alot to think about." I answered, not really telling her the untruth.

Yet, Dorothy gave me a skeptical glance over her glass.

"Talk to me." she said.

But of course I couldn't do that. Not about what had happened in the storage room.

Dorothy wasn't an angel either, but what in the world would she think of me if she knew what I've done?

"I don't think Oscar will show up." I told her with a smile.

"If he knows what's good for him, he won't put his foot in this house. He got any reason to fear Pip."

And so did I.

* * *

One sleepless night.

And there was no question about it.

I knew I needed to tell him. I couldn't be as secretive as Pip when it came to things like this. And I would rather much want him to hear it from my lips than from someone else's.

I found him alone in the office he was renting. The office that once seemed like a secret one, but that now appeared to be a miniature conference room, but with only one desk in the front.

It was a dark room. With old bookshelfs and leather sofas.

"Come in and close the door." Pip told me as soon as he saw me poke my head in.

The door was ajar, and he stood with his back against me, smoking whilst going through some papers.

I did what he told me, and after stepping in and closing the door, I jumped straight onto my sinful matter.

"Pip, there's something I must inform you about..." I began, feeling completely defenceless already.

"Inform me about what?" he asked and turned to me. "About how friendly you and Daniel have become?"

I felt a set of shivers run down my spine. My lungs got abondoned by oxygen and my mouth opened, as if I would reply. But it was hard.

I stared at him. That was all I could do.

News traveled fast in that house.

Leif traveled faster.

"Please don't be upset with me." I quickly begged after finding my voice at last.

"I'm not upset." he said, but he couldn't fool me.

"Are you certain, Pip? Because I can explain-"

"Lydia..." he interrupted me with a sigh and disappointed frown.

"What you chose to do with your private life is your own affair. I'm not upset. Although I am surprised to learn that you entertains notions of passing your time in a secret lair with a widow-rapist, which I do remember telling you about." he said and tipped some cigarette glow nonchalantly in an ashtray on the desk.

I never felt such overwhelming shame in my entire life.

I was so embarrassed that all I could do was rub it off on him.

"You're not any better." I said slowly. "You kill people too. You take lives, for money and for the fun of it. You're in the same league, you and Daniel..."

Pip laughed and adjusted his hat. He looked away, like he was trying to find someone in the room to witness this madness.

"Well I don't want to talk about this subject. But if I were you Lydia, and were seduced by-"

"I wasn't seduced." I interrupted, but I must've lied. Because I think I was.

"A girl like you who finds herself alone in a broom closet in company with a man who is not her beau has invariably been seduced. I know exactly how those slavic men work."

"Don't be racist."

"And I know about your insecure nature, and how frail and over-emotional you are. You could be a target of seduction from any man."

I swallowed something in my throat and sniffed. He called me frail but I only felt soiled.

"But I'm not sure I was..." I said, but it came out like a whisper. I didn't really want him to know.

"If you weren't seduced Lydia, then there's only one option remaining..."

I let out a sigh in frustration, and looked up at the ceiling, asking God for mercy.

"It was desire, Pip! Call it passion or... lust!" I confessed.

In response, Pip let out a short and scornful guffaw, and shook his head with a big bewildered grin.

"Well haven't you grown..." he said, sounding the opposite of proud. There was a little growl in there, and he took a discontented suck on his cigarette, like it was an attempt to conceal his anger.

"And I feel really bad about it." I continued, tears bursting out from my eyes.

My voice had cracked and my face were burning.

"Well if that's true, it's a relief. It gives me hope anyway. I do wish you feel like a small, naive and idiotic person, unable to control your cravings. Maybe that will convince you not to put yourself in a similar situation again." he said, not being able to look me in the eyes.

I sniffed and looked at him analytically.

"It's because I'm a girl, isn't it?" I asked. "Me being a girl makes me small, naive and idiotic, but whenever you do anything similar... it can go unnoticed."

"It doesn't have anything to do with you being a girl." Pip told me.

"What is it about then?" I asked.

Pip paused, sighed and looked away in irritation. The tobacco smoke danced in the air around him as he flung his arm over the papers on the desk, and later on killed the cigarette in the ashtray. His muscular arm were shaking as he did so.

"It's about you being _my_ girl." he said and turned to me. "I love you. I wish I didn't, but I do."

And like someone just pulled a rag underneath me feet, I ended up collapsing on the floor, tears bursting through my eyes again as I let out all my regrets in a fit of crying.

"Oh, you have no idea how much I regret it! I must've been mad! I don't know why I did it! I was under a spell." I exclaimed almost hysterically.

"You were unhappy." Pip said, like he had the only answer to that untold question.

He was kneeling before me in a second, his safe and familiar body only centimeters from mine.

"Because _I_ made you unhappy... But the thing is done, and there is no point in raking it over." he said close to my ear, not wanting to look at me.

"I always apologize whenever I've done something... unorthodox. I was raised that way." I mumbled.

Pip smiled, I felt his mouth curve next to my ear.

"Constrain your glamorous life Lydia." he said lightheartedly.

 _My very glamorous life indeed._

His tone was quick to return to a serious one again.

"You keep surprising me, you know. But this takes the prize... I understand you're shaken up about this, and unhappy, but the truth is... hearing it from your lips... I want to murder. I've never been this disgusted with you."

I let out a small gasp and wiggled out of his hold, and through my wide eyes, I saw how serious he was. His eye had changed. It was darker, and the bright colour appeared to had gone away.

"I'm sorry if it's heartless of me, but I want you out of my sight for a while. Preferably a couple of days." he murmured, his voice strained and hollow. "Or I'm afraid that I might do something with you that I'll deeply regret. But I think you'll learn from this, and suffer enough as it is." he said.

"Dare I know what you mean with that?" I asked him quietly.

"I doubt it." he stated and stood up with ease.

"Unless you want to destroy the idolised image you've created about me. You _must_ leave now, Lydia, before I get cross. I know my own mind too well. Please go." he ordered and grabbed my arm firmly to pull me up on my feet and gave me a push to the exit.

I felt like a livestock animal getting spared from the bolt gun and pushed out from a slaughter house.

* * *

Just when I thought that I had gotten enough of collectable samples in forms of the worst days of my life, it just kept getting worse. Despite having Pip claiming that he wasn't upset with me, he couldn't stand my mere presence; which was even worse.

"I have something to tell you." Dorothy said, not seeming to notice my grief.

It hadn't even been an hour since the resolution in Pip's suite, and Dorothy had already pushed into my room with her happy news which I was really not in the mood for.

And the news couldn't be any more inappropriate.

She sat down next to me on my bed eagerly.

"I've spoken to Leif." she said in a whisper and stared into my eyes.

The mention of him made my blood boil. It was all his fault, telling Pip about my nasty experience with bloody Daniel.

"I don't want to hear it." I said quietly, looking away.

Dorothy laughed.

"No, I really want you to listen, Lydia. I spoke to him for almost an hour! I know he's older than me and all, but there's quite a gap between you and Pip too, right?" she asked, and the mention of Pip was way too devastating to my heart.

Dorothy was causing me way more harm than good through that gleeful moment of hers.

"And I... think I really like Leif now. I had the oppurtunity to take a closer look at him, and...I just... he isn't as bad as I thought. He's even a bit handsome, if you comb his hair and shave his beard... I must've been mad for not realizing it sooner! Leif wouldn't want to cause me any pain. He couldn't possibly make me unhappy."

"I couldn't care less!" I went off at her and Dorothy stood up in the blink of an eye, looking insulted.

I stood up too.

"I think it's disgusting." I said. "He's old. You don't know what you've gotten yourself into. They're all frauds, and none of them are innocent. Not even Leif."

"I thought you would have a good heart and would not judge." she said, turning her nose up; obviously offended in realization that I didn't support their relationship.

"Well I've gotten tired of you casting a gloom over everything around you anyway. And I'm fed up with your melancholic drama with Pip, and I won't force mine upon you. Leif is my own business now, and good luck with that one-eyed manswhore, and never come crying to me again if he's met some sunburned _gringa_ from an alley and given you a fungal infection in your virgin womanhood."

When she was finished with her roasting session, she left my room and slammed the door as hard as she could behind her.

And then I was alone in the world.

* * *

A few days later, when the classes in the conference room rolled on as usual, Dorothy left the classroom as soon as the class ended and did not care about waiting for me. She was giving me the silence treatment of course.

Just like Pip, she felt much better with having a distance between us.

And I couldn't really blame her. I knew she had her own complicated take on Pip, but she never did disapprove of me having a relationship with him.

But that's what I had done with her and Leif as soon as things began to settle between them.

"Lydia..." I swung around, facing Minnie of all people. I hadn't seen her for days.

 _Did she notice me and Dorothy's business?_

"Can I talk to you?" she asked, and I nodded.

"Of course." I said, feeling like I owed her that, yet getting slightly nervous,

Just then, the door slammed shut and we were alone in the conference room. Which was good, because what came next was a circumstance that should be acknowledged with four eyes only.

Minnie sat down in a gentle manner in the desk before me and looked at me cautiously.

She looked pretty. She had put her blonde hair up in a half ponytail and let the rest loose hair waves dazzle down her shoulders. She looked like an elf princess. And she didn't have a black eye like Dorothy had claimed.

"This might be odd for you, and me, for us both, but... I don't have anyone else to talk to, really." she said, and I don't think I've ever seen her so collected and mature before.

"What is is? You're making me slightly scared." I said with a half-laugh, sitting down properly in my seat again.

"I'm the one to be scared, really..." she said with a half-hearted smile. She took a deep shaky breath and released it. "Because I'm pregnant."

* * *

I covered my mouth and stared. Minnie just nodded.

"Is it..."

"Daniel's? Yes." she answered.

 _How on earth could she be so calm..._

"Will you keep it?" I asked.

The question just blubbed out of me, but Minnie didn't seem to mind it.

"I don't know." she said. "What would you do? You seem to know Daniel a bit better than me. He's spoken of you, sometimes. Well... before he decided to ignore the heart out of me."

"No I don't know him." I answered, avoiding her blue gaze and swallowed something in my throat.

"I don't know him at all."


	29. Home

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

"But when did this happen Minnie? It must've been before..."

"Before he blackmailed me? Yes." she sighed and glanced down in her coffee.

We had moved to a small sitting room next to the cigar bar where they sold tea and other hot drinks. It was mostly occupied with eldery guests in the boarding house, but now we were by ourselves.

Her blue eyes suddenly struck me.

"I'm getting rid of it." she said and I gulped my own mouthful of coffee down.

"Are you sure? Isn't it against Christian values?"

My question made her let out a laugh.

"Believe me Lydia, if I supported Christian values, I wouldn't be sent to this school in the first place."

"What do you mean? This school is pretty much runned by Christian values."

"Exactly, Lydia. That's what I'm on about. My mother thought that she could cure me by letting my stay in surroundings that would tie down my own values."

"What do you mean?" I asked, and Minnie made me feel guilty and dumb by letting out a loud sigh.

"You ought as well know, Lydia..." she said, looking at me with a clear gaze.

"Funny thing is... I think my parents would approve of me being with a child."

"What do you mean? Isn't it unwanted?"

"It is unwanted, yes, a bastard child to be rough, but... At least it's from a man."

I stared at Minnie in confusion.

The things she said didn't make sense to me, yet I could see the intelligence in her eyes.

"You see, Lydia... I thought Daniel could convince me, and I let things go too far, but... I was already damaged goods before I met him." she told me.

"So what you're saying is..."

"I don't like men Lydia." Minnie said, and at first I thought she just said it because of Daniels scandalous treatment but then I understood better.

And I realized how brainless I was for not getting her message.

Minnie was homosexual, and now she was pregnant with Daniel's child.

"Oh." was everything that came out of me, but Minnie looked pleased. It must've felt good for her, letting someone know about her secret.

That must've been why Minnie was so calm about being pregnant.

If her parents found out, they would of course be disappointed, but they might as well be relieved at the news since they did not seem to approve of her being a lesbian.

"So how's things going with Dorothy? Have you broken up?" she asked me, and despite finding it an odd change of subject, I answered.

"She's the one who has broken up with me." I said bitterly.

"Well that's her loss then." Minnie said and I saw something twinkle in her eyes.

Then suddenly something odd happened, I felt myself blush and my eyes darted away in embarrassment.

I couldn't help but feel bad for Minnie. It must've been hard for her, being surrounded by young ladies whilst being attracted to them.

Just as hard as it must've been for Daniel and the lot of them.

"I'm here for you Minnie." I said.

"I don't know why, but I am." I looked at her with a smile. "And whatever you wish to do... I support that decission." I said.

Minnie looked at me for a moment.

"I knew you would." she said.

"Because I know you're different."

Everyone kept reminding me of that.

* * *

Out of everthing shocking that could've happen in that boarding house outside of London stuffed with military men and girl students, becoming allies with Minnie, who once was my enemy was one of the most surprising things that could've happened.

She admitted to having a crush on Felicia, which explained why she had been dealing with it so heartlessly when we had taken her from her.

But to make matters even more interesting was that...

Felicia knew about it all along, Minnie having taking a shine to her, but she never mentioned it to neither me or Dorothy. Perhaps she was embarrassed, or didn't want to drag Minnie under the dirt.

Or maybe their relationship was actually a mutual one, but that Felicia wasn't strong enough to endure it.

To be honest, having a lesbian friend beside me felt kind of empowering. And it helped me to get my mind off from other more unfortunate things, like my broken relationship with Pip and my shameful encounter with Daniel in the storage room, that I didn't dare to mention to Minnie.

Minnie was convinced that she would get through with an abortion. The settling date for her first doctor visit was the same day the school ball was held, and she refused to tell her parents or Daniel about it. She wanted a blessing from someone, and someone had for some reason been me.

But deep down I didn't know if she was doing the right thing or not.

I just knew that Daniel was a despicable man that would be a despicable father figure.

Dorothy kept avoiding me and I kept my distance from Pip. I sometimes saw Dorothy in company with Leif in the dining room and the lounge, but I never saw Pip, or I didn't just make an effort enough to do so. I lived in fear of having another meeting with Daniel as well, so I mostly kept myself in my room, my only visitor being Minnie sometimes, who left Oreo cookies for me. She liked them a lot. Especially the mint flavored ones.

She wanted me to send the pictures I had taken of her and Daniel to her parents when the school term had ended. That would turn the attention away from her sexuality that she hadn't been quite used to being comfortable in, and she they might take her away from another year in the school wich would be another blessing from her.

I was confused over one thing, and that was why she had reacted so seriously on the matter if she didn't mind her parents knowing about it, and her reason for that was that she didn't want to caught suspision and she wanted the pictures for keep in case she never got blackmailed in the first place, and there went the proof to her parents.

The human brain could be so complex at times, and people's plotting could be a very messy business.

A part of me wished for an end to all of this. And I was sure that even I would reach a point where I felt that I never wanted to take another step in the house.

Which I would soon be proofed right about.

* * *

 _ **Ball night.**_

I had gotten my hopes up. I actually thought Dorothy would come back knocking at my door when ball closed in, but she never did. I had cried at least once every day since Pip had pushed me out of his room after finding out about Daniel.

But at least I had gotten some schoolwork done, and that did keep me busy during the ball hours. I heard gleeful teens run outside in the hallway, slamming doors shut and laughing and before that, I heard cars getting parked outside and students of the boys school talking and whistling like lovestruck cowboys.

When a wave of tiredness overwhelmed me and I put my books aside and brushed my teeth and would change into my nightgown, someone knocked on my door.

Surely, Minnie was back with her Oreo cookies and wanted to tell me all about her doctor visit.

But when I unlocked the door and opened it, it wasn't her.

A man stood in front of me. A man wearing a black suit and a white shirt with suspenders attached to his ironed pants. A newshaved man with his hair combed and pulled out of his face and tied in a ponytail by his neck, It was Pip straight out from _The Godfather_ with a dark red rose in his hand.

"I know you and I are locked into a lifelong struggle, but not tonight. I want to apologize and ask you to the ball, Lydia" he said seriously, but in a natural manner in which he had done this so many times before.

But no one could know that.

"I forgive you but I'm not going, Pip." I said with a sniff. "I messed things up with Dorothy and now she's furious with me." I said, and Pip turned his head slightly with a sympathetic smile.

"How you been, Lydia?" he asked softly.

"Only desperately upset. I keep bursting into tears." I said and let out an embarrassed chuckle.

"Then let's get the fuck out of here." Pip said and handed me the rose.

I looked at it in confusion and then back at my room.

"Now? But what..."

"Get your jacket." he said, and I left the rose on my desk and took down my jacket from the hanger on the wall.

"You're making me rather stressed." I said, and stepped into the hall.

Pip closed the door to my room and took me by my arm.

"We'r chugging through this quite gently then." Pip said with a smile and led me into the dark night outside.

We arrived to the large field of grass, after having passed several student, all way too occupied to pay attention to us since they were busy with their own conversations. The boys were all of average height and everyone had the same greasy, backcombed haircuts.

I couldn't stop thinking about Dorothy, wondering what she was up to. Perhaps she had invited Leif to keep her company in her room...

"Are you ready for an adventure?" Pip asked me with a smile.

The only light on us came from the inside of the house, through the large windows. I looked in the direction ahead of us, only seeing forest.

"In there?" I asked hesitantly, but Pip only sniggered and began walking towards it.

When I tried to keep up with him, he said: "I'm well aquipped." and brought up a small flashlight from his suit jacket.

I decided to not question his mission and walked with him in between the trees and over rocks and branches.

"How far in shall we go?" I asked him.

"Far enough to be on our own." Pip answered.

After about ten minutes of walking, we were completely isolated in the dark (if it wasn't for the tiny flashlight) and we found a spot underneath a large fir-tree.

Pip removed his suit jacket and laid it down on the ground for me to sit down, and he just sat down beside me on whatever ground it was and handed me the light. He took out a cigarette and his old fashioned lighter and lit his smoke. I placed the light somewhere steady beside me so we at lest could see what was in front of us and breathed in the cold air that smelled like tobacco and forest.

"It's freezing, Pip." I said, with absolutely no intention of killing the mood.

"Well at least it's a carefree love nest." Pip replied with his teeth biting onto the cigarette.

I turned to look at him, trying to figure out if he still was the tiniest bit upset with me. But he looked normal.

"Daniel's life is not important to me." I told him.

Pip glanced down at me with his eyebrow raised.

"No?" he asked and I nodded.

"That's the difference, I think. I value your life more than anything." I said.

"Is it really that important to you?"

"Of course it is." I said so seriously that it turned into a sharp whisper. But a crow seemed to have heard it since something crashed in the branches above us.

Pip swallowed and stared at the cigarette in his fingers.

"I don't think I would care at all if he died." I said, referring to Daniel.

It made Pip smirk.

"That makes two of us." he said and took another portion of smoke into his lungs.

I couldn't stop looking at him. The white shirt looked absolutely alluring on him together with those suspenders attched to his pants. He even wore polished dress shoes. He looked to be from another age, from a high position in a household from the 1920's.

"You do realize what a handsome man you are?" I asked him and put my hand on his thick arm.

He looked at me in amusement, pulled up his leg to rest his wrist and hand that was holding the cigarette on his knee.

"Is this your own attempt to seduction?" he asked, and I loved to answer that question, using a few of his own words.

"A man who finds himself alone in a forest in the middle of the night in company with a lady who is not his beau has invariably been seduced..." I told him with a playful glare and moved up to put my chin on his shoulder.

"But only if you want to."

"Oh, I want nothing else in the world right now..." he murmured with a husky, half-suppressed laugh.

I snaked my arm around his middle, and Pip took that oppurtunity to crush his cigarette to the ground and lifted me to sit straddled in his lap. My hands instinctively hurried over his shoulders. I then realized that the moonlight was kissing his face and made his features visible. The rest of the light came from the silly little lamp on the ground, but that was all we needed.

"What now?" Pip asked, bare hands gracing my thighs gently.

"Take me to France..." I whispered.

"You _are_ France." he replied.

Our joined breathing converted into little clouds in the cold air.

When I gave him a small frown, he moved in closer to my face, as if he wanted to confront my confusion.

"You're home." he said, and our lips met underneath the fir branches above our heads.


	30. Flourish with dirty hands FINALE

_[The name of my_ _ **OC**_ _is_ _ **Lydia Romanoff**_ _and is made up by me.]_

* * *

Kissing Pip late outside was clinging onto the only thing that kept me warm in the cold, away from the manicured lawns of the boarding house. His limbs radiated warmth through the cotton of his shirt (that felt way thinner than the uniform fabric he usually were clothed in) and his hot breaths warmed my face in-between our momentous kisses.

I had him all to myself. All in my command. The head person of the Wild Geese. The captain, underneath me.

With that in mind, I began realizing how foolish I had been, even having considered being with Daniel, who became vague and ordinary in comparison with Pip.

Our intimate moment together brought my thoughts to far fetched things that I hadn't really considered before. If I was to go all the way with Pip...

 _Would it be safe?_

 _What would the aftermath consist of?_

 _Did he bring any protection?_

 _Nonsense. Pip couldn't have brought me all the way out here just to have his way with me, could he?_

I pulled away carefully neventhless.

"Pip." I said, sounding more cautious than I intended to.

His hands were holding my hips in place and I felt his thumbs stroking the fabric of my skirt.

"What is it?" he asked softly, like he had all the time in the world.

He always had all the time in the world with me.

"Daniel, he..."

I hesitated as I actually witnessed Pip roll his eyes. Or, well, eye.

It was the first time I've seen him doing it.

"No, it's has nothing to do with me." I quickly added, trying to save my clumsy opening.

"You mean your saucy ten minutes in the storage room?"

"It's about Minnie." I said, pretending not to hear his question. In denial of the truth.

But it didn't seem to make him more curious about it.

His gaze got stuck on my lips and his hand reached up to remove a hair that had gotten stuck in my mouth.

"What about her?" he asked nonchalantly and flicked away the hair to the side effortlessly with his fingers.

"Daniel made her pregnant."

"What?" Pip asked, staring at me in disgust and half-surprise.

And suddenly I felt like I had said something that I shouldn't have said.

"We would want to keep it secret, so you mustn't tell anyone." I told him seriously, holding onto his shoulders. "But she's decided to get rid of it."

"She might as well. Daniel has a shrewd idea of how to treat other people. Men like him shouldn't have children." Pip said coldly and looked away, deep in thought.

"What about you?" I asked, and Pip stared at me again, almost in shock.

"Sorry, that just blurted out." I apologized, but Pip didn't bother changing the subject, like I'm sure most men would.

"Would you get rid of it?" he asked me, not afraid facing the topic.

"If it was ours?" I asked nervously, to which he nodded.

I shook my head after a while of thinking and smiled.

"No." I said. "Never."

I didn't expect a one-man applaude, but Pip didn't actually look very upset at this information. But it was difficult to know if he was keen on the idea or not.

"You don't have to worry about it, Lydia." Pip said, and tucked some hair behind my ears and cupped my face with both of his hands.

"I can't leave you with a burden like that... and if I might say... you're the only little darling I want." he mumbled and pecked my lips, once.

"I'll die a virgin then." I said half-jokingly and half-seriously.

I wasn't sure if I would meet anyone as special as Pip.

Maybe Miss Hepburn was right on that score.

"With all respect, I'd rather have that." Pip whispered, and I felt the helplessness in my eyes.

"I don't know why I did it, really." I said. "That with Daniel. I don't know why I did that."

Pip only smiled. If iit was sympatetic or not, I couldn't tell.

"When you aren't fed on love on a silver spoon, you must learn to lick it off knives." he said and caressed my cheek. It made me laugh.

"You read that somewhere." I said, finding those words way too theatrical to belong to Pip, despite being very accurate.

"Yes." Pip replied, thinking. "Yes, perhaps I did."

And that's where we both decided to leave it be.

* * *

"I expect you're glad to get to bed, after an evening like this." Pip said to me as we once again were outside of the boarding house.

But this time, we had sneaked around the rather large building and ended up at the back entrance by the recycle station behind the kitchen.

"I know of happier things." I said and grinned.

"Perhaps we should have this as our meeting spot." Pip suggested jokingly, and just in time for a rat to run along the wall.

"I doubt it." I said with a laugh and took Pip hands.

"I love you." I told him. "And I will, always."

Pip looked at me like I had said something that made him completely forsaken.

"Oh, how easy you make that sound." he said with a smile, gripping onto my hands. "But as you've probably learned... that's not love. Love is never easy. And if it is, it's easier said than done."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"Not at all. Although I would consider you an optimist. I like that. It's a nice feature of yours, Lydia Romanoff." Pip smiled, and leaned in for a kiss but stopped himself.

"Many must like that, huh?" he asked and removed a small pair of twigs in my hair.

"I'm not sure I'm that much of an optimist." I admitted, looking down at my hands that he was still holding onto.

"That's not all." Pip said. "I believe one must be really emotional in order to like you."

"Are you emotional?"

"I'm French, Lydia." he said with a mysterious look in his gaze.

"And with that also come a blunt sense of honesty. I've grown very fond of you, Lydia, honestly, sometimes... I wished that things were different." he confessed and pulled at my hands, swinging them brefly side to side playfully.

"But they're aren't." he said, yet sounding slightly positive. "There's no way we can avoid upcoming wars. It would've been obscene to do so. Asking me to leave service is like asking a committed vegan activist to justify animal slaughter." he said with a crooked smile.

"And I forbid you to take it personal." he said and let go of my hand to reach up and pinch my nose.

I giggled and urged my head back, wrinkling my nose.

"Thank you Pip." I suddenly said.

I made him confused.

"For what?" he asked.

"For existing." I answered.

And then he let go of my hands and closed his eye.

Like it hurt to look at me.

* * *

Surprisingly, Pip hadn't left a single mark on me. Perhaps he did decide to hold himself back in order to not "spoil" me.

But to make matters clear with myself, I don't think that I would've mind having gone all the way with Pip. It would be a memory to remember, surely.

After drying my hair off with a towel, I stepped into my nightgown, washed my face and brushed my teeth and turned the lights off. Just as I stepped out of my little bathroom, someone knocked on my door and it automatically put a smug smile on my face.

But again, I was wrong.

Previously, it hadn't been Minnie visiting me, and this time, having expected Pip coming back for me, it wasn't.

I came face to face with Daniel in the doorway. Tall, licked into shape and on tenterhooks. He was wearing the same uniform as always, but it looked awfully well-kept on him. He greeted me with a look of validation, but as always, it was hard to know what was going through that mind of his.

"Once again, you have been avoiding me." he said, almost sounding impressed by it.

I stared at him and shot a nervous glance down the hall.

"You shouldn't be here." I told him, my heart pounding in my chest.

I wished Miss Hepburn would turn up and pull him away by his ear, but we seemed to be left to ourselves.

"Let me in then." he suggested.

And just when I would protest, he pushed past me slowly whilst glancing down at me, closing the door carefully in the process whilst doing it.

We stood in front of each other very closely, and as the door was shut, a dropped needle could be heard.

His hand reached up to nudge the side of my face.

"Did you enjoy your ball night?" he asked, and my head flied back in response.

"Please leave." I asked him. The knowledge of him making Minnie pregnant washed away all previous passion I had once felt in his presence.

"Whatever side of me that came out in the storage room that day is no longer within me. It was a mistake that I wish did not happen, and I am sorry if I led you on. But this cannot continue." I told him carefully with the most serious voice I could.

Daniel examined me uprightly.

"Well aren't you coldhearted... and wrapped up in moral absolutes." he said with a wide smile.

My eyes glanced away. It was hard to look into his blue eyes.

"It's Pip again isn't it?" he murmured with a grouchy sigh, like he would fall asleep at any time.

Too bad that didn't happen there and then.

"What did he do? Did he penetrate you at last?"

"Don't be vulgar!"

Daniel chuckled and leaned back on the shut door. Crossing his arms over his chest, he was staring at me, looking entertained and bored at the same time.

"He's a very dear man, ain't he? I've always been curious... The idea of you and Pip being together must've been a rather disturbing thought to him, but he does seem slightly alright with it, because of the force of your vigour."

"I'm not forcing myself on him."

"But I want to make sure that you're happy and secure, and to have a life beyond the comforts of this boarding house."

"Is that what you told Minnie to, before you had your way with her?"

"Don't pull her into this. She's been through enough."

"And I haven't, you mean?"

"Of course you have!" Daniel exclaimed with a odd, sympathetic look on his face.

"I can't imagine how you must feel. Pip will forever remind you of death and pointless wars. What's the good in that?" he asked and pushed himself from the door.

I backed into my room.

"And haven't you been tangled with him for far longer than necassary? Besides... all women want someone to show affection towards them. Especially in a manner that is not interely proper..."

"Daniel, please..." I said, feeling my defence get weaker and weaker by every ticking second.

"You must leave now. I can't do this." I said.

"Yes you can, Lydia. We don't have a minute to waste, and I won't leave until I know where we're headed."

"But we're not heading anywhere!" I said and I backed into my desk.

My hand touched the surface of it for support behind my back, and then I felt it.

The stem of the rose Pip had given me.

"Do you ever wonder... how it must feel for me? Knowing about you and this... dalliance with my captain? It feels just as heartbreaking as it must've felt for you when he's whoring around. Feeling taken for granted... neglected and unappreciated..."

"Please stop."

"You know I'm mad about you." he cooed near my face.

"We're not right Daniel." I told him, and looked sideways. Everything to mark that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

"I see." he said and pulled away slightly.

"You saw him, didn't you? Right before the shower."

I licked my dry lips and looked at him carefully, and when I did, he wasn't showing any emotion.

But none of them did really.

All of the men in the force wore those serious expressions.

 _But they can't scare me if I scare them first._

"Do I detect a look of disapproval in your eyes?" I asked, trying to ease the air with that playful little remark.

Daniel was nothing like Pip.

I wished that I had seen it sooner.

The very obvious.

He was serious, just like the rest of them, yes.

But the difference was that he had entered a very dark place, in which the darkness was necessary and his only way of living. It consumed his mind and his heart, if he ever had any.

However it was, he let that power in and let it rush through every vein.

"Coming here, I was not prepared to listen to insults. I was always convinced that you were too prim and cautios for them." he replied with a little playful tone himself.

"But like some say: 'If reason fails, try force.'..." he muttered.

Then the blue turned to black.

I never noticed that he was fidgeting with his hands until it was too late. I heard something click and then a small gun was pointed at me.

"I'm very sorry about this." he said. "But I can't let you go. I can do without drama, revelation and rudeness."

I stared at him, having lost my ability to talk.

"Don't be afraid Lydia. Just come to your senses that there is a particular, puring satisfaction in seeing how dirty things can get." he said and I swallowed something in my throat.

"Please, Daniel..."

"Give me a kiss." he said and twisted his hand so the gun was aimed at my head.

My entire body had began shaking in fear as I reached up to place my mouth on his. He brought his other, free hand to stroke my cheek whilst the other held the weapon steady.

It was nothing like our little dance in the storage room. This scene was appalling; obscene and crude. I was trembling again, but for completely other reasons.

Daniel put way too much energy into the kiss than I did, and when we pulled away, a disgusting string of saliva united our heads, but it burst and landed on his sharp chin.

"Wipe it off." he said.

Only the smallest look of confusion in my eyes set him off.

"WIPE IT OFF!" he screamed and aimed the gun at my head another time.

I felt tears well up in my eyes and throat as I reached up one trembling hand and wiped off the salvia from his chin and mouth with my united fingers. I had no chance to look after napkins or tissues or anything so I did what he told me to do, as fast as I could with the only thing that I had,

When my hand pulled away, his eyes glared at me for almost an entire minute. Then his eyes glanced down my nightgown. When he looked back up into my eyes, he kept our eyecontact locked as his hand went down to grope my thigh underneat the cotton fabric.

He lifted my leg up so it was forcingly wrapped around him and thrust forward, forcing me to sit on the desk. I whimpered and my eyes darted away elsewhere. My hand grasped onto the rose behind my back, letting the thorns press through the palm of my hand.

I shut my eyes, wanting to leave the concious world. The man before me was utterly convinced in the pits of his mind to make me feel embarrassed and absurd.

When Daniel kissed me again, someone knocked gently on the door and he pulled away and gave me a death glare. He reminded me of the gun beside my head by pressing it to my skull.

" _Who is it?"_ he mouthed, and I shook my head in confusion.

Because I didn't dare guess again.

I was always wrong.

Daniel's hand was still on the upper part of my thigh and I felt his erection threaten my womanhood. I heard how he swallowed something in his throat as his eyes pierced into the door. A pearl of sweat fell from his hairline and went down his cheekbone and just when I thought that he might force me to wipe that away too, my heart cheered at the sound of my door opening.

Daniel didn't move. I closed my eyes, then, not even caring who it was that had opened the door. Just knowing that it was my rescuer.

It felt like time stood still for a moment. Then I felt it all at once.

I heard the door shut and lock in a second. One or two footsteps. Daniel's body getting ripped away from me. The thorns of the rose getting pulled out of my flesh. My legs closing. Slash. Slash. Slash. Groaning. Wheezing and cursing. Lots and lots of cursing.

Of course it was Pip I saw when I opened my eyes. Pip who all of the sudden had gotten mortal; a man shaken to the roots of his soul. Who had attacked Daniel with a knife, stabbing him in the side repeatedly until he was a sack full of flesh and bones on my carpet. The gun had been kicked underneath my bed.

My body dropped off the desk and in the same moment, Pip's savage glare found me. His mouth were open and he was panting furiously, yet I approached him and he let me get surrounded by his embrace.

"This is it Lydia." he said.

"I'm afraid this is it."

I never felt a heart beat so vigourously in my entire life.

But at least it was beating.

Pip began searching after something in the pockets of his pants. At first I thought he was looking after his cigarettes but I knew that was wrong when he spoke to somebody that wasn't me.

"Caleb? There's a situation in room 18. Bring the pluton with you."

That was everything he said.

About a minute after, my room was full of military men.

* * *

I found myself subdued to the wall whilst the men discussed with each other in murmurs behind my closed and locked door. My window had been covered with the curtain. As soon as I couldn't manage to stand and sank down to sit in the corner beside the desk, Pip caught me with his eye and approached me with a knitted blanket that he covered my bare legs with.

He didn't say anything, just gave me assuring looks; that everything would turn out fine in the end.

But I had a dead man in my room. And a killer. A killer that comforted me.

And I was afraid of it all. Afraid of Daniel. Afraid of Pip. And all the strangers in my room. And I was even afraid of myself, because I had morally justificed this murder. I was happy that he was dead.

"Pip." I barely whispered, and he looked surprised, hearing my voice.

"How... What made you come here? Why did you come here?" I asked in careful desperation.

Pip avoided my gaze, looking at Daniel's corpse, then making eye contact with one of his men.

"I forgot to give you something." Pip answered quickly, standing up.

"What? What did you want to give me?" I asked, to which he waved me off gently.

"Not now, Lydia. John, fetch me the rope. We need to keep his veins in check. Dave, you book the tickets for our depart, as soon as possible. Kent, you chop of the blod wessles, and Caleb, you go and arrange the death-in-battle sacrificiate to his family members, and inform the rest of the men about our leaving." Pip gave me a look, itching his nose.

"Except Leif. He can't keep a secret like this."

Everyone flied in different directions and when Kent pulled out a large knife, Pip leaned down before me again and took off his suit jacket and put it around me. It smelled like the forest we were in, when things weren't as bad.

"My brave girl. I've put you through some nasty events throughout our days, haven't I? We've dreamed a dream, you and I, but it's time to wake up. Let's use this as a reason." he chuckled, but his laugh got hoarse and his eye glossy as he grabbed my head and kissed me between my eyes.

If I wasn't too shocked, I would probably refuse it all and throw a tantrum. But I was gaping and my eyes were wide, staring into space.

"Will she be alright?" someone asked. I don't know who.

"Yes she's just in shock. And nothing can no longer hurt her." he told his man, but he couldn't keep his eye off me for too long.

I was shaking, then suddenly a guttural sound came out of me, like some wounded animal and I was in his embrace again as he rocked me back and forth.

"You hear that, my darling. You're safe now, and safe you shall be."

As he shuffled to be seated beside me, he gave me the chance to see one of Daniel's arms disconnect from his body by Kent's hand and I shut my eyes and burried my head in Pip's chest and felt his strong chin on my head. I heard Pip's heart throb against my ear.

"Tonight has been sad and wretched." he told me. "But happier times will come, for both of us, but especially for you." he said and kissed my skull.

"Oh fucking Hell!" I heard Kent exclaim, followed by the sound of splashing blood.

Pip ignored it (must've been used to it) and only focused on what he thought was important. Me.

"Flourish, but don't be afraid to get your hands dirty. And you make peace with Dorothy, and you shall be strong." he looked down at me and grabbed onto my shoulders. "You must be strong! You hear me?"

He stared at me for a long time. If things wasn't as serious, it would've been awkward, but it couldn't be awkward in the middle of a drama like that. He looked capable of staring at me for minutes and minutes.

"Captain, we're almost there."

In the background, his men were cleaning up the rest of the blood, and were wrapping limbs in endless layers of sheets.

"Lydia, you must return to the land of the living. You hear? You must have a long and happy life." Pip said with a look that I couldn't understand, and my heart sank in realization that Pip no longer seemed to have all the time in the world with me any longer.

"I'm sorry." was the last thing I heard him say before I suddenly sensed a sharp pain in my left arm.

"What?" I asked, feeling drowsy.

He had pressed somthing into my arm, a needle of some sort, and I felt my veins and blood vessels squirm together.

In the same moment, he hugged me tight.

Then everything went dark.

* * *

I woke up with a clean body, and my hair brushed and braided into a French braid and a band aid on my left arm.

I had been mystically transported to Pip's suite, and when I woke up the day after, he was gone forever, and I wouldn't see him again.

Just as I sat up and touched my left arm, that still felt slightly numb, the door opened and Dorothy rushed to my side.

"Oh, thank God, you're awake! I was so worried. They've all gone." she said.

"They've all gone."

Except Leif. Because I saw him standing behind her.

Him and Dorothy were the lucky ones after all.

* * *

Everyone thought The Wild Geese's sudden depart was explained with them going off to the civil war beforehand for preparations, but I was the only one knowing the truth.

Pip had murdered Daniel because he tried to have his way with me. Pip was a murderer, something I had come face to face with in the end.

I stood outside of the boarding house, my gaze flying over the large field of grass that was covered in frost. The garden bench was no longer out there.

Yet, I walked towards it in full uniform, feeling the cold air around me since I didn't bother putting on a jacket.

As I reached the middle, I saw marks on the ground, lines on the ground from the bench that went down in the dirt. But I also saw a teacup, similar to the one I had brought out there the first time I talked to Pip. Perhaps it was the very same.

The cup was tipped upside-down on the little saucer underneath it. I looked around, peeking in-between the many trees in the forest surrounding the field, and then back at the house, like he would show up any second and explain. But I was left to myself and had to figure this out on my own.

I kneeled down in front of the porcelain.

When I lifted the cup carefully, I saw a miniature handpainted figurine.

A miniature handpainted figurine of a smurf. A knight smurf.

Which I later learned to be the halberdier smurf. One of the originals.

Small enough to fit inside the pocket of a suit jacket and be forgotten about.

* * *

 _We were a strange love,_

 _Too wild to last,_

 _to rare to break._

-Atticus


End file.
